WWE Royal Rumble (January 2012)

Original Airdate: January 29, 2012

From St. Louis, Missouri; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Booker T, and Jerry Lawler

Opening World Heavyweight Title Triple Threat Cage Match: Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry: Bryan goes for an escape right at the bell, but Henry pulls him down, and Show spears him. Show then avalanches Henry against the cage a few times, so Bryan tries for another escape, but Show manages to cut him off - slamming Daniel off the top rope. Bryan manages to stick and move, successfully putting both monsters down, and he unloads on Henry with a series of kicks. Dropkick for Show, allowing Daniel to go for the door, but Mark cuts him off. Show recovers and goes to town on Daniel, but gets nailed by Henry before he can go for an escape. Henry tries to avalanche Bryan against the cage, but Daniel dodges, and covers for two. Show clotheslines Bryan, and sends him flying into the steel a few times, before booting him down. Chokeslam, but Bryan blocks, so Show tries an avalanche, but Bryan blocks that as well. Daniel drops him with a tornado DDT for two, and he traps him in a LeBell lock, but Henry saves. Mark launches the champion into the steel, and sets up a slam, but Show knocks Henry out before he can deliver it. Show covers, but Bryan saves at two, and hustles up the cage. He makes it over the top before Show manages to grab him. They slug it out at the top, and Bryan can’t win that, but manages to slip out of Show’s grasp long enough to bump to the floor - picking up the win at 9:06. Bryan had to turn it down here, but his dedication to bumping around the entire ring carried this. * ¼ 

Eight-Woman Tag Team Match: Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Nikki Bella, and Brie Bella v Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, and Tamina: The heels all dress in matching outfits, like the Hart brothers at Survivor Series ‘93. Natalya and Tamina start, and do some second generation scuffling. Tamina gets the better of it, and tags Eve for a standing moonsault for two. Natalya manages to pass to Beth after shoving Eve into the heel corner, but Eve fights off the gang up, and hits Beth with a clothesline. Somersault senton splash, but Beth lifts her knees to block, and hooks the leg for two. Tag to Nikki to ropechoke Eve, and she works a chinlock from there. I mean, kinda. It looks like a chinlock, but I’m not sure a single chin was actually locked. Fox catches a tag and comes in with a pair of dropkicks, but gets dropped in the corner, and Nikki puts the boots to her. Nikki with another ropechoke, and a facebuster sets up a mat-based abdominal stretch. Fox’s screechy selling is not appreciated. Fox escapes and tags Kelly, and Kelly sends Nikki flying with a headscissors, then handspring backelbows her. Kelly adds a bulldog for two, drawing Brie in, and Roseanne Barr the door, we’ve got a kettle on! Everyone ends up on the outside for Kelly to dive at in a dogpile spot, but Kelly gets dropped by Nikki on the way back inside, and Beth tags in to Glam Slam Kelly at 5:25. This was inoffensive, but nothing of note. ½*

John Cena v Kane: Slugfest to start, won by Kane with a backelbow. He clotheslines Cena to the outside, but John reverses a whip into the steps, and they head back in. Kane slams him around, so Cena triggers another slugfest, but it’s another losing effort. Kane with a chop thrust to the throat for two, and a vertical suplex is worth two. Chinlock, but Cena escapes, so Kane slugs him down again. Kane tries a charge, but Cena dodges. John tries a bulldog from there, but Kane blocks, and John ends up on the apron. Kane goes after him, but Cena snaps his throat across the top rope to buy time, only to run into a clothesline as he climbs back into the ring. He locks a clawhold on, and Cena fades, but manages to counter to a LeBell lock. Kane escapes and delivers a sidewalk slam, allowing him to go to the top with a flying clothesline. Chokeslam, but John dodges, and makes a comeback effort. The Five Knuckle Shuffle gets blocked with a choke, however, and Kane big boots him down for two. Kane takes him into the corner to unload on, and he tries a superplex, but John blocks. That allows Cena to dive with a flying fistdrop, but Kane blocks the Attitude Adjustment. John responds by dropkicking the leg, but Kane knocks him to the outside to block the STF. Kane follows to ram John’s back into the apron, and they brawl up the aisle for a cheap double countout at 10:55. This was kind of messy, but generally had a beat you could dance to, though the finish was terrible. Especially since their brawl didn’t have any real chaotic energy or urgency to it, they just kind of waltzed around until the bell finally rang. *

Drew McIntyre v Brodus Clay: Wait, they redid Flash Funk in 2012?! Because it was such a runaway success the first time?? Drew attacks with forearms at the bell, and hammers Clay into the corner, but Brodus starts no-selling him. Clay comes back with a suplex, and an avalanche leads to a bodypress at 1:05. Yes, they once jobbed Drew McIntyre to the fat guy from Fox News in one minute. DUD

WWE Title Match: CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler: John Laurinaitis acts as the special guest enforcer, and he boots Vickie Guerrero before the opening bell even sounds. Oh, Jesse Ventura would have ripped him to shreds over that one. The 2012 announcers just cheer it, of course. Meanwhile, Cole notes that Punk is a bad choice to represent a company, since he’s got a real problem with authority. Yeah, about that. Posturing to start, dominated by Punk. The champ dumps Ziggler to the outside for a tope, but Dolph turns it around on the way in, and delivers a series of elbowdrops for two. Ziggler works a chinlock from there, but Punk uses a side suplex to escape, so Ziggler goes to a sleeper. Punk escapes again, so Ziggler throws a dropkick for two, but a rocker dropper gets countered with a sitout powerbomb for two. Punk makes a comeback, but Dolph blocks the GTS. He tries a catapult, but Punk lands on the middle, and dives back with a bodypress - only for Ziggler to roll through for two. Zig Zag, but Punk blocks, and hits a knee strike for two. Punk with a bodyslam to set up a flying elbowdrop for two, but Ziggler blocks the GTS again, and the referee gets bumped in the process. Punk gets Ziggler in the anaconda vice, but there’s no referee to see Ziggler tapping. Punk lets off to go get John’s attention, allowing Ziggler to roll him up, but Punk reverses - Johnny still busy checking on the main official to count. Punk gets in his face about it, allowing Ziggler to sneak up, but Punk grabs him in the GTS. Cover, but now Johnny is holding his neck since he got bumped during the move, so no count. Punk tries to revive the original official, then sets up another GTS, but Dolph counters with a rocker dropper for two. Dolph unloads on him from there, but another rocker dropper gets countered with a catapult into the corner, and Punk delivers a GTS at 14:30 - John sliding in to count the pin right alongside the referee. This wasn’t bad, but it made Ziggler look super weak, and wasn’t exactly a classic anyway. * ½ 

Main Event: #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Miz gets #1 and Alex Riley gets #2, let’s do this thing! They slug it out to start, and Riley catches him with a clothesline, but fails to dump Miz over the top. Miz pounds his former protege down, so Riley tries a charge, but Miz ducks him, and Alex is gone. R-Truth gets #3, and Miz takes some pain. Truth tries dumping him, but Miz hangs on, and tries for the full nelson facebuster, but Truth blocks. Truth tries a suplex, but it goes sideways on him, and he just kind of dumps Miz in a messy front-powerslam instead. #4 is WWE Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes, and he runs wild on Truth. Miz helps him gang up, and Justin Gabriel hits the ring as #5. He takes out Miz and Cody with a double flying bodypress, but doesn’t get further. #6 is WWE Tag Team Champion Primo, and he sticks and moves, as Miz dumps Truth. Truth pulls Miz under the bottom rope to keep the fight going, however, and he knocks him silly with a DDT on the floor. #7 is Mick Foley, in his first WWE match since the 2008 Rumble. And he looks pretty good! He gets Primo out, and nails Cody with a running kneesmash in the corner, ahead of a double-arm DDT. He enlists Justin to try and toss Cody, but the effort fails, as Ricardo Rodriguez joins the party at #8. And it’s literally a party, as Mick and Justin welcome him with open arms, and let him help with beating up Rhodes. Before ultimately turning on him, because wrestling. But then Mick feels bad, and coaches him through beating on and eliminating Gabriel. Santino Marella draws #9 to up the goofiness ante. Mick sends Ricardo after him, but even with Foley’s coaching, that does not end well for him. Santino dumps the kid, which angers Foley, so Mick triggers a socko v cobra showdown that draws a huge pop. This comedy stuff was the perfect use of Foley at this stage. So they’re circling each other with their socks of choice when WWE Tag Champion Epico enters at #10, and they decide to use them on him instead. Epico is gone in short order, allowing them to get back to their sock explosion, but Miz and Cody break it up, and Marella is gone. Miz tries the full nelson facebuster on Mick, but Foley counters to the mandible claw, so Rhodes sneaks up and dumps Mick. Big boos for that, but he had a fun run, nicely booked. #11 is Kofi Kingston, but he doesn’t really add much. Jerry Lawler pulls #12, leaving his spot at the broadcast table to join the fray. No ‘it takes a king’ bit this time, sadly. He fights off a double team from Miz and Rhodes, but ultimately gets dumped, as Cole jumps for joy. Ezekiel Jackson draws lucky #13, and throws a bunch of clotheslines. Jinder Mahal gets #14, and he basically waltzes to the ring in slow motion. #15 is Great Khali, who is apparently Jinder’s brother-in-law. I never realized they were related in kayfabe, so at least this match will be a learning experience, if nothing else. He tosses Jinder and Jackson within seconds, and here comes Hunico at #16. He does nothing. Booker T draws #17, sending Cole into a second fit of rage. Okay, cute gag. Miz tries to dump Kofi, but he lands in a handstand, and walks on his hands to get to the steps, and back in. Great tease there. #18 is Dolph Ziggler, and he goes after Kingston. #19 is Jim Duggan, in his first WWE match since the 2009 Rumble. Big pop for him, and he gets to run wild for a bit, before Rhodes dumps him. #20 is Michael Cole, to pay off the gag. But #21 is Kharma, and Cole eliminates himself (with a little help from Jerry and Booker). Dolph comes over to order Kharma out of the ring (since she’s a woman, see), but that ends badly for him. But then she gets distracted, and Ziggler tosses her, which Booker says is him ‘doing the impossible.’ In what way? No, seriously. Is it a shitty fat joke? Or does Booker legitimately not understand the rules of the match? Sheamus draws #22, and that’s it for Kofi. #23 is Jesse James, in his first WWE match since December 2000! #24 is Jey Uso, back before anyone cared. #25 is WWE United States Champion Jack Swagger, but he adds nothing. #26 is Wade Barrett, AKA Darkwing Duck. Let’s get dangerous! He dumps Road Dogg. David Otunga draws #27, which seems like a real waste of one of the top spots, and the crowd responds accordingly. This thing needs some major star power to close, and not just some bullshit cameo. Randy Orton pulls #28, which is exactly what I was talking about, so at least they delivered there. And the crowd responds to that accordingly, too. Uso is gone. Barrett is gone. #29 is Chris Jericho, and that’s a wrap for Otunga. Big Show rounds out the field at #30, as Sheamus tosses Swagger out. Show dumps Miz and Rhodes at the same time, and then casually dumps Dolph as well, leaving Sheamus, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and Big Show as the final four. Everyone wisely gangs up on Show, but he’s still too fresh, and fights them off. Chokeslam for Jericho, but that allows Randy to deliver an RKO. That rattles the big guy, and Randy manages to dump him - only for Jericho to sneak up on Orton to toss him! Chris fights off an elimination attempt from Sheamus, and hits him with a 2nd rope dropkick, but runs into a uranage backbreaker. Sheamus looks to dump him via crucifix powerbomb, but Chris blocks, and knocks Sheamus over the top. Sheamus lands on the apron to save himself, so Jericho throws a springboard dropkick, but Sheamus manages to stay on the apron to stay in the game. Chris tries to force him off, but Sheamus fights it off, and hits Chris with a slingshot shoulderblock. Sheamus tries dumping him, but Chris hangs on. Sheamus responds with a Brogue kick, but Jericho ducks, and gets the Walls on. Sheamus makes the ropes, but it’s the Rumble, fuck you. Jericho with a charge, but Sheamus backdrops him over the top - Chris pulling a Shawn Michaels to stay in it. They fight to the top rope, and both guys fall, but land on the apron. They roll in, where Jericho is ready with a codebreaker, and he makes a cover. First a Shawn Michaels, now a Randy Savage. Chris tries to dump him, but Sheamus fights it off, so Jericho tries another codebreaker, but Sheamus dumps him over the top! Jericho pulls another HBK save, but Sheamus blasts him with a Brogue kick this time for the win at 54:54! Great, drama filled final act, one in which I honestly had no clue where it would go. A pretty fun Rumble, with a lot more cutesy or full on comedy spots than usual, but that actually felt refreshing, as opposed to the usual parade of ‘come in, run wild, fade into the background’ stuff. Some fun cameos, too. ** ¾ 

BUExperience: Most of this show wasn’t really pay per view caliber wrestling, but it also felt like a really breezy and entertaining watch, so it’s not a total stinker. A good background noise kind of show. 

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