WWF Royal Rumble 1996

After near universal critical disdain for the ‘fast paced’ version of the Rumble match in 1995 (featuring one minute intervals, and less star power than a bad episode of Entourage), the WWF reverted back to the classic two minute intervals for 1996.

Facing financial troubles, and tougher competition than in years previous with WCW’s steady ratings gain throughout 1995 (along with their addition of Nitro to compete with RAW, and commencement of a monthly pay per view schedule), the WWF was in something of a state of limbo, leaving even the most devoted fans (like eleven year old me) becoming somewhat disinterested with the product.

From Fresno, California; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect.


Free For All Match: Royal Rumble Lotto Match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v Duke Droese: Winner gets the #30 spot in the Rumble match, while the loser gets #1. This aired during the first 'Free For All' - a neat concept where WWF changed the format of the half hour block they had dedicated as a 'hype show' before each pay per view to include an actual match - which I loved as a kid, since I could only order increasingly expensive, increasingly frequent pay per views very occasionally, and this way, I still felt like I was 'in' on the big show. The concept continued until the Attitude Era, when it was effectively replaced by Sunday Night Heat. Droese overpowers him to start - slamming him around - and he tries a ten-punch count, but gets countered with an inverted atomic drop. HHH with a pair of single-arm DDTs, and he hooks an armbar. He keeps on the arm, but Droese starts DUMPING UP!! Backdrop! Hiptoss! Clothesline! Powerslam! Trash Compactor (a tilt-a-whirl powerslam), but Hunter slithers away, and the referee gets bumped. HHH busts out the brass knux, and gets the pin at 6:25. However, WWF President Gorilla Monsoon (playing the gimmick as the law-and-order candidate) comes in to show the referee a replay of the cheap shot, and the Official reverses the decision. Just a quickie, but Hunter tried for some psychology - only to have Droese more or less forgot about it. The number thirty spot wouldn't get Duke to the WrestleMania main event, but Hunter ended up making it... eventually. ½*

Opening Match: Jeff Jarrett v Ahmed Johnson: Ahmed comes in hot, but Jarrett lures him into a chase, then nails him on the way back in. Johnson no-sells it (big surprise there), and throws him across the ring like sexdoll. Series of shoulderblocks, and a powerslam get two. Jumping clothesline, but he misses a blind charge, and goes tumbling out. Jarrett follows with a diving clothesline off of the apron, and throws Johnson into the ring steps. Inside, Jarrett controls with a choke, and a series of 2^nd rope axehanldes - but Ahmed WEDGIE'S UP!! Bearhug! Inverted Atomic Drop! Running Clothesline! Spinebuster! Jarrett bails, but Ahmed immediately follows with a suicide dive, and tries an impressive flying somersault senton on the way back in – but misses. That allows Jarrett to hook the figure four, but Ahmed reverses. Jarrett keeps after the leg, and tries the hold again, but Johnson shoves him off, so Jarrett grabs his guitar, and dives off the top with a visually impressive break over the head to cause a disqualification at 6:40. Match was solid, as both guys worked hard, and kept a good pace. Bad ending, though, as this was supposed to be the blowoff to the minor feud they had going when Jarrett attacked Johnson at the December In Your House – and failed to be conclusive. It also never went anywhere, anyway, as Jarrett would be out of the WWF again shortly after. * ¼

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Smoking Gunns v The Bodydonnas: Billy Gunn and Skip start, and Billy tries to overpower him, but gets taken down with a headscissors, and dumped. Nice sequence sees The Bodydonnas pull the ropes into a slingshot to fire Billy back in, and try the same bit with Bart Gunn, but he reverses, flinging both challengers to the floor for Billy to quickly follow-up with a suicide dive. The Gunns pinball Skip in the corner, so manager Sunny (fresh off nearly blowing my eleven year old mind during the opening credits - shot naked in a bathtub) heads over to distract them with her feminine wiles (see: titties). They're Brokeback cowboys, though, so no go, and Bart press slams Zip. He falls prey to a double-team, however, so the Gunns respond in kind - with a bearhug/jumping clothesline combo. Sunny tries to get involved again, but Billy accidentally knocks her off of the apron (taking a great bump on her ass). She plays dead, so Billy goes out to check on her, only to get jumped by the 'Donnas, as Sunny jumps up and down. Skip hits a plancha during the beat down, and inside, he suplexes Zip onto Gunn for two. They follow-up with Zip gutwrenching Skip onto him, as the challengers cut the ring in half. Skip 2^nd rope flying fistdrop gets two, and a double-team flapjack gets two, but Billy dodges another double-team – ramming the 'Donnas into each other. Tag to Bart, and he's a house of arson. Four-way brawl breaks out, and the Gunns look to finish with the Sidewinder (sidewalk slam/flying legdrop combo), but Sunny distracts the referee, allowing Skip to break up the count. The 'Donnas try a double-team suplex on Bart, but Billy spears Zip, allowing Bart to fall on top of Skip to retain at 11:14. The Bodydonnas would soon get the belts, though, as the titles became vacant the next month (Billy suffered an injury), and they won a tournament. Solid match, loaded with fun double-team tactics, and aided by Sunny's involvement - not just as eye candy, but in setting up spots. ** ½

I normally skip over these bits, but they air one of the infamous ‘Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin’ War Room’ skits – a series that aired as a satire of Ted Turner, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Gene Okerlund, and WCW in general. They were actually quite funny, if a bit hypocritical – as the point of the skits was to highlight WCW’s poor booking and lack of young stars, (to push the ‘New Generation’ of WWF stars), but the WWF itself had just come off a lousy year (with WCW gaining, and even overtaking them in ratings and buyrates often), and didn’t really have much star power themselves, with the roster getting thinner than a Holocaust survivor. Ironically, most of their mid and uppercard were former WCW stars themselves – like Vader, Razor Ramon, Goldust, Diesel, Steve Austin, and Triple H – among others. Still, funny stuff.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Razor Ramon v Goldust: This was the climax of a great angle, as Goldust – still a fairly newcomer to the WWF - took his homosexual act to the next level, when he started making serious advancements on the ultra-macho Razor Ramon. As you can imagine, that led to Ramon beating the shit out him (once very graphically on an episode of SuperStars, where he nearly killed him backstage), which made gay rights groups flip the fuck out. In response, the WWF gave Goldust hot female valet (Marlena - real-life wife Terri Runnels), and made sure to add some throwaway lines about how Goldust was playing 'mind games' with Ramon, to psych him out, and get the title. Either way, it was a brilliant angle - though it did serve to make Scott Hall extremely uncomfortable in real-life. Well, method acting and all that. Long stall to start, as Ramon is apparently taking out his frustrations by yelling at Goldust. Hey, he's learning to use his words. Violently homophobic words, sure - but baby steps. They finally tie-up, and Goldust literally feels him up as a counter to a go behind, which nearly gets him killed, so he hides in the ropes. They repeat the 'Goldust fondles Razor, gets slapped, bails' routine a few times, until Razor grabs Goldust and spanks him. Right, because that’s the way to ward off unwanted affections - smack his ass like some 50s secretary. Predictably, Goldust likes it, which pisses Ramon off more ('No listening. You hear me?!), leading to Goldust hiding behind Marlena. Be blows kisses next, but surprisingly, Ramon doesn’t like it. This is coming off like a bad first date, with all the rebuffed affections. More hiding behind Marlena allows Goldust a sneak attack, and he rams Razor's back into the ring apron. Inside, Goldust with a bulldog for two, and a slingshot side suplex gets two. Faceslam, and a swinging neckbreaker get two, so Goldust tries a sleeper. Razor with a mule kick to break, but Ramon's still drowsy (no shit!), and Goldust gets two off of it. Razor responds with a chokeslam, and a blockbuster for two, so Goldust pokes the eyes. He tries a flying moonsault, but Razor crotches him on the top, and side-superplexes him off. That draws Marlena in to distract the referee, which allows Ramon nemesis 1-2-3 Kid to pop out of the crowd and nail him with a flying spinkick - giving Goldust the title at 14:17. Match was fine once it got going, but it took FOREVER to get going - with endless stalling. The stalling made sense from a storyline perspective (Goldust is scared of Ramon, and hides - as well as using it as strategy for cheap shots), but it went on too long, and came off flat. *

#1 Contender's Royal Rumble Match: Back to two minute intervals this year. The big angle going in was whether or not Shawn Michaels (making a comeback after 'passing out' on the RAW after Survivor Series) was well enough to compete. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Henry Godwinn get one and two, and they slug it out, with Hunter getting thrown around. Bob Backlund draws #3, and goes for Godwinn. The three of them slug it out, as #4 entrant Jerry Lawler joins the fun. He makes a quick truce with the others to get rid of Godwinn, but Henry clears the ring by threatening to use his slop bucket. The clears them under the ropes, however, but it was a moral victory, to be sure. #5 is Bob Holly, and he gets into it with Lawler. Mabel draws #6, and gets right to choking Godwinn, as Hunter backdrops Holly. Jake Roberts draws #7, and he also clears the ring by whipping out his python - but again, everyone scrambles under the ropes. #8 is Dory Funk, Jr - just hired for the night to fill a spot due to roster depletion. He goes for Backlund, and they slug it out, as Jerry Lawler hides under the ring to avoid elimination. Yokozuna draws #9, and fittingly tosses Backlund. The 1-2-3 Kid pulls #10, so Razor Ramon chases him down the aisle, but Kid's too quick, and dodges him until Officials steer Ramon away. Big 'Razor' chant for that bit, as Kid gets into it with former tag partner Holly. Takao Omori gets #11 - another mercenary hired to satisfy the thirty man quota - and, not surprisingly, doesn't draw a reaction. #12 is Savio Vega, as HHH and Jake the Snake team up to dump Omori, and Yoko gets rid of Mabel. Vader gets lucky #13 (in his much anticipated WWF debut), though he fails to make a proper impact - brutally beating on Vega and Holly, but not dumping them. Doug Gilbert (another mercenary) draws #14, as McMahon and Perfect try to put him over as a contender on commentary. Meanwhile, Vader tosses Roberts, and gets to pulverizing Gilbert for a while, before dumping him. Headhunter #1 draws #15, and I swear you can hear a pin drop. He quickly gets tossed by Vader, as Headhunter #2 gets the #16 spot - as McMahon and Perfect flip out over the notion that they're twins. Both Headhunters head in, so Vader dumps #1 again, and Yoko makes a big dump of #2. Owen Hart gets #17, and unsuccessfully tries to help HHH toss Holly. Shawn Michaels finally enters at #18 to get the crowd into things. Naturally, he goes right for Owen - who was the one responsible for putting him out of action. It doesn't really go anywhere, though, especially since the crowd is focused on a big slugfest between Vader and Yokozuna. Shawn, likely not enjoying a lack of attention, dumps them both. He tosses Kid next, as Hakushi gets #19. Meanwhile, Vader comes back in to beat the shit out of Shawn Michaels as a receipt for the elimination - including press slamming him to the floor, and he everyone else out for good measure. The Officials eventually clear him out, as all the guys he tossed (including #20 draw, Tatanka) are allowed re-entry. Shawn tries to add some drama by teasing a couple of eliminations, as Owen tosses Hakushi. Aldo Montoya draws #21, but Tatanka quickly sends him packing. Shawn Michaels finally remembers that Jerry Lawler is hiding under the ring (business was so bad, the WWF couldn't afford pay per view in the locker rooms, causing them all to miss it), and amusingly drags him out kicking and screaming before casually dumping him. #22 is Diesel, and he's a house of arson - quickly dumping Tatanka. He bumps into pal Shawn Michaels, and shrugs before decking him, too. Kama draws #23, and the crowd almost audibly groans. I say 'almost' because they're so bored with this match, they just sit silently. #24 is The Ringmaster (Steve Austin, very early into his WWF run), and he goes for Holly - successfully dumping him. Barry Horowitz draws #25, stupidly going for Owen, and getting dumped. Meanwhile, Diesel tosses Hunter - who managed to last over 48:00 minutes - which is longer than Shawn did when he won the thing the year before. Fatu draws #26, and goes for Kama. Isaac Yankem (Kane, back when he was trying to make a living as a dentist) gets #27, as Owen clocks Michaels with the enzuigiri that put him out of action. Shawn plays dead, and teases elimination, before dumping Owen. He's still dazed, so Ringmaster catches him with a lariat - throwing in a hilarious impression of Shawn's posing routine. Marty Jannetty gets #28, and everyone gangs up on him, because God knows he's the real threat out there. Davey Boy Smith gets #29, as Diesel squashes Jannetty with a sidewalk slam. He goes right for Shawn, but Jannetty makes the mistake of getting involved (talk about delusions of grandeur), and gets dumped. Yankem gets rid of Fatu, as Duke Droese rounds the field out at #30. He gets quickly tossed by Diesel, as Owen Hart reappears to help Davey in his private war with Michaels. Yankem's gone via Michaels, and we're down to Diesel, Kama, Davey Boy, and Shawn - with only Diesel positioned as a real threat to Shawn's WrestleMania prospects. Davey's first to go (via Michaels), and Diesel tosses Kama with an exclamation point - only to turn around, and get superkicked out himself at 58:49 - which actually isn't a much longer performance (Shawn was in for just over 26:00 minutes) than when he won with the #1 draw in the hyper 1995 version. Afterwards, Diesel interrupts Shawn's literal striptease (thankfully before that goes too far), and makes nice with his little buddy. Much like the '95 Rumble, this one suffered from a real lack of star power, but unlike that version, it was much slower, due to the longer intervals, and general bad booking - though the ending was booked well, and didn't drag after the #30 draw. The roster forced them to (understandably) shuffle all the bigger stars towards the end, but the result was that literally the first third of the Rumble had almost zero intrigue. I was super into it watching live in 1996 - worried for Shawn Michaels - with every sound of the buzzer giving me a near heart attack. They did their best with what they had to work with, but it was a very poor Rumble, overall. Basically the same problems as the '95 version - but we had to sit through it for considerably longer. * ½

Main Event: WWF Title Match: Bret Hart v The Undertaker: 'Taker gets into it with Diesel (still hanging around at ringside after the Rumble) on the way to the ring, triggering Diesel's famous 'I'm not afraid of the dark!' proclamations. Bret makes out with the title belt longer than usual before the bell - likely due to his sister's presence in the audience meaning he'll have to entertain her after the show instead of hunting for ass. Bret dodges 'Taker's stalking, but eventually gets caught, and tossed into the corner for some choking. He keeps at that for a long while, before hitting the ropewalk forearm. Back to the choke, until Hart hits a quick 2^nd rope clothesline, and dumps him. Hart follows with a plancha, and tries a dive off of the apron next - but gets caught, and posted. 'Taker tries it again, but Hart reverses - only to run into a big boot. 'Taker settles for ramming him into the rail, but again makes the mistake of trying something twice, and Hart reverses a whip to the stairs. Bret works the leg, as the referee continues to reel off the slowest count in wrestling history. Back in, Hart keeps after him with a leglock, but 'Taker decks him, so Bret switches up to a figure four. 'Taker reverses, but Hart's in the ropes, and keeps firing off shots at the leg. Another leglock, but 'Taker keeps annoyingly punching him, so Bret goes for 'Taker's protective facemask (introduced after Mabel and Yokozuna legitimately broke the dudes face). That slows 'Taker down, and Bret goes back to the leglock, but again 'Taker hammers free. He tosses Hart - which, as commentator Mr. Perfect notes, is bad strategy when challenging for a title - and chokes him out with some electrical cable. Into the timekeeper's table, and a chair shot for good measure before heading back in. Big boot misses, though, and Hart sweeps the knee, then posts it before hooking another leglock. Undertaker breaks free, and fires off a clothesline, but Hart dodges the tombstone by bailing to the floor. He catches 'Taker with a stunner on the top rope coming in, and follows with a DDT for two. Russian legsweep (with some token headbutts to the back first, to set it up), and a bulldog - but 'Taker sits up out of both. Backbreaker sets up the 2^nd rope elbow, and he goes for the Sharpshooter - but 'Taker grabs his throat again. Criss cross leads to a double knockout, and Bret takes off the turnbuckle pad when he recovers ahead of the challenger. He rips the facemask off, and rams him into the exposed buckle a couple of times. With a new target acquired, Hart fires off headbutts, but walks into a tombstone - but Diesel runs back out, and pulls the referee out to breakup the count. That obviously causes a disqualification, and Bret retains at 28:31 - as Diesel gives 'Taker the finger. I looked forward to this match as a kid, but it was overlong, with a badly booked DQ ending (to set up Undertaker/Diesel for WrestleMania) which had no place in a pay per view main event that ran thirty minutes. It also only served to make Hart look incredibly weak going forward (a trend they would continue the next month, at In Your House), as he became a total lame duck champion. Match had some decent psychology, and selling from both men - but was too slow to really be intriguing, as well as outright dull, with Hart electing not to reach into his stockpile of holds - instead going with leglock after leglock. Shawn winning the Rumble was such an afterthought (despite a good effort at building drama going in) that the Rumble didn't even close the show, instead going with the somewhat anticipated first high profile meeting between two of the WWF's most reliable main eventers, and also as a practical way to set up Undertaker/Diesel. Basically, this was, like, good for a mid-90s Undertaker match, but really bad for a mid-90s Bret main event. Still, a leglock aficionado would be in heaven here. *

BUExperience: It started off well enough, but the WWF Title and Rumble matches (both of which were extremely dull) eating up half the show really killed it. Not an outright bad show, but certainly not one of their better efforts, and entirely forgettable in the grand scheme of WWE history. *