WWF In Your House - It's Time (December 1996)

This was one I never saw back in the day, and my interest in the build-up was mainly in whether or not Bret Hart would be able to recapture the WWF Title from Sid. Outside of that, the period between Survivor Series and WrestleMania – aside from a few bright spots – was, even through the eyes of an eleven year old super mark, some of the worst stuff they have ever produced. And if the kid who even bought into the fucking Karate Fighters tournament (a fucking tournament with action figures, and I bought into it) they were holding around this time is starting to lose interest, you know it’s time to change things up – which you’d think is where the tagline for this show comes from, but no. That’s actually a mark on the state of disarray the WWF was in at the time, as they had penciled Vader into winning the WWF Title by this point, even going as far as to title the December pay per view with his catchphrase. They ended up going with Sid instead, and teased a Shawn Michaels heel turn – two decisions which went over like taking a dump on the pastor’s head in church. 

WCW was killing them in the ratings with the red-hot nWo angle – with no end in sight – and problems on top of the card (Shawn Michaels’ ‘knee injury,’ Sid being booked to multiple world title reigns, bait-and-switches, world title vacancies, the worst WrestleMania of all time, Sid’s presence in general) weren’t helping anyone. If Ray Liotta were narrating this section of WWE history, ‘these are the bad times.’ Also, then Pesci would put a bullet in Sid’s head, and everyone would have pasta.  

From West Palm Beach, Florida, your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler.


Free for All Match: Rocky Maivia v Salvatore Sincere: Before he went on to become a headliner, a Hollywood superstar, and one of the biggest names in the business - The Rock couldn't even make it onto the pay per view, working the pre show. He's a fresh looking bouncing babyface here, being sold as a third generation wrestler (which is legitimately true), and ready to shake hands and kiss babies. They fight over an armbar to start, until Rocky unloads with fists of fury, and dumps him. You know, I've heard that during the Attitude Era, Vince Russo pitched a character who was a chronic masturbator, and would 'unload' with 'fists of furry.' Luckily, it never got past development. Sincere with a 2^nd rope clothesline for two, and he hits a slingshot elbowdrop. They work a double knockout spot, and Rocky makes the come back. Powerslam, and a shoulderbreaker (his original finisher) looks to finish, but Jim Cornette (Salvatore's manager) runs in for the DQ at 6:00. The crowd could not have cared less about Rocky at this point, despite the WWF's best efforts, and the fact that they're practically running this show in his backyard. He wouldn't get better until he dropped the babyface act, and picked up the swagger, but, amazingly, the WWF not only stuck it out with him long enough for him to develop into, you know, the biggest star in the world, but actually gave this goof the Intercontinental title not long after this. Some people are victims of their times; Dwayne Johnson lucked out that the roster was so thin that he wasn't turfed after a couple of months, and never heard from again. Match was a standard house show match, but Rocky really should have gone over clean. Hindsight is 20/20, and everything, but even at the time - you're protecting fucking Salvatore Sincere? ¼*.

Opening Match: Leif Cassidy v Flash Funk: Funk challenges him to a dance off to start, but Cassidy is having none of it, so they trade armbars instead. Eh, Vince probably should have booked them to have the dance off, considering how popular that craze became in the next decade. He could have been the innovator - WCW would have never seen it coming. Funk botches a springboard bodypress, nearly snapping Leif's neck (like a twig?), and tries a headscissors takedown, but gets planted on his face. Cassidy with an impressive overhead suplex, clear over the top, to the floor. He follows with a springboard seated senton, and now he shows him some dancing. Inside, Cassidy dropkicks him for two, and works a chinlock. Powerbomb, but Funk dances his way out (because, what else is a man to do?), and dropkicks him. Criss cross, and Leif catches him with a sitout powerbomb, but a 2^nd rope moonsault misses. Funk with more dance oriented offense, and a sloppy cartwheel kick puts Cassidy on the floor. He dives out after him, and hits a gorgeous moonsault back inside. Pinfall reversal sequence, and Funk 'hits' an enzuigiri, in an Ali/Liston sense. Side suplex sets up the 450 splash to finish at 10:34. Cassidy (Al Snow) was booked strictly enhancement talent here, but he carried this, as Funk had a few flashy moves, but generally worked a very sloppy match. Decent spotfest, otherwise. *.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith v 'Razor Ramon' and 'Diesel': This was among the WWF's bigger misses. With Scott Hall and Kevin Nash off changing the face of pro-wrestling in WCW, Vince got a bit desperate, and, in a ratings ploy, the WWF promised that 'Razor Ramon and Diesel' would be on RAW that week. What they meant, of course, was that they still owned the license to the gimmicks, and had Rick Bognar come out dressed as 'Razor Ramon,' and Glenn Jacobs (the future Kane) play 'Diesel.' Obviously, it fooled no one – not that it was meant to once you saw them - but they actually went further with it, pushing them to a tag title match here, before quickly sweeping the whose mess under the rug. As noted in the introduction - this was not the best time to be a WWF fan. Diesel starts with Owen, and... um... does a Kevin Nash impression. Diesel with a press slam, and both guys tag out. Meanwhile, two guys representing AAA Wrestling come down to observe the match. Oh, fuck. I blocked it - the AAA period. Forget it, I'll take fake Lex Luger's and Mabel's before I have to watch the WWF's foray into Mexican wrestling again. Razor and Davey trade armbars, as Steve Austin shows up at ringside. He gets into it with Davey immediately - brawling on the floor. Inside, Owen with a missile dropkick for two, but he gets dumped, and Diesel posts him. Inside, Diesel with a sidewalk slam, and Razor starts improvising offense I don’t remember Scott Hall ever using on WWF TV. Owen with an enzuigiri to come back (do you even care on which guy?), and a spinkick finishes things up at 10:45. This match was like a Fellini film - masked men showing up, clowns doing impressions, a bulldog, the King of Harts, Steve Austin randomly walking by. You have to give it to Owen and Davey for taking this whole farce seriously, at least, but the match was nothing. ¼*.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v Marc Mero: This was supposed to be the blowoff to the Mr. Perfect storyline, but Curt Hennig had also bailed to WCW by this point, so, you know. Mero wins a shoulderblock exchange, and celebrates as if they just awarded the title to him, but I guess someone clued him in that, uh, titles don't change hands off of transition moves (what is this, Survivor Series?), so he unloads on Triple H. Backdrop, and he does a ten-punch count, but gets stungunned around seven. Pedigree, but Mero backdrops him to the floor to counter. Hunter hides behind Mero's manager, Sable, and whips Marc into the stairs a couple of times. Inside, HHH with a backbreaker, and he grabs a rope assisted abdominal stretch. Mero with an inverted atomic drop, and a clothesline coming off of the ropes. Helmsley takes a Flair flip, and a headscissors takedown gets Mero two. Upstairs, Mero hits a rana, and tries the Wildthing (shooting star press), but gets crotched, giving us a double knockout. HHH recovers first (well, he didn't just get dropped on his nuts. Ranas and shit look great, but nothing compares to the impact of a good ballshot), and gets two, so Mero powers up, and hits a slingshot for two. Springboard moonsault off of the top for two, but the referee gets bumped off of a criss cross, and HHH hits a standing neckbreaker. He grabs the title belt, but Mero rolls him up before he can use it. No referee, however, so Mero dumps him to the floor, and follows with his slingshot seated senton. Goldust hits ringside, grabbing the title belt, and knocks both men out with it, and now the referee comes to, starting the count. Mero beats it (though, technically, his re-entering the ring should have broken the count), and takes the non-title win by count-out 14:03. This was pretty much, officially, the end of Marc Mero’s usefulness, as an injury would neuter him shortly after this. These two had a really solid, psychology filled match at Beware of Dog that past May. This is not that match. It had a few nice moments, but overall went nowhere before the copout ending. * ½.

Armageddon Rules Match: The Undertaker v The Executioner: 'Armageddon Rules' is fancy talk for a Last Man Standing match, which is fancy talk for a match where they beat the piss out of each other until one man can't answer a ten-count. This was set up when the Executioner (Terry Gordy, under a mask) tried to help Mankind literally murder the Undertaker, burying him alive a few months previous to this. Luckily, the attempted homicide was shrugged off (they couldn't arrest him anyway - he's masked! They don't know what he looks like! He could be behind you at Pizza Hut right now! Though, that's unlikely), and they can settle things in the ring, like real men! Surprisingly, they brawl to start, as I was expecting them to trade hammerlocks. 'Taker with a backdrop and TWO big boots, but miraculously the Executioner's head is still attached to his body. Tree of woe, and they spill to the outside, where Paul Bearer (aligned with the Executioner tonight, for anyone Bearer tracking) whacks 'Taker with the dreaded urn containing his parents' remains. 'Taker’s all ‘been there, done that,’ and still goes for a tombstone on the floor, but Mankind shows up, and botches a kneeclip - tripping over, and face planting. They manage to save it with Mankind grabbing his leg to stop the hold, but it came off poorly, as 'Taker basically held Executioner in the tombstone forever, waiting for Mick to find his footing, causing you to openly wonder why he wouldn't just perform the hold. Inside, the heels double team the Undertaker, but he has the power of the dark side, and shit, so he beats them both up the aisle. 'Taker throws Mankind through the In Your House set, and a slugfest with Executioner has the entire set on the verge of collapsing. Security runs in to get rid of Mankind (So much for 'Armageddon Rules!' I'm relatively sure that, should Armageddon occur, pretty much anything will go (the line is somewhere around what Taco Bell employees will do past 3am), and security guards won't stop you from fighting with your adversaries as you please. Also, from a wrestling standpoint, they clearly established that it's no disqualifications - Executioner was just wrestling a smart match by having Mankind in his corner.) 'Taker and Executioner fight into the backstage area, where the crack camera team loses them, so we cut back to ringside, where the security team has put Mankind into a straightjacket. Alright, I've dealt with my share of dickhead security rent-a-cops before - who the fuck gave them the power to straightjacket people now? We cut outside the building, where 'Taker throws Executioner into the fountains. Back into the building, and ring, tombstone finishes at 11:31. What a pointless fucking stipulation, as they didn't even bother working a 'Last Man Standing' style match, and had more of a 'No Holds Barred' match. Even the referee forgets, and declares 'Taker the winner before someone reminds him that he has to do a ten-count on the Executioner first. And, hey, since you guys, I dunno, totally made up the idea of an 'Armageddon Match,' and it wasn't, like, a pre-established concept, why not just say it's a no holds barred match? Still, decent brawl for what it was, as 'Taker improved tons during this period with the Mankind feud. Executioner never did it for me - looking like he just got fired from his gig at some Renaissance Fair, and decided to give wrestling a try, rather than a true threat to the Undertaker. ¾*. But, hey, this is historically significant in that it was likely the source of the future December pay per view of the same name - so there's that.

Main Event: WWF Title Match: Sid v Bret Hart: Shawn Michaels comes out to do guest commentary, looking like he’s stolen about every prescription pill in the locker room to get himself ready. Bret jumps him before the bell, but Sid catches him with a backdrop to the floor. Sid exposes the concrete out there, and tries for the powerbomb, but Bret posts him a full three times to counter. Inside, Hart with a backbreaker, and he works the back of the champion. Bret exposes the top turnbuckle, and hits a side suplex when a shot into the exposed corner fails. Russian legsweep gets two, and a snap suplex sets up the 2^nd rope elbow, this time connecting right with the lower back. Bret goes up top, but Sid slams him off, and pitches a big boot. Powerslam gets two, and a... kick... gets two. At least he’s varying it up. Sid's cloud touching legdrop misses, but he counters the Sharpshooter by launching Bret to the floor. Bret regroups, but here's Steve Austin to clip the knee (and not miss his mark, like Mankind did), and that draws out Davey and Owen, who weren’t aligned with Bret yet – but also hated Austin. Bret beats the count in, but the knee is hurt, and he can barely stand. Sid thinks it over (it doesn't take long), and then viciously stomps away, and they work a great spot fighting over ramming each other into the exposed corner, with Bret finally taking it - face first. Chokeslam gets two, but they spill to the floor, and Sid shoves Shawn Michaels out there – likely over the stealing of the pills, from earlier. Shawn tries to get his revenge (he’s entitled to them, damn it! To all of them!), but he ends up running right into Bret Hart, which allows Sid to powerbomb the challenger, and retain at 17:03. Both guys were coming off of some of their career best matches at Survivor Series, so you would think that putting them together would equal a classic - but no. Sid knew his days were numbered, and Bret was in total house show mode here, with his booking situation so unsteady going into WrestleMania. ¾*.

BUExperience:  Hey, have you met desperation? No? Check out this show – as the WWF does everything (and then some) to try and counterprogram WCW, with results like the AAA guys to try and combat the real Luchadores WCW had, fake Razor and Diesel to try and combat the nWo, the Armageddon Rules match to try and combat the crazy brawls WCW was putting on, etc. None of it worked – but the desperation and experimentation was a good thing, as things would soon get much, much better in 1997 – with the rise of Steve Austin, DX, the Hart Foundation angle, and the beginnings of the Attitude era, as the WWF realized they didn’t have to imitate WCW when they could be better. Also, Sid leaves. DUD.