WWF No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie (December 1989)

This was a pay per view special, as the WWF – trying to recoup their investment in one of the worst movies ever made – decided to put the movie on along with the blowoff to the ridiculous, intelligence insulting feud it inspired. They shrewdly held the pay per view between Christmas and New Years (with the match pre-taped from Nashville a few weeks prior), when most of the target audience had school breaks, as well as when they were most likely to persuade their parents into wasting money on it.

The Movie: Um, it’s No Holds Barred. What could I say about it? It has the distinction of having a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s so bad Netflix doesn’t carry it – or even have it available to rate. It makes Santa With Muscles look like Oscar-bait. It inspired one of the silliest angles of all time – and that’s really saying something. That being said, the decision to make the movie was sound, as Hulk Hogan was unbelievably popular in the late 1980s – especially with children – and a summer popcorn flick starring The Hulkster seemed like a natural fit. Even with his limited acting abilities, that could easily have worked – but the poor quality of the film doomed them, and it didn’t make a profit. Even as a kid – when I ate up anything the WWF put out – I thought the movie was ridiculous.

Main Event: Cage Match: Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake v Zeus and Randy Savage: Normally, I'd give Savage billing ahead of Zeus, but this is No Holds Barred (!!!) and no thoughts allowed! This is a tornado-style Cage Match (no tags necessary), battling to a pinfall or double escape. Savage manager Sherri nails Hogan with the cage door on the way in, leaving Beefcake inside to get double teamed. He does indeed, with Zeus choking him out, but Hogan climbs in (batting away Savage like a jobber) to make the save. He unloads on Zeus, knocking him into the cage, as Beefcake backdrops Savage into the steel. Big boot for both heels, and they try to ram Zeus into the steel again, but he ACTS UP!! and chokes Hogan down. Beefcake tries to save by hooking the Sleeper, but Savage breaks it up with a flying axehandle, and Hogan gets tossed into the cage. They go for an escape, but Hogan and Beefcake hits stereo side suplexes to stop them, leaving all four knocked out. Sherri takes the opportunity to climb the cage, handing Savage a chain, and he dives off of the top of the cage with it at Beefcake - only to get nailed on the way down, and the Barber escapes. He pulls Savage out with him to keep things one-on-one, but it doesn't matter much as Hogan's HULKING UP!! Fists of Fury! Bodyslam! Series of Rams into the Cage! Three Legdrops! 9:32! Thankfully, this was the final blowoff between Hogan and Zeus, as he would leave the WWF almost immediately after, though he wasn't done with the wrestling world yet, resurfacing to face Hogan again as part of the Dungeon of Doom in the mid-90s. Match had a couple of nice bumps and spots from Savage, and not much else – though all four worked hard. ½*

BUExperience: Well, certainly the worst Christmas Special ever – wrestling, or otherwise. It’s like a pay per view promoted by Ebenezer Scrooge and booked by Mr. Potter. Definitely the right place for the blowoff, though, as many ‘smart’ wrestling fans at the time were seriously worried that Vince McMahon was actually going to push this feud all the way to the main event of WrestleMania VI. Still, the movie is horrendous, and the match isn’t anything to see. If it were a proper pay per view, it would easily be a candidate for ‘Worst Pay Per View of All Time,’ though you can’t really lob that distinction onto a literal one-match show. Still, DUD