WCW Starrcade 2000

From Washington, D.C.; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, and Scott Hudson.

Opening Triple Threat Ladder Match: 3-Count v The Jung Dragons v Jamie Knoble and Evan Karagias: Yep, again, as these guys can be counted on to have a good spotfest with each other all the time, but the bookers didn't have any confidence in them to do anything else. Kaz Hayashi starts with Shannon Moore, and they trade off on the mat for a bit. Shannon goes for the ladder, but Karagias hops off the apron to cut him off, and inside, we get Shane Helms and Yun Yang. They do a footrace to the ladder without even bothering to make contact, and 3-Count (shouldn't they have changed it to 2-Count a while back?) climb, but the Dragons cut them off. Yang dropkicks the ladder into Evan and Jamie's faces, and we've dispensed with tags and settled into the usual chaos now. Helms  gets whipped into the ladder, and Evan/Jamie flapjack Kaz onto it. Knoble has it won, but suddenly partner Karagias wants to do it himself, and the idiots stand around fighting until Yang springboard dropkicks them both. Good for him. Moore runs in with a bodypress, but Yang catches him in a gutbuster on the way down, and hits a corkscrew splash to follow. He goes for the ladder, but Helms breaks it up, and dumps him for a somersault plancha. Everyone does the usual dog pile spot on the floor, and Knoble climbs, but Yang tips the ladder to knock him to the outside as well. Left alone, Yang... sets up a contrived scaffold with two ladders, as opposed to climbing for the win. Normally that would piss me off more, but we all know the win is meaningless, and their entire purpose is to kill themselves with crazy spots for our amusement, so I say, have at it. Karagias climbs, but Kaz springboard dives at him - caught by Evan in a powerslam off the ladder. Cool spot there, even if it made zero sense from a psychological standpoint. Moore nails Evan with a springboard leg lariat, and Shane climbs, but is met on the scaffold by Jamie - Helms knocking him off with a brutal neckbreaker off the ladder. Slugfest on top of two ladders ends in Knoble and Helms taking a plunge, and Moore takes Yang down with an inverted bulldog. Jamie climbs, but now Leia Meow comes in to save, as the announcers openly call for some woman beating. Wow, stay classy, WCW. Third and fourth ladders are added to the mix, and the Dragons set up another scaffold, and everyone fights to climb it. 3-Count reign supreme in the bump fest up there, and both guys snag the contract (for a WCW Cruiserweight Title shot) at 13:51. Business as usual, though still entertaining. ** ½

Lance Storm v Ernest Miller: Shovefest to start, and the initial lockup goes to a stalemate. They trade wristlocks with Cat controlling, so Major Gunns trips him up. Cue catfight with Ms. Jones, but Storm robs us of the one thing we might actually enjoy out of this match, and stops it. He hits a clothesline on Miller, but a suplex is countered with an inside cradle for two. Lance with another clothesline, and this time he keeps black Cat on the mat with a chinlock. Cross corner charge misses, and Miller hits a cool flapjack/mulekick combo, so Elix Skipper nails him to stop the comeback. Storm whips him into the rail a bunch of times on the outside, so Jones comes over to protest, and we get the catfight with Gunns. Storm with a springboard dropkick on the way back in, but Cat fires back with lightning kicks for two. Storm with a Northern lights suplex for two, but a German suplex is blocked, so Jim Duggan hits Miller, and Lance cradles for the pin at 7:25. Too much overbooking for them to work around here. ¼*

WCW Hardcore Title Match: Crowbar v Terry Funk: Funk attacks him with a fire extinguisher backstage to get us off and running, and they brawl back there. Out to the arena, they trade chairshots, and Funk handcuffs Crowbar for some more chairshots. Crowbar puts him through a table with a plancha for two, but ends up getting piledriven onto a car door by Terry at 10:21. DUD

KroniK v Big Vito and Reno: KroniK attacks from behind, and we have a brawl. Vito manages to knock Bryan Clarke down long enough to hit a legdrop for two, and he tags Reno for a swinging neckbreaker. It doesn't last long, as Clarke double-underhook suplexes Vito, as Brian Adams stands on the floor and argues with Marie - who they claim hired them to take out Vito and Reno. Vito comes out to protest, but takes a legsweep against the tail, as Marie offers Adams double the money if they kill both guys. Wow, so we're just shooting right past pins/submissions and going right into capital crimes, then? Adams tries to get it done with a deadly wristlock on Vito, but he's insulted, and fights back, so Brian gives him a full-nelson slam for two. Clarke with a side suplex on Vito for two, as KroniK cut the ring in half. Vito dodges a bodypress to allow the tag to Reno, but Reno turns on him in short order, and pins his own partner at 8:19. That's too illogical even for WCW though, and it's ruled a no-contest. Yeah, The Godfather this wasn't. DUD

Ambulance Match: Mike Awesome v Bam Bam Bigelow: Bam Bam attacks and hits an avalanche quickly, but a cross corner whip is countered with a springboard backelbow, and Awesome clotheslines him out of the ring. Brawl on the floor, and they nearly take out some poor fan when a weapon gets away from them. Idiots. Brawl over to the entrance area (where the ambulance is), and then back to the ring, as I guess they skipped ahead to the finish too early. Well, can't blame them. Bigelow with a DDT, and back out to the floor for more dull brawling. Over to the ambulance again, and Bigelow puts his hand through a window to draw blood hardway (because they learned nothing from Goldberg, apparently), then they fight onto the roof of it, and Mike knocks Bigelow through the roof for the win at 8:35. Really boring, lazy brawl - Awesome not even bothering to bust out any highspots. DUD

WCW United States Title Match: General Rection v Shane Douglas: Looks like even Rection has given up with this stupid gimmick, as he switches back to the Hugh Morrus tights rather than camo. Good for him. Shane with a cheapshot right away, and he chokes the champ in the corner, but Rection no-sells some chops, and they spill to the outside. Nothing happens out there, but Shane crotches him with the middle rope on the way back in. Rection no-sells, so Shane straight up punches him in the nuts. No-sold as well (which kind of makes the Hugh G. Rection name all the sillier), and Rection hugs him like a bear. Douglas kisses his forehead to escape, but Rection really, really wants a cuddle, and slaps it back in. Rection with a bodyblock for two, and a bodyslam sets up the flying moonsault, but Shane crotches him - which works this time. Douglas with an inverted somersault necksnap, and a piledriver, then onto a swinging neckbreaker for two. Headvise, but Rection escapes, and press-slams his challenger. Back to the outside, Rection bashes his head into the post to draw blood, and inside, the champ slams him. Flying moonsault, but Douglas rolls out of the way, and grabs his trusty chain. Gosh, you'd think the referees would catch on, and actually search him for it from time to time. Rection sees it coming and blocks with a side suplex, but the referee sees the chain, and disqualifies Douglas at 9:46. Real piece of shit, with both guys phoning it in. ¼*

Six-Man Bunkhouse Street Fight: Jeff Jarrett and The Harris Brothers v The Filthy Animals: Everyone brawls to start, and exchange various weapon shots. Total mindless chaos, as everyone just punches, kicks, and swings weapons, until Rey Mysterio Jr puts Jarrett through a 'bar,' which is obviously hollow - and if it wasn't obvious, it becomes so then it shatters into a million pieces. More brawling, and Billy Kidman bodypresses Jarrett for two. The crowd is giving them nothing through all this (not unlike most of the rest of this show), but someone wisely calls an audible, and suddenly we shift into a standard six-man tag, with actual tags and formula. Looked awkward, but that was for the best. And, hey, now that the crowd can actually follow what's going on, they start reacting to shit, as the heels cut the ring in half on Kidman. Jarrett with a sleeper, but Kidman reverses, and bulldogs him. Tag to Konnan, and it's rolling clotheslines all around, as the match turns back into a brawl (though, at least now it's done at the proper point of the formula), and Rey goes through a table. Kidman tries to make a comeback, but gets a bottle broken over his head, and Jarrett hits the Stroke to finish at 12:32. This type of chaotic mess was neat when it was fresh and unique, but we've seen it so many damn times before (hell, several times before ON THIS SHOW) that it's lost all of its appeal. ½*

WCW World Tag Team Title Match: The Perfect Event v The Insiders: Chuck Palumbo starts with Kevin Nash, and Nash actually allows him a few moments of offense before taking over with a series of cross corner clotheslines. Usually, when there are multiple corner-charge spots involved, the guy at least misses one of them, so you know Nash is going out of his way to illustrate that Palumbo isn't in his league. Tag to Diamond Dallas Page with a flying clothesline for two, and Chuck bails. Tag to Shawn Stasiak, but Page cuts him off, and quickly crotches him on the post. Belly-to-belly suplex gets two, and a uranage is worth two. Diamond Cutter, but Palumbo superkicks him to save, and tags. The champs cut the ring in half on Page, but Palumbo takes a short-clothesline, and a slugfest leaves both guys crawling for tags. Page makes it, and Nash is a house of arson! Sidewalk slam and a big boot for Chuck, but Stasiak stops the Powerbomb, and hits Nash with one of the title belts. In come the Natural Born Thrillers, but Page holds them off, and Palumbo takes the Powerbomb at 12:05. Hey, remember last month? No? Well, here it is again! ¾*

No Holds Barred Match: Goldberg v Lex Luger: Speaking of stuff we just saw last month. Brawl on the floor right away, and inside, Goldberg controls with clotheslines. Suplex and a powerslam send Luger bailing for the floor, but Goldberg follows for another brawl in the aisle. Lex reverses a shot into the post out there, as I wonder whether or not they could have pulled a better buyrate by simply firing this entire roster, buying a copy of the latest WWF videogame, and promoting virtual matches with Vince's roster instead. Lex with a set of knux for two, and Buff Bagwell runs in to Blockbuster Goldberg 'by accident.' Torture Rack, but Goldberg holds the ropes to block, and spears him, then hits the Jackhammer for the pin at 7:20 - just like last month. Afterwards, Bagwell turns on Goldberg officially. Yeah, I'd have totally preferred watching a videogame than this. DUD

Main Event: WCW World Title Match: Scott Steiner v Sid Vicious: We're two hours and forty minutes into the show before the opening bell, so on the bright side, this shouldn't run over ten minutes. Sid with long tights looks weird, and makes him look shorter - which kinda defeats the whole purpose of booking Sid. I mean, you don't book Andre the Giant, and stick him in the background. Slugfest goes Sid's way with a ten-punch in the corner, and Scott's attempt at an inverted atomic drop is no-sold. Sid with a sidewalk slam, and Scott bails to regroup with Midajah on the outside. Back in, Steiner calls for a test-of-strength, and though he's shorter, the sheer amount of 'roids overwhelms Vicious, and he crumples to the mat in mere seconds. What a challenger! Sid with an overhead suplex to escape, and a legdrop gets two. Big boot, but a clothesline knocks Steiner out of the ring. Sid follows, but Midajah is there with a pipe before he can catch up to the champ, and Scott hits him with a chair for good measure. Inside, Steiner controls with his usual stuff, and a belly-to-belly sets up the Recliner, but Vicious makes the ropes to escape. Scott with a vertical suplex to set up another Recliner closer to center ring, but Vicious starts powering up, so Midajah comes off the top rope - only to hit Steiner with the full weight of her titties by mistake. Well, we're done, good night. Somehow Scott gets up, but he's still suffering the effects of the monster titties, and Sid chokeslams him for two. Cobra clutch slam takes out the referee, and no one counts. Steiner whacks him with the pipe as a result, and a few more shots are worth a two count from the second referee. Out runs Jeff Jarrett to help Steiner finish, but a guitar shot backfires, and Sid gets two. Scott blocks the Powerbomb by blowing him low, and a head-and-arm suplex sets up another Recliner - Vicious passing out at 10:13. So, a dozen shots with a lead pipe don’t knock him out, but twenty seconds in a reverse chinlock kill him? Again, what a challenger! Really underwhelming for a main event on what is supposed to be the biggest show of the year. But, it did have literal TITTY OFFENSE, so it wasn’t all bad, I suppose. ½* (or, a quarter-star for each titty)

BUExperience: Not a good show by any means, the only reason anyone would ever bother checking this out would be for the historical significance of seeing the very last Starrcade. And even then, don’t.

DUD