HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: The Best of the WWF, Volume XIX

- The HITMAN383 Rant for The Best of the WWF, Volume XIX. I’m game, so lets do it, huh? This is from 1989. (And this rant is from 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- We start with Owen Hart (as the Blue Blazer) telling us not to smoke, AN ADD FOR NO HOLDS BARRED, and one for Slim Jims. The Slim Jims one, with the Ultimate Warrior, is especially disturbing.

- Your Host is Sean Mooney, and the theme is he’s hosting this from Titan Towers (WWF Headquarters), but everyone doesn’t like him, and act like they don’t know who he is. Wow, so, I guess it ISN’T limited to just Mary Tyler Moore not knowing who the hell he is, or what he wants.

- Brutus Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect: From an MSG house show, sometime in 1989. Hennig looks really good here, very defined, and bigger than usual. Maybe it’s just the Speedo’s that give him that appearance? Shovefest to start, around a bunch of stalling, until Beefcake grabs a side headlock. Criss cross allows Beefcake a shoulderblock, so Hennig hits a drop toehold, and hooks his own headlock. Beefcake counters with a hammerlock, so Curt bails out. Good sequence, actually. If only the WHOLE match was populated with that sort of stuff. Instead, they go to more stalling, disguised as both men challenging eachother to a test of strength. (Hey, it’s a house show) They go, but it’s a stalemate, so Hennig kicks him, and goes to work. Chinlock city for Beefcake, but he breaks by doing a snake eyes type move to Curt. Well, I’ve never seen THAT counter before. (Really? I feel like I’ve seen that a whole bunch of times) They trade chops now, but because Curt hails from closer to Canada than Beefcake, AND was trained by a Canadian wrestling family, he easily wins. (Hennig didn’t train with the Harts, but for some reason I used to think that) Hey, I’m American (which is like persona-non-grata with wrestling reviewers, I know), but I can appreciate some good old-fashioned Canadian chopping when I see it. (Not recognize it though, unfortunately) Beefcake, of course, responds with punches, and such, all of which Perfect sells with zeal. Atomic drops sends Curt FLYING into the turnbuckle, and more punches nearly kill him. Backdrop, and a high knee set up the sleeper. Well, he’d definitely fit in in any 2002 main event. Just then, however, Ron Bass comes down the aisle to steel the clippers, so Beefcake goes out, and gets counted out at 8:37, to give Perfect the win. Okay-ish match, although I could have done without the screwy ending. ¾*.

- Sean Mooney visits the video tape library, but gets treated badly by the manager of the department. Pretty funny, actually. Unfortunately, I think the WWF needs to watch this TODAY, and actually remember that they HAVE these libraries at their disposals (and triple the amount, after the buyouts), and could produce videos like this TODAY. (Yeah, they got on that, eventually)

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Demolition vs. The Powers of Pain: From Milwaukee Wisconsin, on The Main Event in 1989, right before WrestleMania V. Big brawl between all four men to start, until we decide on Smash vs. Warlord, to start. Smash dominates, hammering away, and he brings Ax on in. Double clothesline sends commentator Tony Shavonie into a fit of excitement, and when Smash punches the guy, Tony nearly LOSES IT. Barbie gets in, and takes more of the same from the tag champs. Ax, however, makes the mistake of pissing off both Mr. Fuji AND both Powers, causing him to become Sir Richard Morton, the III. You know, they say Demolition was created as a rip-off of the Road Warriors, but watching this, I really think the Powers of Pain are MUCH more Road Warrior clones than the Demos. Anyway, Smash eventually gets the “hot” tag, and goes to work. Stun gun for Warlord gets two, but the heels hit a Doomsday device type more (see what I mean?) for two, so Ax gets Fuji’s cane, and kills everyone. Referee doesn’t give a shit, however, so Fuji throws some salt in the eyes, and we get a DQ at 8:16. Yeah, sure, going insane with a foreign object is okay, but some ceremonial salt in a DQ. Fuckin’ Nazis. Match was a total wash, of course, not aided at all by the bad ending. DUD.

- Sean tries to get into Jesse Ventura’s office, but fails when Jesse’s secretary doesn’t know who he is. By the looks of things, looks like we have another Clinton on our hands. (Jesse had a secretary? Like, even in kayfabe?)

- Jesse Ventura vs. Tony Garea: From the Garden, ‘85-ish. Jesse looks uncannily like Hulk Hogan during the pre-match disrobing. And during all the posing he does during the early doing stall-fest, actually. Jesse spends forever doing nothing but punches to the kidney area (with literally a minute between shots), so Garea gives him a taste of his own medicine. The only type of “medicine” I’d want during this match, however, is cyanide. Eye rakes come next, and Garea takes the Foley “ear-loss” bump, in pretty tight, convincing fashion. I wouldn’t mind seeing a revival of that spot, personally. More choking gets two, so Garea decks him. Abdominal stretch, but Jesse counters before he can hook it, so Tony sunset flips him for two. Bodypress gets two, but Jesse rams him into the post, and gets the pin at 8:52. Terribly boring match, actually. DUD.

- Next, Sean gets thrown out of the editing room He gets bitched at by the workers because, apparently, they don’t feed them.

- WWF Title Street Fight: Randy Savage vs. Bad News Brown: From late 1988, before the Mega Powers break up angle. Both guys are dressed in street clothes, and weapons are scattered all around ala WWF Warzone video game. (Oooh, that was a good game. I mean, not anymore, but at the time) Bad News uses a chair on the champ to take early control, and then beats him up on the floor. He misses a punch to the post, however, so Savage hits a flying axehandle. He uses his weight belt on him for a while, as I get violent Hollywood Hogan/Ultimate Warrior flashbacks. Randy gets the chair, and goes upstairs, but gets nailed on the way down. He had a hell of a time climbing, too, because the ropes are SO loose for this particular show. Bad News tosses him into the crowd to buy time to set up some weaponry, this time a table. Remember, this is 1988, and setting a table up in the corner was FAR from commonplace. News tries to whip Macho into it, but Savage reverses, and the referee gets bumped. Brown still hits the Ghetto blaster, but there is no one there to count the fall. Slam, but again the ref is dead. Bad News revives him, and tries another slam, but Savage hooks a backslide, and retains the title at 6:48. Afterwards Brown takes Savage, and a bunch of refs out, causing a locker room clearing brawl (minus Hulk Hogan, however, who was probably doing a different house show about 100 miles down the road). The match was a nice little change of pace from what the WWF was doing in 1988, but it doesn’t hold up as a street fight today. ¼*.

- Jim Duggan & Jake Roberts vs. Andre the Giant & Rick Rude: Oh, great, two of my least favorite feuds from the late 80s, Roberts vs. Rude, and Roberts vs. Andre all combined into one match, WITH DUGGAN IN TOW. Might as well call this my dream tape RIGHT NOW. Andre becomes my hero for all time in the opening moments of the match, by committing an act of attempted murder on Jim with some chokes. Rude gets in, but misses a 2nd rope elbow right away, and in comes Roberts! The crowd goes INSANE, as Jake goes to work on Rick, and gets Andre tied up in the ropes. Okay, so I guess just because the matches sucked, that didn’t make it an unsuccessful feud. They then do something I’VE never seen done before: Duggan and Jake use Rude as a spear into the tied up Andre. That only pisses the monster off, however, and he kills the Snake so they can play “facelock while you try for the tag” for a little while. Of course, with Andre in there, it’s a really hard game to play. The big man misses a move, however, and Duggan gets the hot tag. Well, so much for heel psychology, and false tags, and such. Then again, the faster this is over, the better. Rude tags in, and goes to work on Hacksaw, using Andre’s head (literally) as his weapon of choice. Double knockout, and Jake gets the hot tag. He beats up Rude, hitting the short arm clothesline, and even stopping to take out Andre. DDT for Rude draws in the Giant, which draws in Duggan, and we have a brawl! Rude tries the Awakening on the Snake, but the Hacksaw makes the save with a 2x4, and Jake pins Rick at 9:27. Nothing match that went on way too long. ¼*.

- Sean visits the sound department, and causes deafness to a poor sound technician.

- We get a look at Ted DiBiase’s trip around Greenwich Connecticut, as he buys his million-dollar belt. What I think was missing from this Million Dollar Man gimmick, personally, was the mobster finishing touches. I think it would have been SO much cooler had he been some sort of Mafioso. Anyway, at the end, DiBiase comes to the jewelry store (wearing a CAPE of all things), and nearly orgasms over his new belt. S&Mer? DiBiase’s over-the-top performance made this segment worthwhile.

- Bret Hart vs. Ted DiBiase: Oh, hello Mr. Workrate. Yes, you may come in. This is from Wrestling Challenge, from early 1989, in Texas. This is right around the all-too-short singles push for Bret Hart, which failed, and left him back in the tag divisions until they decided to (successfully) try it again in 1991. Ted demands to be announced as the “Million Dollar champion,” so Tony asks Alfred Hayes if he has any opinion on that. Alfred thinks about it for a bit, and then responds “Um … yes, I think I do have an opinion on it.” For those who have never had the pleasure of hearing Hayes commentate, let me just be crystal clear: he is the dumbest fuck EVER. (Time hasn’t mellowed me on Hayes. He sucks, hard) Bret dominates to start, and hits a bodypress for two. That gets DiBiase to bail out, confusing the “rookie” Hart. He chops the Hitman, but Bret proves he knows more than he lets on, and hooks an inside cradle for two. Ted bails again. Looking around this arena, it looks like the Sportatorium in Dallas, where Mick Foley and (I think) Steve Austin broke into the business. Bret with a big headbutt to tie Ted in the ropes, but he misses a bodypress, and hits the ropes hard. Cool bump. Bret takes the count on the outside, and back in, Ted taunts him while laying in some abuse. Suplex gets two, but makes the mistake of trying again, so Hart does his own! Slugfest on the knees (!!) won by Teddy, and he hits a gorgeous side suplex for two! Bret takes some hard cross corner bumps (he’s SO good at those … especially the sternum first one), and a backbreaker gets two. Bret with another cradle for two, so Ted gets angry, and overzealous, so Hart does it again for two! Damn, Bret’s moveset in this match is right out of the “Legends of Wrestling” game, or something. (Another good videogame series, though the best one (‘Showdown’) hadn’t been released yet when I wrote this) Ted kicks his ass for being uppity, and drops a fist to the face for two. Chinlock, but Bret refuses to quit, so Virgil distracts the ref, and allows Ted to sneak in some choking. Hey, if you’re gonna chinlock, do it right, I always say. Double knockout, as I wonder why Mooney didn’t tell us about “canned heat” while visiting the sound department, like the one used in this match. Ted goes upstairs, but Bret slams him off, and they do a slugfest. Bret wins, and hits a back elbow. Elbow drop gets two, and a backbreaker hits. 2nd rope elbow for two, but me misses a running knee into the corner. Ted goes to the spinning toe hold to work on the knee, but the Hitman kicks him out of the ring (literally) to spot the effort. Bret hits the slingshot bodypress out there, and they brawl to a double countout at 15:56. Afterwards, Bret cleans house. The WWF was good enough to give these two enough time to work a match, but the final product was less than incredible. ** ¾.

- Finally, Mooney pisses off the wrong guy, and gets locked in a broom closet to end the tape.

- Bottom Line: Good DiBiase/Hart match aside, this tape isn’t doing much for anyone, and it’s a definite pass.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.