HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: World Tour 1992

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF World Tour 1992. Yep, more Coliseum Home Video, so sit back, and LIKE IT. This is basically exactly what the title says, matches from around the world. (This was originally written in 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your Host is Alfred Hayes, since when you hear “International,” you think this idiot.

- The Mountie vs. Kerry Von Erich: From Royal Albert Hall (in London), a very weird building for professional wrestling, but still a very cool one. It looks like the Roman Coliseum in its design. Kerry is no longer being dubbed as the “Texas Tornado” at this point, assumingly because he was too high to remember that that was his ring name, and got confused. Stalling to start, with little bursts of “push, slap” type offense in between. Yawn. Criss cross allows Kerry to hit a big time move (punch) sending Jacques to the outside for more stalling. “Jailbird” chant ensues to taunt the guy (he lost a “Jailhouse match” at SummerSlam 1991, you see), and he threatens to walk out of the building. Jimmy Hart convinces him to come back and stall some more, however, as I add Hart to my “enemies list.” (He got off the list eventually, though his antics on Legends House have got him teetering dangerously close to making a comeback) You know, five minutes have went by, and the biggest spot executed was a punch. Mountie goes to the chinlock (what would HE need a rest from at this point?), but doesn’t even cheat to redeem it. Did they have jet lag, or something, because Jacques Rougeau vs. Kerry Von Erich should not be this lame. Kerry hooks his own chinlock, just to prove to the cynical London fans that he can keep up with the incredible pace of the Mountie, but it falls into the ropes. Von Erich misses a blind charge, however, and Mountie takes up the opportunity to kick and punch some more. The “action” spills to the outside, where Von Erich misses a punch to the post, an injury he sells like he’s been shot after stiffing a guy on a drug deal. Then again, maybe he did. Anyway, Mountie finally rolls him up (with two feet on the ropes) to get the pin at 13:11. Boring, boring match, without any redeeming value whatsoever. – *. (I haven’t gotten around to doing a BUExperience on this one, but fuck that sounds horrible)

- Hayes and Bobby Heenan go on a tour of Royal Albert Hall, and visit the Queens box. Why would the Queens box have the cheapest, most uncomfortable chairs? (Because they’re English, duh) Anyway, Bobby is less than impressed, as am I.

- We get a quick, two and a half-minute clip, of Davey Boy Smith eliminating Mountie and Typhoon to win a 20-man battle royal at Albert Hall.

- We go on a tour of London with Davey. We get to meet his parents, who are proud of his steroid built body, and of his career in general.

- Davey Boy Smith vs. IRS: From London again, but in a different arena, at “Rampage 1992.” Bulldog dominates the early going with his power, as IRS does his best to stall like crazy. So, what, is it like a rule that WWF matches in 1992 have to start with five-minutes of stalling? Criss cross allows Smith to go for a powerslam, but IRS sees it coming, and bails out again. OH MY G-D, I am FALLING ASLEAP here. IRS enzuguri’s him, and then drops a series of elbows on the outside. In, IRS hooks an abdominal stretch, while using the ropes. Yes, the ropes help somewhat, but you haven’t been working the part at all, so why go out of your way to bore me so much? He gets caught, however, and the referee distracts him long enough for the Brit to roll him up for two. IRS responds with a diving clothesline for two, and a chinlock. He does manage to use the ropes, luckily. IRS dumps him like you would a girl with crabs, but Davey sunset flips back in for two. Bobby comments he’s “never seen so many near pins in my life,” despite the fact that they’ve had like, three, pin attempts in eleven minutes. Davey with a suplex for two, but he gets rammed into the corner IRS snags his briefcase, as Jimmy Hart distracts the referee, but Davey hooks him up in the Running Powerslam to get the out-of-nowhere win at 12:48. Total yawner, again. -*. (Boring, but not quite negative stars)

- We visit Davey Boy’s school next, where he tells us of how his favorite school subject was “chemistry.” Yeah, I’d bet.

- Davey Boy Smith vs. Earthquake: Oh, and the hits just KEEP ON COMING! Davey has Andre the Giant with him, just to hammer home the point that he’s a face. For those that are new to the world of professional wrestling, usually, the big fat guy is your heel. Long stallfest to start, as ‘Quake bitches about the presence of Andre. I, of course, bitch about the presence of Earthquake. After over a full two minutes (!!) they make contact for the first time, doing some false tie-ups. Davey with a couple dropkicks to knock ‘Quake to the outside, so we can get some MORE stalling. Bearhug by the fat man quickens the pace (hey, technically it IS a level above standing around without making contact), but Davey tries a sunset flip, only to get sat on. More bearhugging. Powerslam leaves Davey for dead (since the combo of that and a bearhug is too much for him), but ‘Quake goes outside to beat up Andre instead of capitalizing. Why? The man wasn’t preventing him from winning, or anything. In fact, he can barely move. Anyway, Andre delivers a love tap with his cane to allow Smith to slam Earthquake for the win at 8:13, and put these fans in Spain out of their misery. Terrible match, as is the norm with this tape. – ½*.

- We get an “At Home with El Matador” segment, where Tito Santana (in full bullfighter getup) shows us his home in Mexico, and how he’s a proud bullfighter. This is pretty funny, if only because Tito lies through his teeth, but does it with such enthusiasm. We even get an OBVIOUSLY doctored scene of Tito FIGHTING A BULL, which only adds to the camp value of this segment.

- Roddy Piper vs. The Barbarian: From Spain again. Is it like a rule in these International matches that they HAVE TO suck? I mean, look at this tape so far (3 matches, 3 negative stars), and the atrocity that was World Tour 1991. They grapple around to start, as Sean Mooney explains to us that this is “nothing resembling wrestling.” Yeah, no shit. That should have been the subtitle on the freakin’ box of this tape, if you ask me. Test of strength eats up some more time, as they go through the motions of an actual “match,” as opposed to trying. Anyway, Piper backdrops Barbie over the top, to the outside, in the first impressive spot of the tape. Back in, Barbie punches away, and Piper sells like he’s been chopped by Ric Flair AND Rick Steamboat for the last twenty minutes, or something. Backbreaker gets two, and we go to the BEARHUG!! Piper with a cradle for two, so Barbarian tries a slam, but Piper cradles him AGAIN for two. That prompts Barbie to nail him with a clothesline, knocking him to the outside, but Piper sunset flips in for the pin at 8:53. Bad match, again. DUD.

- Battle Royal: This is from Munich, Germany, and is Joined in Progress with 10 guys left, probably down from 20. Tito Santana goes right away, of course, and Bret Hart flies out shortly after, via The Mountie. Hawk’s gone, as I realize that this one isn’t exactly setting the world on fire, either. Hopefully they’ll just be quick about it. Bulldog dumps Mustafa (The Iron Sheik, in his Iraqi lover phase), as I realize that this is essentially just a WrestleMania VIII tag match reunion. I mean, you’ve got Jim Duggan, Repo Man, Sgt. Slaughter, Jerry Sags, and the Mountie all in there. And the British Bulldog, just incase. Oddly, the German crowd chants “U.S.A” to support Jim Duggan here. Don’t see THAT everyday. He gets tossed, however. The heels triple team Slaughter and Smith for a long spell, but the power of roid rage takes over, and Repo hits the floor. So does Slaughter, as I can see that Sags has now become “Typhoon,” and this has become “Albert Hall.” Anyway, the shock stick gets involved, and Davey wins at 9:48. Okay, does Davey EVER lose overseas? (Book him against Shawn Michaels, and find out) And, when a GERMAN crowd is chanting “U.S.A,” maybe you might consider giving Duggan or Slaughter the win, eh? Let me put it like this, good thing they didn’t show the entire match. DUD.

- Bobby and Alfred continue their tour of the Hall. They admire a painting, as Heenan marvels “you can’t even see the numbers!!” in all his glory. I love Bobby Heenan, when he was in this prime.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Bret Hart vs. Rick Martel: FINALLY. Back in London again for this one, and BOY is Bret Hart over. SummerSlam 1992 is a bad example, but the Queen Mother herself would have gotten booed facing Davey Boy at Wembley Stadium, so, you know. It’s like the battle of pink vs. pink, or something. Martel avoids a backdrop by doing a cartwheel, earning “oohs” from the London crowd. See, now if they did that in Philadelphia, for example, it would just draw “faggot” chants from the crowd. A “Bret” chant breaks out, as he slaps Martel across the chops, but the Model hits him in the throat to take over. He goes to work on the champ, but gets caught in a lariat, and then kicked in the nuts. Martel misses a blind knee charge, injuring the part, and the Hitman lives up to his name, going to work on it. Martel gets uppity, however, so Bret does something I’VE never seen, and just starts slugging at the thigh area, while Martel is standing. Neat, “bad ass” psychology by the Excellence of Execution. To the floor, Bret eats post, and takes some abuse out there. Luckily, Martel doesn’t forget about the knee injury, and keeps selling it out there. Good for him. Bret takes his patented cross corner bump, but still manages to atomic drop him. Russian leg sweep gets two, and a snap suplex gets two. Backbreaker, and he hits the 2nd rope elbow for two. Bret complains about the count, allowing Martel to dump him to the outside, and he snaps him back inside. Suplex, but Hart cradles him for the pin at 12:30. Why not just finish with the Sharpshooter, and justify all that knee work you were doing out there? Anyway, there are better Rick Martel vs. Bret Hart matches out there, but this one was decent enough, too. *.

- WWF Title Match: Randy Savage vs. Shawn Michaels: You remember that Seinfeld where Elaine had a free sub coming, since she had bought a bunch of crappy subs to earn a free one? Well that’s how I feel here. I’ve eaten a lot of CRAP to get here, so this better pay off. This is right after WrestleMania VIII (pretty much ALL these matches on this tape are), so you’d think Macho’s pop would be deafening, but it’s actually pretty silent here in Munich. Savage, to his credit, is selling the knee injury from the WrestleMania match, even during the entrances! Shawn dives at the bad knee every couple seconds as they circle eachother, keeping the champion off guard, as Randy desperately tries to pull back. He gets cornered, and Michaels lunges, but Randy’s quick, and Shawn hits the turnbuckle. Savage works the arm, but gets shoulderblocked down for one. Shawn finally takes him down, and tries to hammer the leg, but Randy manages to bail out. He throws a chair inside in his anger, and on the way back in, Sherri hits the leg, allowing Shawn to kick him back to the floor. What a bitch! Shawn kicks his ass out there, but gets thrown into the post, which he does a glorious twist to sell. He gets served up some nice hot stairs for dinner, and inside Savage hits a flying axehandle. Take note how he struggles to climb to the top rope, from an injury that occurred WEEKS before this match. Now THAT’S dedication. The move gets two, and Shawn cradles him for two. Randy with a lariat for two, prompting Michaels to bail out. He walks, but Savage will have no part of it, and beats him back to the ring area. Sherri takes a bump via a heel miscommunication, allowing Savage to roll him up for two, but Michaels still hits a knee breaker. Shawn does a blind charge, but eats knee, which Savage correctly sells as hurting him more than it bothered Shawn. Shawn clips the knee, and distracts the ref long enough for Sherri to slam the knee into the post. Shawn goes to work on it himself, as Savage sells it all like he’s in a Nazi prison camp, or something. Then again, we ARE in Germany, here, so, you know. Figure four, and he manages to uses Sherri for leverage, like a GOOD heel. He even adds some icing to the cake, slapping Savage across the face while he does it. Wow, now that takes BALLS. Shawn breaks, and tries the hold again, but Savage cradles him for two. He can’t take control, however, so Michaels hooks the hold again anyway. My theory on figure fours: always apply it with yourself by the ropes, that way, you can cheat, and if it’s reversed, you can snag the ropes. Savage, indeed, reverses, and Michaels grabs the ropes to escape. Slam by the challenger, and he tries ANOTHER figure four, but gets kicked into the corner. Clothesline, and Macho struggles like crazy to climb to the top rope. Big elbow, and Macho gets the win at 14:26, to retain the WWF Title. Good match, as expected, but not as good as I had hoped. Maybe if Randy didn’t have to sell the knee as much, they could fly around some more. After, Shawn and Sherri deliver a beatdown, and Shawn celebrates with the WWF title. Not for about another four years, my friend. *** ¼. (This was from the same tour as the Rampage match I gave two-and-a-half-stars to, so this is either better, or I overrated it )

- Bottom Line: Unless you are a Coliseum Compilist, and want a copy of the only one-on-one Savage/Michaels match on tape (Not their only match on tape, as I just noted above), I wouldn’t bother with this one.

- Recommendation to Avoid.