- The HITMAN383 Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1991. This
has been called the worst PPV of ALL time, and comes off right after the
firing/quitting of Ric Flair. The fans were RIGHTLY pissed, and continually
chanted “We Want Flair” throughout this whole show. It’s really interesting to
watch. (This was originally written in 2000, while WCW was still alive)
- On the subject of movies (because I’ve been asked this by
some folks), my favorite movie(s) are the Godfather trilogy, and Pulp Fiction.
Honorable mention to Goodfellas, too. All good stuff :) I just can’t get enough
of The Godfather, which is not only an entertaining movie, but is real
cinamatic art, like Citizen Kane. (Still love all of those movies, but if
we’re talking ‘favorites’ (as opposed to ‘best’) there was a lot of stuff that
hadn’t even come out yet when this was originally written, that would make the
cut today)
- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent, **** - Great,
*** - Good, **- Okay, * - Decent, DUD - Awful.
- Live from Baltimore
Maryland.
- Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Tony Shavonie.
- Opening Scaffold Match: P.N. News and Bobby Eaton vs.
Steve Austin and Terry Taylor: Okay, who’s idea was it to start with a
SCAFFOLD MATCH? That person needs to be shot! (That might be a bit harsh)
I mean, scaffold matches suck in general, but when you’ve got an already pissed
off crowd, scaffold matches are not the way to get them into it, and open the
show. (Yeah, who’s booking this? 2015 Vince?) Anyway, onto the actual
match, Austin
was the TV champ at this point, and still had the flowing blond hair, which
looks really odd today. He even looks like Billy Gunn here. (No
need to be insulting) You know, they have to really be careful here …
if News falls off this, the ring is likely to snap. (And he’d probably die, but let’s
not overlook the real tragedy of the ring needing to be repaired)
Everyone is scared to start (rightly so), and just stand around, trying not to
… you know … die. Eaton takes Austin
down, and nearly tosses him off, but it doesn’t go anywhere. More crawling, and
P.N. gets tagged “in,” as does Taylor (who has a weird black dye job), and they
do the same “please don’t let me die” hand holding spot (which is called a
“test of strength”), and now everyone brawls. News takes Austin, and Eaton takes Terry, but nothing
interesting occurs. This is the perfect match for Kevin Nash, BTW. All you do
is lay there. The brawl takes it’s place to the heels side of the scaffold,
where Eaton captures the flag, and takes it to his side to win at around 6:24.
Afterwards, Austin
uses hair spray on them, and they all climb back down. No one falls off,
pissing the crowd off further. That was an AUTROCITY! - **** ½. I didn’t go the
Full Monty of neg. 5, because they still TRIED to do SOMETHING up there … but
it’s a SCAFFOLD MATCH, so I can’t expect much.
- Tony and Jim explain that Ric Flair left the company
before the show, and bury him, saying that it’s a new era, and that the Flair
era is over! Yeah, that’s what YOU think!
- Eric Bischoff talks to Arn Anderson and Paul E. who are
ready for Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt. Arn (who obviously must be upset about
the Flair situation) still gives a kick ass promo for the match.
- More talking with Ross and Tony. This is REALLY starting
to drag, as they kill time to take down the scaffold … get back to the ring
already. (That’s probably why the Scaffold Match opened, as imagine the down
time if they had to assemble it on the air too) Well considering it’s
Bash ’91, maybe that’s NOT a good idea.
- The Diamond Studd vs. The Z-Man: The Studd is, of
course, Scott Hall. He’s also managed by DDP, before he was anything. They give
a cool little promo to start, and Zenk charges the ring, hitting a double
clothesline on both of them. DDP pulls the ropes down off a criss cross, and
Zenk falls to the floor, where the Studd kicks his ass. Back in, Hall keeps
control, ramming him to the turnbuckles a bunch. Criss cross leads to a
bodyblock by the Z-Man for two, but Hall takes control right back with some
chops. He hooks the rope assisted abdominal stretch (hey, if you do a rest
hold, do it in style), which Zenk hip tosses his way out of, but Hall hits a
chokeslam. Sunset flip by Zenk countered with a punch, but Zenk catches him
with a superkick, and kicks the Studd’s ass on the floor. He hit’s a missile
dropkick for two (saved by Page), and the Z-Man kicks Page’s ass. Hall comes
from behind, and hits a quick bridging side suplex for the win at 6:56. Way too
long for what it was. ¾*. (I actually went into negative stars for
this one on the BUExperience)
- Oz vs. Ron Simmons: Oz makes his usual odd
entrance. Who ever thought this gimmick was a good idea? Probably the same guy
that booked the opener. Oz is Kevin Nash, for those that don’t know, and
Simmons is Faarooq. I never got why they gave Nash a gray dye job. Was the idea
to make him look like an old man? Well, he moves like one, so I guess it’s
okay. Long feeling out process to start off, and Nash uses a long wristlock.
And the laziness starts (…). Shoulderblocks by both (with no one going down) to
establish that they’re both big and Oz catches him with a big boot. He clubs on
Simmons for a bit (a long bit), but gets a foot to the face off a corner
charge. Ron clotheslines him to the floor (which it takes Nash three tries to
sell), but it goes no where as he gets right back in. Test of Strength comes
next, which Nash dominates, but Simmons comes back with a suplex. He misses a
dropkick, and Oz hits a clothesline, followed by more clubbing. Sidewalk slam
for two, and he dumps Ron out where the Wizard (Kevin Sullivan in a dumb mask)
gets in a cheep shot. Simmons tries a sunset flip (which doesn’t work out), but
he catches him with a dropkick. He hits a few football clips, and hits the
shoulderblock for three at 7:59. Again WAY too long for what this was, and
boring as hell. – ¼*.
- Jim and Tony give us a look at WCW’s Top Ten for the week.
It runs down like this:
10: Johnny B. Badd,
9: Ron Simmons,
8: Diamond Studd,
7. El Gigante (Giant Gonzalez),
6 Arn Anderson,
5. Bobby Eaton,
4. Steve Austin,
3. Sting,
2. Barry Windham,
1. Lex Luger.
Notice how Barry and Luger have the “top spots” ? (This
was a waste of precious Internet space)
- Battle
of the Rock & Roll Express: Ricky Morton vs. Robert Gibson: Morton has
Alexandra York (Terri) with him, and is ready to fight, as they start with a
brawl in the isle. Morton bails out of the fight right away, but gets brought
back by Gibson, and slammed. He bails again to follow up the hot sequence. What
a great wrestler! He takes a LONG time to get back to the “action,” and when he
does, he does a sloppy looking ram to the turnbuckle. Morton works the knee, as
we get a good look at how much they dressed like the Rocker’s at that point. He
tries a figure four, but Rob gets an inside cradle for two, but it doesn’t help
as Morton goes back to the knee. I mean, I know it’s good psychology and all,
but it’s REALLY boring and slow paced. Especially since it’s TOTALLY uncreative
knee working, which involves mostly stomps. Ricky finally hooks that figure
four (poorly), and the sell job isn’t too great either. He ain’t no Ric Flair,
I’ll tell ya that much. He ain’t even Jeff Jarrett. I mean that is just the
worst figure four I’ve EVER seen. Rock’s included. Gibson reverses, but Morton
makes the ropes. More knee working. Slugfest ensues, and Gibson (who looks a
lot like Paul E. here) wins, but Morton goes back to the knee. I wish I could
give you some reference point on how boring this is. It’s like a Viscera vs.
Pete Gas Iron Man match, or something. Rob catches him up top, and slams him
off, followed by an enzuguri. It spills onto the ramp way, where Ricky hits a
dropkick, and clobbers Gibson with York’s
computer for the pin at 17:17. Wow, that sucked. I mean, when I heard the “Battle of the Rock &
Roll Express” I expected a high-flying classic or something. But that just
sucked. Due to the psychology, I can’t give it as bad a rating as I want to,
but it’s still gotta be – ¼*. Wow, four matches in, and three are at negative
stars! (This was shit, but I wouldn’t quite unleash negative stars on it today)
- Eric is with Dustin Rhodes and the Young Pistols. The
interview is nothing at all, but I just wanted to mention that at this point,
Dustin was doing the BIGGEST impression of his dad that I’ve ever seen!
- Elimination Match: The Fabulous Freebirds and Badstreet
vs. The Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes: This is like a Survivor Series
match. Also, Badstreet is Brad Armstrong, dressed like Rey Mysterio jr. used
to. Dustin starts with Hayes, but all the heels run in and Dusty jr. takes them
all out, and they bail to the floor. Hayes takes it to Dustin, but a big brawl
breaks out and the Pistols take the Birds out. Garvin and Tracey have a go, but
the Birds stall like crazy. I hate the Freebirds. Garvin finally starts, and
Smothers hits a backdrop, but misses a dropkick, and tags Steve. He takes
Badstreet out quickly, and then the Pistols go to work on Hayes, but a long
criss cross leads to Tracy
getting killed on the floor. Tracey plays Ricky Morton, as the Birds do their
usual crap. LET BADSTREET IN! He gets in, and takes it to Tracey, but quickly
tags out to Michael Hayes. Mike hooks a quick sleeper, but it goes no where.
Smothers makes the comeback, but takes a right hand, and Garvin gets in for
some ass whippin’. He does a snapmare for two (??), and hooks a long chinlock.
Badstreet gets in, and hits a neckbreaker for two, and tags Hayes in. Great. He
goes for the DDT, but Smothers backdrops out, and tags Steve in. He cleans house
on everyone, leading to a big brawl, and Badstreet nearly loses his mask, but
Hayes saves and DDT’s Steve to eliminate him at 13:23. BUT WAIT, the ref.
decides that Hayes tossed someone over the top (an illegal move back then), so
he’s eliminated too. Don’t let the door hit ya, Mickey. Garvin quickly hits
Tracey with a DDT to put him out at 14:56, and it’s Dustin vs. Garvin and
Badstreet. Rhodes flies in quickly, and hits a
flying clothesline to eliminate Jimmy at 15:03, but Badstreet kicks his ass.
Elbow drop gets two, and Brad slams him. He heads up, but gets caught off a
double ax attempt, and Dustin hits a flying clothesline for two. Big Daddy Dink
(heels manager) gets involved too, but Rhodes
hits a bulldog on Brad (and dropkicks Dink while doing the move) for the win at
16:38. Decent enough. * ¼.
- Mask Match: The Yellow Dog vs. Johnny B. Badd:
Yellow Dog is Brian Pillman (who comes to the ring with a yellow dog), and is
masked. It’s a really dumb gimmick for those who don’t know. Ross even tells us
that the Dog is Pillman, just to show you that EVERYONE thought the gimmick was
dumb. If he loses, he’s unmasked, for those who care. Badd (who’s making his
PPV wrestling debut) is acting TOTALLY gay here, wearing lot’s of makeup, and
generally being fruity. Dog even yells to the camera: “Johnny ain’t gonna be
bad, Johnny’s gonna be gay!” which is just funny in delivery. Dog (called
“Flyin’ Brian” by Ross throughout) takes it to Badd to start, and taunts him.
Pillman does a half-ass wrestling sequence to get two on Badd, and tries
another half-ass sequence, but it gets reversed, so Brian hits a dropkick. It
spills outside, and Badd works him over. Back in, and Johnny hits a flying
sunset flip (beauty too) for a two count, and goes for the mask. It backfires,
as Pillman hits a stunner, and a German suplex. Spin heel connects, and a big
backdrop by Pillman. He hits a high cross body on Badd, but in comes Teddy Long
(Badd’s manager) for the DQ at 5:50. Bad ending to a decent enough match. ¾*.
- Eric intrudes on Missy Hyatt in the shower. Lousy perv.
- Lumberjack Match: Big Josh vs. Black Blood: Black
Blood is Billy Jack Haynes under a mask. (Do people still even know who that is?) How
many wrestlers (known more famously otherwise) were wearing masks at this show?
Armstrong, Pillman, Haynes. (That says it all about 1991 WCW, doesn’t
it?) Blood goes to work to start, and Josh takes a fall to the floor,
where the Lumberjacks attack. The crowd is just gone. Josh comes back with a
flurry of offense, and they trade chops, which Josh wins. The big guy does a
“log roll” (walks on his stomach), and tosses him to the floor, where the
Lumberjacks kick some ass. Black Blood comes back with a stun gun, and he
tosses Josh out for some abuse. Blood catches him with a suplex, as a brawl
breaks out with the lumberjacks. It doesn’t really go anyplace though. Kinda
like this show. (Oh, this show is going somewhere. Nowhere you want to be, but
somewhere none-the-less) Blood hits a release German suplex, and grabs
his ax from ringside, but lumberjack Dustin Rhodes stops him from using it, and
Josh gets a small package for the win at 5:39. DUD, in every sense of the word.
- One Man Gang vs. El Gigante: Oh, my DREAM MATCH!
Gang has Sullivan with him, and they dress like a couple of homo’s in leather,
and dog collars attached to eachother. Gigante has midgets with him, who all
look bigger than Sullivan, oddly enough. Which one’s Tazz? And which one’s Candido?
The Gang attacks them to start, but Gigante takes it to him in the early going.
He’s REALLY tall, I’ll give him that, but he’s a TERRIBLE wrestler. He all
clubbing. He misses a corner charge, and the Gang hits a 2nd rope clothesline,
but Gigante won’t fall. The Gang gets a wrench, and chokes the big guy with it,
and does HIS favorite moves: clubbing! Best match ever: Nash vs. Gang vs.
Gigante. Who’d do more lumbering and clubbing? Sullivan attacks the Giant with
the wrench as well, and the Gang keeps clubbing. What a tripe this match is! He
finally hits the 747 splash, but this crap DOESN’T END, as Gigante kicks out.
Great. Gang heads up top, but Gigante stops him with a slam, and a back elbow.
He hits a big suplex, so Sullivan gives the OMG some powder, but Gigante kicks
it in his face, and hits a clothesline for the pin at 6:22. I’ll give Gigante
credit … he tried. But it’s freakin’ ONE MAN GANG VS. EL GIGANTE! What can you
expect? - ***. Yeah, it WAS that bad! (Yeah, it really was. Worse, even)
- Review of the Sting/Nikita feud, which was a big thing at
the time (coming off SuperBrawl), and was to be settled in a Russian Chain
Match at the Bash.
- Russian Chain Match: Nikita Koloff vs. Sting: This
is basically a four-corners strap match, only with a chain instead of a belt.
The dead crowd tonight actually wakes up for this, giving Sting a good ovation.
They pull eachother around to start, and Sting attacks with some rights, and it
goes to the floor, where Sting dumps the big guy on the railing a couple times.
Sting chokes him with the chain, and takes him in to touch two corners, but
Nikita stops the flow, and kills him on the floor. Nikita is like a mix of
Goldberg and Tazz, the way he looks and dresses. Back in, and Koloff drops a
chain assisted elbow drop, and chokes away. He misses an elbow, and Sting
pounds him, and uses the chain for a timely low blow. Sting wakes up the crowd,
but Koloff rakes the eyes and hammers Sting. Nikita makes three corners, but
Sting stops it, and Nikita hooks a moving bearhug, moving BOTH guys to the
corners. They reach two that way, and then trade low blows. Ouch. They then
both dive at the third, and it’s one to go! Sting almost makes four, but Koloff
stops him just in time! He brawls with Sting, and the Stinger hits a Stinger
Splash into the final corner, which gives Nikita the win at 11:36. Pretty
Boring match, ¾*. Afterwards, Sting gets the crowd HOT by kicking Koloff’s ass
for the hell of it.
- WCW World Title, Steel Cage Match: Lex Luger vs. Barry
Windham: This is for the vacant title that Flair left behind when he jumped
to the WWF. Of course, Ric took the actual BELT (which he owned) with him, so
WCW had to use one of Dusty Rhodes’ old belts instead, because they didn’t have
the “big gold” belt. And that belt, obviously, wasn’t the WCW world title, so
they threw a cheep piece of metal over part of the plates on the belt and wrote
“World Championship Wrestling.” The crowds response to all this crap? A LOUD
“We Want Flair” chant at every turn. Just merciless … and rightly so. To
devalue this whole situation even FURTHER (if that was possible), Barry Windham
wasn’t even a CONTENDER to the title at this point. He was a tag wrestler, and
was all of a sudden “#2” in the world title rankings, and gets a shot on a
major PPV. It’s like if D-Von Dudley headlined the next WWF PPV against The
Rock for the title. You KNOW who’s walking out … and you know it’s a crappy
opponent. Luger was also the US
champ at this point, and NO BODY gets any heat here. The crowd is just sitting
on their hands. GIGANTIC “We Want Flair” chant to start, as Luger and Windham trade
shoulderblocks. Lex hits a hip toss, and they stall (a popular move so far in
this match). Criss cross leads to a Windham
dropkick, but the crowd REFUSES to pop. Luger with a slam, but misses an elbow,
and they go back to the stall. Luger does some mat wrestling, and a fight over
a suplex goes Lex’s way, but they kill the pace by stalling some more. Windham with a slam, but
a figure four attempt is blocked, and Luger hits an atomic drop. Of course, these
moves are all two minutes apart. A criss cross leads to a Luger sleeper, and
another to a Barry sleeper. How enthralling. Lex powers out, and catches Windham with a DDT for
two. Lex climbs the cage (this is a pinfall version, not escape), but Barry
slams him off for two. Windham
goes to the top, but misses an elbow, and Luger hits a backdrop, followed by a
series of clotheslines. It gets two. Back elbow gets two, and Luger hooks the
rack to a tremendous pop. They are excited, but quickly die … remembering
Flair. Barry quickly escapes, and hits a clothesline from the top! Windham with a backdrop,
and a lariat, followed by a slam for two. He goes to the top, and hits a big
dropkick for a dramatic two, as Harley Race and Mr. Hughes make their way out.
This confuses Windham,
who goes to see what’s happening, and Race tells Luger “Now is the time” so Lex
hits a piledriver (Race’s move) for the pin (and the title) at 12:37. Well,
that was a weird little heel turn for Luger, and totally confused the fans. The
match started off terrible, but got good, so I’ll call it at ** ¼. Please
understand, however, that that rating is based on the wrestling alone, and not
on the farce that this whole angle was. If I was judging it on that, it would
be a solid negative 5! (This was a solid ‘DUD’)
- Main Event, Steel Cage Match: Arn Anderson and Paul E.
Dangerously vs. Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt: Why this is going on AFTER
the title match, I don’t know. (Like the opener, probably had to do with
the amount of time it would take to both put together/take down the cage on the
air) But who cares, let’s just get this show over with. Neither team
gets any heat, BTW. Before this even goes anywhere, Dick Murdoch and Dick
Slater steal Missy Hyatt, and Rick is left alone. Huh? Arn starts off, and both
guys stall. Rick takes him down with a shoulderblock, and follows with a
powerslam to no pop. Paul E. jumps Rick from behind, but he quickly comes back,
and takes out Anderson.
Dangerously tries to climb out to escape Rick, but gets caught and clotheslined
for the pin at 2:03. Well that was quick. DUD. What was the point of that?
Missy didn’t even wrestle. (I didn’t know it at the time, but basically
local law prevented them from running the advertised mixed tag, so this was the
result)
- Bottom Line: You know, over time (and recent WCW)
many things have been called “worst PPV of all time,” but after sitting through
this show, I can SAFELY say, that Great American Bash 1991 is THE Worst PPV of
All Time on BOTH sides of the fence. Not only does it feature TERRIBLE wrestling,
but it’s also one of the worst shows angle wise, and crowd wise. The crowd sat
on their hands the whole night, and were only awake to chant “We Want Flair.”
In addition, we get a crappy title match, which EVERYONE knew would end in a
Luger title win, and the wrestling is the worst I’ve EVER seen. Four matches at
negative stars! And the highest thing I called was the title match at ** ¼, and
that match was an embarrassment to the sport in general. This is the worst PPV
ever. I don’t care WHAT they put on today, you can’t get worse than this. Even
if a card has bad wrestling, a hot crowd can help it. And if the crowd sucks, a
solid show can save it. Or solid angles. Or SOMETHING redeeming. But here, you
had everything being terrible, and a bush-league feel throughout the entire
production.
- The biggest waste of a three-hour PPV in the sports long
history!
- Strongest Recommendation to Avoid.
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