WWF Royal Rumble 1994

The 1994 Royal Rumble was (and is) a very important, very personal show to me – both the first wrestling pay per view I ever wanted to see, and the eventual first wrestling VHS I rented, in what would become a long, sometimes tumultuous relationship with the local video store. What sucked me into the show – and the pro-wrestling world – was SuperStars’ coverage of the Hart Brothers feud. While the entire card intrigued nine year old me significantly (I remember being fascinated by the Undertaker’s peculiar vignettes promoting the WWF Title match), it was undoubtedly the saga of the Harts that would grab hold of me – and almost never let go.

From Providence, Rhode Island; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Ted DiBiase – retired due to an injury in 1993, but not yet settled into his role as manager.


Opening Match: Tatanka v Bam Bam Bigelow: This was originally scheduled to be the blowoff to the 'feud' between Tatanka and Ludvig Borga, but an injury switched things up. Bigelow tries a blind charge, but hits the corner, and Tatanka takes him down with a series of shoulderblocks and dropkicks. Armbar, but Bam Bam powers up, so Tatanka gives him a DDT for his troubles. Flying bodypress misses, however, and Bigelow finishes his earlier thought with an avalanche. He goes to the well once too often, though, and Tatanka flies off the top with a sunset flip – only to get buttsplashed. Bigelow with a dropkick for two, and he hooks a bearhug. Bigelow with a shoulderblock, but again goes to the well too often, and gets powerslammed. Criss cross leads to a neat spot, as both men go for a bodypress - colliding in midair. Tatanka JIGS UP!! but gets nailed with an enzuigiri to quiet his bellyaching. Bigelow flying moonsault misses, however, and Tatanka finishes with a well executed flying bodypress at 8:12. Fun match, Borga should get injured more often. *

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Quebecers v Bret Hart and Owen Hart: As noted, this is the angle that hooked me into wrestling once and for all, after dancing around it a bit through the early-90s. And it was a good one - looking back without any rose-colored glasses - still one of the best they ever did, as after Bret and Owen came to blows at Survivor Series, Owen challenged his older brother to get into the ring - which Bret repeatedly refused to do. Finally, over the Christmas holidays, the Harts patched things up, and decided to focus their efforts on taking the tag titles from The Quebecers.  Before coming through the curtain, the Harts cut a quick promo to let us know all is just fine between them now, thank you - though with Owen still taking some great, passive aggressive shots at Bret. Today, I would see the angle coming miles away, but as a brand new fan - and total, complete mark - I was ready for the Harts to win the titles. Pierre and Bret start, and Bret grounds him with a kneelift off of a criss cross. Tag to Owen, and he hits a hard hitting hiptoss for two. He tries to work the arm, but Pierre makes the tag. Jacques tries to psych him out, but gets suplexed after Owen botches a somersault reversal. Enzuigiri gets two, and he tags back to Bret for a Demolition Decapitator. Cradle gets two, and a sunset flip for two. Rollup for two, and that's enough for Pierre - triggering a four-way brawl. The Quebecers try to whip the Harts into each other, but Owen shoots free, and launches himself into a well executed, visually impressive rollup for two. The Quebecers bail to regroup, and we end up back with Owen dominating Pierre. Diving clothesline for two, and a gutwrench suplex gets two. Tag to Bret, but he runs into a series of double-teams, as the champs cut the ring in half. Double knockout allows Bret to make the tag, and Owen's a house of arson. Sharpshooter to finish Jacques, but Pierre dives over with a bulldog to break it up. The Quebecers slaughter Owen with a double-team stungun, but he counters a double clothesline with a dropkick. Tag back to Bret, and he starts another house fire. Backbreakers all around, but Quebecer manager Johnny Polo pulls the ring rope down as Bret is running it - sending him crashing to the floor, and onto his knee. The champs zero right in on it with a golf club - Hart selling brilliantly – and then demand the referee make the count out. Owen helps Bret back in, but that isn't doing him any favors, as the  champs turn him into a wishbone. Half-crab on the bad leg, but miss their awesome assisted senton finisher. Bret ties Pierre up on the mat with the Sharpshooter, but his leg is still badly hurt, and gives out, so the referee stops the match at 16:48. Afterwards, Owen is pissed - kicking the ropes like one of those bratty children you pretend not to see in stores - and berating Bret for not making a tag. Meanwhile, Bret is in such intense pain he can't even look Owen in the face, and when he finally hobbles to his feet (unassisted), Owen swiftly kicks him in the bad leg. Backstage, he cuts a brilliant promo about Bret's 'selfishness,' and how this was supposed to be his moment to finally grab a title, ruined by his stupid older brother. Really well booked match, with a ton of nuanced spots, like Owen forcing the injured Bret back in on the more obvious side, and stuff like Bret taking a heat segment and making the tag earlier in the bout, or injuring his knee off of a botched criss cross (the same spot that started their tensions at Survivor Series) on the more subtle side. *** ¼

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Razor Ramon v IRS: This was set up when IRS impounded Razor's gold chains, though Ramon's real issue was against Shawn Michaels - who was going around claiming to be the real Intercontinental Champion, as he was stripped of the title in 1993 (after failing a drug test, and entertaining offers from WCW), never losing it in the ring. IRS makes the mistake of slapping Ramon, which gets him bitch slapped all the way to the floor as a result. IRS uses that as an excuse to stall, and for good reason, as Ramon kills him on the way back in. Atomic drop gets two, but he misses a charge, and IRS helps launch him over the top. He posts him for good measure, and drops an elbow for two. Chinlock, but Razor powers up, so IRS kicks him in the nuts. He... he doesn’t get up so quickly from that. Legdrop gets two, and he goes back to the chinlock - dripping a disgusting amount of sweat all over Razor's face in the process. I hope he got an apology, and some sort of gift basket/cocaine for that, because nothing takes the fun out of a resthold like getting bathed in someone else’s flop sweat. Razor responds with a blockbuster, but he bumps the referee. IRS takes the opportunity to nail him with his loaded briefcase, but Razor gets it away for his own shot. Cover, but still no referee. Side-superplex, and he tries for the Razor's Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in, and clobbers him with the 'bogus' Intercontinental title belt. IRS wakes up not knowing what the fuck happened (pills...), but he sees Razor down, and covers - just as the referee regains consciousness to count the pin at 9:40. Another referee runs out to stop the title change from becoming official, and Razor hits the Edge in the chaos to retain at 11:30. Pretty dull match, though some solid development of the real angle. ½*

WWF Title Casket Match: Yokozuna v The Undertaker: The important thing to remember about this match is that my parents didn't buy this show on pay per view, so taking in my first taste of WWF pay per view - ever - involved the following, with only the audio. Big staredown to start, but it gets too gay for Yoko, so he charges him. Somehow, 'Taker manages to dodge a running five-hundred pound man, and they spill to the floor for 'Taker to no-sell a shot to the steps. Inside, 'Taker with the ropewalk forearm, but the jumping clothesline misses. 'Taker shrugs it off by beating the champ with a chair, so Yoko responds by throwing a handful of salt in his eyes, and firing off a couple chair shots of his own. Inside, with 'Taker properly blinded, Yoko manages to charge at him, and he goes for the double deep, double wide casket. 'Taker manages to block, and after a slugfest goes his way, hits a jumping DDT. Yoko's done for, but just as 'Taker is about to close the lid, Yoko-associate Crush runs in to break it up. He gets his Hawaiian ass handed to him, so the Great Kabuki and Tenryu join the fun - presumably in a show of Japanese unity. That doesn't work, so Bam Bam Bigelow hits the ring - presumably because Yoko's fat, he's fat; gotta stick together. They manage to get Undertaker towards the casket - as Yokozuna finally recovers enough to get out - but Paul Bearer (aligned with the Undertaker at this point, for anyone Bearer-tracking) uses the power of the urn to motivate 'Taker. He keeps fighting off what is now five men, so Adam Bomb runs in to help - presumably to try to get on Crush's good side, and score some weed. That's still not enough, so Jeff Jarrett runs in - presumably out of white guilt for the internment camps during World War II. Still not enough, so the Headshrinkers sprint in - presumably to remind Yoko that he's not actually Japanese. That's finally enough to get him in the casket, but they can't get the lid closed, and he manages to fight them all off. Dude should have just entered the Rumble instead. Yoko's army can't kill the dead man, so Diesel comes in - presumably because the bookers told him to. He still can't take 'Taker properly out, so Yokozuna goes right to the route of the problem, and steals the urn from Paul Bearer. He opens it - causing green smoke to pour out of it - and that robs poor Undertaker of his magical powers, allowing the eleven guys in the ring to actually work him over. Wow, and people bitch about Hogan?! Eleven men couldn't even slow the Undertaker down before opening a cheap film prop. They shove him towards the box, and Yoko dumps him in with a nonchalant kick before slamming the lid to retain at 14:20. Not surprising that '4' and '20' are involved there, frankly. Bam Bam Bigelow dives on top of it to make sure 'Taker doesn't summon another one-on-eleven comeback, and then padlock it to seal the deal. The party don't stop there, though, as everyone decides to wheel 'Taker to the back (presumably to eat him), but get stuck halfway up the aisle when more ominous green smoke starts pouring out of the casket. Clearly never having visited a haunted house before in their lives, they all start flipping out - when suddenly the lights die, and 'Taker appears on the video wall from inside the casket (which apparently is quite well lit, and contains a camera and microphone hooked up the arenas A/V system). He gives a platitude filled monologue, promising that he will be 'reborn' soon (see: come back from his vacation), and then shit gets real, as lightning starts to crackle, and a 'Taker stunt double levitates (not out of the casket, but literally from the video wall) to the ceiling, not to return until the summer. Now, that may all sound pretty fucked up - and it is - but to a nine year old just listening to this, I totally bought it, and even overpaid. I remember having a conversation with some kids that summer, and explaining it to them as if it were all real - which I kinda, sorta believed. Ah, to be nine. And probably retarded. The match has earned quite a bit of infamy over the years, and even as stupid as it is to watch now, as an adult, my childhood memories get in the way a bit, and I don't hate it. It was a horrible match, sure - even before the overbooking and magic show began – but it sure as hell wasn't boring, and the crowd loved it. Still, objectively, -** ½

Main Event: #1 Contenders Royal Rumble Match: For the first time, they reduce to 90 Second intervals - pretty much guaranteeing that no one breaks Bob Backlund's longevity record from the year before. Scott Steiner and Samu draw numbers one and two, and decide to have a tea party. Nah, I'm just fucking with you guys - they totally hit each other. Rick Steiner draws #3, and though Scott is teasing elimination, takes his sweet time to get to the ring. They predictably double team Samu for the elimination as Kwang gets #4. He holds his own against the former tag champs, as Owen Harts enters at #5 - in full heel mode. He drives the point home by going straight for babyface Rick Steiner, and he dumps him now that he doesn't have that Bret Hart douche holding him back. Bart Gunn gets #6, and goes right for Owen, since cowboys never double-cross each other. Diesel draws #7 - assumably over the whole 'witnessing a resurrection' thing from earlier - and Bart Gunn is his first victim. Steiner goes flying next, quickly followed by Owen and Kwang - leaving Diesel alone, and getting a big pop. Longevity record holder Bob Backlund draws #8, but he's gone in under a minute. Billy Gunn gets #8, but he's gone in less time than it took him to get down the aisle. #10 is Virgil, and he, too, gets slaughtered. #11 entry Randy Savage finally throws a monkey-wrench in Diesel's engine, going ballistic on him on the way in, and proving that crazy does beat big, every time. Jeff Jarrett gets #12, and decides to help Diesel out - which makes sense was they're both still going through post traumatic stress disorder. He makes the mistake of turning him back on Savage to go chant a mantra with Diesel, which ends up getting him tossed by Savage. Crush draws lucky #13, and goes right for Savage. He's met with a pair of flying axehandles, but Crush is in the 'I Helped a Fatty and All I Got Were these Nightmares' club, too, so Diesel helps him dump Macho. Doink gets #14, and unloads eye pokes on the IHAFAAIGWTN-ers. Bam Bam Bigelow gets #15, and his buddies step out of the way so that he can properly press slam Doink out. They then immediately turn on him, likely harboring a bit of resentment since Bigelow's a fatty, too. This is how holocausts start. Mabel draws #16, and goes right for Diesel. Meanwhile, a giant light bulb goes off over Vince McMahon's head at the commentary booth. Seeing a guy Mabel's size is too much for these three, though, and he gives them all avalanches to go with their cold sweats. Sparky Plugg (Bob Holly) gets #17, but gets smashed by Crush. Shawn Michaels is #18, and Diesel teases going for him, which allows the others to gang up and dump him - with Shawn discreetly helping the effort by superkicking the pile to push him out. #19 is Mo, and he targets Crush's sense of terror. And smell. Greg Valentine draws #20, strictly filling a slot, as the roster was disturbingly thin at this point, and they needed bodies. Tatanka gets #21, and renews his feud with Shawn Michaels. Great Kabuki draws #22, as everyone gangs up to toss Mabel out. Lex Luger gets #23, with his storyline being that the he needs to win the Rumble, as otherwise Yokozuna won't grant him another title shot - ever. He goes right to it by dumping Kabuki - pal of Yoko, who jumped him in the back earlier in the evening. Tenryu - another of Yokozuna's hired guns - gets #24, and goes right for Lex Luger. #25 doesn't make it out, and we'd later find out it was scheduled to be Bastion Booger - but he 'overate,' and couldn't compete. That allows the announcers to build intrigue by assuming it was fan-favorite Bret Hart's spot – unable to compete due to the injury earlier. #26 is Rick Martel, and he also renews a long dormant feud with Shawn Michaels, as Tatanka and Lex Luger slug it out. Bret Hart (and his huge pop) hobble out at #27, still selling the injury from earlier wonderfully. Naturally, that makes him an obvious target (The Hitman? A target? Oh, the irony!), and Crush teams with Tenryu to work the knee. Fatu draws #28, and goes right for Lex Luger. Marty Jannetty draws #29, and continues turning Shawn Michaels into this years Ric Flair. Meanwhile, Luger dumps Crush, and Adam Bomb rounds out the field at #30. Hart saves Michaels from elimination by dumping Plugg, but gets repaid with a punch to the face. Well, 'those who don't learn from history,' and all that. The match drastically slows down, as seemingly no one wants to go home, until Martel dumps Valentine to start the fun. Tatanka then dumps him, as Luger dumps Bomb. Bam Bam tosses Tatanka to save face from earlier, and then Flair Flips out off of a blind charge on Luger. Shawn dumps Jannetty for wearing those stupid 'New Rockers' tights two years too early, while Hart and Luger send Tenryu back home. That leaves, Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Shawn Michaels, and Fatu. They all go to separate corners to strategize, then pair off with Luger/Fatu and Hart/Michaels. I'd say Luger got the best deal, there. Bret and Lex both dump their opponents, leaving them as the predictable finalists. They slug it out, and then both go tumbling over the top at 55:08. One referee declares Luger the winner, while the other pulls for Bret, so finally WWF President Jack Tunney comes down to declare Hart and Luger co-winners. Bret's brilliant frustration as the officials keep declaring the other man the winner is worth the price of admission alone. Like the casket match, this finish has become quite notorious, but it was solid booking, as Luger's mega push demanded a WWF Title match against nemesis Yokozuna at WrestleMania – even if they had no intentions to give him the title anymore (as was the original plan, during 1993), instead going with the more bankable choice in Bret. This was the first Rumble I saw, and I loved it as a kid, though I've certainly cooled on it significantly since. Match noticeably lacked any real star power (especially towards the end, when it was clear that it had to come down to Hart and Luger), a problem which was aided some by the accelerated intervals - though they took too long to get to the finish before guys were suddenly flying out in rapid fire. The steroid trials depleted the WWF's roster drastically during the previous year and a half, and matches like this one really exposed the problem. ** ¾

BUExperience: As noted, this is the first wrestling pay per view I ever saw – and it will always hold a special place in my heart – but, objectively, it’s nothing special. It has a couple of major angles, as well as some of the most notorious finishes in WWF history – and even while somewhat historically significant – the good just does not outweigh the bad here. *