HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleFest '88

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleFest 1988. This was a post WrestleMania IV card, which I think was taped specifically for home video and not PPV or anything. Anyway, we’ll see if it sucks or not. 

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Live from Milwaukee Wisconsin, in a big baseball stadium. See, why did they do WrestleMania IV in such a small, ugly building and THEN go to this big stadium? Stupid WWF. Either way, it still looks very cool.

- Your Hosts are Sean Mooney, Alfred Hayes and Scott Steiner … I mean Billy Graham. Get those two confused sometimes. Gee, where’s Gorilla and Jesse?

- Opening Match: The Killer Bees vs. The Rougeau Brothers: Ray and Brunzell start, as we get a wider shot, and can see that this ring looks very, very large. Larger than usual, for whatever reason. That combo goes no where, so Jacques tags in. He lures Brain Blair in, but that goes no where either. Oddly, the Bee’s have ¾ pants on here, which looks exceptionally gay and/or nerdy. Even Sean Mooney mentions them. (When Sean Mooney’s taking shots at you, it might be time to rethink your life)  And when Sean Mooney is calling you a geek, you’re in deep shit, bottom line. (See?) Ray tags back in after some comedy match aspects, and Brunzell gets in too. Ray does a leg lock, and brings Jacques in for a wishbone spot. He holds the leg lock, and then tags Ray in to do his leg lock. The point of this? Anyway, Jim eventually escapes and tags, and Blair kicks some Canadian ass. They do a wishbone spot on Raymond, and keep working the leg. What’s with all the damn legwork here? The Rougeau’s take a break to stretch out their legs, so Jacques gets rolled up for two. I hate these half wrestling/half comedy formulas. They wrestle around on the mat a bit, now working eachother’s arms, and then they go back to the legs. Gee, pick one guys. It’s not that hard! I’ve decided to stop actually doing play by play for this, and just doing some generalizations, because I’m falling asleep here. Generalization I: The Rougeau’s cheat like bastards, take control, and go to work with their usual crap, mostly on B. Brian Morton. Generalization II: An atomic drop turns the tide, and Brunzell gets the hot tag. He proceeds to clean house. Sadly, that isn’t the end of this match. Generalization III: This match is put out of it’s misery at 13:56, when the Rougeau’s cheat, and do a crossbody on Blair to get the win. Generalization IV: Boy, this really, really sucked. Long, too. – * ½. (This was actually decent, but yeah, it was definitely on the slow side) Weird moment: The Black ring announcer here sounds EXACTLY like Tony Chimell. Now THAT’s weird. It’s like he got thinner and whiter over the years, or something.

- Bret Hart vs. Bad News Brown: This is spilling off of the “trophy incident” at WrestleMania IV. It was also Bret’s first WWF singles push, which wouldn’t last long, as he went back to tagging with Neidhart soon after. The real thing wouldn’t come until three years later, after WrestleMania VII. Big pop for him, however. Bad News controls to start, but Hart outsmarts him, and beats him into the corner. He hip tosses him out, and hits a slam. An elbow connects, as the crowd gets SOLIDLY behind the Hitman. He rakes Bad News’ eyes across the top ring rope, but eats boot off of a corner charge. News heads to the top, but Bret was faking his injury, and slams him off! His 2nd rope elbow gets two, and a snap suplex follows. Backbreaker gets stopped mid-way through, however, as News pokes the eyes. Looks like the 5-moves weren’t quite down in any kind of order yet, or excellently executed, as Bad News was able to get the best of Bret. A lariat takes Hart’s head off, but he misses the Ghetto Blaster (enzuiguri), and then gets backdropped to the floor by the Hitman. Bret dives out after him, in a spot we’ve all seen 100 times, but was pretty innovative back in the day. Back in, Hart gets a crossbody off of a criss cross for two, so Bad News dumps him out. Bret quickly comes back in with a sunset flip for two, and hits a backbreaker (called a side suplex by Mooney) for two. Roll-up nearly gets three, so Bad News rolls through, and hooks the tights for the win at 6:25. Jim Neidhart runs out to argue over the holding of the tights, which distracts Bad News long enough for Bret to beat him up in revenge. Fine, fine match, quite ahead of it’s time, but a little bit too short. ** ¾. These two got used to eachother in Stampede, so were able to pull these near-*** matches with eachother out of a hat at this point.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Honky Tonk Man vs. Jim Duggan: On his way to the ring, Honky promises to Mean Gene that he will overcome his “thoughest challenge to date.” Gee, the talent must have been REALLY thin in 1988, huh? Honky fears Duggan, so he bails out, but eventually gets caught during a chase, and Duggan decks him. He gets tossed into the corner, and Hacksaw does the 10-punch count. Damn, Duggan is pretty damn over, isn’t he? A clothesline puts Honky down, so he bails out to have a conversation with Jimmy Hart. Jim knocks their heads together as a result, but Honky outsmarts him on the way back in (not a hard feat), and chokes away. Jim starts randomly no-selling, however, so Honky rakes the eyes. That no-sell bug awakens again, and Hacksaw clotheslines the hell out of him. He goes for the 3-point stance, but Jimmy Hart trips him up to earn a DQ at 4:03. Afterwards, Duggan kicks some ass. Man, three heels have went over in a row, and twice the faces got retribution in the end. Just have the faces go over clean, damn it! A sure DUD, but Duggan was trying, and looked motivated, which is always a good thing.

- Odd moment, as we get a shot of the stadium, and you can see that the “floor level” (which is right on the baseball field) is pretty damn tiny, as they didn’t fill the whole field up (not even ¼ of it, actually), and the middle and upper levels are packed on one side, but empty on the others. Oh well.

- The Bolsheviks vs. The Powers of Pain: Oh this has “classic” written all over it. Oddly, when Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem, the crowd actually stands in attention! Now THERE’S something you don’t see everyday. The Powers (who are faces now, apparently) kill the Russians right away, and knock them to the floor, where they stall. Nikolai officially starts with the Barbarian, and they do nothing but stall. Boris gets tagged in, and Barbie kills him with shoulderblocks. A low blow looks to turn the tide, but Barbarian still hits a powerslam for two. The Russians bail again, which was the style of the 1980’s. Heels bailing. Get used to it. Anyway, Volkoff and Warlord have a test of strength, and despite all the “dirty Russian cheating” the Warlord wins anyway. Barbie gets back in, and gets the Ricky Morton roll, as the heels dominate him. Barbarian comes back with a clothesline, but the crowd is distracted with something going on by the entrance way. Wonder what it was. (Hopefully something better than this match)  Everyone brawls (with no one watching), and the Powers hit a powerslam/flying headbutt combo (impressive one, too) for the win at 6:48. ¼*, but the crowd loved it.

- Jim Neidhart vs. Lanny Poffo: Poffo looked positively Mexican at this point. He also has frizbee’s to throw to the crowd. Hey, if the Dynamic Dudes didn’t get over with the beach bum gimmick, neither will you! Now go back to your World Champion brother’s house, and mooch. He even tests out a piece of his Genius gimmick, by reading poems. They aren’t heel-ish, however, so he’s still just a gay face. Jim (also a face) tries to jump him, but fails, and Lanny tries a moonsault. It hits the knees (as always), however, and Jim beats him down with heel offense. I guess he wasn’t used to the face turn yet. He misses a corner charge, and Poffo hammers away on the Anvil. He walks right in to a powerslam, however, and Jim gets a very heel-ish win at 2:34. Just another quick DUD.

- Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts: This is coming off of the “Rude loves Jake’s wife” angle, which had the crowd SUPER-pumped. Unfortunately, as these two proved at WrestleMania IV and The Best of the WWF XVIII that they suck against eachother. We’ll see how this turns out. Jake jumps Rude during his pre-match pose, and kicks his ass. What I never got about Rude was how he was so beautifully cut, but had NO size. I mean, he had chicken legs, and a small physic. Get some steroids or something, man! Anyway, continuing my 80’s heel philosophy, Rude bails out at every turn. Once he gets in, however, cheap cheating gets him control, and he goes to the chinlock. Great. Chinlocking. Gotta love that! I mean, you’re a big heel. You’ve just taken control of a match that’s in a hot feud. What do you do? CHINLOCK! It’s like Buff Bagwell in the 80’s, or something. (I’m guessing this was written in 2001, then)  Jake powers his way out, but gets clotheslined for two. Rude, again in control, does nothing to impress me. Oooh, a head-vice! NOW, I’m pumped. He decides that even THAT is too good for the paying fans, and changes it to a chinlock. What is this, WrestleMania IV? Eventually, he wises-up, and uses the bottom rope for leverage. Unfortunately, the camera crew misses it every time. Lousy half-ass camera crew. Roberts comes back (or at least mildly tries to), but he’s pretty hungover, and wants more rest. The chinlock stays on, as a result, to my extreme excitement. He finally gets the balls to make the comeback, but eats knee on a corner charge. Rude, like a snake (oh, the irony), sneaks up for a neck snap, and then sneaks to the top rope. He drops a hard knee from there, and poses. He arrogantly covers, so Roberts rolls him up for two. Rick is running out of ideas, however, so he just simply punches for a while. Jake comes back, but more punches stifle that. Rick gets crotched, popping the crowd, and NOW Jake makes the real comeback. He tries the DDT, but Rude holds onto the ropes, so Jake kicks him off. Rude’s ass gets exposed (as it always does), and the DDT hits, but the ref. gets tripped up, and Rude crashes onto him during the DDT. Contrived? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Jake continues to hammer, and clotheslines the ravishing one to the floor. He wakes the ref. up, as Rick runs away, so Jake beats him up in the isle. Apparently, the result was a double count-out at somewhere around 15:45. Gee, why do 15-minutes of crap, instead of 6-minutes of nice action? Afterwards, Rude gets the snake thrown on him, in more face retribution. DUD, and a REALLY long DUD, too.

- Loser Has to Wear a Weasel Suit Match: The Ultimate Warrior vs. Bobby Heenan: Okay, where’s Jim Cornette? Heenan, as usual, runs like hell, while Warrior (as usual) acts like a complete moron. Warrior eventually catches him, and does some choice ass whopping, mostly consisting of corner smashes. Hey, that works real well for the crowd, but not for me! Bobby gets a shot with a foreign object, which Jim doesn’t quite know how to sell, so Bobby does it a few more times. Still, he doesn’t know how to sell. Warrior (after what appears to be a tape cut), comes back and hammers the Brain. A sleeper (???) (Uh, yeah, a sleeper. Which makes total sense considering the stipulations. Ass.) gets hooked on, and ends it, at 4:18. DUD, but the crowd enjoyed it. Afterwards, Warrior puts the Weasel suit on the Weasel. Man, the crowd just eats it all up with a spoon.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Demolition vs. The British Bulldogs: The Demo’s are fresh off beating Strike Force for the belts at WrestleMania. Davey starts with Smash, and they trade punches. Smash wins with a knee lift, but Smith hits a rolling sunset flip for two. He gets arm-barred by Smash, but does the Owen Hart-flip out spot, and tags Dynamite. The Kid arm bars Smash, but is too small, and gets pushed into the heel corner. Ax gets in, and stomps the crap out of the Kid. He gets caught with an axe handle off a criss cross for two, and he hooks the arm bar. A criss cross leads to a slam by Ax, and they work the back of the Kid. Dynamite Morton gets put in the head-vice, but manages a small package for two. He still gets suplexed, however, and the champs toss him to the floor. Nothing happens out there, however, and they just pull him back in. Well THAT was pointless. Davey makes the hot tag, and cleans house. A backdrop on Ax gets two, and the Kid gets tagged back in. HE’s a house of fire, too, and snap suplex gets him two. A Davey Boy assisted flying headbutt gets two, and everyone brawls. Dynamite hooks a REAL abdominal stretch on Smash, and in the confusion, Ax smashes him with Mr. Fuji’s cane to get the win at 7:08. Nothing to see here. ¼*.

- Dino Bravo vs. Ken Patera: Oddly, one of the security guys on the way to the ring is none other than “Dr. Death” Steve Williams! Patera jumps him before the bell, and hammers away. Some Olympian. Where’s Kurt Angle to kick his ass? Secondly, notice how in 1988 an Olympic athlete is a face, and today he’s a heel? To quote Moe from ‘The Simpsons’: “You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society!” Anyway, if you care about this match, Patera’s offense lasts all of six seconds, and Bravo takes over with kicks and punches. Ken tries to make a comeback with a clothesline, and a small package gets him two. It doesn’t last, however, as he misses a corner charge, and gets sidewalk slammed by Bravo to end this at 3:29. Yet another DUD.

- Main Event: Cage Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant: Looks like we’re not showing Savage/DiBiase. Too bad. (Gotta leave time for those classic Patera/Bravo matches, fool!)  Big ass pop for Hogan, as EVERYONE loves the Hulkster at this point. They start with both guys choking eachother at the same time, which Andre easily wins. He takes Hogan’s shirt, and chokes him with that, and despite how exciting that sounds, it isn’t. Bad start, as the crowd usually likes a faster paced start. Hogan comes back with punches, and he chokes Andre with his boot. More choking occurs (because you KNOW it’s gold) as Andre does it with the shirt again. He chops the Hulk, and goes for the door, but Hogan stops him. Andre hooks a bear hug, which Hogan breaks with punches, and starts to climb. He gets no where, however, as Andre pulls him right back down. He drops an elbow, and goes to the door again, but Hulk’s on him. Hogan uses a standing side headlock, as they seam to be actively killing this crowd. Andre manages to get the turnbuckle pad off, and he rams the Hulkster into it. That busts him open, so Andre uses some headbutts on the big man. He goes for the door again (since he obviously can’t climb), but Hulk grabs a leg. Man, put this match out of it’s misery already! Hogan must have heard me (This match sucked so bad, I was yelling through time to stop it), because he starts clotheslining and chopping the Giant. He gets him down with a big clothesline, and drops the big leg, but Heenan runs in to attack him. He gets his ass kicked, too, but it allows Andre to recover. Hogan ties him up in the ropes, however, and climbs out to win at 9:51, and get a big pop. - ***, but the crowd loved the ending.

- Bottom Line: The star ratings say it all, don’t they? The atmosphere of a big stadium show is always fun, but this just isn’t worth watching. Plus they cut DiBiase/Savage, which I’ve heard was pretty damn good. (Seriously! Who cuts out the WWF Title match but leaves in Dino Bravo/Ken Patera, or Jim Neidhart/Lanny Poffo? Ridiculous)

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.