WWE Royal Rumble (January 2003)

From Boston, Massachusetts; Your Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Tazz

Opening Royal Rumble Qualifying Match: Brock Lesnar v Big Show: Show dominates the lockup battle, but gets railroaded into the corner, and Brock release belly-to-belly suplexes him. Another one, but a third try is blocked when Show casually tosses him over the top like the proverbial bag of garbage. Show follows out to abuse him with kneelifts, then back in, smacks Lesnar around in the corner. Corner charge misses to allow Brock a release German suplex for two, so Paul Heyman gets involved to cutoff the comeback, and Show capitalizes with a big boot. Sidewalk slam sets up the Chokeslam, but Brock counters it into a cradle for two, then belly-to-bellies him again. Well, at least we know who to blame for the Steiner mess later, at least. Heyman tries getting involved again, but this time Brock decides to give his former manager an F5 - only for Show to save with a Chokeslam for two. Show is shocked, and goes for another one to finish, but Brock counters into the F5 for the pin at 6:29. This could have been a real mess, but they wisely kept it on the short side, and let Brock toss him around enough to keep it engaging. ½*

World Tag Team Title Match: William Regal and Lance Storm v The Dudley Boyz: Why were they still using the old belts for the graphic? That's certainly something that you'd never see today. Storm starts with Bubba Dudley, and they trade armbars. Bubba controls with a shoulderblock and a hiptoss, then adds a modified spinebuster before tagging out to D-Von Dudley. D-Von briefly controls before falling into a heat segment, and the champs cut the ring in half. D-Von manages to snapmare Storm to escape a sleeper and tag, and Bubba is a house of arson - including his very best Dusty Rhodes impression. What is this, WrestleMania? Four-way brawl brings Sean Morley out (looking like he missed his cue by about a minute), and the distraction allows Regal to slip on a set of knux, but the Boyz ignore it, and Death Drop him, then whack Storm with the knux for the belts at 7:23. The usual paint-by-numbers tag stuff RAW was all about during this period. ¼*

Torrie Wilson v Dawn Marie: Dawn attacks her before the bell, and stomps her, but gets speared, and hairtossed. Slingshot hits, but Dawn counters a waistlock into a fujiwara armbar, and works the part. Flapjack, but a corner charge misses, and Wilson hooks a backslide for two. Torrie with a pair of armdrags, so Dawn blocks a corner whip with a 2^nd rope clothesline, but walks into a swinging neckbreaker moments later for the pin at 3:37. Total business exposing garbage in every way, but Torrie Wilson was so insanely hot at this point that it's still watchable, somehow. – ½*

World Heavyweight Title Match: Triple H v Scott Steiner: It just. got. interesting. Long slugfest to start, controlled by Steiner. HHH tries a backdrop, but gets press-slammed, and bails. Scott follows him out to the floor for a clothesline, and he rams Hunter's back into the post and rail a few times. Steiner with a vertical suplex back in for two, and he hammers the back with forearms, then cross corner whips the champion. Boston crab, but HHH quickly makes the ropes, and Scott flips out because he was likely hoping for a nice five minute breather there. Hunter catches him with a kneeling facebuster, but Scott no-sells, and hugs him like a bear. That looked like it was supposed to be an overhead suplex, but Steiner was out of breath, and needed to regroup first. And, indeed, Triple H quickly escapes, and walks right into an overhead suplex for two. Scott keeps after the back with a Recliner, but Ric Flair pulls Hunter into the ropes to stop it, so Scott tries a cross corner charge, but hits boot, and they spill out to the floor. HHH whips him into the steps out there, then hits a swinging neckbreaker on the way back in for two. Another neckbreaker gets two, and Flair even lends a hand with some cheating, but Steiner is so obviously gassed at this point that it comes off more like bullying. Pedigree, but Scott counters into a slingshot - barely able to execute it, as he looks to be about five seconds away from passing out. And in fact, he nearly does, as he executes another overhead suplex, and then promptly falls on his ass due to exhaustion. This is getting almost uncomfortable to watch. Hunter stays down to allow Scott to pick himself back up, and Steiner goes for a tombstone - which is ballsy, given that he looks like lifting a remote control might be too much for him at this point. Hunter counters into another neckbreaker anyway, for two. This is turning into a total train wreck, and the crowd is not shy about letting them know. Hunter with a vertical suplex, but a 2^nd rope axehandle is blocked with another overhead suplex. Scott looks to be in worse shape than Hulk Hogan TODAY as he scrambles to get to his feet for the next sequence, which luckily for him is just a pair of simple clotheslines. Backdrop sets up yet another overhead suplex, and then another for good measure - as I debate clapboarding 'overhead suplex' to save time on typing. Another one, and then he finally does something (slightly) different with a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Double-underhook powerbomb, but Scott is so messed up at this point, that he just sort of awkwardly drops HHH, then collapses next to him. It still gets two. Superplex gets two, and watching Scott threaten the referee over the count is pretty funny, given that he looks like he wouldn't be dangerous to anything other than an oxygen tank at this point. Hunter decides to bail with the title belt, but Scott attacks him in the aisle, and hits him with the belt to draw blood. Why bother? There's no saving this. Back in, another overhead suplex hits, so Hunter bails again - this time bailing into the crowd. Yeah, because making Steiner chase something is exactly what this match needs right now. Back in, Scott has the balls to do his pushup taunt, then completely negates it by having to literally hold the top rope for stability while punching HHH in the corner. Hunter keeps selling 'fear' by tossing the referee out to try and save the belt by DQ, which makes Steiner look somehow weaker. But who could blame him for trying, because Steiner looks positively terrifying at this point. Not in the way intended, but still. Scott responds with another belly-to-belly suplex for two, and he's so gassed that he can't even squat down to properly add some mounted punches - instead lamely bending over. Hunter blows him low and schoolboys his challenger for two, and Scott has now reached a new level of awesome for this match, as his pink thong starts dramatically whale-tailing out of his tights for all to see. Thankfully, he doesn't have to go anymore though, as HHH hits him with a sledgehammer for the DQ at 18:13. This is, of course, an infamous match, and with good reason. I don't know what they were thinking here, but if it was some sort of plot to make Triple H look all the better by comparison, they certainly succeeded at that, at least. Worth watching as some sort of perverse 'so bad, it's good' experiment, though. I'm tempted to go negative stars here, but Triple H tried so damn hard that I won't - which is probably exactly what this match was designed to make you think. DUD

WWE Title Match: Kurt Angle v Chris Benoit: Chris snaps off a quick shoulderblock and immediately goes for a sharpshooter, but Angle quickly bails to the floor to avoid it. Back in, Chris grabs a standing side-headlock, so Angle grabs the leg to try taking him down, but Chris plants a nice dropkick on him to block. Kurt tries a sleeper, but Chris snapmares out of that one, then legwhips him into the sharpshooter, but Kurt manages to get into the ropes before he can properly apply it. Kurt takes advantage of the frustration by tossing him shoulder-first into the ring post, and then delivers a snap suplex for two. Chris fires back with chops and a kneelift for two, but a suplex gets reversed into a forward-falling version across the top rope, and they slug it out on the apron - Benoit winning by DDTing Angle onto the apron. Chris rolls him back in to get a two count off of it, then decides to punctuate it with the flying headbutt, but Kurt rolls out of the way. Olympic Slam, but Benoit counters into the sharpshooter - this time getting it locked on good! Kurt still makes the ropes to escape, so Chris punishes him with a side suplex for two. Kurt manages to turn it around with an overhead suplex, and he dumps his challenger out of the ring for a toss into the rail. Back in, Kurt hits a short-clothesline for two, then snapmares him to setup a chinlock. Chris escapes with an armdrag, and comes off the ropes, but runs right into another well executed overhead suplex from Angle. I'd say that Scott Steiner should be sitting down and taking notes backstage, but he was most likely too busy nursing an oxygen mask at that point, so I can understand if he missed it. Kurt adds a visually impressive side suplex for two, then grounds his challenger again with another chinlock. Chris escapes and wins a slugfest, then backdrops Angle to daze him into a three-alarm rolling German suplex - only to have Kurt block the third alarm, and reverse into an alarm of his won, which Chris then reverses back into a release German suplex. He debates covering or getting to the top rope, and opts for the latter, but the delay costs him, as Kurt pops up with a belly-to-belly superplex for two. Olympic Slam, so Chris counters into the Crippler Crossface, but Kurt gets the ropes again. Benoit punishes him with an anklelock, but Kurt reverses - only for Benoit to counter back into the Crossface! Angle actually manages to crucifix cradle out of it for two, but as soon as they pop up, Benoit counters his clothesline attempt right back into the Crossface! Awesome! The sequence keeps going, as Kurt tries the cradle escape again, but this time Benoit anticipates it and rolls through in the hold - only for Kurt to take advantage of the semi-vertical base by Olympic Slamming him to break, for two. Anklelock, but Chris manages to dump him into the corner to break, then grabs him for a German suplex - reversed by Angle, and then swiftly countered by Benoit with a victory cradle for two. Rolling Germans, but Kurt reverses after the first alarm. Benoit reverses back after one alarm - releasing Angle in it with such force that Kurt does a full back flip as he falls to the mat. That's finally enough to weaken Kurt for the flying headbutt, but it still only gets two. Crossface, but Kurt escapes and tries a powerbomb - then quickly reroutes it into a stungun on the top turnbuckle to avoid Benoit's usual counter to the move. That's some brilliant psychology that doesn't need to hammer you over the head to get its point across. That dazes Chris into the Olympic Slam, but that also only gets two - frustrating the champion. He doesn't know what to do next (within the context of the story, not like Steiner in the last match), and Chris slaps the Crossface back on, but Kurt counters into the Anklelock - triggering a great final sequence where Benoit fights with everything to briefly escape the hold several times, but Angle just keeps locking it on tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor until Benoit finally submits from sheer exhaustion at 19:47. As usual with these two, this was awesome. A tad derivative of their past matches, but still loaded with flawless execution, excellent pacing, and wicked psychology. ****

Main Event: #1 Contenders Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals this year. Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho start us off, with Jericho sneaking in from the crowd with a low blow. He grabs a chair and busts Shawn open with it - triggering a very obvious bladejob from Michaels. At least roll over onto your belly, or something. That was like the polar opposite of his Badd Blood bladejob. Chris Nowinski draws #3, but hangs back to allow Jericho to keep pounding on Michaels. Jericho eliminates him in short order from there, as Rey Mysterio joins the party at #4. He peppers Jericho with some springboarding, but Nowinski attacks from behind to stop the effort, as Edge draws #5. He helps his tag partner clean house, and they showdown - with Rey dodging the spear, and Edge dodging the 619. They continue to counter each other all over the place until Christian enters at #6 to further this battle of tag partners. Cool spot, as Nowinski sneaks up on Edge and Rey to dump them both, so as Rey skins the cat back in, he holds Edge in a bodyscissors with his legs to keep him from touching the floor. That was neat. Nowinski says 'goodbye' shortly thereafter, and Chavo Guerrero draws #7. He takes the 619 Rey, and Christian gets one, too. Cue Jericho to sneak up and toss him anyway. Sorry Rey. #8 is Tajiri, but he doesn't add much. #9 is Bill DeMott, who the announcers call a 'very disturbed and deranged human being.' And this is the guy in charge of development now. #10 is Tommy Dreamer, and he brings a pile of weapons in with him, but gets quickly tossed by Jericho and Christian in under a minute. DeMott is gone via Edge, as #11 draw B2 enters the fray. He also gets tossed by Edge in short order, though. He gets rid of Chavo next, and nearly gets Christian out as well, but Jericho sneaks up and tosses them both to clear the ring as #12 draw Rob Van Dam enters. They have a fun little mini-match until Matt Hardy joins in at lucky #13. He tries to make a pact with Jericho to get rid of RVD, but they can't get the job done. Guys much higher up the card have tried to get rid of RVD for years, like Matt fucking Hardy was going to get it done. Sheesh. #14 is Eddie Guerrero, to add to the nice assortment of workers in this thing. I mean, nothing crazy going on, but their brand of 'nothing' is far more entertaining than, say, Warlord, or Mantaur. #15 is Jeff Hardy, and gets right into it with brother Matt. Jeff goes for the Swanton, but Shannon Moore (Matt's Mizdow-like groupie) steps in, so Jeff hits them both with the move. Rosey gets #16 to end the good worker streak, and hammers Van Dam. Test draws #17, and unloads on everyone with authority. John Cena draws #18, and no one cares. Though, he does offer to 'battle ya'll naked, with no clothes on.' Glad he cleared that up. Charlie Haas draws #19, and battles fully dressed, with clothes on. #20 is Rikishi, as the ring is really in need of some good deadwood clearing here. This may the first and only time I'm actually hoping to see Undertaker. Jericho and Guerrero have a nice little mini-match around all the punching and kicking, though. #21 is Jamal, as Cena pounds on Rikishi. Kane gets #22, and that should lead to some bodies flying. Rosey is first to go, but Jericho manages to narrowly avoid elimination again - in a spot that almost puts Shawn Michaels' closer in 1995 to shame. Shelton Benjamin draws #23, and goes after Matt Hardy. Booker T gets #24, as the ring continues to fill up. He manages to backdrop Eddie out in short order, at least. A-Train draws #25, and hits Shelton with a backbreaker, but takes a superkick from Rikishi. And I guess Shawn Michaels takes offense to him using the move, because he suddenly runs back in and attacks Jericho - allowing Test to toss him. Is that WJWD? Maven draws #26, and goes right for Cena - who he'd actually be fairly well matched with at that point. #27 is Goldust, but he gets almost immediately dumped by Haas and Benjamin. #28 is Batista, but that doesn't mean quite as much in 2003. He does manages to dump Test, as Haas and Benjamin eliminate Booker. Brock Lesnar draws #29, and I hope he brought his ax, because there is some serious deadwood that needs a’clearin’! Bye Haas! Bye Benjamin! Bye Hardy! A-Train and Batista double up on him to slow that streak down, as #30 entry The Undertaker rounds out the field. Bye Cena! Bye Jamal! Nice callback, as Maven tries dropkicking 'Taker out like he did the year before, but gets chokeslammed, and tossed. Kane and RVD tandem clothesline A-Train out, but Kane quickly turns on him with a press-slam elimination - leaving us with Kane, Batista, Lesnar, and Undertaker. Obviously Brock's going to win, he's the only one with a last name! You don't headline no WrestleMania without no last name! Kane and Brock pair off, as Undertaker goes with Batista. Not surprisingly, Batista is the first to go via Undertaker. Kane is gone via Undertaker. Batista comes back in with a chair, but Undertaker shrugs him off and tosses him again - allowing Brock to sneak up and eliminate him at 53:47. Ugh, hated that ending. Match started off really well with the good workers early on, but got really slow in the middle with all the deadweight they were piling up for Brock and Undertaker to toss. That sped things up some, but they didn't finish strongly at all, and it was predictable to boot. **

BUExperience: Worth watching for Benoit/Angle, and kinda for the train wreck that is HHH/Steiner, but overall a very weak effort.

DUD