HITMAN383 for WWF Coliseum Video: Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits

- The HITMAN383 for Coliseum Video’s “Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits.” I’ve heard so much “good” about this tape lately that I might as well review it, huh? (Originally written in 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your host is Mean Gene Okerlund, who gripes about having a tribute tape to a guy like Piper.

- Piper’s Pit: Roddy has Andre the Giant on as his guest, but Andre doesn’t really give a shit about Piper’s questions, so Piper dumbs it down for him. He starts getting pissed that Andre won’t respond well to him, as he starts claiming that John Studd told him that he slammed Andre. He then has the balls to claim HE could slam Andre. That gets them into a scuffle, which Piper cowers during, but once Andre leaves, he’s a tough guy again, and promises revenge. “You don’t throw rocks at a man carrying a machine gun!” he yells. This was just a great segment.

- Roddy Piper & David Schultz vs. Andre the Giant & Jimmy Snuka: From New York, at the Garden. Piper, of course, refuses to start, and makes Schultz do it. That doesn’t go well for him against Andre, obviously, so Piper figures “if you want it done right, do it yourself,” and tags in. He struts around, thinks about it again, and tags right back out. Hey, ya blame him? Andre uses his ass (literally) to knock Dr. D out, but Piper still refuses to tag out, instead, cheering Schultz on. Dave jumps the big man from behind, and works him over in the corner, and NOW Piper wants the tag. He hammers away, but only angers the Giant, and now we have a brawl! That lasts all of ten seconds, however, until Piper tags right back out. Schultz actually does well, using a bunch of cheap tactics, and double teams. Piper, of course, makes sure to use brass knux to REALLY lay out the Giant. That busts him open, and again Piper wants in. He goes to work, as commentator Pat Patterson talks about the “steel brass knuckles” that Piper used. Well, we never said Pat was the brightest bulb in the box. (No, but he was the lightest) That’s almost as good as when Gorilla calls Bret Hart’s Russian leg sweep a “swinging neckbreaker.” Anyway, the heels work on the cut for a while, until medics come out to attend to the big man. Oh COME ON, it’s not that bad of a cut. Anyway, it takes about (legitimately) 20 guys to carry him to the back, as Piper (covered in Andre’s blood no less) talks trash. Snuka still wants to go, however, and the crowd urges them on, so now we have a handi-capped match. Criss cross allows Jimmy a dropkick on Piper, and he goes to work on both heels, with the crowd going crazy. They really are enjoying this, but the WWF decided to pipe in a bunch of canned heat along with it, too. Snuka’s offense doesn’t last, however, and the heels take over again. That prompts Andre to return (bandage and all), and he rips Piper into a million shreds. Big boot for Schultz, and another lays him out. Piper bails out, of course, and leaves Dr. D to the wolves. He gets tied up in the ropes, and the faces try something, but Roddy saves him, and both teams walk out at 12:21. The official call? Piper’s team wins by DQ, because Andre was no longer in the match when he came back out. Okay. Anyway, the match, for wrestling value, was about ½*, but let me tell you, it was not AT ALL boring and/or bad. It was just thirteen minutes of entertainment from four guys who know how to tell a good story out there.

- Piper’s Pit: Jobber Frank Williams is on the show, and Piper asks him if he’s ever lost a match. Williams, of course, openly claims he has. Piper, however, claims HE himself has never lost a match, because once you lose one, you’re a loser for good. Piper then runs Frank down, prompting the poor guy to try to defend himself, so Piper just beats the shit out of him. Another fun segment.

- Piper visits the set of “The A-Team,” and harasses the shows star, Mr. T. Piper of course takes every cheap shot he can at T, pissing him off more and more, until they get into a quickly broken up fight. Piper is THE MAN at this point, BTW.

- WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Roddy Piper: This is from MTV’s “War to Settle the Score,” the show that essentially brought forth the Rock ‘n Wrestling connection, and set up what would eventually become the first WrestleMania. Piper gets played out by the bagpipe boys, but he himself has an electric guitar (and a HulkaMania shirt to boot), which he smashes to symbolize his hate of Rock and Roll. The special ring announcer for this is actually Bob Costas, in an odd moment to see today. Hogan’s pop is, of course, insane. Slugfest to start, schoolyard style, rolling around on the mat and everything. Hogan wins, and hits a cross corner clothesline. Series of slams, and Hogan drops a big elbow. Piper with a cross corner clothesline of his own for two, and he kicks away on the champion. Sleeper (which quickly becomes a choke), and Hogan does the arm drop bit. Piper still kicks the shit out of him, however, with Bob Orton interfering at every turn. Hogan responds to that by dropping his “broken” arm on the post, as Paul Orndorff makes his way to ringside. Hulk goes to work, but the ref gets bumped, and Orndorff attacks. The heels go to work, as Cyndi Lauper tries to stop it. The heels go after her, too, so Mr. T comes out of the crowd to break it up. HE gets his ass kicked, too, however. Hogan’s up though, and it’s NO SELL TIME! Piper bails, and waits until security is holding him back before he tries to go after Hogan/T again, and this all breaks down around 7:37. About 100 guys break up the brawl, which leads to WrestleMania I. How many shows were IN MSG around this period, anyway? (It always amazes me just how often they would run the Garden in the old days – and to packed houses, no less) The official call? Hogan by C/O. Again, the match was about ½*, but was a shit load of entertainment.

- Piper’s Pit: Piper brings out his favorite wrestler for an interview: himself. They do the split screen trick, and we have TWO Piper’s now (one actually clad in a tux, but with wrestling boots instead of shoes). They mess around, of course, with Piper running down everyone, all while making cracks about the size of his cock. The interviewing Piper has a letter from, of all people, Hulk Hogan’s mother. He reads her letter (pointing out all spelling mistakes such as spelling name “nam”), and the letter tells about how Hulk wakes up in the morning screaming Piper’s name, and crying at her ankles. “This looks bad, because he is world champion,” she writes. Piper then claims he saw he on 42nd street “just the other day” with all the other bag ladies. Piper on Hollywood: Clint Eastwood shoots guns … yeah … but when I shoot a gun, huh, someone gets pregnant.” Piper is the man. Finally, he has a tip for anyone who can’t get their wife pregnant “pick up the phone, and give me a call, I’ll be right over.” Classic, classic segment, which alone is worth the price of the tape. (Yeah, this segment is amazing)

- Mean Gene goes to a gym in New York to see Piper and Orndorff training for the WrestleMania match. He finds them sitting on the ground instead of working out, however, but Bob Orton explains that they’re meditating. Piper then starts growling, and acting like a heroin addict. Finally, they wake up, and work out. Gene is impressed with their strength, but Gene just pisses them off, so they throw him out on the street. Some pedestrian gets in the way, however, so they beat him up, too. Not as great as the previous segment, but really, what could be? Still a good segment.

- Vince McMahon is with a doctor in “his office,” (really an obvious soundstage) and Piper and Orton arrive. The reason to the visit is to check on the healing process of Bob’s arm. The doctor claims that, according to new x-rays, the arm is fully healed, and in 100% condition. Piper, of course, claims that he’s wrong, and that he switched x-rays. The doctor claims that that did not happen, and that a mistake did not happen. “Yeah, because there’s NEVER been a mistake in a hospital,” quips Piper. “That’s why they don’t have insurance for doctor’s, huh?” The doctor concludes the arm is obviously fine, so Piper starts running around the office quacking like a duck, and cracking up McMahon. Another great segment.

- Piper’s Pit: Piper has Jimmy Snuka on as his guest. He brings Snuka some pineapples, bananas, and coconuts to make him feel at home. Snuka is offended, of course, so Piper tries to feed him bananas. Snuka is not impressed, however, so Piper apologizes for not “getting him a tree to run up and down on like a monkey.” He then cracks a coconut over Snuka’s head, throws him THROUGH the set of the show, and beats the shit out of him, all while talking trash. Classic segment, here.

- Vince McMahon and Alfred Hayes have Piper on as their gust on “T-N-T” (the WWF’s talk show at the time), and run him down for what he did to Snuka. Hayes pisses Piper off, however, and he slaps the shit out of Hayes (with a SOLID smack, too). Short, but good segment anyway. (Anytime Lord Alfred Hayes is getting a beating, I’m on board)

- Roddy Piper vs. Jimmy Snuka: Lou Thesz is the referee for this, because the WWF felt no other referee could contain the action. Yeah, so an old man is the best solution. (Joke if you will, 2002 me, but I’d bet old man Lou Thesz could still kick the crap out of 90% of the roster today, with ease) Brawl to start, obviously. Actually, not really “to start,” more like “brawl.” Period. Piper with a low blow to take control, and an atomic drop. Knee lift gets one, and Snuka comes back with punches. It spills outside, where Piper chairs him, and beats on him. He goes in to show off, drawing a MASSIVE amount of boos, and drawing Jimmy back in. Nice criss cross won by a Snuka chop, and we go out again. Piper eats tables, chairs, and ringposts, drawing INSANE heat. Inside, Snuka goes to work, so Piper throws Thesz in the way of a bodypress, and bumps him. Snuka with a backbreaker, and he heads up for a flying bodypress. Another, but Piper cowers by Thesz. He steals Lou’s belt, and uses it on Snuka, so Thesz chokes Piper out to stop it. Piper beats HIM up, too, so Snuka makes the save with the belt. Piper bails, of course, and Snuka wins by count-out at 6:53. The heat for this one was on insane levels, and I’m surprised the WWF never went for a BIG blow off on this feud. ¼*, but still a fun match.

- Piper gets a letter from Jimmy Snuka’s son. The son asks Piper to “please not beat him up anymore, because sometimes he cries at night.” Piper’s response? Spit on the letter. Great, short, segment, building up sympathy for Snuka, and showing the evil of Piper. (Kind of the same thing as the Hogan segment, but it was a good bit, so why not?)

- Piper’s Pit: Snuka’s cousin, The Tonga Kid, visits the pit. He speaks fine English, however, but Piper still runs him down. Piper’s shirt: legend killer. Nice touch. Anyway, they argue for a while, but nothing comes of it, as Piper just walks out, and Tonga asks for a match. The segment would have been fine if Piper fought him, but it ended really flatly, and was kind of pointless, overall.

- Roddy Piper vs. The Tonga Kid: Kid has Snuka with him, who has a (legit?) broken neck. Snuka’s shirt: “I Want Piper.” This one is from Philly, at the Spectrum. Tonga hammers away to start, and chops the Hot Rod down. Piper tries the old bail out tactic, but the Kid won’t allow it, instead headbutting away. Bail again, but Kid catches him again, and beats him back in. The crowd is just loving this. Roddy goes to the eyes to stop the assault, and hammers on the guy. Backbreaker gets two, and a side suplex follows. Piper chokes away like a fucker, and smacks the kid around. Tonga comes back with a suplex, and some ball shots to follow up. Piper makes the mistake of trying to ram Tonga’s head into the turnbuckles, but that doesn’t go very well, and the match spills to the outside. Man, looking around the crowd, a lot of OLD people used to watch wrestling, eh? Anyway, Snuka tries to protect the Kid, but gets beat up, and we have a slugfest between Snuka and Piper! Cue Bob Orton, who runs in and helps do a beatdown on the Islanders, as the ref calls for the bell at 5:20. The official call? A double DQ. Nothing match, as usual. DUD.

- Bob Orton & Roddy Piper vs. Jimmy Snuka & The Tonga Kid: From New York. Piper’s shirt tonight: Woman Maker. I love this guy. The faces don’t even wait for the bell, jumping the heels off the bat, and cleaning house. Crowd loves it, of course. Tonga works the arm of Piper, and a great looking bodypress gets two. He goes to the armbar, but Piper over powers him, and tags in the Ace. Orton goes to work, but gets powerslammed for two. You know, Tonga had what Bret Hart did: excellence of execution. Snuka gets the hot tag, and headbutts away. Orton makes his way over to Piper, who can easily make the tag, but Roddy won’t go along with the program. Bob isn’t stupid, however, and forces the tag on the Hot Rod. Slugfest won by Snuka, and he slams him. Piper tries to bail, but gets stopped, so he rakes the eyes. Classic Piper there. Tag to the Cowboy, who quickly slams the Superfly. Orton goes for a Vaderbomb off the TOP rope (neat spot, too), but hits the knees. Tag to Piper, but Snuka gets the hot tag to Tonga. Superkick on Roddy, but he gets caught in the wrong part of town, and abused by the heel faction. Tonga Morton gets his ass handed to him, as the heels do a good job of cutting the ring in half, and making frequent tags. They also spend a big bulk of time working the left arm. That better lead to something, or else this is gonna be really pointless. Long chinlock sequence wears the Kid down, but he hits a sunset flip on Orton for two. Hot tag to Snuka, who kills both bad guys. Orton takes the Flair flip for two, and in come Tonga and Piper. Big brawl now, and Orton tries the superplex on Snuka, but gets tossed off, and Jimmy hits a flying bodypress for two, when Piper saves. More brawling, until the Islanders go on roid rage, and kill the heels. Finally, the ref decides enough is enough, and calls for the bell at 14:49, issuing a double DQ. ¼*.

- Bottom Line: For the wrestling, stay THE HELL away from this tape. But, if you’re a Piper fan, or just want to see what everyone is talking about, I’d RUN out to get this one. The comedy here is top notch, as funny as any sitcom (Not such high praise these days, of course, as the 2000s left sitcoms for dead), and Piper’s drugged out ramblings are among the best you’ll ever see in the world of professional wrestling.

- Recommended. (I haven’t gotten around to doing a BUExperience on this one yet, but I remember this tape well, and it is amazing)