WWE Elimination Chamber (March 2020)

 

Original Airdate: March 8, 2020

From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, and Renee Young (RAW); Michael Cole and Corey Graves (Smackdown)

Opening Match: Daniel Bryan v Drew Gulak: Feeling out process to start, with a nice old school flair to it. Gulak dominates, rattling Bryan in the process, and Daniel bails to regroup. Back in, Bryan manages to take him down for a surfboard, but Drew powers into a reversal. Daniel escapes, and he's looking downright pissed that this punk is embarrassing him like this. Bryan tries strikes, but Gulak keeps blocking, and takes Daniel down with a corkscrew legwhip to set up a toehold. Daniel slugs free, and tries to ground Gulak in a headlock, but Drew counters to a headscissors. Bryan tries to bridge out of it, but Gulak blocks with a seated piledriver, and he slaps on a hangman into a helicopter neckbreaker for two. Cravat, but Daniel fights to a vertical base, so Drew cracks him with chops. Suplex, but Bryan blocks, and fights for a reversal that sends both men over the top. Both guys beat the count back inside, and Gulak holds control with a saito suplex for two. He works a full-nelson, but Bryan escapes with a dragon suplex for two. Gulak returns fires with a bridging German suplex for two, and a reversal sequence ends in Drew LAUNCHING him with a release German for two. Bryan wisely bails, but he's so battered that Gulak is able to cover for two as soon as Daniel comes back in to beat the count. Gulak goes for the kill, but Bryan summons a second wind, and hits a hangman's clothesline. That allows him to unload in the corner, but an attempt to take Gulak to the top for a rana ends badly, and Bryan eats an inverted superplex. Dragon sleeper looks to finish, but Daniel won't quit. Drew pounds him and tries again, but this time Bryan counters to the Yes Lock, and Gulak passes out from the pain at 14:20. This wasn't an all time classic, but it's exactly the style of match I'm a total sucker for (with emphasis on storytelling over spots), and I enjoyed seeing this sort of thing on a main roster WWE show immensely. ** ¾

WWE United States Title Match: Andrade v Humberto Carrillo: Both guys charge each other at full speed to start, ending in a weird collision that Andrade gets the better of for two. Looked weird, but I prefer stuff like that over the overly choreographed shit we see most of the time. Like, in a real fight, it don't always look pretty. Carrillo sends him over the top with a clothesline, and he follows with a chop for two on the way back inside. Flying headbutt gets two, so Carrillo tries a sleeper, but Andrade escapes. Carrillo uses a springboard armdrag to send him to the outside, but Andrade snaps his throat across the top rope on the way back inside, and he quickly follows up with a dropkick. Andrade works an armbar, so Carrillo tries to fly around, but Andrade smacks him down with a backelbow before dumping him to the outside. Andrade follows to ram him into the post out there, and Carrillo takes a whip into the barricade as well. At this point I stop to look up how old Carrillo is, and I'm shocked he's even twenty four, because he looks about twelve. Inside, Andrade works an armbar again, but a charge ends badly when Carrillo backdrops him over the top. Carrillo starts making a comeback, and he uses a rana off the top for two. Flying moonsault, but Andrade dodges, and he hiptosses Carrillo into the turnbuckles to set up a running kneesmash for two. Meanwhile, Zelina Vega pulls up the mats out on the floor, and Andrade tosses Carrillo to the outside to finish off. He tries the Hammerlock-DDT on the exposed floor, but Carrillo counters with a backdrop - though onto the area where the pads are folded up, so basically a giant pillow. Carrillo adds a dive, but Andrade rolls through a flying bodypress for two. Pinfall reversal sequence follows, and Andrade hooks the tights on a cradle reversal for three at 12:32. This was okay. **

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Title Elimination Chamber Match: Miz and John Morrison v The New Day v The Usos v Heavy Machinery v Lucha House Party v Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode: The entrances for these Chamber matches just take for-fucking-ever. New Day and Usos start, since that's a fresh matchup, I guess. In case the quarantine has dulled your senses, that was sarcasm, by the way. They slam each other around for a while, before retreating to separate corners to await the arrival of Lucha House Party. Cue springboards! I'm not going to bother with much play-by-play here, it's just lots of eye-popping tandem moves, but with little in the way of storytelling. The execution is generally very strong, there's just not much going on in the way of connecting with the audience. Miz and Morrison are next in, and hopefully that means we get an elimination soon, because there are too many guys in there right now. I'm trying to imagine WCW ever running a match like this with their dinky little rings. More tandem moves all over the place, with nearfalls coming down to the downed guy's partner diving in for a save. Lather, rinse, repeat. Heavy Machinery is next in, and seriously, book an elimination guys. Heck, if you like it, book two. But I'm not greedy, I'll settle for one. Any one will do. We get a contrived dog pile spot with Lince Dorado doing a dive off the top of the chamber, and only Otis is left standing, so he kills off Gran Metalik at 17:16. About time they thinned out the herd here. Ziggler and Roode are next in, and of course, Machinery are waiting to meet them at the door because Otis is all hungry at Dolph over Mandy. But then Miz and Morrison save them instead of just chilling and resting, since WWE. Otis tries a charge at Ziggler, but Dolph dodges, and Otis crashes through the entire pod so hard that he ends up on the outside of the chamber. Because fat. I'll admit, that was kinda neat, though. So, Otis is dead, but Tucker decides to go it alone against Ziggler and Roode, and you can guess how that goes for him at 23:45. And, again, if your senses have dulled, Tucker got pinned there. Keep up, please. Okay, so with that bit of pesky storytelling out of the way, suddenly all the other teams comes back to life, and the Usos hit Ziggler and Roode with stereo flying splashes off the pods for pins at 25:13. Usos turn their attention to New Day next, so Miz and Morrison quietly chill, but the others get wise to it, and decide to destroy them. I'm no spy, but maybe if they weren't standing two feet away from them and grinning like two idiots they wouldn't notice? Just a thought. Kofi Kingston tries a dive, but misses, and Morrison capitalizes with a cover at 29:07. That leaves two teams, and it's slugfest time. Miz and Morrison try stereo springboards, and though Morrison totally trips up and blows his, he STILL manages to land in an Uso superkick anyway. Now THAT'S a pro! And that wasn't even sarcasm that time! Miz with a Skull Crushing Finale for two, so he puts Jimmy Uso in a figure four to try and finish, with Morrison adding a dive to punctuate it, but Jey Uso saves. Superkick on Morrison gets two, but he falls prey to a tandem move complete with a leveraged pin, and the champs retain at 32:54. This was basically like the post-hot tag segment of any modern tag match, only it was for the whole match as opposed to the third act. Which, yeah, it was all action, but where was the storytelling? * ½

No Disqualification Match: AJ Styles v Aleister Black: Looking at the rest of the card, this one has the potential to make/steal the show, but if it sucks, then I'm not liking our chances of breaking a DUD rating for this show. They size each other up to start, until Black starts landing strikes, and controlling. Cue a distraction from Luke Gallows to allow AJ a low blow, and he clips the leg to turn the tide. AJ's friends do know that this is no DQ, right? I mean, they can all just run in and kick the shit out of Black right now, and be done with it. Styles works the leg to neutralize Black's ability to throw kicks, and I feel like we're missing classic JR talking about 'educated feet' right now. AJ diligently works the leg for a bit, and then decides to kick it up a notch by grabbing a kendo stick, and unloading on the part. Black manages to fight him off, so Styles sends him to the outside with a dropkick, but Black blocks a plancha with those educated feet. Black wastes time setting up a table (and I mean really WASTES time, considering there are no less than three announce tables already good to go mere feet away from him), which allows AJ to recover enough to grab a chair and takeover again. Inside, Styles throws an enzuigiri, and he goes back to the leg again. Black fights back with a shining wizard, and still, AJ's pals are just chillin' out there at ringside. Seriously, ATTACK HIM, YOU MORONS! Black beats on AJ with the kendo stick, so Styles throws a pele kick to buy time, and a slingshot forearm gets two. Brainbuster gets two, but Black knocks him off the top as Styles makes a climb, and he starts making a comeback. Springboard moonsault press gets two, and a bridging German suplex is worth two. Styles fires back with a fireman's neckbreaker, but Black dodges the Clash. He tries another springboard moonsault press, but AJ catches him in a tombstone, so Black counters to a cradle for two. Big boot into a corner mounted chair knocks Styles to the outside, and Black follows with a dive off of the apron to drive AJ through the table from earlier. And still AJ's crew just stands there like a couple of impotent morons. Inside, Black goes for the Black Mass, and that finally draws Gallows and Karl Anderson in. They all kick the shit out of Black, but the lights die just as AJ is going for the kill, and Undertaker appears in the ring to make the save. He hits AJ with a chokeslam before disappearing in the dark again, and when the lights come back up, it's Black Mass time at 23:05. Really, we needed twenty three minutes to build to THAT finish?! This was really dull and disappointing on every level. * ½

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: The Street Profits v Seth Rollins and Murphy: The Profits making their entrance through the crowd might have seemed fun on March 8, but now looks absolutely terrifying in our new reality. Angelo Dawkins starts with Murphy, and the crowd actually seems to be pretty into the Profits. The champs dominate Murphy, but Montez Ford ends up in the wrong corner, and it's beat down time. Ford manages to fight Murphy off with an armdrag into an armbar, and Dawkins tags in to hit a dropkick. That sends Murphy to the outside, so Rollins runs in, but the Profits quickly dump him as well. Dawkins chases Murphy around on the outside, allowing Rollins to sneak up and clip the knee, and Seth hits a neckbreaker as they take the action back inside. The challengers cut the ring in half on Dawkins, but Ford gets in on the action, and it's dive time. That turns the tide, so the AOP jump him on the outside, and that's the end of that one. That then draws out the Viking Raiders to chase the AOP away, but thankfully it's over quickly before things fall apart from overbooking. Inside, the challengers work Ford over, but he slips away long enough to tag, and please let this be the end of the match already. Dawkins runs wild, but runs into some superkicks, so Ford dives in, and Roseanne Barr the door. Ford with a flying frogsplash, but Rollins lifts the knees to block, and covers for two. Nicely executed exchange there. Bucklebomb/enzuigiri combo sets up a flying kneesmash from Murphy for two, so Rollins tries a tope on Dawkins, but gets caught with a suplex on the floor. Inside, the champs try a superplex on Murphy, but Seth slides in to powerbomb them off the ropes - which honestly doesn't look like it would make any difference compared to the impact the aggressor would take in a normal superplex. Okay, so everyone is down, and suddenly Kevin Owens shows up with a box of popcorn, and he messes with Rollins. That allows Dawkins to take Seth out, and with Rollins out of the way, the champs isolate Murphy to retain at 18:20. Another one that stuck around far longer than it needed to, as they needlessly stretch matches out to fill these overlong pay per views. ¾*

WWE Intercontinental Title Handicap Match: Braun Strowman v Shinsuke Nakamura, Cesaro, and Sami Zayn: Sami starts, and is all bluster, but then immediately tags out to Nakamura before ever making contact. Braun still chases after him anyway, so Nakamura tries grabbing a headlock, but that goes about as well as you'd expect. Braun whips Nakamura around while jawing at Sami the whole time, which finally becomes enough of a distraction that Nakamura is able to take him down with a few dropkicks to the leg. Tag to Cesaro to ropechoke the champ, and now Sami is happy to tag in to put the boots to Braun. The trio of challengers take turns working Braun over, but it doesn't really go anywhere, and he just starts making a comeback at random. That leads to Braun shoulderblocking Nakamura and Cesaro on the outside while chasing Zayn, but Sami hides underneath the ring to avoid him until Nakamura and Cesaro recover enough to save him. Nakamura with a shining wizard for two, and Cesaro tries the Neutralizer, but you can guess how that goes. Luckily for him Braun misses a charge to allow the heels to keep control, and a tandem suplex/Helluva Kick combo give Zayn the gold at 8:24. *

Main Event: #1 Contender's Elimination Chamber Match: Asuka v Natalya v Liv Morgan v Ruby Riott v Sarah Logan v Shayna Baszler: Wait, this is the MAIN EVENT?! Natalya and Ruby start, and Riott hooks a sunset cradle for two right away. She unloads in the corner, but misses a charge, and Natalya dumps her out onto the platform for a few tosses into the chamber. Natalya with a snap suplex on the platform, and she locks on the Sharpshooter out there, but Riott manages to slam Natalya's head into Liv's pod to break. Ruby with a seated senton off of the chamber wall for two, but an attempt to climb backfires when Natalya pulls her off with an electric chair. That looked really awkward. Logan is in now, and she blitzes Natalya with a running dropkick out on the platform, while Ruby bails to the top of a pod to get herself out of harms way. Logan follows to win a slugfest out there, so Ruby tries to run back down - only to get caught with a sitout powerbomb on the platform from Natalya. They're trying for big bumps, but the execution has been really terrible so far. Logan dives onto both with a flying bodypress from off of the pod, so Ruby bails into the ring to distance again. Maybe she was just reading up on Coronavirus tips before the rest of us? Logan chases for a superplex, but Natalya sticks her nose in for a tower of doom spot - leaving all three down as Shayna enters the match. She wrecks everyone with ease, and taps Logan with the Clutch at 7:51. Same fate for Ruby at 8:11. She decides to torture Natalya some by slamming a pod door on her a bunch of times before locking on the Clutch, and Natalya's done at 9:33. Now we get a bunch of dead air as Baszler dances around the ring taunting the two people still in the pods, and seriously, just play with the timer, and get another body in there already. Like, what, suddenly they're above that sort of thing? Though, the three of them all hanging out in their own little spaces is great practice for social distancing. Morgan is next in, and Baszler just murders her by swinging her into the chamber wall and a pod. Meanwhile, Asuka continues to dance alone in her pod. Baszler with a clothesline on Morgan, as she toys with her prey. Clutch finishes her at 14:57. So now more dead air as we wait for Asuka to buzz in. This just exposes how little connection these workers have with the fans, as in a different era someone like Randy Savage or Hulk Hogan would have made that dead space into its own form of entertainment. And that's not really a knock on Asuka or Shayna specifically - I like both. It's just the nature of the modern WWE product more than anything else. So, after an eternity, Asuka finally enters the match, and after all the build, the crowd barely even cares. Asuka manages a hip attack to put Baszler on her knees for a series of strikes, but a big knockout kick misses, and Baszler unloads her own strikes. Powerbomb, but Asuka blocks, and throws a roundhouse kick. Asuka-Lock is applied, but Baszler manages to roll out onto the platform while in the hold, and she bashes Asuka into the chamber wall to escape. Inside, Baszler puts on the Clutch, but Asuka escapes. That looked terrible. Back to the Clutch, and this time Asuka passes out at 21:00. This was pretty bad, with lots of poorly executed spots and sequences throughout, coupled with vast dead zones. ¾*

BUExperience: Even on paper this was a super weak lineup, with only secondary and tag titles defended, and very little star power. It’s definitely not a good show, but it’ll probably be the last ‘normal’ WWE pay per view we’ll see for a while, so it’s got that going for it. I guess.

DUD