HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1990

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1990. I haven’t seen this since like 1997, and I can’t remember a damn thing about it. Let’s see how it is. 

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Live from Orlando, Florida, in the very building where Hulk Hogan would start his raping of WCW 4 ½ years later.

- Your Hosts are Tony Shavonie (speak of raping WCW) and Jesse Ventura. Jesse is wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt, and a Mickey Mouse club hat. Definitely weird to see.

- Opening Match: The Rougeau Brothers vs. The Bushwhackers: Great, more Rougeaus. I saw enough on “WrestleFest,” believe me. And don’t even get me STARTED on the Bushwhackers. Tony even goes as far as to call the Bushwhackers a “polished tag team.” Gee, what the hell is wrong with that guy? (Well, they actually were pretty darn good in their Sheepherders days, so it’s not total lunacy, or anything) Long stall-fest to start, and I mean LONG. They finally get started, and what goes on? Ass-biting by the faces. Oh G-D (…). They even bite the refs. ass. This is just embarrassing. The heels eventually take over this crap-fest, and go to work on Luke. Nothing of note, however. It goes on FOREVER, too. Butch eventually (in what seems like three hours) gets the hot tag, and cleans house. The ‘Whackers team up to take out the Canadians, and even beat up poor Jimmy Hart. Well, at least the crowd loved it. I sure didn’t. Anyway, the battering ram finishes at 13:33. Bet you couldn’t tell it was thirteen minutes long from my review, but there was nothing to call! Total, total crap-fest. - ****. I’m serious, this was THAT BAD. (Not quite, but it was definitely a negative-star affair. What a terrible way to start a pay per view)

- Gene is with Ted DiBiase who claims that it’s outlandish that someone claim he tried to buy a number in 1989 (he bought #30, BTW). He also bitches over the heightened security for the drawing (The Genius was in charge of pat-downs), and how he got number one. Now THAT’S some great irony.

- The Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake: Before we get underway, we get some extra fruitiness from Poffo, and a poem to boot. They trade a devastating array of cartwheels, and prances to charge up the crowd. That all leads to a Beefcake atomic drop, so Poffo bails out. Say what you will about Lanny Poffo … when he isn’t stalling, he’s a great wrestler. Anyway, he hammers the Barber, but misses a dropkick into the corner, and Beefcake gets him to drop to his knees. Not that THAT’s too hard to do. That leads to a low blow by Brutus, so Lanny bails again. Back in, the Genius beats him up in the corner, and hits a nice dropkick for two. He rolls him up for two, and hits a slam. He goes to the 2nd rope, but gets nailed off of an axe handle attempt, and Beefcake calls for the sleeper! He slams him first, as the crowd gets hot, and hooks the hold in! Genius wrestles his way out, however, and the ref. gets bumped in the process. Nice shot, too. Genius pounds the Barber, but gets locked into the sleeper again, but there’s no ref. Yep … never seen THAT before. He goes out, so Beefcake gets the scissors, despite the match not really being over yet. He cuts some locks, but Mr. Perfect runs out and hammers the Barber, as the bell sounds at 11:04. I guess that means Poffo was DQed. Afterwards, Perfect and Genius beat him up with a chair, setting up Perfect/Beefcake for WrestleMania VI. Not a very good match, but still half-decent. ½*. Oh, I was wrong … Finkel announces that it was a double DQ, for whatever reason.

- Sean Mooney talks with the Heenan Family (Rick Rude, Haku, Andre the Giant and … of course … Bobby Heenan.) He causes trouble by bringing up what will happen to the Family in the Rumble, should they have to face off. This was your typical 80’s segment.

- WrestleMania VI add. Very bland, just a screen saying “WrestleMania VI, April 1, 1990 at Skydome.” Oh, after that add campaign you KNOW I’m buying. (Seriously, these guys needed 80s Don Draper on the team, because those ads were ridiculously bland. Unfortunately today, they tend to be too elaborate sometimes… the Attitude Era generally got it right the most)

- Submission Match: Ronnie Garvin vs. Greg Valentine: Greg tries to walk out before the match even starts because Garvin is wearing a shin guard. See, Valentine was the original D-lo Brown, but he had a shin guard instead of a chest protector. The shin guard made the figure four hurt more, or something like that, so by Garvin wearing one, he felt threatened that there is a counter. If that makes sense to you, great! Anyway, Garvin drags him into the ring, and kicks his ass from post to post. Literally. The Hammer comes back with some chops, but Garvin does his own, probably trying to channel his feud with Ric Flair from ’87. Ronnie wins that, and then they have a boxing match. Greg wins that, and goes to work on Garvin. He tries to pin him, but it’s a submission match, so no dice. Another slugfest is won by Garvin, as they start selling like they’ve been out there for 25 minutes … 4 minutes in! What is this, 1999 WWF? They do a sunset flip reversal sequence to again establish that pins don’t count. Okay, I get it. Valentine with more chops, but both guys go down off of a double shoulderblock. Greg tries for the figure four, but Garvin pushes him off, and rolls him up … but it’s a SUBMISSION MATCH, incase you didn’t get that yet. Greg, so pissed at Ronnie’s insulting of the crowds’ intelligence, hooks it on anyway! It doesn’t work, however, as the shin guard prevents the pain, and Garvin makes faces at the Hammer like a retard in fourth grade. Just do it on the unprotected leg, dumb ass. Greg hooks an overhead backbreaker, but he’s just not big enough to hold him up there, so he powerbombs him down. They trade chokes now, as I wonder who decided that THIS feud was a good idea. Hey, at least I didn’t have to see it at WrestleMania. Ronnie dominates with headbutts, and locks an Indian deathlock. I’ve always liked that spot, because it pumps the crowd up. Greg makes the ropes, however, and then bails out. They have a chop-fest on the floor, and Garvin tries a piledriver, but Valentine backdrops his way out. Inside, Valentine dominates. A criss cross leads to both guys getting knocked out with a double shoulderblock, so Jimmy Hart steals Ronnie’s shin guard while he’s down. That’s one counter. Greg puts the hold on, but Garvin won’t quit, and reverses the hold. Valentine makes the ropes, and reverses back, but he’s in the ropes, so they break. The Hammer pounds Garvin’s bad leg now, and tries another figure four, so Ronnie does a small package, but there’s no pins, dumb ass! Greg heads up, but gets slammed off, as it seems more and more that Garvin thinks he’s wrestling Ric Flair here. That allows Ron to steal Greg’s shin guard, and he pounds the hell out of the hammer, all while still selling the leg injury. Good for him. Finally, he whacks Greg with the shin guard, and hooks the sharpshooter (called a “reverse figure four” at the point) to end this at 16:46 for a big pop. Long, but nothing terrible. ** ½.

- Backstage, Mr. Perfect gloats about beating up Beefcake. Mean Gene brings up how heinous it is that he used a CHAIR on Beefcake. I mean a CHAIR … dear G-D. I guess in 1990, they weren’t there yet. He also gloats about drawing #30 in the Rumble.

- It’s now time for the Brother Love Show. He brings out Randy Savage’s manager, Sensational Sherri first. They trash Dusty Rhodes’ manager, Sapphire, and then bring her out too. She and Sherri do a little verbal sparring, but it’s mostly just Sherri yelling at Sapphire, since Brother Love doesn’t let Sapphire talk. I mean, I see the point is to establish a Randy Savage/Dusty Rhodes feud here, but do I really need to sit through this? Didn’t they have some free time on Superstars or something? I mean, maybe the 1990 crowd was pumped up for this segment, but I won’t lie to you, I’m not. Anyway, the conclusion is Sapphire slapping Sherri, so Savage runs out to save her. That brings out Dusty, and he fights Savage, along with the women fighting. It’s broken up pretty quickly, and the Royal Family bails out, but Brother Love is left in the ring, and he makes fun of Big Dust. That pumps the crowd WAY up, and leads to Rhodes throwing Love to the floor, in a nice spot. Big pop for all of that. Afterwards, we have a little dancing. Okay, one question: does Dusty Rhodes think he’s black? (I think that’s been well established)

- Backstage, Jim Duggan threatens the Big Bossman. That leads to…

- The Big Bossman vs. Jim Duggan: Bossman was still a heel here, but was very near his face turn at this point. Slugfest to start here, won by Bossman, but he gets nailed off of a criss cross. Duggan knocks him to the floor with a shoulderblock, and follows, but he gets rammed into the post. Bossman misses a charge to the post, and hits his shoulder in a nice bump. Back inside, Duggan works the shoulder, meaning we have motivated Jim Duggan tonight, which is always a good thing. He gets caught by the enzuiguri, however, and Bossman controls. He hits the Nash rope choke spot, which forces Duggan to try a comeback, but it gets quickly squashed by the Bossman. Choking follows. He hooks a head vice, and follows it with a knee to the sternum. Bossman controls for a while longer, doing stuff such as knees and bearhugs. Duggan comes back, and clotheslines Bossman to the floor, in a really nice spot. He comes right back in, where Jim continues to kick his ass, and does the 10-punch count in the corner, but only gets to six. He misses a headbutt in the corner, which allows Bossman a clothesline, but he misses a top rope splash. Both guys go down off of a double shoulderblock spot, which seems very popular tonight. Bossman gets the nightstick in desperation, and bashes Duggan with it, causing a DQ at 10:24. Afterwards, Duggan gets the 2x4, and gets his vengeance. The match wasn’t a classic or anything, but it could have been much, much worse. **.

- Another bland WrestleMania VI add.

- Pre-Royal Rumble Soundbytes! We get comments from: Dino Bravo, Earthquake (who still was the “Canadian Earthquake” at this point), Demolition, Bad News Brown, Dusty Rhodes, The Rockers, Hercules, Rick Martel, Tito Santana, Jimmy Snuka, Akeem, and The Ultimate Warrior. What, no Hulk Hogan? You know how the deal goes: A lot of yelling about how you’re gonna win, and how you’re tough enough.

- Sean Mooney asks some fans who’s gonna win the Rumble. A lot of Hogan and Warrior fans, along with a good showing of people who say Mr. Perfect should win. Oddly, Hennig WAS booked to win, but Hogan vetoed it at the last moment, and booked himself to win. The one great moment of this skit: Some hick, toothless (literally) women who likes Jake Roberts. Dear G-D … (That woman still pops up in my nightmares from time to time)

- More Pre-Royal Rumble Soundbytes! This time it’s: Randy Savage, The Powers of Pain, Jake Roberts, The Hart Foundation, The Honky Tonk Man, and Hulk Hogan. There he is.

- Let me just say right now: I’ve always liked the concept of the Royal Rumble. However, I liked it much better BEFORE the winner got a WrestleMania title shot, because it made it a lot less obvious who was going to win. Today you pretty much know who’s winning, but then, it could be anyone. (Still true. I both love and hate that stipulation. Love because it adds a prize. Hate because it limits the booking, and often dilutes the intrigue) This year (1990), I would have went with the Warrior (not Hennig or Hogan) to build him up even more for WrestleMania.

- Main Event: Royal Rumble Match: Two-minute intervals this year. Ted DiBiase, of course, gets #1, and Koko B. Ware draws #2. DiBiase dominates him to start, but Koko starts no selling at random points. He hammers the Million Dollar Man, but walks into a backdrop, which eliminates the bird man. #3 is Marty Jannetty, who hits DiBiase with a quick series of dropkicks to start. He runs into a boot off of a corner charge, however, and then takes a big clothesline. Ted gets nailed off of the 2nd rope, and does his patented somersault bump to a pop. Jannetty, however, tries a crossbody, and misses, falling over the top to the floor. DiBiase is like the Diesel of the 1990 Royal Rumble. (Probably the only time you’ll ever see anyone make THAT comparison)  Jake Roberts draws #4, but Ted meets him on the floor and slams him there. They brawl on the outside, which Jake wins, and he stalks Teddy back in. Jake hits a backdrop, and a short-arm clothesline. He calls for the DDT, pumping the crowd up, but DiBiase backdrops him. They continue to brawl, and out comes Randy Savage at #5. He helps DiBiase kill the Snake, and they just lay in a non-stop beating for two minutes. #6 is Roddy Piper, as they seem to be sending a lot of big guns out early. The crowd goes nuts over him, and he takes down both of the heels. Wow, I’ve never seen an ovation like this outside of maybe Hulk Hogan. He and Roberts team up now, and go to work, with Jake/DiBiase and Savage/Piper. Piper teases a few elimination’s, giving the crowd massive heart attacks, until the Warlord comes out at #7. He, of course, aids the heels, and goes right for Roberts and Piper. The crowd is still MAJORLY into Piper, as every shot he does gets a monster pop. Damn! #8 ends up being Bret Hart, who gets a Piper-level pop of his own. He pounds DiBiase, as the fans go crazy. He wants to pound Warlord next, but he’s too big, so he and Piper double team him. Cute spot. Bret and Savage go now, and Macho teases an elimination. This is such a great Rumble so far. Ted teases elimination, too, getting the crowd really relied up. Bad News Brown is #9, and he goes right for the Hitman. Hey, if it was good at WrestleFest, it’ll be fine here. (Considering that’s my second reference to the Wrestlefest ’88 rant, I’m guessing this was also written in 2001) Jake tries to DDT DiBiase, to a big pop, but Savage saves him, and tosses the Snake man. DiBiase teases another elimination from Piper, but Savage saves him again, as the announcers speculate weather Ted paid him off. Dusty Rhodes is #10, and naturally goes right for Macho. Big pop for that! He backdrops Randy out shortly after, rocking all of Orlando. This is just a super hot crowd! Wait ‘till Hogan and Warrior join us. Andre the Giant is #11, and since he’s the king of battle royals, everyone kind of backs off. Warlord doesn’t, and what happens? Andre tosses him out with one hand! That leads to Mr. Fuji and Bobby Heenan going at it, in a funny spot. Andre works over both Piper and Dusty, but they turn the tables, and double team the Giant! #12 is The Red Rooster, who also gets a loud pop. I’m telling you, this crowd rules! I mean, even JTTS are getting big pops! Piper tosses Bad News, which pisses him off, so Brown pulls Piper out, too! They brawl up the isle, which would set up their meeting at WrestleMania VI. Oh yeah, I also spot Shane McMahon at ringside at this point as one of the refs. He looks so … young. (He looks weird with grey hair now…we’re just a few years away from him turning into Vince’s doppelganger at this point) And oddly, he’s a better wrestler than ½ the guys in the ring at this point! Ax draws #13, and goes right for Andre. Well that’s just plain dumb. (Made sense since they were feuding, but yeah, who goes right for Andre in a battle royal?)  Haku gets #14, and he naturally helps Andre, his tag team partner. This match has slowed down quite a bit, but it’s still better than ¾ of the other Royal Rumble’s out there. #15 is Smash, as we’re half way through now. He and Ax double team Andre, and we get a WrestleMania VI preview as the Colossal Connection fight Demolition. Akeem gets #16, and he pretty much goes at everyone, including DiBiase, which is odd since they’re buddies in the storyline. (Every man for himself!) Demolition toss Andre, in a bit of foreshadowing to what will happen at WrestleMania. Apparently, Hart was tossed too, because I don’t see him anymore, but I have no idea when or how. Oh well. (Dusty tossed him)   Jimmy Snuka pulls in at #17, and fights Akeem, as Demolition continue to dismantle Haku. The Superfly tosses Akeem, but then gets worked over by Demolition. Looks like the Demos just hate islanders. Lousy racists! Rikishi was right! Dino Bravo is #18, and he tries to toss Haku, but Snuka saves him. Hey, Samoans have to stick together, I guess. The Demos try to toss DiBiase (who’s pulling 33 minutes at this point), but Bravo saves him. #19 is Earthquake, who, like I said earlier, is still the “Canadian Earthquake.” That would change at WrestleMania VI, as they didn’t want face heat in Canada. He quickly tosses Rhodes, officially making me happy. Ax goes next, courtesy of Earthquake, and he goes to work on Haku. Jim Neidhart is #20, and goes for the ‘Quake. He (and everyone else in the ring), gang up and dump the big guy out to a big pop. #21 is The Ultimate Warrior, to a monster pop. He murders Bravo right away, and dumps him. I would have saved Earthquake for him, personally, to further build him up. He and the Anvil double team DiBiase with about a million chops, and then fight eachother! #22 is Rick Martel, with some solid heel heat. He has a slugfest with Ax, and tries to toss him, while Warrior helps him out. That plan fails, so Haku casually superkicks Ax out. Ted DiBiase tries to toss Warrior, but he’s just to fresh, and likes to no-sell, so that plan fails too. Tito Santana draws #23, and heads after former Strike Force partner Rick Martel. #24 is The Honky Tonk Man, who gets quickly killed by the Warrior. It’s like SummerSlam ’88 all over again. DiBiase saves him, however. Warrior tosses Neidhart as a compensation, however, and gets rid of DiBiase next after almost 45 minutes. Big, big pop for that. WWF Champion Hulk Hogan draws #25, to a super big pop, and tosses Snuka right away. Haku goes next, proving again that Rikishi was right. Tito gets dumped by Warrior, and Shawn Michaels comes in at #26. Hulk tosses Honky, and Warrior goes into roid rage and dumps Martel and Shawn. Down to Hogan and Warrior! The crowd goes absolutely CRAZY, in SUPER LOUD fashion as they face off! Even Bobby Heenan stays ringside to watch. They do a big criss cross for a bit, and both guys go down in a double clothesline spot. Man, they must have KNOWN what a crazy buyrate WrestleMania VI would draw at this point! (A retarded horse would have known by this point. And Vince McMahon is at least 5% smarter than any horse – retarded or not)  Barbarian breaks it up at #27, and works on both superstars. Rick Rude runs in for #28, WAY before his time came up, presumably because they didn’t want to give away too much of Hogan/Warrior before WrestleMania. He and Barbie kill the super-men, and try to dump Warrior, but can’t do it. Hogan hulk’s up, and tosses Warrior out himself, getting a big pop! Hercules joins us at #29, and helps Hogan against the heels. #30 is, of course, Mr. Perfect, who like I said, was originally booked to win this.

- Hennig goes right for Hogan, and probably gets in a couple stiff shots in retribution. Barbie gets tossed by Herc, and we’re down to: Hogan, Hercules, Rude and Perfect. Fine field. Herc goes first, via Rick Rude, and the heels work on Hogan. A miscommunication spot allows Hogan to get rid of Rude, however, and he pounds Curt. Hennig comes back, and hammers the Hulkster, hitting the Perfect-plex. Hogan no-sells, however, popping the crowd. He does the usual hulk-up routine, and dumps Mr. P at 58:44 to win his first of two Royal Rumbles. Hey, fine, fine Rumble, and a BIG BIG pop. In my opinion, the 2nd best Rumble ever (after 1992), and a hot crowd to really make it work. **** ¼. Again, personally, I would have gone with Warrior, but Hulk was a good choice, too, because the crowd loved it.

- Bottom Line: Well, awesome Rumble aside, this show doesn’t have too much to see. One really terrible match in the opener, and the rest is pretty watchable, but nothing to really go out of your way to see. Still, the Royal Rumble match itself is really excellent, and does make up about 1/3 of the show, and has some solid history in it so…

- Mildly Recommended.