WWE Unforgiven (September 2003)

From Hershey, Pennsylvania; Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler

Opening World Tag Team Title Handicap Elimination Tables Match: Rob Conway and La Resistance v The Dudley Boyz: Rene Dupree starts with D-Von Dudley, and gets destroyed, but quickly gets him into the heel corner for a triple team. Tag to Conway, but D-Von quickly wins a criss cross with a diving shoulderblock, then double-teams with Bubba Dudley. Tag to Bubba to tree of woe Conway, and he brings the other two heels in for a triple avalanche in the corner. D-Von goes for the tables, but a cheapshot puts Bubba down, and the champs cut the ring in half. Bubba manages to shake Conway off with a side suplex to allow the tag to D-Von, and he's a house of arson. Big brawl, and they go for the tables, but D-Von ends up getting whipped through it instead at 6:50. That leaves Bubba 3-on-1, and the heels go for the kill, but stupidly leave Sylvain Grenier to do the job alone, and he gets suplexed through a table at 8:08. That's their own fault. If you have a 3-on-1 advantage, use it. Don't waste time beating up the dude who's already eliminated. They realize their mistake, and double up on Bubba, but they can't finish him, and Rene ends up getting dropped through a table at 9:15. That leaves Bubba alone with Conway, and D-Von comes back in to Death Drop him through a table at 10:17. Why bother making it elimination style, if no one leaves the match after getting eliminated? The usual weak formula stuff, complete with the tired table gimmick that went out of style in 2001. ¾*

Managerial Services Match: Scott Steiner v Test: If Scott wins, he gets Stacy Keibler. If Test wins, he gets Scott Steiner. Seems like a lopsided deal there, but who am I to judge? Scott makes time with Stacy before the bell (can you blame him?), and gets jumped by Test. Scott returns fire with a powerslam (though, if you watch it, Test basically powerslams himself, with Steiner just having to mime along), then elbowdrops him for two. Test bails to the floor to use Stacy as a human shield, and that allows him to toss Scott into the steps. Back in, Test hits a full-nelson slam for two, and a cross corner clothesline sets up a sleeper - giving us a chance to appreciate 2003 Stacy Keibler in all her glory. I mean, FUCK. Scott escapes, and overhead suplexes him, and escapes a pumphandle-slam with a double-underhook powerbomb for two. Test mulekicks him to block a German suplex, and tries pinning him with two feet on the ropes, but Stacy stops him - allowing Steiner to Flatline him for two. Bodyslam, but Test counters into a pumphandle-slam, so Stacy moons him to allow Steiner a schoolboy for two. Test fires back with a big boot for two, and he grabs a chair, but Stacy pulls it away from him - only to accidentally hit Steiner for Test to easily pin at 6:58. I don't know what they thought either guy would gain from wrestling each other over and over again for the bulk of the year, but at least we got to see Stacy. ¾*

Shawn Michaels v Randy Orton: Shawn wrestles him down with a waistlock to start, and outclasses him on the mat for a bit. Shawn works a headlock next, but Randy manages to wrestle out with a headscissors, and they reverse each other back-and-forth a few times, until Orton grabs a headlock of his own. That triggers a Shawn-won criss cross, but his attempt to toss Randy over the top is cat-skinned, and Orton surprises him with a dropkick for two. Randy nails him with an uppercut and a bodyslam, but Shawn counters a flying axehandle with an inverted atomic drop, and adds a series of clotheslines to put Randy on the floor. Michaels follows with a baseball slide and a flying bodypress. He pulls Randy up onto the apron for a vertical suplex back in, but Orton counters into a German suplex - reversed by Shawn for two. Sunset cradle gets two, and Shawn wins a long, drawn out slugfest, only to miss a charge into the corner, and hit his shoulder. Ric Flair takes a cheapshot at the shoulder when Shawn falls to the floor, and Orton quickly follows to ram Shawn shoulder-first into the post as well. Back in, Randy works the shoulder with a slew of submissions, and hits a single-arm DDT for two. Randy keeps him on the mat with an armbar, until Shawn fights out, and inside cradles him for two. Orton throws a dropkick in hopes of cutting off the comeback, but Shawn dodges, and hits a jumping forearm. Shawn keeps coming with a backdrop, and he tosses Randy over the top - no cat skinning this time. Michaels follows with a splash off the apron, and he whips him into the rail for good measure, then rolls him in with a flying axehandle for two. Cross corner whip gets reversed, however, and Shawn pays homage to Flair with his bump. Orton is dazed, but pulls himself to the middle rope for a splash, but Shawn blocks with his boot. Superkick looks to finish, but Randy counters into the RKO for a dramatic two. Randy goes up again, but Shawn dodges a flying bodypress (maybe Orton should stop going up, you think?), and Shawn capitalizes with a flying elbowdrop for two. That leaves both men looking up at the lights, but Shawn's up first, and the Superkick finishes at 18:36. However, Flair puts Randy's foot on the ropes after the fact, and manages to convince the referee that it was there all along, so the match restarts. Shawn takes Ric out with a Superkick, and goes to side suplex Orton, but Randy bops him with a set of knux, and falls on top for the pin at 19:22. Good stuff, with Orton still young, hungry, and eager to prove himself, and Shawn carrying him nicely - though the shoulder stuff went nowhere in the long run. ** ¾

Trish Stratus and Lita v Molly Holly and Gail Kim: This is Lita's big return, after getting injured in April 2002. She and Trish get attacked before the bell, however, though they quickly turn things around, and clean house. Official start with Lita and Gail, and Kim gets armdragged around, then backdropped. Lita adds a snap suplex, then tags Trish in for a 2^nd rope seated senton for two. Trish with a clothesline for two, and a schoolgirl gets two. Chick Kick gets two, but a cheap shot from Molly puts Stratus on the floor, and the heels cut the ring in half. They go to work, but Kim ends up missing a 2^nd rope legdrop, and Lita gets the tag. She's a crotch of fire to ignite a four-way brawl, and a flying moonsault finishes Holly at 6:47. Good stuff. Today’s crop of Divas should really go back and watch these sort of matches instead of worrying about getting 'Brie Mode' over, because they could really benefit. That, or, you know, watch NXT. * ¼

Last Man Standing Match: Kane v Shane McMahon: Shane attacks with a chair during the entrances, and takes him down with a few shots, but Kane beats the count. Shane keeps coming with the chair, and goes after the knee with it - wrapping it around the post for good measure. Out to the floor, Shane clips the knee, and hits Kane with a sloppy flying bodypress off the rail. Kane manages to whip him into the steps before they go back in for a chokeslam, but Shane beats the count. Tombstone, but Kane changes his mind, and decides he wants to do it on the steps to really finish him. He brings the steel in, but Shane counters the Tombstone into a bulldog, then dropkicks the steps into his face. Into the corner, Shane wedges Kane between the steps and the turnbuckles, then flying dropkicks the steps to jam Kane up. That leaves both guys down for the count, but both beat it. Out to the floor again, they do a really slow, heatless brawl up the aisle to the entrance set, then engage in an equally slow, heatless brawl once they get there. But, with weapons! Shane eventually hits a DDT over there, and climbs to the top of the entrance set - leaping with a senton splash that misses, and Kane gets the win when McMahon can't answer the count at 19:54. This was never going to be 'good' in a traditional sense, but after the goofiness with the steps brought the match to a complete standstill, they were never able to get it going again, and ended up with an overlong, boring brawl leading to Shane's usual suicidal bump at the end. ½*

WWE Intercontinental Title Triple Threat Match: Christian v Chris Jericho v Rob Van Dam: Good thing this wasn't a Fatal Four-Way, because I think John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was unavailable. RVD gets ganged up on and banged around early, but manages to dropkick them both, then knocks them out to the floor, and follows with a flying moonsault. He rolls Christian back in and follows with a slingshot legdrop for two, then knocks him into the corner with some lightning kicks, and brings him out with a monkeyflip for two. Spinkick hits, but Jericho flies in with a flying bodypress to stop the effort, and chops the life out of him. Bodypress misses, however, and Rob standing moonsaults him for two, then springboard sidekicks him. He tries rolling thunder, but Christian hooks his ankle from the floor to stop it, and Chris gets two off of it. Christian and Jericho come to shoves over it, but still come together to keep working Van Dam over - though with increasingly pedestrian stuff. Rob manages to avoid a cross corner whip, then starts firing off kicks, and simultaneously DDTs both for two on Jericho, as Christian bails. Rob dives after him with a somersault plancha, but gets caught with a springboard dropkick from Jericho as he tries climbing back in. I realize that sequence probably sounded exciting, but these guys are totally phoning it in, intensity-wise. Chris puts Rob in a chinlock, but Rob escapes and tries a rana - countered by Jericho into a Boston crab. What, he's too lazy to apply his FINISHER properly now? Christian breaks it up, which leads to a breakdown of the team, and they slug it out on the floor, as Rob takes a breather. Jericho manages a flying backelbow on the champ for two, but walks into an inverted DDT for two. Christian follows by climbing to the top, but ends up getting crotched, and superplexed down - Van Dam popping in to get two off of it. That displeases Jericho, so Rob springboard bodypresses him for two, but quickly gets bulldogged to setup the lionsault - which he dodges. Rob adds a quick spinkick to setup another standing moonsault for two, and drop-toeholds an incoming Christian onto Jericho, then Five Star Frogsplashes them both for two. Rob tries an super-electric chair on Jericho, but Christian hops in and turns it into a double-powerbomb instead - in the one unique spot of the match. That gets him a two count on both challengers, so he goes out and grabs the title belt, but Rob sweeps him, and hits a slingshot into a schoolboy for two. Frogsplash, but Christian uses the title belt to block, and retains at 19:04. It had plenty of spots, but it had no heat, rhythm, or creativity - not to mention that all three seemed to be sleepwalking through it. * ¾

RAW Commentary Match: Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler v Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman: Winners become RAWs announce team. And, because Ross and Lawler are in the ring, this is presented without commentary. Jerry starts with Al (thank God), and they trade off, as the crowd sits on their hands. Jerry snapmares him into a fistdrop for two, but Snow clotheslines him down for two. Oklahoma roll gets two (take THAT, JR), and he slaps on a mat-based abdominal stretch. Ross and Coach haven't even tagged in yet, and they is already way too long. Snow with a backdrops, but a second is countered by King with a Piledriver for two. He can't get the tag to JR, however (your finisher only gets two, so your strategy is to tag an announcer?), but Al gets to Coach, and he hammers King into the corner. Broncobuster misses, however, and Jerry 2^nd rope fistdrops him for two. Ross gets the tag, and he's a broadcast table of fire, but Chris Jericho shows up to nail him (as an FU to commissioner Steve Austin), and Coachman scores the fall off of it at 8:16. Thankfully, Ross wasn't in more of this, because even his short segment at the end was absolutely brutal. As for the match, it was about as good as anything with two announcers, a long retired wrestler, and Al Snow is going to be. DUD

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title v Career Match: Triple H v Goldberg: If HHH is DQ'd, Goldberg wins the belt. Snow and Coachman call this one, after the win. Triple H looks really weird here - wearing longer 3/4 tights, clean shaven, and chubby. Big staredown to start, and Goldberg press-slams him in short order to put the champion on the outside to regroup. Back in, they trade wristlocks, and Hunter tries a vertical suplex, but gets countered into a swinging neckbreaker. Slugfest goes Goldberg's way, and a whip into the corner sets up a backdrop - putting HHH on the floor again. Goldberg tries suplexing him back in, but Hunter snaps his throat across the top rope to block - only for Goldberg to no-sell, and clothesline him. Cross corner whip sets up a double-underhook suplex, and Goldberg tries for the spear, but HHH manages to hit a high knee to block. I feel like that would mess up Hunter's knee more than anything else, but then, suspension of disbelief is sort of a prerequisite for enjoying pro-wrestling anyway. They spill to the floor, and Hunter rams him into the post, then back in, unloads mounted punches. The match drastically slows down as Hunter takes over, going after Goldberg's knee to ground him - including a stupid line from JR about how clipping the knee would be illegal in the NFL, but not the WWE. As opposed to all the other, perfectly legal in football, stuff they've been doing out there? Hunter slaps on a rope-assisted figure four, but Goldberg escapes, so HHH kneedrops him. Second one gets caught, however, and Goldberg clotheslines him a few times. Tilt-a-whirl powerslam is worth two, and a cross corner whip sends Hunter flying out - though he sells the impact before ever hitting the corner. Oops. Goldberg whips him into the steps out there to draw a (pointless) bladejob, then hiptosses the champion back inside. HHH desperately kicks at the knee to try and slow him down, but Goldberg keeps coming, so HHH blows him low, and executes a DDT. Pedigree looks to finish, but Goldberg backdrops him out of the ring to block, so Hunter comes back in with a sledgehammer in tow. He manages to get a shot off, but gets speared anyway, and the Jackhammer crowns a new champion at 14:53. I don't think anyone was expecting a four-star classic here (though 2000 Triple H would have at least gone down swinging while trying to deliver one), but it was okay for what it was, and thankfully not any longer. * ¼

BUExperience: The RAW brands streak of less than enthralling pay per view efforts continues here, with a really underwhelming card that features nothing memorable, and a too-little-too-late Goldberg title win in the main event.

DUD