WWE Fastlane (February 2015)

From Memphis, Tennessee; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler

Opening Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Authority v Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Erick Rowan: Seth Rollins starts with Dolph, as I eagerly await some snarky penis jokes from the announcers. Come on guys, don't let me down! I'm looking at you, King! Seth grabs a headlock, but Dolph escapes and executes a sunset flip for two, so Rollins bails. Seth suckers him into a cheapshot on the way back in, so he passes to Rowan, who works Seth's arm. Pumphandle-backbreaker sets up an elbowdrop for two, but Rollins manages to tag Kane before the abuse can continue. Kane quickly gets slammed to setup a legdrop, and Rowan hits a 2^nd rope backelbow for two. Tag to Big Show, and Erick gets caught in the wrong part of town as the Authority cut the ring in half. Man, forget the mask, Kane really needs to put on a shirt if anyone's ever going to take him seriously again. He looks more like the authority on Pringles than anything else these days. Tag to Ryback (after Seth's designated as the one who fucks up the heat segment, naturally), and he's a GNC of fire! Rollins puts it out with a quick superkick, and Show splashes him for good measure, but he still manages to get a tag off to Dolph. Ziggler is a hair salon of fire to trigger a big brawl, but ends up getting decked by Show, and pinned at 12:54. Afterwards, the Authority proceed with a beat down, but Randy Orton makes the return no one was waiting for, and makes the save. Nothing special, but if it means Big Show and Kane will be limited to six-mans from now on, I'm fine with it. *

Goldust v Stardust: Stardust looks like a box of Baci Perugina tonight. They fight over a lockup for a while, but Goldust manages to stay a step ahead during a criss cross. Goldust manages an inverted atomic drop, and tries for the Directors Cut, but Stardust has it scouted, and bails to the floor to regroup. I get that they're going for the slow 'partners who know each other all too well' deal here, but this match is not working thus far, and they really need to speed things up. Back in, Stardust tries a bulldog, but Goldust has it scouted, and counters into a backbreaker, then clotheslines his brother over the top. Back in, Goldust unloads in the corner to setup Shattered Dreams, but Stardust has it scouted, and manages to bail to the apron. He tries a slingshot sunset flip back in, but Goldust has it scouted, and gets out of the way - only for a 2^nd rope splash to get blocked with a boot. Stardust immediately capitalizes by going after the ribs on the outside, then slaps on a bodyscissors on the way back in. Again, I get what they're going for, and I'm all for psychology, but this clearly isn't working, and just staying the course is only making it worse. Stardust with a forward-falling suplex and a cross corner whip for two. Another cross corner whip sets up a waistlock on the mat, as the announcers call the match 'uncomfortable to watch.' You guys said it! Cross Rhodes, but Goldust snapmares him to escape, and hooks a quick crucifix cradle for the pin at 8:50. This was a lot like that other famous brother/brother match from 1994, but sadly, I'm referring to the Sullivan Brothers, not the Hart Brothers. ½*

WWE Tag Team Title Match: The Usos v Tyson Kidd and Cesaro: Kidd starts off, and gets destroyed by the Usos, until Cesaro comes in and shows him how it's done. Cool spot, as Cesaro superplexes one of the Usos, with Kidd punctuating it with a springboard elbowdrop for two. Combo spots rule! Everyone ends up on the outside for the usual Uso dog pile spot, and back in, Kidd catches one of the Usos in a fisherman’s neckbreaker for the pin at 9:44. If it means I never have to watch another Usos match, I'm on board with it. * ¼

WWE Diva's Title Match: Nikki Bella v Paige: But... but... they're friends on Total Divas! Paige spears her down and hammers away, but gets dropped onto the apron while attempting a ropechoke, and Nikki tosses her into the rail. Digging the new yellow gear for the Bellas. Let's face it, they're nothing by eye candy anyway, so forgive me if I judge them like I would strippers. Back in, Nikki slaps on a chinlock, and delivers a whiplash when Paige escapes, for two. Paige takes over with a dropkick for two, but Nikki manages to escape the RamPaige, and sunset bomb her challenger for two. Paige recovers with the PaigeTurner, but Nikki easily makes the ropes, and grabs a random schoolgirl to retain at 5:35. If you were picking finishes out of a hat you'd be hard pressed to find one that shitty. *

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Bad News Barrett v Dean Ambrose: I don't watch RAW anymore, does Barrett still even deliver bad news? He tries to deliver some to Ambrose at the bell, but Dean wins a scuffle on the mat, and Barrett ends up licking his wounds on the outside. Back in, Dean tries a headlock, and shoulderblocks Barrett down to setup an elbowdrop for two. Ambrose goes to work in the corner, but a cross corner whip is reversed, and Barrett big boots him out of the ring. Barrett follows and rams him into the steps out there, then rolls him in to get a two count off of it. He punts his challenger in the corner for two, and grounds him with a chinlock. Dean escapes, but gets punished with another big boot to put him back out on the floor, and Barrett follows with a ram into the apron, but Ambrose blocks a roll back in, and surprises the champ with a lariat. Dean with a tornado DDT on the way back in, and he bulldogs him, so Barrett tries the Winds of Change, but Dean counters with an inside cradle for two. Kneelift and a dropkick setup a flying elbow for two, but a series of reversals end in Barrett hitting the Wasteland for two. He goes for the kill with the Bull Hammer, but Ambrose counters with a schoolboy for two, and nails him with a lariat. Dirty Deeds, but Barrett hits the deck and bails, so Ambrose chases, and somehow the referee deems that grounds for a DQ at 8:06. Was there some kind of bet going on between the writers over who could book the worst finishes tonight, or something? Given how badly these guys have been booked, I kind of expected them to phone it in, but this was the most energetic showing of the night thus far - retarded booking aside. * ½

WWE United States Title Match: Rusev v John Cena: Rusev wants a test-of-strength, and tries forcing him into it with kicks. I don't know how it works in Russia, but this is America, and no means no! John manages to get him down in a side-headlock, but Rusev snapmares out of it, and kicks him down for two. Rusev footchokes him in the corner, and 'hits' Cena with a spinheel kick for two. Avalanche gets two, and John rolls to the floor to catch a break, but gets knocked off the apron into the rail. Eh, that spot lost all its magic years ago, when they switched to the padded rails. Back in, that gets Rusev two, so Cena surprises him with a quick dropkick for two - only to get one right back, for two. John offers him a blowjob at center ring, but apparently Rusev doesn't swing that way, and he gives him a blockbuster for two. Rusev with a series of elbowdrops for two, and John's offering the mid-ring blowjob again, but Rusev just won't cave. Hey, he has Lana. Cross corner clothesline sets up a chinlock, but Cena manages to suplex his way free, and clothesline the champ down for two. FU, but Rusev counters into a DDT for two, then avalanches him in the corner three more times for two. Rusnar? Another mid-ring blowjob offer, but Rusev really really doesn't want to be fellated tonight, so Cena loses his shit, and side suplexes him. Guess he can't handle rejection well. Five Knuckle Shuffle sets up the FU, but Rusev counters again with a superkick for two. That move would be a lot more impressive if he, you know, wore boots. Scrapbuster gets two, but yet another avalanche misses, and John tornado DDTs him for two. Slugfest goes Cena's way to setup the FU, but Rusev counters into another scrapbuster - countered back by Cena into a crossface. Rusev whiplashes him to escape for two, but gets his foot caught on a stomp, and John turns it into an STF - Rusev making the ropes to break. He unloads kicks, but John is able to counter another superkick into the FU for two. He tries a flying seated senton, but gets caught in a sloppy powerbomb on the way down, and Rusev quickly turns it into the Accolade! Uh-oh. John manages to power out, so Lana climbs in to distract the referee, and Rusev plants a kick in John's Cena's, then slaps the Accolade back on for the win via knockout at 18:40. A perfectly watchable, serviceable second main - though the parade of bad finishes continues. ** ½

Main Event: #1 Contender's Match: Roman Reigns v Daniel Bryan: Winner challenges Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania. Geez, what’s second prize? Bryan is looking like a miniature version of the Berzerker tonight, with the beard, and his new fuzzy boots. Slow start, as they feel each other out. Bryan works a standing side-headlock, and rolls Roman up for two when he tries to escape. He goes for a surfboard, but Reigns fights him off before he can properly apply it, and Bryan gets tossed to the outside as they criss cross. Roman follows to ram him repeatedly between the rail and the apron, and back in, Reigns unloads a series of closed fists. Bodyslam, but Bryan counters with an uppercut, so Reigns stunguns him instead, then drops him like a Samoan. Reigns with a lariat for two, and a three-alarm rolling fallaway slam follows. Ugly sequence there. Superman Punch, but Daniel kicks him out of the air to block, and unloads kicks in the corner. Series of dropkicks in the corner, but an attempt at a rana off the top is countered with a powerbomb for two. Reigns tries a superplex next, but Daniel slips between his legs and crotches him up there, then side superplexes him down for two. See, Vince, now if he wasn't so small, that counter wouldn't of even have been possible. Yes-Lock, but Reigns quickly makes the ropes, instead of fighting out like John Cena would have. Reigns bails to the floor to regroup, but Bryan is on him with a sloppy tope, then goes back in and does it again - properly. Only way the kids'll learn. Unfortunately, he learned all too well, and a third tope is caught with an overhead suplex on the floor. Reigns tries a spear, but D-Bry sidesteps, and he hits the stairs. Daniel rolls him in, and follows with a flying axehandle, but Reigns punches him out of the air for two. Spear, but this time Bryan counters him with a small package for two, then takes his head off with a kick. Running single-leg high knee gets two (that move really needs a cutesy name, stat), and he starts shining his wizard at mid-ring, then wins a reversal sequence with the Yes-Lock. With the ropes out of reach, Reigns looks up at the WrestleMania sign for inspiration, and powers out. Good for him. Bryan keeps after him with a cross armbreaker, but Reigns powers to his feet in the hold, and drops Daniel to break - leaving both men looking up at the lights. Bryan wins a slugfest and shines his wizard again, but another running knee is countered with a spear by Reigns at 20:07. Well, at least it was a good ending, even if for the wrong guy. Afterwards, Bryan endorses him with a handshake, but somehow I don’t think that’s going to do it for Reigns. The match was easily Reigns' best of this push thus far, but a lot of that is owed to Bryan’s efforts, and I'm not confident he's ready to be at the level they want him to be yet. ***

BUExperience: How much you want to bet that someone at WWE will hear that ratings for the Oscars were down this year, and somehow try to credit this show for it? As for the card, it’s far from offensively bad, but beyond a companion piece for the upcoming WrestleMania, or as a textbook of horrible finishes, this was totally forgettable.

DUD