WWE Armageddon (December 2002)

From Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Your Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Tazz

Opening World Tag Team Title Four-Corners Elimination Match: Chris Jericho and Christian v The Dudley Boyz v Booker T and Goldust v Lance Storm and William Regal: Bubba's still rocking the ugly shorts here, and Storm has also switched to short tights. Were the arenas too hot in late 2002, or something. Anyway, those two fashion mavens start (to be clear, Maven was not involved though), and Bubba controls. Over to Christian, but he runs right into a tandem flapjack from the Boyz, as everyone trades off through a series of quick tags. Big brawl breaks out, and Storm hits Bubba with a flying legdrop to allow Regal the pin at 5:18. Huh. Kinda thought the Dudley's were a shoo-in to win this, given that they'd just done the big reunion at Survivor Series. The celebration doesn't last, however, as Goldust immediately powerslams Regal to send his team home as well at 5:33. So now we're down to a straight tag match (well, as 'straight' as anything involving Goldust can be, anyway), and the challengers work to cut the ring in half on Jericho. Poor Chris, wasn't he just headlining at the last pay per view? Booker too, for that matter, but he was such a non-factor in that match I pretty much forgot he was even in it. Goldust misses a bodypress to turn the tide, and the champs cut the ring in half on him, but Goldust manages a scrapbuster on Christian for the tag. Booker is a house of arson to ignite a four-way brawl, and the champs look to put Booker away with a title belt shot and a lionsault, but it only gets two! Chris tries again, but this time gets countered into the BookEnd to crown new champions at 16:45. Interestingly, the tag scene in late 2014 is pretty much exactly like this, with a bunch of teams the fans don't particularly care about, doing these fast paced (if ultimately meaningless) openers. Also, 'cause Goldust is still there, somehow. *

Edge v A-Train: Wouldn't be pay per view without A-Train, baby! Edge tries wrestling him, but gets overpowered at every turn. He manages to block a running powerslam by shoving A-Train into the corner, then adds a dropkick from behind, and takes A-Train to the floor for some abuse to the arm with the ringpost. Back in, Edge dropkicks the knee for two, then goes after the arm he hurt on the floor with an armbar, but gets punched in the face. A-Train with a powerslam for two, and a slingshot across the middle rope gets two. Chinlock, but Edge escapes, and starts sticking and moving to daze the big guy. Diving forearm and a spinheel kick take A-Train down, and a half-nelson bulldog is worth two. Edge-o-Matic gets two, as Cole and Tazz keep calling A-Train 'Albert,' and have to repeatedly correct themselves. Eh, it's not like we don't know anyway. He didn't even get a new outfit! Edge tries a missile dropkick, but A-Train blocks with a big boot for two. He heads to the floor to grab a chair, but Edge baseball slides it out of his hands, and hits a flying bodypress on the way back in for two. Impaler, but A-Train counters into a sitout spinebuster for two. He goes for the chair again, so Edge spears it away from him for two, but A-Train just grabs it again anyway, and one (super weak) chairshot later earns a disqualification at 7:13. Decent enough thanks to Edge's energy and selling, but a horrible ending for pay per view, and a lot of sloppiness from A-Train. ¾*

Eddie Guerrero v Chris Benoit: Both guys scrap around as they size each other up, and Eddie manages to get him in a mat-based side-headlock, but loses a criss cross when Benoit backdrops him. Snapmare sets up a chinlock, and Eddie can't make the ropes, so he mulekicks Chris off him, and grabs a short-armscissors. Chris tries to make the ropes, but Eddie rolls it through to put them back at center ring - forcing Benoit to have to power up to his feet, and drop Eddie off. That gets two, so he starts unloading chops, but Guerrero responds in kind, then snapmares him into a mat-based headscissors. The execution of everything here is just unbelievably crisp. Chris escapes, but Eddie grabs the ropes to avoid a submission, so Benoit flapjacks him instead - only to get backdropped out as he charges with a follow-up. Eddie follows him out with a flying bodypress, then rolls him in for a leglock. Nice bit, as Benoit tries literally kicking him off, but Eddie ducks it, and Chris' own momentum carries him into an anklelock. He gets the ropes, so Eddie drags him back, and grabs a toehold - which leads to another great bit on the mat, as Benoit tries getting to the ropes, but extending his body leaves him open for Eddie to dive onto in a pin attempt for two. Eddie keeps kicking at the leg, so Benoit goes for the Crippler Crossface, but Eddie blocks - only for Benoit to use his own momentum against him to grab a five-alarm rolling German suplex. That adequately sets up a flying headbutt, but Eddie starts to stir, so Chris wisely hops down (making sure to sell the knee as he does) instead of taking a chance on the high risk maneuver. He grabs Eddie for two more rolling German suplex alarms, then tries a powerbomb to setup the headbutt, but Guerrero counters into his own three-alarm rolling German, then punctuates it with a vertical suplex to setup the Frogsplash, but only for two. Eddie charges him with a spear in frustration to knock them both out of the ring, and as Eddie rolls back in, Chavo Guerrero runs out and lays Benoit out with one of the tag title belts. Eddie carries his limp carcass in and hooks the leg, but it still only gets two. Eddie tries another suplex, so Chris counters, but the knee slows him down, and Eddie is able to drop-toehold him into the Lasso From El Paso, but Chris quickly makes the ropes. Eddie is at his wits end, and viciously kicks at the leg, but Chris chops him off, and delivers the powerbomb he wanted earlier. That should be enough to setup the flying headbutt, but Chavo interferes again, and while Benoit is able to get rid of him, the distraction allows Eddie to recover. He rushes up to superplex Benoit, but Chris shoves him off, and finally executes the flying headbutt - only for Guerrero to block the pin attempt with the Lasso! Awesome! Chris counters into the Crossface, and cuts Eddie off from the ropes by switching it onto the other arm for the submission at 16:48. Absolutely awesome! Everything from the selling, to the CRISP execution, to the realism - this felt like a WRESTLING match from bell-to-bell. The bits with using the opponents momentum against them to setup submission holds was particularly inspired. **** ¼

Kane v Batista: This is Batista's pay per view debut. He controls a power-showdown to start, but a hiptoss is countered into a neckbreaker, and Kane clotheslines him out of the ring. Back in, Kane bodyslams him to setup an elbowdrop for two, but a charge gets him stungunned, and Batista spears him for two. Batista with a vertical suplex for two, and he tosses Kane over the top for Ric Flair to abuse, but Kane shrugs him off. Back in, Kane cross corner clotheslines him, and hits a big boot. Sidewalk slam sets up a flying clothesline, but Batista gets out of the way. He tries a powerbomb, but botches it badly when he can't properly lift Kane (drawing a hilarious look from Flair on the floor), and Kane is forced to improvise with a low blow to setup another flying clothesline. Chokeslam, but Batista counters into a spinebuster so ugly that Kane not only kicks out of it, but then chokeslams him. Flair runs in to desperately try and save this mess, and the distraction allows Batista to sitout powerbomb Kane for the pin at 6:39. This was pretty awful, as Batista was green as hell, and screwing stuff up left and right. DUD

WWE Women's Title Triple Threat Match: Victoria v Trish Stratus v Jacqueline: Jacqueline slugs Victoria down right away, and clotheslines her, so Trish sneaks up with a Stratusfaction on Jacqueline, but gets side suplexed by both girls to block. Victoria superplexes Trish, but Jacqueline steals the pin attempt for two, and Trish schoolgirls Jacqueline as she fights Victoria about it for two. This play-by-play is starting to read like a daytime soap opera. Jacqueline nearly kills poor Victoria with a stiff kick, and Trish adds a Chick Kick, then neckbreakers Jacqueline. Chick Kick for Jacqueline gets two, and the botches start flying at rapid speed from there, until Victoria manages to wallop Trish with the title belt, and somehow pin Jacqueline off of it at 4:25. This was, in a word, 'reallyfuckingshitty.' Energetic, with lots of effort, but extremely sloppy. DUD

WWE Title Match: Big Show v Kurt Angle: Kurt shoots at the leg to try and take Show down, but doesn't get very far. He tries a waistlock, but Show counters into an armbar on the mat, but that's just what Angle wants, because now that he has Show on the mat, he can do his thing. Kurt quickly headscissors him, then slaps on a side-headlock, but Show powers to a vertical base, so Kurt tries a standing front-facelock instead - only for Show to power out of that as well, and toss Kurt out of the ring. Show wants to go after him, but Angle is too quick, and slides back in to toss Show over the top before he knows what's going on. Kurt dives after him with a flying bodypress, but Show catches him, and casually drops him across the rail. Kurt tries to use his speed advantage to catch Show on the way back in, but gets launched over the top with a choke-toss. Show brings him back in for a bootchoke in the corner, and a vertical suplex gets two. Sidewalk slam gets two, so Kurt tries a jawbreaker, but a bodypress gets caught again, and Show turns it into the Final Cut for two. Show hugs him like a bear, so Angle bites his way out, and grabs a sleeper. Show snapmares free, but is still dazed, so Angle manages to tornado DDT him. Tazz: 'but can he capitalize?' Cole: 'I don't know, because I don't know the future!' Well, luckily for them, I do, and it's Kurt dropkicking the knee to keep Show down, then missile dropkicking him for two. Flying moonsault press gets two, but Show cuts him off with a short-clothesline as the challenger works to follow-up. Powerbomb, but Kurt counters into the Olympic Slam for two. Anklelock, but Show counters into the Chokeslam - countered back by Angle with a victory cradle into the Anklelock! Cool spot, given the size difference. Show manages to kick him off, so Angle whacks him with a chair, but it still only gets two, so he goes back to the Anklelock. Show taps, but the referee is down, so A-Train runs in and breaks it up. Chokeslam looks to finish, but now Brock Lesnar runs in, and he F5's Show for Kurt to pin at 12:37. Not great by any means, but Angle's herculean effort to carry him is pretty extraordinary. Plus, watching Angle have to play David to Show's Goliath is interesting in its own right, after watching him play the aggressor in matches against guys like Rey Mysterio. * ½

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Three Stages of Hell Match: Shawn Michaels v Triple H: First stage is a Street Fight, second stage is a Cage Match, and if it goes to a third stage, they do a Ladder Match. Shawn has thankfully switched back to the classic HBK tights for this, rather than the denim at SummerSlam, and whatever the hell that brown shit was at Survivor Series. The referee throws Ric Flair out before the bell even sounds, which allows Shawn to attack with closed fists, and he clotheslines Hunter out over the top. Michaels follows with a baseball slide, but Hunter sidesteps a plancha, and clotheslines the champ on the floor. Hunter tosses him around into the rail out there, but Shawn manages to kick a trashcan away from him, then flying bodypress his challenger. Shawn tries a vertical suplex through a table, but Hunter blocks, so Shawn takes him in for a 2^nd rope trashcan shot - which HHH blocks with a boot to the face. Shawn still manages a flying bodypress, but Hunter rolls through for two, and clobbers him with a clothesline. He tries suplexing Michaels out of the ring through a table, but Shawn reverses to suplex him in off the apron for two - only to run into a high knee. Hunter abuses the back in the corner, but the drama is significantly less heightened when this isn't Shawn's first match in years, and he's already world champion. Sidewalk slam onto the chair gets reversed, and Shawn cross corner whips him a couple of time to knock his challenger out of the ring again. Michaels follows and keeps after the back with some rams against the side of the ring, then back in it's Superkick time, but Hunter catches the leg, and snaps it. He goes after the knee, and wraps it around the post a few times, then clips it to setup a figure four, but Shawn reverses. HHH whacks him with a trashcan lid for two, and they spill out to the floor for a brawl up the aisle to the entrance set. Hunter dominates the brawl over there, but takes too long lighting a barbed wire covered 2x4 on fire, and Shawn ends up busting him open with it. That was actually the first properly dramatic moment of the whole match thus far. They brawl back into the ring, and Shawn lamely whacks him with a trashcan lid, as he starts selling the back despite HHH working the knee for five minutes. Drop-toehold onto an unfolded chair gets reversed, however, and HHH DDTs him. Pedigree, so Shawn blows him low and hits a diving forearm - only for Hunter to clip the knee, and Pedigree him anyway for the first fall at 20:35. Okay, so now it's a Cage Match. HHH keeps things going by whacking him with a trashcan, and sending him into the cage with a slingshot to bust the champion open. The replay accidentally exposes the bladejob, however. Hunter grates his face on the mesh, but a toss into the cage gets reversed, and Shawn adds another one for good measure, then Thesz presses him to setup some mounted punches. They fight up to the top of the cage for a slugfest, as the crowd actively naps. This is not nearly exciting enough to warrant such a long match. Shawn manages to knock him back in, and follows with a flying elbowdrop (from the top rope, not from the top of the cage) to setup a Superkick. But, here comes a chair wielding Ric Flair, and as Shawn fights him off, HHH nearly escapes out the door. Flair does a bladejob of his own while he's already out there (I don't think Ric can physically enter a steel cage without spontaneously bleeding), and Hunter goes for another Pedigree, but Shawn backdrops him, and hits the Superkick. One for Flair too, and Shawn sets up a table, then puts HHH through it with a flying splash from the top of the cage for the pin at 31:05. Okay, so now a Ladder Match for the deciding fall. Shawn brings the ladder in right away to whip Hunter into, then rams him with it, and tips it over onto him. Vertical suplex beside the ladder (which was supposed to be on the ladder) sets up a splash off the top of it (ala WrestleMania X), but Shawn gets zero elevation, and basically just falls off of it in a splash-like motion. It misses anyway, and Hunter Pedigrees him. He climbs, but Shawn pulls him down, and makes a climb of his own, but Hunter tips the ladder over, and Michaels falls through a pile of tables at ringside - in a great bump. Sign in the crowd 'Petsmart Sucks.' You showed them, random, faceless fan! I can hear the stock price plummeting as we speak! Thank God Facebook came along to give people an outlet. Hunter climbs again, and we have a new champion at 38:33. Forty minutes? Really? REALLY?!?! Was somebody sitting in the booking meeting going, 'well, it'll be half as good as Benoit/Guerrero, but twice as long!' or something? JR calls it a ‘great performance by both men!’ Was he watching the SummerSlam match on his monitor? They were doing everything they could to try and top their SummerSlam performance here, but unlike that one, this severely lacked drama, and suffered from being extremely long. *

BUExperience: Yeah, Benoit/Guerrero is awesome, but the main event is one of the most dull, overindulgent messes ever, and would’ve killed this show no matter what was happening on the undercard.

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