WWE WrestleMania 36 (April 2020)

 

Original Airdate: April 4-5, 2020 (taped March 25-26)

From Orlando, Florida; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton (RAW); Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield (Smackdown). Since it’s WrestleMania, I will once again be keeping track of the time between bells

Night One

As people have been predicting for weeks, we get a self-congratulatory cold open from Stephanie McMahon herself

WrestleMania host Rob Gronkowski officially opens the show by bringing out Mojo Rawley to hang out with him. Two nights with either of these guys is going to be a trial, so hopefully their involvement is limited to dancing in the balcony

Opening WWE Women's Tag Team Title Match: The Kabuki Warriors v Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross: About fourteen minutes before the opening bell here. They've gotten better about it since that first Smackdown, but man, these empty building shows are just so weird. And it's really odd watching them do their full entrances and playing to the non-existent crowd. I understand playing to the camera, but when they're doing that thousand yard stare into the 'crowd' it just looks stupid. And this isn't a knock on these four specifically, it's pretty much a roster wide issue. It's really off putting, and feels like one of those video game create an arena deals where you create a small gym atmosphere, but your wrestler still does a full stadium entrance. Asuka starts with Alexa, but she must want to social distance, because she immediately passes to Kairi Sane. Alexa slaps the shit out of her, and drops her with an STO to set up a kneedrop. Tag to Nikki to make a cover for two, but a sleeper backfires when Sane falls into her home corner for a tag while in the hold. Asuka throws a kick, but stopping to make taunts fires Nikki up, and Cross wins a slugfest. To the outside, where Bliss pops over to hit an interfering Sane with a baseball slide, followed by a dive onto Asuka. Cross with a dive of her own for good measure, and Bliss rolls Asuka in to cover for two. Nikki with a flying axehandle, but an attempt at a wristlock gets her punched in the face, and Kairi tags back in. She tries tossing Cross to the outside, but Nikki reverses. Baseball slide, but Sane blocks, so Alexa comes over with her own instead. Did the editors accidentally repeat the earlier part of the match, or did they just work the same sequence again on purpose? The Warriors win the exchange on the outside this time, and it's heat segment time on Nikki. She slips away from Kairi long enough for a tag, and Alexa comes in with a dropkick, but misses a charge, and ends up getting tied in a tree of woe to set up a flying double stomp from Sane. The champs cut the ring in half on Alexa, but she evades Asuka long enough for the hot tag to Nikki. Cross comes in with a bulldog on Sane, and a flying bodypress follows for two. DDT, so Asuka runs in to cut that off, but Nikki hits her with a swinging neckbreaker for two - saved by Sane with a flying elbowdrop. Cross with a rollup for two, so Asuka counters to the Asuka-Lock, but Alexa dives in with the Twisted Bliss to save. That earns her a spear from Kairi, and Asuka nails Nikki with a facebuster. Sane goes up to finish it off, but Cross gets to her feet before Kairi can dive with the elbow, and they slug it out on the middle rope. Asuka comes over to lend an assist, and a powerbomb/flying clothesline combo gets two on Nikki. The Warriors try another combo, but Nikki slips away this time, and Sane eats a swinging neckbreaker to set up a Twisted Bliss at 14:49. Maybe a little bit too long, but I liked it as an opener. ** ½

King Corbin v Elias: Eight minutes between bells here, which is not bad at all. I'd say Corbin is especially guilty of the playing to the nonexistent crowd stuff. Corbin tries charging him during the entrances, but Elias nails him with the guitar to block, and beats him up on the outside. Inside, Elias keeps unloading, and a backelbow gets him two. DDT gets two, so Corbin dumps him over the top to buy time. Looked like he was trying to dump him across the top rope, but he ended up going over instead. And considering Elias then comes back in with Corbin following him to the outside, I'd bet that's accurate. Corbin with a turnbuckle smash for two, and a cross corner whip leads to a clothesline for two. Corbin pounds him with elbows while staring off into the 'crowd,' and then stops to jaw at the commentators. Well, at least those are sentient beings. All that yelling works Corbin up enough to cover for two, and he stops to yell at the referee next. I'm feel like screaming directly into someone's mouth is not the most hygienic behavior even in normal times. Elias makes a comeback, and he looks like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage with his look tonight. That's good company to be in. He hits an inverted swinging neckbreaker for two, and holy shit, they've really spammed the WrestleMania logo EVERYWHERE on this set, haven't they? Elias misses a dive off the top to allow Corbin the Deep Six for two, but Elias fires back with a high knee for two. Back to the top, but Corbin distances himself, forcing Elias to chase. That allows Corbin a leveraged pin, but he gets busted by the referee, and Elias schoolboys with a handful of tights for three at 9:46. Not much to this, but at least it didn't get fifteen or twenty minutes. ¾*

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Becky Lynch v Shayna Baszler: Ten minutes between bells. I don't really watch RAW regularly, when did Becky become a trucker? Slugfest to start, won by Baszler. She goes for the Clutch early, so Becky spills to the outside to shake her off, but Shayna is on her tail for more abuse. She tries a powerbomb on the floor, but Becky counters with a headscissors takedown, and Baszler eats announce table and steps. Becky with a flying dropkick on the way back in, and she stomps a mud hole in the corner. Dis-Arm-Her, but Baszler blocks, so Lynch tries a cradle for two. Baszler returns fire with a spinebuster, and she hits a sloppy butterfly slam for two. Kneesmash, but Becky dodges, and they spill out to the apron to slug it out again. Lynch gets the better of that with a uranage on the apron for two, but takes too long getting to the top rope for a dive, and Baszler slams her off. She grounds Lynch with a cross-armbreaker, but Becky counters to a cradle for two, so Baszler shifts to her own version of the Dis-Arm-Her. Becky escapes, so Baszler throws a knee for two. Clutch, but Becky snaps her throat across the top rope to block. She tries the Dis-Arm-Her on the ropes, so Baszler counters with the Clutch, but it's in the ropes. Becky ends up on the outside, so Baszler follows to swing her into the announce table, and it's Clutch time on the way back in. She gets it locked, but Becky counters it into a cradle at 8:30 to retain. Well, that was a lot quicker than I expected it to be. I also really thought Baszler was taking the title here. The match was okay, but felt really underwhelming. **

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Sami Zayn v Daniel Bryan: A brisk five minutes between bells. Why is Zayn dressed like he's auditioning for Sgt. Slaughter's crew in 1991? Sami stalls to start, eventually frustrating Bryan into chasing him, but he runs into Cesaro and Shinsuke Nakamura on the outside, allowing Sami to steal the high ground. That draws Drew Gulak over to take Cesaro and Nakamura out, but he stops short of attacking Sami on Bryan's orders. With the blockade disrupted, Daniel drags him inside, and he pounds the champ with mounted blows. Bryan starts working the leg, so Zayn bails, but this time Daniel dives after him with a tope before he can hide. Bryan with a nice flying dropkick on the way back inside, and he ties Zayn up on the mat to drill with forearm shots. Into the corner, Bryan unloads, and sticks a nice cross corner dropkick. Sami shakes him off and throws a clothesline, and he starts firing off chops, but Bryan no-sells, and nails him with a hangman's clothesline. Daniel unloads the Yes Kicks, and then adds a bunch of stomps to the head for good measure. He goes up for a dive, but Cesaro and Nakamura distract him, and Zayn is able to block with the Helluva Kick to retain at 9:18. The actual work was perfectly solid, and Bryan looked especially good in there, but there was a lot of stalling in the early going, and the wrong guy went over. **

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Title Ladder Match: John Morrison v Kofi Kingston v Jimmy Uso: This feels like something out of the Attitude Era. Six minutes between bells. Everyone trades off in the early going to a stalemate, and then all three run out to get ladders. That leads to a climb off, and Kofi nearly has the match won, but decides to dive off a ladder with a bodypress on Uso. He gets into a lengthy reversal sequence with Morrison that allows Uso to make a climb, but Kofi abandons his fight with John to knock him off. He goes for the belt, but now Morrison is climbing the opposite side of the ladder, and he knocks Kofi off. He's got a clear path to the belts, but the ladder is off-center, and Uso is able to pull him off while he's trying to adjust. Kofi tries springboarding at both of them, but gets caught, and dumped over the top. That allows Morrison to grab a ladder, and he swipes at Jimmy's ankle with it to try and disable him. He planks Uso on a ladder to set up a flying corkscrew senton splash, inspiring Bradshaw's already infamous comparison to Mr. Perfect. They should go back and edit that out - it's that stupid. Morrison makes a climb, but here's Kofi with a springboard flying rana to bring him down, and it's just so weird seeing them bust out all these eye-popping spots without any crowd to react. Kofi climbs, but Uso starts coming, so he throws a sidekick from the ladder to block him. He abandons his climb to dive on a recovering Morrison with a suicida, so Uso tries a railrunner (or, rail slowly walker), but Kingston chucks a ladder at him to block that effort. Kofi planks a ladder between the apron and barricade and puts Uso on it, as it occurs to me... why do they need a barricade? Like, I know it's part of the set, but what's the point? Anyway, Kingston goes to the top rope to dive at the planked Uso, but Morrison ropewalks from another corner to pull Kofi off with a Spanish fly off the top! That was insane! And then Uso recovers and dives onto both guys with a flying splash for good measure! Uso climbs, but Kofi knocks him off by climbing up the inside of the ladder, and he pivots around to try and grab the belts, but Morrison is coming up the opposite side. They slug it out, ending in Kofi diving with a flying dropkick off the ladder, but now Uso is all up in his area again, so no climb. Uso chucks Kofi into a ladder to knock him silly, but now Morrison is back with a springboard, and Uso has to use a superkick to defend his position. Morrison ends up planked on a ladder, so Uso climbs another ladder to dive on him, but John tips it over, and Jimmy takes a bump to the floor. The camera didn't actually show him landing though, and since this is taped on a closed set, I'll bet he had a crash pad there. Morrison climbs, but he has trouble unhooking the belts, and here comes Kofi. They fight it out at the top of the ladder, so Uso shows up on a second ladder to try and bypass them both to the belts. All three guys end up grabbing the belts at the same time, leading to a tug-of-war at the top of the ladders - ending in Morrison getting knocked off, but able to hold on to the belts on the way down to retain for he and Miz at 18:17. This was fun, had creative spots, and a good finish, but the setting just felt all wrong. Like, this would have been a big hit in front of fans, but on a closed set it just didn't resonate the same way. Still really good, though. *** ½

Seth Rollins v Kevin Owens: Ten minutes between bells. Owens continues his trend of awesome modified WrestleMania t-shirts, this time with himself as both Hulk and Andre at WrestleMania IV. Seth suckers him with some stalling to start, but gets overzealous, and punched in the face. Rollins responds by RIPPING AT THE T-SHIRT, and holy fuck, I hope Owens kills him. Kevin with a clothesline to set up a pair of senton splashes, so Rollins bails, but Kevin is hot on his tail. He chucks Seth into the barricade out there, but a powerbomb on the apron gets countered with a backdrop, and Seth adds a falcon's arrow on the apron for good measure. The quality of some of these modern spots is just insane, and would have been completely unbelievable to me twenty years ago. And these days they don't even warrant a two count! Rollins with a pair of topes, but a third one gets blocked with a punch, so Rollins regroups with a sling blade as they head back in. Curb stomp, but Owens dodges, and drops him with a DDT. These reversal style sequences look especially goofy without a crowd. Not sure why that stands out, but it does. Owens with a superkick to set up a Cannonball, and he hustles to the top for a flying somersault senton splash for two. Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Rollins leapfrogs him. That leads to a reversal sequence that ends in Seth hitting an enzuigiri, but Owens rebounds with a lariat for a double knockout. Seth with an impressive bucklebomb to set up a superkick, but Owens fires back with a Pop-Up Powerbomb for two. Seth bails, but Kevin is right on him, so Rollins whacks him with the ring bell to shake him off - drawing a DQ at 9:57. Well, yeah. I mean, it's a closed set. The referee ain't gonna be distracted enough for you to get away with that kind of shit, dude. But then Owens grabs a microphone, and asks for the match to be restarted, this time under no disqualification rules. Why bother grabbing the mic? Need to make sure those people in the cheap seats can hear? Okay, so the match restarts with Rollins immediately hitting a high knee, sending Owens to the outside. Now in a no DQ environment, Rollins uses the steps on him, followed by some abuse with a chair. Owens returns fire with the ring bell to put Seth down, and he climbs a piece of the WrestleMania logo set, diving off of it with a flying senton splash to put Rollins through the announce table! That was pretty awesome! He gets Seth back inside so he can finish, but he's pretty battered from the fall himself, and it's a slow process. He still manages to land the stunner, and that's enough to put it away at 15:20. I thought this was pretty good, but the stop/start really hurt the flow, and the last five minutes of garbage brawling were a big step down aside from the big dive spot. ** ¾

WWE Universal Title Match: Goldberg v Braun Strowman: This was originally Goldberg defending against Roman Reigns, but, you know, Corona. Thirteen minutes between bells. Goldberg boots him in the gut out of the stare down, but misses a charge, and Braun goes for the front-powerslam. Goldberg counters with a spear, but Braun gets up, so Goldberg gives him another pair for two. Fourth spear hits, and Goldberg doing the big pop up/snarl taunt is hilarious in an empty building. Jackhammer, but Braun counters with a front-powerslam, and then hits another pair before finishing with a running powerslam at 2:12. Well, that was certainly to the point. This felt like a total waste. A waste of whatever Goldberg has to add, and a waste of the Universal title. ¼*

Main Event: Boneyard Match: Undertaker v AJ Styles: This one takes place outside of the Performance Center, in a graveyard set somewhere. Or, well, what I HOPE is a set, otherwise it's really disrespectful. AJ shows up in a hearse, while Undertaker shows up on his motorcycle, American Badass style. Ten minutes between bells here - though there's no official bell for this one. This is also very different than a traditional match (or even unique style matches like the Boiler Room Brawl, Hollywood Backlot Brawl, etc), as it's shot like a movie, with multiple camera angles, cuts, and professional framing. AJ starts by taunting Undertaker, but an attempt to throw dirt in his eyes gets blocked. Undertaker takes a swing, but AJ ducks, and Undertaker puts his arm through a window of the hearse. "Son of a BITCH," exclaims Undertaker. AJ tries to run away, but Undertaker chases him onto the roof of the hearse, unloading with mounted punches. The trash talk and movie one-liners in between are just perfect here. And, honestly, I'm surprised they haven't put Undertaker in one of their movie projects yet, because he'd be perfect playing the type of role Arnold and Stallone do nowadays. AJ manages to throw some dirt in his eyes to turn the tide, but Undertaker fights him off, and tosses him into an open grave. That draws Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson out for a distraction, so Undertaker advances on them, but that draws out a bunch of Druids. Oh shit, this just got real. "Let's do this," croaks 'Taker. They come at him bro, but Undertaker takes them each out, until Gallows and Anderson step in to double up. Why wouldn't they ALL just jump on him at once right away. Oh, duh, because then it wouldn't look realistic if he fought them all off. And, obviously, they crew behind this is very concerned with realism. They try to use a shovel on him, but Undertaker gets it away, and gives them a taste of their own medicine until AJ saves by hitting him with an actual tombstone. Styles with some mounted punches on the lawn, and he warns Undertaker to stay down, but he just won't. AJ begs him to 'retire already,' but Undertaker gets to his feet anyway, so Styles shoulderblocks him through a fence. "You just don't have it anymore, old man. You just don't have it anymore," as Undertaker wheezes and tries to catch his breath. Styles don't let up with the insults, so Undertaker gives him the finger, earning him another beating. Styles grabs a shovel to put the wheezing, broken Undertaker out of his misery, and he breaks it over his body to knock 'Taker into the open grave. AJ hops onto a tractor to finish the burial, but Undertaker appears behind him before he can do the job - complete with triumphant score! AJ runs away to the roof of a shed, so Undertaker uses his powers to start a fire, blocking his path. Gallows and Anderson try attacking, but Undertaker fights them off again, and chokeslams AJ off of the shed. And even with all the special effects and camera tricks, they STILL make the stupid crash pad obvious! Come on, guys! Undertaker stalks after him, talking his own trash as AJ comes to in a pile of rubble... "stay with me, boy... stay with me... we're not done yet." Styles begs off, offering apologies, but Undertaker just taunts him... "tell me what you're sorry for... those ribs hurt don't they... I'm just an old man, right?" ... before finishing his ass off with a big boot into the grave. He hops onto the tractor to finish the job, and Styles is buried at 18:45. How do you even rate this? It wasn't a wrestling match, but it was definitely entertaining as a short film, and probably much better than anything they could have done in a ring at the empty Performance Center. Let's call it three-stars, which I feel is probably the ceiling for whatever this was. It achieved what it needed to, was entertaining, and did a good job walking that fine line between 'over the top' and 'stupid.' What else could you want? ***

Night Two

Opening NXT Women's Title Match: Rhea Ripley v Charlotte Flair: A whole day between bells here. Or thirteen minutes into the show. Charlotte targets the leg as we get going, but Ripley manages to block an early attempt at the Figure Four. Flair tries to take her into the corner for chops, but Ripley won't have it, so Flair just chops her at center ring instead. Cross corner whip, but Ripley reverses, and hits a Riptide for two. Charlotte wisely bails, but she starts stalling, so Ripley stupidly chases, and loses the high ground. That allows Flair to put the boots to her, but Ripley fights her off with a snapmare to the outside, and she dives off the steps with a somersault senton. Back in, Ripley hits a dropkick, and she bashes Charlotte's face into the canvas. Vertical suplex gets two, so Ripley goes to the ground with a bodyscissors, and she turns it into a cradle for two. Big boot, but Charlotte ducks, and she's able to wrench the champ's knee across the top rope in the process. Flair wrecks the leg for a while, and generally shrugs off all of Ripley's hope spots until Rhea manages to hit a suplex to buy time. She starts mounting a comeback with a roundhouse kick and a dropkick, and she manages a three-alarm no-release short-clothesline. Charge in the corner, but Flair backdrops her to the apron, and takes a good kick at the leg to knock the champion to the outside. Charlotte goes up for a dive, but Ripley blocks, and brings her off the top with an electric facebuster for two. Missile dropkick gets two, and Rhea is literally shouting at her knee to get into gear now. Flair responds by clipping the thing, however, like a fucking shark. You know, those knee clipping blonde sharks. Figure Four, but Rhea keeps blocking, and she fights back with a standing cloverleaf. Flair fights her way out of the hold, but Ripley blocks the Figure Four again, so Charlotte uses a somersault cradle for two. She puts Rhea in a Boston crab from there, triggering a pinfall reversal sequence that ends in Ripley kicking her in the head to buy time. She manages a big boot for two (along with a really obvious edit), but Flair blocks a superplex, and comes off the top with a flying moonsault, but Ripley lifts her boot to block. Flair still nails her with a spear for two, but Ripley counters the Figure Four with a cradle for two. That's all she had left though, and Flair manages to get the hold on - bridging it into a Figure Eight for the submission at 20:27. This is one of the few matches on the card that really didn't suffer from not having a crowd, as they just did a straight, fast paced wrestling match instead of creating 'moments,' and that can work in this environment. I mean, always preferable with a crowd, but it works. *** ½

Bobby Lashley v Aleister Black: Ten minutes between bells here. After all that buildup, we don't get Lashley/Rusev for WrestleMania? They size each other up to start, with Black trying for takedowns, but Lashley blocking him. Lashley tries a charge, but ends up taking a spill over the top, and Black tries a dive after him, but misses. That allows Bobby an overhead suplex on the floor, and he rams Black into the barricade before taking him back inside to cover for two. Lashley works a chinlock, but Black starts to escape, so Bobby railroads him into the corner. Lashley with a neckbreaker, but Black keeps slipping out of the hanging vertical suplex, and he shakes Bobby off with a kick. Dive, but Bobby dodges, and he manages a powerslam for two. Lashley with a ropechoke to weaken Black for a vertical suplex, but it only gets two. Lashley tries a charge, but Black counters with a boot for two, and he starts making a comeback. Dropkick sends Lashley to the outside, so Black follows with a springboard moonsault press, but gets wrecked by a charging Lashley as they head back inside. Dominator looks to finish, but Lana wants him to spear him first, and of course that ends in a Black Mass at 7:16. ¾*

Dolph Ziggler v Otis: Twelve minutes between bells. Dolph shows up with Sonya Deville in his corner for this. Ziggler tries stalling, but gets caught in the corner, and avalanched. Another one, but this time Ziggler manages to dodge, and a superkick sends Otis to the outside. Ziggler introduces him into the post out there, and inside that gets him a one count. He tries a camel clutch, but Otis is just too fat, so Ziggler matslams him instead. I feel like wrestling Otis should come with hazard pay during this pandemic. Like, no offense, but that dude doesn't look like he washes much. Ziggler with a dropkick for two, and a neckbreaker sets up an elbowdrop for two. Dolph tries a chinlock/bodyscissors combo, but Otis is so big that he can't even get the legs locked all the way around him. He still works the hold, but Otis powers to a vertical base. Ziggler tries cutting him off with a dropkick, but Otis counters with a catapult into the middle turnbuckle, and he starts making a comeback. I like how the announcers are talking about his having his 'WrestleMania moment' despite there being no fans in the building. Like, they realize half of the 'WrestleMania moments' they love talking about so much only worked because of the crowd reactions, right? Like imagine the post-match stuff from Warrior/Savage at VII or Hogan facing Rock at X-8 in an empty building. Caterpillar time, but Sonya distracts him, and Dolph delivers a low blow. That brings Mandy Rose out to beat up Sonya, and she gives Dolph a low blow as payback for the one he gave Otis. That allows Otis to go back to the Caterpillar for the pin at 8:11. And then afterwards, Otis gets the girl, of course. Out of everything on the card, this one was probably hurt most by the situation. It wasn't a good match, but would have been a cool moment in a big stadium atmosphere, but here it was just a bad match in a vacuum. ½*

Last Man Standing Match: Randy Orton v Edge: Eleven minutes between bells. Orton sneak attacks with an RKO by disguising himself as a cameraman, and points for pulling that off in an empty fucking building. So the match officially starts once Edge gets back to his feet, and Orton just drops his ass with a second RKO right then and there. Edge beats the count by rolling to the outside, so Orton grabs the camera is was holding, and knocks Edge over the barricade with it. And we even get some shots through the camera during the attack, ala Rock/Austin at Backlash '99. Though not as good. Edge beats the count, so they brawl to the backstage area, where Edge eats table. He beats the count, so Orton ties him up with one of the workout machines, but Edge beats the count again. Randy grabs a weight plate to try and whack him, but Edge dropkicks that back at him, and now Randy is fighting to beat the count. He does, so Edge pounds him with forearms, and does a seated senton off a pull-up bar. This is getting really boring and repetitive. Like, it's too guys having a slow brawl through a gym with ample downtime for all the counts. It's not exactly the most engaging thing to watch. They keep trading shots with various gym themed weapons until they run out of toys to play with, and brawl into a corridor that's lit up like a Fiend match. Not much happens there either, just various weapon abuse, followed by counts. They pop back out to the main arena for a brawl on a platform, and Orton tosses Edge off of it and into a barricade. Getting a better look at the set, the presence of the barricade makes even less sense. They go backstage again, and wow, this facility is almost shockingly small to hold a wrestling event in. Like, it feels like some of the high school gyms they used to run TVs at in 1995 were bigger. They brawl back to a conference room, and I can't tell you how badly this is dying. Like, we're almost fifteen minutes into this thing, and all they've done is kinda walk around and throw random punches at each other between extended nap breaks. Seriously though, anyone telling you they had a problem with the presentation style of the Boneyard match should be forced to watch this a few times. I guarantee you they'll shut the fuck up about it forever. At least that was fun. So the big conference room spot is Edge hitting an elbowdrop on the table, but Orton beats the count, and they brawl out into another hallway. I'm so bored I could cry. They end up in a storage garage, where they do more of the same. Punch, kick, facesmash into some object. They end up in the interview set next, not much happens. To another backstage section, where Edge dives off a storage cage with an elbowdrop to put Orton through a table, but Randy beats the count. Literally all the highspots thus far have been fucking elbowdrops. Next we take a trip to the garage, where Orton ends up on the flatbed of a pickup truck, while Edge fucking disappears onto the roof of a shipping container. No word on whether or not it's the one that Becky apparently now drive around to make a few bucks between shows. So Randy follows him up onto the container for an RKO, but Edge counters with a spear, and Orton starts crying. Hey, I get how you feel, bro. Even the poor announcers sound like they're about to fall asleep. Orton beats the count, so Edge tries another spear, but Randy counters with an RKO. Edge beats the count, so Randy hits him with a chair, and now we've moved on to sex noises. Randy goes for another blow with the chair, but Edge counters with a choke to force Orton to drop the weapon, and he ends up down and out on the chair. Edge grabs another chair for a Conchairto, and that's enough to end this bullshit at 36:41. This was far too long, and honestly felt like it would have benefitted greatly from the Boneyard match treatment rather than playing it straight. Regardless, the biggest issue was the insane length, as they probably could have made this a watchable 15 minute brawl, but instead it just dragged on and on and on. And on. Without a doubt one of the worst matches in WrestleMania history. Maybe THE worst. But I guess it wouldn't be WrestleMania without SOMEBODY from Evolution overstaying their welcome. -****

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: The Street Profits v Angel Garza and Austin Theory: I'm surprised Ford is here. Shouldn't he be making ventilators? Eight minutes between bells. Street Profits feel like a modern version of Men on a Mission. Angelo Dawkins starts with Austin, and dominates. Over to Montez Ford for some double teaming, so Garza comes in to help, but both challengers get dumped. Back in, the champs work Austin over, but Dawkins misses a charge, and ends up on the outside. That sets up an attack from Garza on the floor, and that's enough to turn the tide. The challengers cut the ring in half on Dawkins, but he manages to slip away from Garza long enough for the tag to Montez. Ford with a standing moonsault for two, and a DDT is worth two - count broken by Austin, and Roseanne Barr the door. Garza hits a 2^nd rope moonsault on Ford for two, but he ends up taking an enzuigiri. Dawkins tries a charge, but Austin blocks with a superkick, and he adds a fireman's cutter. Cover, but Ford dives in with a flying splash to break the count, and Dawkins manages to get an arm across Austin to retain at 6:08. Nothing about this said 'WrestleMania match' to me, but at least it was quick. ¾*

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Fatal Five-Way Match: Bayley v Sasha Banks v Lacey Evans v Naomi v Tamina: This is elimination rules. Ten minutes between bells. Everyone gangs up on Tamina to start, and she fights them all off for a good while, before eventually getting overwhelmed, and dumped. Bayley and Sasha continue their alliance against the other two, and team up to nearly put Lacey away, but their efforts only get two. Naomi comes over to make the save, and she and Lacey hit stereo dropkicks for two counts on Boss 'n' Hug. That clears the ring, and Naomi quickly turns on Evans with a small package for two. Tamina's back to slam everyone around, and the ring gets cleared of Bayley and Lacey. Yeah, fuck whitey! Is Bayley white, though? So the three women of color show a moment a solidarity... but then quickly turn on each other. Alls fair in love and (race) war? Everyone gangs up on Tamina again, taking turns hitting her with various dives, ending in a dog pile pin at 6:24. Bayley and Sasha bail to let the other two fight it out, but they're really obvious about it, and that earns them baseball slides and planchas. They end up crashing a burning, however, and inside, Bayley and Sasha work over Naomi. Naomi makes a comeback, and tries to put Banks away with a submission, but Bayley saves. That allows Sasha to hit the lungblower into the Bank Statement and Naomi taps at 10:11. Bayley and Sasha patiently wait for a battered Lacey to get back inside, and promptly jump her the moment she's through the ropes. I don't like this whole dog pile pin idea. Only one at a time, c'mon ref! Heel miscommunication spot ends in Banks down on the outside, and Evans tries her darndest to put Bayley away with a series of quick cradles, but she can't get the job done. Sasha recovers and bitches Hug out over the miscommunication, which allows Evans to deck her for three at 13:23. Evans is all fired up and ready, but an attempt to charge a cowering Bayley backfires. Bayley with a pair of elbowdrops for two, but Lacey rebounds out of the corner on a whip, and she starts making a comeback. Slingshot bronco buster misses, allowing Bayley to send her into the post for two, and turn the tide. Bayley uses a tag rope to tie Lacey to the turnbuckle, but a charge gets blocked with a boot, and Evans frees herself. She makes another comeback, and hits the springboard flying moonsault, but it only gets two. She's still in control, but Sasha returns to pop her with a lungblower, and Bayley covers to retain at 19:15. This wasn't unwatchable, but also not good, and I really didn't care for the finish. * ¼

Firefly Fun House Match: Bray Wyatt v John Cena: Cena makes his entrance in the Performance Center, but instead of coming out, Bray shows up on screen inside the Firefly Fun House. "Who are we, really? And why do we do the things we do?" he asks. And with that, Cena is teleported into the Fun House. Ten minutes between bells here, though like the Boneyard match, there's no real 'bell.' Okay, so now Cena's alone in the Fun House, and he's all creeped out. He gets directed to go through a door to find Bray, and when he does, he's in a pitch black room, and confronted by a Vince McMahon puppet who implores him to find his 'ruthless aggression.' Now we find Bray alone in the ring in a pitch black room, doing an impression of Kurt Angle making his open challenge back in July 2002. That leads to Cena coming out, dressed like it's 2002, and yelling "ruthless aggression" over and over again, but all he's able to do is swing at Wyatt, and every swing misses. "Is this really what you want to do with your life?" asks Wyatt, frightening Cena, and causing John to charge, but he misses. Cut to the McMahon puppet along with a Randy Savage style puppet (called 'Macho Mercy'), and we're going back to Saturday Night's Main Event now. The classic 1980s version, not that bullshit from the 2000s, complete with the original opening. So we get Bray in front of the old blue bar cage cutting a Hogan/Savage style promo, and introducing Cena as his partner, a guy whose all about his body. Cena comes out holding two dumbbells, and he just can't stop pumping them, against his will. Pump, pump, pump until finally the weights drop out of his hands, but he's so spent that his arms are limp, and all of his attempts to strike at Wyatt flail around. Complete with puppet Vince mocking him. I'm pretty sure that's the actual Vince providing the voice, which is awesome. So Bray tells him that his ego is out of control, and now we've got Cena as the Doctor of Thuganomics, coming out in front of the old giant Smackdown fist and everything. This would have been even sweeter if he didn't just revive the gimmick last year. So he ends up in the ring with Wyatt, but can only speak in rhyme now. And black voice, since apparently that's still okay in 2020. Cena makes the most of it by dissing Bray, but Wyatt calls him a phony and a bully. Dude's got a point. Cena responds in his usual juvenile manner, but ends up getting knocked out by Bray, and now we cut to Bray cutting an old school Others style Bray Wyatt reliving his WrestleMania XXX loss to Cena. Then they're in the ring again, with Bray getting to rewrite the ending to that match, but Cena blocks the Sister Abigail. So Bray gives him a chair and tells him to finish the job he couldn't at XXX, but when John swings the chair, Wyatt disappears. Cut to the entrance graphics for nWo Monday Nitro, and Bray is in the ring cosplaying as Eric Bischoff, introducing Cena as Hollywood Hulk Hogan - complete with air guitar and porno music. "This is such good shit," notes the McMahon puppet. So Cena Hogan's his way to the ring, and he's finally able to successfully attack Wyatt. He unloads with mounted punches while getting flashbacks to various moments in his career as he unloads. But then Bray disappears, and the Fiend is standing behind John. Mandible Claw into the Sister, then back into the Claw, and Wyatt counts his own pin at 13:50. Well, that was certainly something different. I mean, if you thought the Boneyard match was something unique, that ain't got nothin' on this. If the Boneyard match was a late career Stallone or Schwarzenegger movie, this was a David Lynch film. And I loved it. What a wild fever dream this was! Yeah, it wasn't what I usually look for in a wrestling match - nor was it even at all a wrestling match - but it was one of the most interesting things WWE has produced in forever. And certainly the most creative in forever. I didn't know they had it in them anymore. Like the Boneyard match, how do you rate something like this? I have no clue. At least Boneyard was kinda sorta a match. But I really liked this for what it was, and I'm going with three-stars again, which feels like what the ceiling for this sort of thing should be. ***

Main Event: WWE Title Match: Brock Lesnar v Drew McIntyre: Nine minutes between bells. Brock blitzes him at the bell, but McIntyre reverses a cross corner whip, and hits a quick Claymore Kick for two. Another Claymore, but Lesnar dodges his time, and takes his challenger to Suplex City. F5 only gets one, and everyone is all surprised, but seriously, we're less than two minutes into the match, it isn't that surprising. Another F5 connects, but only gets two. Hey, but that's at least one more than last time! Third F5 hits, but still only gets two. Shit, even in the videogames you have to build up your finishers for longer than that. Fourth F5, but this time Drew counters with a Claymore, and he gives him a second one. He doesn't bother covering, but instead prepares and launches a third - this time hooking the leg for the title at 4:28. All considered, this felt really underwhelming as the main event of a six and a half hour show. Like, I know this is pretty much par for the course for Brock these days, but couldn't they have given us a LITTLE more? Especially since the Goldberg/Strowman match was basically this exact same thing. I mean, obviously this is a unique show and situation, but it's still the main event of WrestleMania, you know? Act accordingly. And if you're GONNA book this kind of match, at least don't put that shit on last! DUD

BUExperience: No matter what you’re going to say about this show, obviously that statement comes with a massive asterisk next to it. I was pleasantly surprised by this one. It wasn’t a good show, but it also wasn’t nearly the train wreck I was expecting it to be. It was still way too long overall (at nearly 6 hours and 23 minutes, it’s far and away the longest WrestleMania -  a record they seem to keep breaking every year), but it wasn’t all bad, and it was certainly unique. I mean, most of the WrestleMania’s since about 2004 all kind of blend together for me, but this one will definitely stand out years from now. I also appreciated that the time between bells was significantly more efficient this year, though a lot of that is probably due to the lack of grandiose entrances that have become such an important staple for the presentation of these shows at this point (and a component I personally love). That said, there was a lot of fat to trim here. This could have probably been cut down to a single four hour show without having to sacrifice anything important, but that’s just not how they roll these days.

For those keeping score with me, the total time between bells was about 159 minutes. Now, that sounds like (and is) a lot of time. But it’s worth noting that it’s less than the downtime at the past two WrestleMania’s (172 minutes in 2019 and 164 minutes in 2018), and both of those were shorter overall shows.

How do you rate this overall? If you want to break it down as two separate shows, Night One is clearly the better side of this record, with a much more consistent quality, even if never truly great. Night Two dragged a lot, and also featured what is easily the lowest point of the event. But I’m looking at this as a single show, and as such, it definitely gets something of a pass for historical significance (first WrestleMania (or PPV) without a crowd, first to take place over two nights, first not presented live), but it’s definitely not one I’m ever going to revisit as a whole anytime soon. Bits and pieces, maybe, but once was enough for the full picture here.

We always joke that WrestleMania feels like it's a month long these days, and this one literally started in March and ended in April. So, there's that.

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