WWF Tuesday Night Titans (May 29, 1984)

Original Airdate: May 29, 1984

Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred Hayes. For those of you unfamiliar with TNT, it’s basically the WWFs take on The Tonight Show, with Vince as Johnny Carson, and Hayes as Ed McMahon. Should’ve probably been the other way around though, no?

Paul Orndorff v B. Brian Blair: This is from March 1984 in St. Louis, and is joined in progress with Blair controlling Orndorff in a hammerlock on the mat. Oddly, Orndorff's tights are actually monogrammed 'O.P.' instead of 'P.O.' Weird. Interesting to watch them trade hammerlocks, and note the differences in application and the way they actually wrestle through the hold in a realistic manner - compared to the overly choreographed way todays guys would work that sequence. Anyway, Orndorff fights to his feet to dumps Blair to take over, then follows him out for a shot into the rail. Paul adds a slam across the rail for good measure, but Blair surprises him with a slingshot sunset flip on the way back in for two. Paul responds by tossing him out of the ring again, and the wide shot reveals that the ring is quite tiny compared to modern rings. Very WCW-esque. Paul turns his back and gets clobbered while posing, and Blair bodyslams him to setup a kneedrop. Rollup gets two, so Paul hooks the tights to reverse, and that's that at 6:00 shown of 12:53. This would be considered really slow even by the time I was just getting into things (1994), but it's a pleasure to watch if only to see the differences in style and execution compared to todays glorified acrobats.

Alfred thinks 'the whole world' revolves around Paul Orndorff (or, as he calls him, 'Mr. Wonderful'), then wonders what he might have in his pockets. Vince thinks the decision was controversial, but Hayes thinks Blair will just have to grin and bear it. Thankfully, the segment ends there, because this was getting awkward

Gene Okerlund interviews David Schultz, who compares being on the cover of a WWF event program to the cover of Rolling Stone because he knows how to roll, and he's stoned. Or something. Hayes thinks he's a bully. Well, he was, literally, talking about stealing peoples' lunch money during the interview, so yeah, I'd say that's spot on

David Schultz v Billy Travis: This is also joined in progress, with Schultz taking a cheapshot to take control, then dumping the jobber out of the ring. Vertical suplex brings him back in, and DAMN is that a small crowd. People always talk about the tiny crowds during the 1994/1995 era RAWs, but really, things weren't that much better during the Hulkamania glory days either. I mean, yeah, they were better in other ways, but taping TV in front of small crowds was really nothing new. Schultz continues to slaughter the poor jobber, and a 2^nd rope elbowdrop finishes at 3:30 shown. I never liked Schultz as a person or as a wrestler, and this did nothing to help change my opinion

Apparently it's David Schultz night, because we get MORE with the good doctor, as now the WWF camera crew goes to visit him in his home for another interview. And, HOLY SHIT, does this give new meaning to the phrase 'white trash,' as we even get to meet his family! The vacant, terrified look in his wifes eyes as he threatens his kids is either hilarious (if they're actors), or downright horrifying (if they're not). Schultz's bike shorts are horrifying regardless, however

Vince's first guest is Tito Santana - dressed like an extra from American Hustle. Santana was the first choice of Chris Beavers, winner of a contest to have lunch with your favorite wrestler. Based on the name, and the fact that it's, you know, Tito fucking Santana, I'm going to assume that was kayfabe. I call bullshit. But, hey, they have still photographs of the dinner! Holy shit, this is painfully cheesy. It looks like bad prom photos

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Tito Santana v Adrian Adonis: This is from April 1984 in St. Louis, and is also joined in progress. Looks pretty far into things, too, as both guys are drenched in sweat as Adonis delivers an inverted atomic drop, and boots Tito out of the ring. That seems like stupid strategy, considering you can't win the title that way, though. Back in, Adrian snaps his throat across the bottom rope with a slingshot, but Tito blocks a bulldog, and cross corner whips his challenger. Santana with a series of turnbuckle smashes, so Adrian rakes the eyes - only to have Tito knock him off the top rope as he tries to follow-up, as the time limit expires at 4:50 shown of 30:00. So, yeah, too heavily clipped to try rating it, but what was left wasn't particularly good

Hayes reads fan mail, which he immediately tries to turn into his own version of Penthouse, with a naughty letter about the Queen. Vince puts that fire out quickly, and the fan letter is actually pretty hilarious, as someone asks a question about face paint they see wrestlers wearing on 'that other wrestling channel' (which they compare to 'the KISS'), and wonder if it's legal

Arnold Skaaland v Joe Turco: This is 'from the archives,' and looks to be from the 1960s. Apparently Turco is a 'nasty Italian wrestler.' He works a headlock for what feels like forever, but Skaaland slugs free. Collar-and-elbow tie-up sees Turco snapmare him, and he adds a second. Neckbreaker, but Skaaland counters into a backslide for the pin at 3:03 shown. Way too old school for me, but still interesting for a lover of wrestling history like myself.

Our second guests are none other than the Wild Samoans, who Vince and Alfred welcome by holding their noses. That's just rude. Besides, looking at him, there's NO WAY Alfred Hayes doesn't stink. No way. No chance. No chance in hell. Anyway, the Samoans (dressed like they're auditioning to play Gabe Kaplans understudies) want to give Vince and Alfred cooking lessons, and you can imagine where that goes. They were ahead of their time... these guys could have made a killing in Reality TV. Hayes wonders if the food would give a 'large pussycat rabies,' but Vince clarifies that he has the eye of the tiger, so he can eat it fine

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Wild Samoans v The Soul Patrol: From November 1983. Joined in progress with the Samoans cutting the ring in half on Rocky Johnson, with the usual blitz of nerveholds and punch-kick stuff. Rocky manages to escape a backdrop, but keeps getting cutoff from making the tag, so he slides between Afa's legs to escape a nervehold, and gets to Tony Atlas. He's a house of fire, so Samoan manager Lou Albano comes in with a chair - only for it to backfire, and Soul Patrol to win the titles at 5:35 shown of 8:22. Big pop for that. Really boring match though, unfortunately

Back in the studio, Vince rubs the loss into the Samoans' face, and stirs up trouble by noting that they'd probably still be the champions if not for Lou Albano. What an instigator! Albano himself joins the Samoans, and Vince seems to think he's Mike Wallace with his needling questions about Albano taking responsibility for the loss. Albano responds by making fun of Hayes. Works for me! This segment is badly dragging, however, and padding it out with a montage of Albano's various dastardly deeds doesn't help things any. Like, seriously, it's going on twenty minutes now. And, hey, apparently that's not enough, so let's stop to talk about Captain Lou's appearance in Cyndi Laupers music video! Dear God, people love this show? Really? Finally, Vince grills him about how much money he makes (shouldn't he already know?), and Albano yells at a fan to put this segment out of its misery - and us with it

Handicap Match: Andre the Giant v Three Jobbers: Sorry, we're joined in progress, and no names are announced. One of them has 'JR' on his tights, but, despite some initial reports, it's not actually Jim Ross. Anyway, Andre beats the piss out of all three at will, until the referee stops things at 1:00 shown.

Hulk Hogan v Masked Superstar: Joined in progress as Hogan unloads on him, but he hurts his hand on the loaded mask. Superstar goes to work, but Hogan ignores it, and HULKS UP!! Headbutt!... and we cut away at 1:05 shown. Seriously? I get that they're not doing full matches, but these out of context bits of offense are just ridiculous!

Same treatment for a Jimmy Snuka/Greg Valentine clip (0:58 shown), and an Iron Sheik Handicap squash clip (0:41 shown)

BUExperience: Because it was on way before my time, I’ve only ever seen clips of TNT, and this was my first proper exposure to a full episode of the show. And, honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s just because it’s the first episode and they haven’t found their grove yet, or maybe it’s just too far before my time, but I definitely wouldn’t have watched this on a regular basis as a kid, and I doubt I’ll review any more