Monday, December 23, 2013

HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania IV



- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania IV. I’ve had this one requested a number of times, but would YOU be in a rush to watch it? Either way, here it comes.

- Oh, and to do my part in the deal with Scott Keith’s publisher, here’s my review for “The Buzz on Wrestling.” I got the press release copy, and it is definitely a good book. I feel Scott missed some opportunities to go into further detail about some events, but it’s still a solid read. *** ¾.  (Okay, so that means this was written in 2001)

- An even better book is “WrestleMania, the Insider’s Story.” Check that one out, it’s pretty cool. **** ¼.


- Anyway, on with today’s show.

- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent, **** - Great, *** - Good, **- Okay, * - Decent, DUD - Awful.

- Live from Atlantic City, New Jersey at Trump Plaza. Just like the next year at WM V. I never liked that building. Remember the staircase I described in the WM V rant? It’s here too. (Forget the crowd, the entire puke-yellow design of that building was fucking depressing)

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura.

- The story here is that Hogan’s WWF title was vacated after Andre beat him for it (in the famous “double referees” bit) and a tourney would be held at this WrestleMania to crown a new champ. The problem is you have a HUGE 14 man tourney, in addition to five other matches. Can you say bloated?

- Opening 20-man Battle Royal Match: This has Sam Houston, Ken Patera, The Killer Bee’s, The Rougeau’s, Hillbilly Jim, Junk Yard Dog, Bad News Brown, Danny Davis, George Steele, Harley Race, The Hart Foundation, Sika, Ron Bass, The Young Stallions, Nikolai Volkoff, and Boris Zhukov. Quite a field, eh? (Ah, for the days before Wikipedia or History of the WWE when I actually had to sit through the entrances to figure out who was in these things) As this thing starts, George Steele refuses to get in, and just walks around outside. Typical battle royal fare. You know, punch, kick, punch. Houston and Sika both get tossed quickly, and Brunzell teases a couple of eliminations. Steele (still on the floor) costs Neidhart elimination, and Brunzell finally gets tossed. Ray Rougeau and Brian Blair toss eachother, and JYD gets rid of Bass. Steele’s STILL on the floor. Why? The Russian’s dump Hillbilly, and this is really a draggy little match. Davis out, and Jim Powers follows. Race and JYD trade headbutts, as Patera tosses the Russians, but Bad News sneaks up and dumps Ken too! Race out via JYD, and the final four are Bad News, Bret, JYD and Roma. Guess who goes first? If you said Roma, you’re right, as Bad News quickly dumps him. (Haha, no one likes Paul Roma) Bret and Bad News team up on JYD, but it backfires as the Dog uses his head. Literally. It proves to be too much for him, however, as the heels beat the shit out of the Dog and toss him. They decide to split the winnings instead of fighting, but Bad News quickly double crosses him with the Ghetto Blaster. I can see the interviews now: “I didn’t screw Bret. Bret screwed Bret!” (That wasn’t as dated in early 2001, at least) News quickly tosses him after that to win at 9:43. Pretty boring, ½*. This would be the beginnings of Bret’s face turn.

- Robin Leach, of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” comes out to read the proclamation to officially open the tournament. He also doesn’t seem very happy to be there. (If there’s one thing I hate about celebrity involvement, it’s celebrities who seem to think they’re ‘too good’ to be there. And maybe they DO feel that way, fine, but don’t let it come across on camera, at least. For every great celeb like Pete Rose or Donald Trump or Mike Tyson you’ve got ten Robin Leach’s or Pamela Anderson’s or Burt Reynolds’ )

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: Ted DiBiase vs. Jim Duggan: Ted has Virgil and Andre with him here for “insurance.” Hacksaw walks around like a doof as DiBiase tries to make a wrestling match out of it. Lousy Duggan. The hick hits an atomic drop to put Teddy on the floor, but Ted chops away on him to comeback. Hacksaw catches him with a clothesline, and does the ten-punch count, but eats foot off a corner charge. He hits a 2nd rope ax handle, and then a fist drop for two. A slugfest develops, and Duggan actually busts out a sunset flip for two. Ted gets another first drop in, but Duggan suplexes him in return. Ted takes his somersault bump off an axe handle attempt, and Jim slams him down. He calls for the 3-point stance clothesline, but Andre stops it, decks him, and allows Ted an easy pin at 5:00 to advance. Okay match, with no rest holds! **. (And there’s my first crazy liberal rating for the night.)

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: Dino Bravo vs. Don Muraco: Muraco had fellow steroid pumper Billy Graham with him, who was already using a cane due to the effect the drug had on him. I wonder how Don is holding up today? (Pretty well compared to a lot of other 80s stars, actually) They do some crappy wrestling to start off, and The Rock slams him. He tries a Vader bomb, but BADLY messes up, and misses. Bravo drops some elbows to retaliate, and hits a gutwrench suplex. Dino hurts his knee off a missed corner charge, and Muraco works on it. Bravo kicks him off, and Don gets caught in between the 2nd and top rope (like Foley), and Dino easily piledrives him after that (but only for two). He tries another piledriver, but gets backdropped, and they do a double clothesline spot. The Rock hits a flying forearm, and tries another, but Bravo shoves the ref. in between and he goes down. Bravo hits a sidewalk slam, and covers, but the ref. DQ’s him at 4:59. The time constraints are a good thing here, keeping rest holds WAY down for 80’s WWF, but these two suck either way. DUD.

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: Greg Valentine vs. Ricky Steamboat: The Dragon brings his son to the ring with him here, as he does many times. I think Ricky is a really great dad, in real life. You can see it in his eyes when he holds the kid. They do a bunch of false lock ups to start, and a big criss cross leads to a Steamboat hip toss, and an arm drag. He goes into the arm bar, and then hits a falling headbutt for two. Shoulderblock for two, and another one for two. He tries a third, but gets tossed, then skins the cat back in! He rolls him up for two, and goes back to the arm bar. Valentine catches him with a knee, as the announcers say that Barry Blaustein predicts Steamboat will win the title tonight. Barry, for those that don’t know, made that wrestling documentary “Beyond The Mat” a while back. I didn’t know he had anything to do with the WWF in 1988 though. (I think he was just Jesse’s friend) Greg works in some chops, and drops an elbow for two. Steamboat flips out of a side suplex, and rams Valentine to the turnbuckle, then goes back into the arm bar. The Hammer fights out of it with an atomic drop, and hits some solid elbows to the head of the Dragon. They have a chop fest (won by Steamboat), and Greg hits a bodypress for two. Gutbuster follows, and he drops a head down low. He goes for the figure four, but Ricky kicks him off, and chops him down! That gets him two, and the Hammer hits a shoulderbreaker for two. He goes up top, and connects with a double ax, then tries the figure four again. The Steamer fights out of it again, and rams Greg’s head to the mat a couple times. Flying back elbow, and Ricky goes to the top for a big chop. Tatanka WISHES he could hit them like that! (I dunno, I think by 2001 Tatanka just wished he had a job) It gets two, and he rams the Hammer into the buckle until the ref. stops him. He hits the top rope flying bodypress, but Greg rolls through for the pin at 9:09. Eh. Decent, but kind boring. ** ¼. Steamboat was NWA bound, at this point.

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: Randy Savage vs. Butch Reed: You mean, the WWF REALLY thought that they could make millions by marketing a black guy with blond hair? Ouy Vey. Liz looks great here, BTW. Reed kicks his ass to start, and suplexes him to the mat for two. He punches Macho a little, and then snaps his neck on the top rope. This is such a crappy match. Butch “hits” a 2nd rope fist drop, and struts. The “hits” has parenthesis because it didn’t come 6 inches from Savage’s head. He goes up top, but gets caught, and Savage slams him off. He hits the big elbow drop (to a MASSIVE pop for the elbow) to get the win at 4:02. Total crap. DUD. What I don’t understand is why they didn’t have Steamboat go over in the previous match and have them have a big WM III re-match. (This was a terrible match. The BUExperience is all of three lines long because I literally had no action to call)

- Mr. Baseball interviews Bobby Heenan and the Islanders. I miss 80’s Heenan, he’s so damn funny.

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: One Man Gang vs. Bam Bam Bigelow: Bigelow is pretty over here. Okay, for those that keep asking me, Bam Bam and the Gang are NOT the same guy. (I don’t know where people came up with that, but holy shit did I get asked it a lot) Here’s your proof. Gang jumps him, and hammers away. He misses a charge, however, and Bam Bam cartwheels his way to a two count. Cross body for two, and he drops a head for two. He does about 500 punches leading to another headbutt, and bounces off the ropes, but Slick pulls the top rope down, hurting the Bammer. Bigelow gets back in, and all of a sudden the bell rings and the ref. says Bam Bam was counted out at 3:01? What? The ref. CLEARLY yelled “FOUR!” at Bam Bam when he got back in. How is that a count out? Bad match, bad ending. DUD.

- Hulk Hogan gives the absolute most crazy interview I’ve ever heard. Ever. He talks about how he’s gonna slam Andre again, breaking the U.S.’s east coast completely off, and sending all his fans (including Donald Trump) into the ocean. His fans will then swim back to land, on the back of Hogan, after holding onto Trump Plaza for salvation. Oh, and THANK G-D DONALD TRUMP’S A HULK-A-MANIAC! Anyone who’s seen this will get that reference. (And THANK GOD for YouTube, so we can all experience the insanity that is 80s Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, and the Ultimate Warrior on a regular basis)

- WWF Title Tournament, Round One: Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts: This is the last match of round one. This is also in the thick of the “Rude loves Jake’s wife” angle, but nothing was to be settled here. Oh yeah, remember what I said about lack of restholds due to time constraints? Forget that for this one. They do a bunch of false tie ups to start, and a bunch of slow slams, which is a sure indication that this is gonna go on for quite a bit. Long arm bar by Jake, as the crowd naps. Jake catches him with a knee, and goes for the DDT, but Rude bails out. Heenan licks his wounds (not literally, of course), and he goes back in. You know, the crowd MUST have known that this would go the time limit, because all the other matches were done in like five minutes, and this one is exceeding that, and still in rest holds and feeling out processes. A criss cross leads to a Roberts slam, but he misses a high knee, and Rude drops him on the back of his head. Clothesline for two, and Rick goes to the chinlock. Great. He switches it up into a headlock, but Jake throws him off. Rude hits a 2nd rope axe handle to stop any comeback, and uses Jake as a punching bag. Clothesline for two, and Rude goes back to the chinlock. We have now exceeded the longest match so far, and we’re still in rest holds. Jake breaks out, and takes a faceslam for his troubles. He goes all the way up, and drops a knee to the head for two. Back to the chinlock. For a LONG time. During the hold Rude keeps asking the ref. “How much time?” because he obviously knows this match is dragging. Jake uses a stunner to break free, and hits a big backdrop. Short clothesline sets up the DDT, but Rick spears him into the corner. He eats knee off a corner charge, however, and Jake hits a gutbuster for two. He tries a bulldog, but Rude hits a side suplex for two. Double clothesline puts both guys out, as the time limit nears expiration. They fight in the corner, and Rude rolls him up (with two feet on the ropes) to get a two count, as the time expires after only two. It actually went 15:08, because Rude and Roberts got to the end sequence a little late. This was the type of match that looks like it was booked by Bill Watts. That’s NOT a good thing, BTW. ¼*. I’m surprised Jake was able to go a whole fifteen minutes! He’s usually out in about six so he can run back and shoot up.

- Hercules vs. The Ultimate Warrior: Warrior was basically a new guy in the WWF at this point, and he had a feud with Herc going. The fans loved him, too. They didn’t know what to make of the guy, and Vince KNEW there was gonna be money to be made off of him in the future. (This was back in the day when McMahon still actively paid attention to what the fans wanted, and pushed guys accordingly) They trade shoulderblocks, and nobody moves, to establish that they’re both big. They trade lots of punches, and Warrior actually uses chops! Herc gets him down with three clotheslines, but Warrior returns the favor, only he needs just ONE clothesline to knock him over. I love attention to detail like that, but the likelyhood is that it just happened to go that way, and neither man thought about it ahead of time. (That was likely purposely booked that way) Jim drops him on the ropes, but Herc backdrops him to the floor. Warrior pulls him out with him, and wins a slugfest down there. Back in, and Warrior does the ten punch count. He takes an inverted atomic drop, however, and hooks the Full Nelson. He turns it into a German suplex, but Warrior lifts his shoulder at two, and Herc doesn’t, giving Jim the win at 4:36. Herc gets his chain, and chokes him out, but Warrior breaks free and runs him out. This match looked like two amateurs trying to wrestle. Very bad. -**.

- Review of Hogan/Andre. Cool feud, but it was cooler when it came to a head at WM III, than it is here at IV.

- WWF Title Tournament, Round Two: Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant: These guys got a bye into round two, due to the whole “twin referees” thing that led to this whole tourney. The scary thing is, Hogan is the BETTER worker in this match. Think about that statement, and then send me sentiment cards for watching this show. Andre attacks him as Hogan runs into the ring, and does his usual hammering. Hogan comes back with punches, and rams Andre’s head with DiBiase’s. Andre gets hung up in the ropes, and Hulk poses as DiBiase and Virgil untie the Giant. He gets him down with about 100 punches, and drops a series of elbows for two. Andre stops that, however, and chokes away. More choking after that, to change up the pace. Andre then decides that chokes are boring, and decides to REALLY excite the crowd. How? NERVE HOLDS! Hogan fights his way out, and calls for the slam, but as he goes for it, DiBiase bashes him with a chair. Hulk no sells, and runs Teddy out, then uses the chair on Andre. The ref. takes it away, but Andre steals it from him, and whacks Hogan! The bell rings, as Hogan beats Andre with the chair some more. The official call? A double DQ at 5:19. Afterwards, Hogan gives Virgil a terrible suplex in the isle, and slams Andre just to embarrass everyone. Bad match, DUD. Hulk poses afterwards, of course. (What a disappointment this match was. Not only because it was bad in-ring, but it just seemed like another match on an already bloated show, as opposed to the biggest thing in the world like it did at WrestleMania III, or The Main Event)

- WWF Title Tournament, Round Two: Don Muraco vs. Ted DiBiase: Guess who goes over here. The Rock jumps him and rams Teddy to the posts. Don clotheslines the hell out of him, and a powerslam gets two. The beating continues, but nothing more inspired than punches and clotheslines. Dropkick for two, and DiBiase bails. More punches by the Rock. Ted outsmarts him, and posts the big lug, then puts the boots to him. Clothesline for two, and Ted catches him with a knee. This is dragging a lot at this point. Fist drop for two, as Muraco has his foot on the ropes. He slams him, but misses a 2nd rope back elbow, and the Rock (naturally) punches away. A criss cross leads to a DiBiase stun gun to finally end this at 5:40. About three minutes too long, and not very inspired wrestling. ¼*.

- Demolition throw out random threats at Strike Force.

- The One Man Gang comes out to except his bye into the semi-finals due to the Rude/Roberts thing. You see why this show ran so damn long? People having to COME OUT TO THE RING, and get private intros and announcements that they got a bye. Gee.

- WWF Title Tournament, Round Two: Greg Valentine vs. Randy Savage: Savage and Liz are now wearing a second outfit, as they changed since the first round. Slugfest to open, and Savage posts him. Snapmare and a knee drop get two for Savage, but Greg sneaks in a forearm to take control. He goes crazy with about 236 elbow drops for a two count, and hits a shoulderbreaker for two. Savage gets tossed to the concrete, and Greg follows with more elbows. I’m waiting for Rhodes/Valentine, with elbow drops/smashes banned. The moveset would be like, 3, combined. He follows up with choking, just to make my day. He starts working the knee, to make up for the crappy choking, but Savage springs for the ropes. He botches a suplex (badly) dropping Savage on his side for two. Backbreaker for two, but Savage takes over with a back elbow. Slam, and he hits a double ax for two. Suplex, but he gets nailed off another ax handle attempt. The Hammer tries the figure four, but Savage gets a small package to win at 6:05. Not that this was a bad match, it just wasn’t that good. * ½.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Honky Tonk Man vs. Brutus Beefcake: Honky has “Peggy Sue” with him here, which is Sensational Sherri in a blond wig. The crowd doesn’t really care about this one too much during the entrances, and that’s REALLY not a good sign. (According to Beefcake’s shoot interview, the crowd was super pumped to see him! Ignore those things called ‘eyes’ and ‘ears’ – Brutus Beefcake said!) They do a long tie up to start, and Honky hammers away. Yawn. Brutus catches him with an atomic drop, and follows by messing up his hair. Great. Honky bails out, and stalls for a while. The Barber uses the post to his advantage, and channels Triple H for a high knee. All this amazing workrate causes Wayne to bail, of course. Back inside, Honky misses a knee but Brutus follows that by missing an elbow drop. Great, now we get to sit through Honky’s offense. Lots of punches and stomps going on here. He goes for the Shake Rattle and Roll, but Beefcake holds onto the ropes to counter. He makes a full comeback with a backdrop, and other Hulk Hogan offense. He finally hooks on the sleeper (which oddly breaks the definition of it’s name by WAKING UP the crowd), but Jimmy Hart bops the ref. over the head with the megaphone. Honky fades into “unconsciousness” but the ref. is out cold, and there’s no one to make the call. Brutus chases after Jimmy, catches him, and proceeds to cut his hair, while Peggy Sue and three other refs. try to wake up Honky. They finally do, and he takes the belt and bails out. The official call? Beefcake by DQ at about 9:00 since there was no closing bell. Total DUD.

- Mr. Baseball talks to Andre, but Bob upsets him, and the Giant does the famous spot where he chokes little Bobby out. It’s a really cool visual.

- Six Man Tag Team Match: The Islanders and Bobby Heenan vs. The British Bulldogs and Koko B. Ware: This feud came about when Heenan and the Islanders stole the Bulldog’s bulldog. Koko was just kinda tossed in there to make it a six man tag. Heenan, who is, after all, the brain wears a dog bite suit to the ring to insure the dog can’t get any revenge on him. Dynamite tears both Islanders up to start, and backdrops Tama to the mat. He slingshots him to the post, and Tama sells it by falling to the floor. At least he sells. Haku tags in, and he and Davey Boy have a power exchange. Smith cross body for two, and a slam for two. Crucifix gets two, as this was before Davey started to suck. Tama tags back in, and works the arm, but Davey hits a press slam. Koko and Haku have a go, and Ware hits a nice dropkick. He takes both Islanders down with head scissors, and everyone tags out. Dynamite and Heenan are next to go, and Bobby just puts the boots to him, then quickly tags Tama. He hits a backdrop to officially make Dynamite Ricky Morton. Doesn’t last, however, as Koko tags in. He cleans house on both Islanders, but Haku catches him with a kick to stop it. They kill Koko, and then tag Heenan in to lay in his shots. Ware dropkicks him into the corner, and now everyone comes in to brawl. The Islanders win that, and slam Heenan onto Ware to get the pin at 7:30. Weird booking. Afterwards the Bulldogs chase Heenan down with Matilda (the bulldog). Best match in a while for this show. ** ¼. Six man’s really hide a bad wrestlers weaknesses.

- Jesse Ventura takes up PPV time to get up and pose. Like I’ve said before, the man’s a hypocrite, he complains about Hogan posing all the time, but he’s just as bad, if not worse. (I’d say worse, since Hogan may have been a backstage politician, but Ventura became a literal politician)

- Ted DiBiase comes out to accept his bye to the finals due to Hogan and Andre eliminating eachother.

- WWF Title Tournament, Semi-finals: One Man Gang vs. Randy Savage: Savage and Liz have yet another new outfit on here. Why does Liz always seem non-happy to be there, at a wrestling event in general, until about 1991? She always seems upset. (Yeah, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her? Who is she that she can’t appreciate being locked in broom closets for hours at a time? Bitch) Savage snaps his neck on the ropes to start, but the big man takes over quickly. Total punch-kick fare here so far. He finally slams him to get two, but the crowd is GONE. Big fat ass elbow for two, but he misses a big splash. He then misses a corner charge, and Macho knocks him to the floor. He follows up with an axe handle, and drags him back in. He tries a slam (which backfires, of course) and Gang goes back to work. He gets the cane from Slick, and uses it, causing a DQ at 4:05, putting Savage in the finals. – *. Yep, negative stars.

- Mean Gene and Vanna White go over the final brackets for the title tournament. She leaves to go to ringside, and Mr. Baseball finally shows up to meet her. But she just left! HA HA HA!!! Actually, this was kinda funny as the running gag all night was that Bob was searching for Vanna, but she didn’t even know who he was. (And all these years later, she’s STILL a household name)

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Strike Force vs. Demolition: The Demo’s were heels at this point. Crowd doesn’t give a shit about either team, BTW. Smash and Martel start, and Smash just tears him apart (getting face pops, even though he’s a heel.) See, Demolition started as heels, but just rolled through everyone in the WWF, so the fans just naturally started cheering. It’s like the Austin-effect, almost. This was just a formality to put the tag titles on them. Big brawl ensues, and Strike Force easily wins. The faces are in control of this one, but they don’t do anything more inspired than arm bars. The Demos take over, and beat the crap out of Tito. Ax powerslams him for two, and Smash suplexes him for another two. Of course, there was about two minutes of punching between the two spots. Tito Morton finally sneaks in the flying forearm, and makes the tag to Martel. Not a hot tag though, as the crowd doesn’t care. Rick cleans house, and hooks Smash in the Boston Crab (the move they used to win the titles), but Smash won’t tap. A big brawl starts, and Ax decks Martel with Fuji’s cane to allow Smash an easy pin at 8:00. Decent pop for that, too. Boring as hell, however. - *.

- WWF Title Tournament, Final Round: Ted DiBiase vs. Randy Savage: This is it, the title match. All that crap leads to this. Robin Leach comes back out with the brand new WWF belt (the one they used from here until 1998), and still seems upset to be there. Mr. Baseball is the guest ring announcer (just like the year before), and Vanna is the guest timekeeper. Big pop for her, too. Bob also finally gets to meet her, and nearly faints. Ted has Andre, but still no Virgil as that crappy Hogan suplex must have killed him. Savage and Liz wear the 4th (and final) new outfit here, all in white now. Savage controls to start, but Andre trips up Savage early on. A criss cross leads to Andre tripping Macho again, as the crowd chants for Hogan. Ted controls him as a result of Andre’s interference, and hits a back elbow for two. DiBiase tries a sunset flip, but Savage decks him, and clotheslines him for two. He snaps his neck over the ropes, and knees him to the floor. He wants to follow up with an axe handle, but Andre stands over DiBiase to protect him. Savage has enough of this crap, and sends Liz to the back for something. Three guesses as to what. (Tampons?) DiBiase hooks a chinlock, as Liz returns down the isle with Hogan, getting a BIG pop. Hogan sits down in Macho’s corner, but DiBiase and Andre still cheat. Hulk gets sick of that, and decks Andre, to even the score. Ted still has control, however, and suplexes him for two. Gutwrench suplex for two, and he slams him. He goes up top, but Savage catches him with a slam, only to miss the big elbow! DiBiase easily hooks on the Dream, but Hulk comes in (behind the refs. back) and blasts Ted with a chair. Savage heads up top, and this time hits the big elbow to win the title at 9:16. Hulk hands him the title, and the two celebrate together to big pops. DiBiase and Savage would go on to have a bunch of great matches over the summer, but this isn’t one of them. It’s okay, however. ** ¼.

- Bottom Line: Funny story I’ve heard. See, originally DiBiase was scheduled to win the title here, and Savage was scheduled to be the IC champ after defeating Honky on the Main Event show in February. However, Honky refused to job the title (threatening a jump to the NWA), so the WWF gave the tourney to Savage to compensate. Unfortunately, even though this show has big historical meaning in Savage’s first WWF Title win, it isn’t a very good show. It’s very long, very slow, and filled with bad wrestling. The best match was the main event at ** ¼, and that isn’t a good sign. Overall, not much to see here.

- Recommendation to avoid.


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