HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Wrestling Classic

- The HITMAN383 Rant for the WWF Wrestling Classic. This was the first ever wrestling PPV (from November 1985), and was basically a 16-man tournament that didn’t really have any other point than to put SOMETHING out there. Still, it’s pretty historic so why not? 

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Chicago, Illinois (were all my rants seem to be emanating from lately).

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon, Alfred Hayes & Susan Something-or-other. They’re there to point to the brackets and provide “in-depth” analysis. Such a hard job that we needed THREE people to do it.

- Commentary is done by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, thank G-D.
- Highlights of the “random draw” from earlier on.

- Opening First Round Match: Corporal Kirchner vs. Adrian Adonis: The Corp surprises Adonis with some armdrag (I’m not sure WHY it surprised him, but Monsoon said so, so I’ll take that). Headlock, but Adonis suplexes out, and hits an elbow smash. Elbow drop follows, and he hooks a chinlock. Oh COME ON! DDT hits, and Adonis gets the pin at 2:36. Well that was brisk. And it had to be, considering they needed to do a 16-man (!!) tourney, and a WWF title match, all in 2 hours. DUD. (Seriously, that’s ridiculous booking. Just cut it down to eight-men, or do an extra hour, because no one wins with two minute matches except uber-casual fans who just want to see a bunch of guys)

- First Round Match: The Dynamite Kid vs. Nikolai Volkoff: Both sides draw big heat, although different kinds, of course. Volkoff is REALLY hated, and Kid is cheered like nuts. Nikolai is busy singing the Russian National Anthem, so Dynamite goes up top, hits a gorgeous, gorgeous missile dropkick, and gets the win at :07. DUD, but who cares?

- First Round Match: Ivan Putski vs. Randy Savage: Good heal heat for the Macho Man, who was still a newcomer at this point. Stall fest to start, and Savage keeps bailing out, trying to throw Ivan off. Criss cross allows Putski a shoulderblock, and he rams Macho into the corner. Savage comes back with an eye gouge, but gets punched in the head, and rammed into the mat. He beats him in the corner, and tries to inject some steroids at the same time, so Savage rolls him up (with two feet on the ropes, of course) for the pin at 2:46. Another quick DUD.

- First Round Match: Ricky Steamboat vs. Davey Boy Smith: Hell yes! Hopefully this’ll get some time. They trade wristlocks to start, and a reversal sequence leads to a hip toss by Smith. A REAL backdrop suplex (a guy in backdrop position on your back, and upside down, and you drop back with him) for two, so Ricky bridges out into a backslide for two. I honestly don’t know why Scott Keith (A rare and true gentlemen who often goes out of his way to nurture other artists,  and very influential on my style)  calls a belly-to-back suplex (or a side suplex) a backdrop suplex, but that’s his prerogative. (I dunno, maybe ‘cause that’s an appropriate, Japanese-style term for it? Of course, I came up with Vince McMahon on commentary, and will always know it as a ‘side suplex’) Criss cross allows Davey a press slam for two, and he hooks a front facelock, which he turns into another press slam! That gets two, so he goes back to the facelock. Suplex fails, so Ricky hits his own hanging vertical version. Splash hits the knees, so Smith hits a series of dropkicks, but misses the third, knocking into the ropes, and the ref stops this at 2:54 because Davey’s too hurt to continue. WAY, WAY, WAY too short, but pretty fine for the time. **.

- First Round Match: The Iron Sheik vs. The Junkyard Dog: Sheik jumps him from behind to start, and goes to work, choking him with his robe, and then his headdress. JYD starts no selling at a random interval, and hammers away with some headbutts, so Sheik bails out. Back in, Dog hits a clothesline for two, but misses a falling headbutt. Sheik with the camel clutch, but it’s ULTRA weak, so he lets off. Punches and chokes follow, but Dog headbutts him for the pin at 3:28. DUD.

- First Round Match: Terry Funk vs. Moondog Spot: Both guys say they don’t wanna wrestle eachother, and start to walk out, but it’s a trick by Funk, as he nails him in the aisle, and runs back to beat the count. Spot stops him, however, and gets in first to win by count-out at :26. DUD, but cute.

- First Round Match: Don Muraco vs. Tito Santana: Tito was the IC champ at this point, but this isn’t over that belt. Don dominates to start, with his usual fare of punches and kicks. Tito manages a flying forearm for two, however, and a sunset flip gets another two. Backslide for two, and he hammers the Rock in the corner, then makes him take a Flair flip. Whoa. Armbar lasts a short while, but Don escapes by dropping him neck first on the ropes. Clothesline and an elbow drop, followed by a kneedrop for two. Powerslam for two, but the feet are on the ropes, only the ref counts three. He realizes he made a mistake, but doesn’t tell Don about it, allowing Tito to cradle him for the real pin at 4:08. Well that was a cheep ending to a decent enough match! * ¾.

- Backstage, Gene Okerlund is with Bobby Heenan, who talks trash to Paul Orndorff. Apparently, Heenan has a $50,000 bounty on Paul, and whoever beats him, gets it. You go, Archie! (Bobby Heenan used to remind me of a (slightly) less racist Archie Bunker – especially since I had gotten into All in the Family around this period)

- First Round Match: Bob Orton vs. Paul Orndorff: They fight over an armbar to start, which Paul pretty easily wins. Atomic drop, and he works the casted arm of the Cowboy. Criss cross allows Ace a mat-based headlock, but Orndorff goes right back to the wristlock. Yes, a wristlock is gonna work THROUGH A CAST. Dumb ass. But the crowd is buying it, and Bobby is selling it, so I guess I’ll go with it. Mr. Wonderful runs into a knee off of a corner charge, and gets another knee dropped on his face. He drops Paul on the ropes, but gets sunset flipped for two, as Jesse tells us that even though we cheer him now, Orndorff is a prick, and is not to be trusted. If only Hulk Hogan listened (…). Chinlock, but he gives up on that, and hooks a headscissors, then gives up on that, and backslides him for two. He misses a flying headscissors, however, and Orndorff goes to work. Back elbow connects, as the crowd gets pumped up. Faceslam, and he decks him over the top, and to the floor. Paul follows, and drives him back in, but Orton preps something in his cast. He nails him with it in front of the ref, however, and gets DQ’d at 6:28, drawing a big pop for Paul. Decent enough, *.

- Vince, Alfred and Susan review what we have seen so far. Hayes keeps touching poor Susan, and she ends up having to stroke his crotch to get him off. Great, now I won’t sleep at night for a month. (Yeah, the amount of sexual harassment that poor woman endured during this show is alone worth sitting through it)

- Second Round Match: Adrian Adonis vs. The Dynamite Kid: Criss cross allows Adrian a shoulderblock, and another allows Dynamite a series of armdrag. Adonis bails out, of course, but comes back in with an elbow smash. Slingshot into the post, and a slam for two, as Ventura leaves to go talk with the Macho Man for some reason. Suplex gets two, and he applies a chinlock, so Kid side suplexes out. He misses a splash, however, and Adrian works the left knee. Sharpshooter applied (albeit very poorly), but Dynamite makes the ropes. Adonis corners him, and charges, so Dynamite does an AMAZING sunset flip for two, and then posts him! Clothesline, and a 2nd rope kneedrop gets two. Snap suplex and a falling headbutt, so Jimmy Hart pops up on the apron, distracting the Kid. That allows Adrian to roll him up for two, only to get tossed into Hart, and pinned at 5:25. Hot start, dull mid-section, hot finish. *.

- Mean Gene is with Jesse Ventura, who promises a win for Randy Savage. Gee, is Savage on disability or something? He can’t promise his own win?

- Second Round Match: Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat: Macho and Liz pull a WrestleMania IV, and come out in new outfits. (Or at WrestleMania IV, then ‘pulled’ a Wrestling Classic would be more appropriate)  Savage jumps him, but takes a series of chops, and bails out. He drags Steamboat out with him, and does some token punches, then rolls him in for more of the same. He corners Ricky, but Steamboat headscissors him over the top, and to the floor. Man, I’ve never seen that one before! Atomic drop on the outside, and inside, the Dragon hits a big chop. Side suplex by Macho, as Ventura returns to commentary. Upstairs, he tries an axehandle, but gets nailed by the Dragon. He unloads on the Macho Man, and hits a big suplex. Up top, he hits a flying bodypress for two. Chops, so Savage grabs something from his tights, and bops Steamboat with it during a side suplex for the pin at 3:23. Too short, but still fun. * ¾. They’d have a classic later on at WrestleMania III, but this was just a small TASTE of what they could do together. (Criminally short, but it didn’t stop them from trying)

- Second Round Match: Moondog Spot vs. The Junkyard Dog: Spot jumps him, and punches away, but misses a big 2nd rope splash. Dog with some headbutts, and he covers, but there’s no ref, so he counts his own fall at :32. Uh … okay. And they say Vince Russo is a nutcase in his booking ideas. He’s got NOTHING on the 1980s! (Yeah, but they had boatloads of coke to blame it on, what’s Russo’s excuse?)  DUD, but thank G-D is was short.

- Backstage, Gene is with Heenan again. He’s scouting talent, and promises Tito the 50 grand if he can put out Mr. Wonderful. He also say’s Piper’s gonna win the WWF title tonight, but that one remains to be seen. (One thing I used to do that I tend to gloss over these days is cover all the backstage bits. I should start doing that again)

- Second Round Match: Paul Orndorff vs. Tito Santana: Handshake to start, as Jesse speculates weather or not he’ll try for the 50 grand by injuring Paul. “There’s no one in Mexico that can’t be bought, especially this Taco salesmen from Tiawana!” Jesse’s a riot. I mean, you talk about Paul Heyman and Jerry Lawler, but neither even compare. (No you, really can’t. Jesse was in a class all his own, and his racism was and is hilarious)  Long side headlock by Santana to start, and he turns that into a headscissors. Talk about a slow start! Monsoon and Jesse then get into a funny argument over what was in Savage’s tights in his earlier match, just because Jesse and Gorilla are THE BEST. Orndorff with a hammerlock, since this is face/face, and therefore has to be on the mat the whole time. Yawn. Another headlock by Tito, as the crowd sleeps, so Orndorff atomic drops him. Drop toe hold, and he hooks an anklelock. This is such a boring match, that HAD potential! If only it wasn’t face/face! Paul knocks him out to the floor, and they have a slugfest out there, leading to both being counted out at 8:06. Boring, and a total DUD.

- The horny trio review the standings again, as Hayes kisses poor Susan. No wonder she didn’t stick around too long. Poor woman … she should sue! (Sue Sue Superfly?)

- Backstage, Hogan gets ready for his title defense. (See, this is why I gloss over this stuff today.)

- WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Roddy Piper: Even in 1985, Roddy was starting to get some minor face pops because he was so freakin’ cool. Still, Hogan is clearly the fan favorite. They brawl to the floor right away, where the champ wins a slugfest. Inside, both men rake the eyes, which the challenger wins. He sends some chops into the throat, but takes a cross corner clothesline. Side suplex from Hogan (in the early 80s he was still pretty decent, moveset-wise) (You know he got bad when I’m impressed with him using a basic side suplex), and a slam follows. A series of elbow drops connect, and he works him over in the corner, only to take a thumb to the eyes. Roddy goes to the 2nd turnbuckle, and leaps, only to be caught in a bearhug, which he breaks with a thumb to the eye. Gee, enough of that trick already. Punches get some two counts, as a “Hogan” chant breaks out in Chicago! (!) Sleeper, and the arm drops twice, but … amazingly … he powers out on the third. Wow, never seen that one before. How innovative. (I have a love/hate relationship with those spots because, yes, they’re effective as a comeback spot, but at the same time I remember having a camp counselor basically use that as proof that wrestling was fake when I was little… and I had no counter)  Both men tumble out during Hulk’s escape attempt, and Hogan posts him, so Roddy starts hammering. It all gets no sold, however, and we have a slugfest inside. Hogan wins, and hits the big boot, and then an atomic drop. Criss cross leads to a ref bump, allowing the challenger to snag a chair. He works Hogan over with it, but Hogan stops him, and whacks him himself. Sleeper of his own applied, as the ref wakes up, but in runs Bob Orton to nail him with his cast, and earn the champ a DQ win at 7:15. The heels go to work, so Paul Orndorff makes the save, and they pose for a while. Decent, but nothing special. ¾*.

- Semi-Final Match: The Dynamite Kid vs. Randy Savage: Can you say HELL YES? New outfits for the “Macho duo,” which is my code for Liz’s rack, and not she and Randy. Some false tie-ups to start, and they jock for position on the mat, and Randy simply cannot win, so he bails out to threaten the fans. Back in, Randy plays the Memphis heel to a “T.” They jock for position again, and Randy decks him while the ref is trying to get in between. Elbow smash by Macho, but he gets nailed by the Kid. Criss cross allows Dynamite a hard shoulderblock, and a backdrop. Gorilla on the backdrop: “did he shoot him up there, or did he shoot him up there?” Considering who it is, make your own tasteless joke … the Union doesn’t require me to do more than just set it up. Now lets vote left-wing, shall we? Anyway, Kid hits a bodypress (and a nice one, at that) for two, and another criss cross allows Kid a sunset flip, so Randy decks him. He misses another bodypress, and a double clothesline kills both guys. The crowd is gone, for whatever reason. Randy recovers first, and goes up top, but gets dropkicked into a crotched position, popping the crowd. Super duper-plex hits, but on the mat Randy cradles him, and gets the win at 4:51 to advance to the finals and face the JYD (who has a bye to the finals). WAY disappointing, but a couple nice spots. *. (Again, criminally short, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t try)

- Backstage, Gene catches up with Hogan, who apparently has just gotten out of the shower with Paul Orndorff. Eww. He’s pissed at Piper, BTW. Paul then comes out to pose a little, as Hulk claims that he and Paul need to “watch eachother’s backs.” Again, EWW!

- Finals Match: Randy Savage vs. The Junkyard Dog: A 4th outfit makes it’s debut. The title match really should have come right before this, to give Macho a little rest. They prove me right, right off the bat, as Savage stalls forever. Randy starts off by trying a slam, but he fails, and JYD starts with the headbutts. Atomic drop, and he hooks a bearhug, giving Randy some more rest. Eye rake breaks the hold, as Mean Gene arrives to do commentary. Great. More headbutts by Dog, as he works the back, officially boring me. Randy comes back with a clothesline (which Dog TRIES to sell, but doesn’t quite know how) and gets two. Savage dumps him out, and drops an axehandle, because he’s the MACHO FREAKIN’ MAN! He posts him, then follows up with another axehandle off the top to the floor, wowing the crowd. He “nails” him with a weak chair shot, and then chokes him on the rail, as Dog tries his hardest to sell. Back inside, he heads upstairs, but gets nailed during the axehandle attempt. Headbutts follow, which gets Macho tied up in the ropes, and allows Dog to hammer away a little bit. Randy rakes the eyes upon escaping, and charges, but takes a backdrop to the floor, and gets counted out at 9:43. I don’t blame them for not jobbing him, but I’d still like a clean ending. Afterwards, while the JYD is giving his victory speech, Jesse comes in and complains about how he only had to wrestle three times, and Savage four. Nothing abounds, however. Total nothing match here. DUD.

- The trio wrap up.

- Bottom Line: Wrestling-wise, you aren’t missing much. History-wise, you’re missing a ton. Plus, nothings too long (so it wouldn’t suck too much) (Of course, it also means nothing is actually, you know, good), and some great wrestlers (Savage, Dynamite) wrestle a bunch of times (For a total of, like, six minutes each), so how can you REALLY lose? It IS pretty hard to find, however, (Not anymore, but yeah, back in the pre-YouTube days this was a bitch to find – something else I have a love/hate relationship with, as the ‘chase’ was half the fun)  but if you do, pick it up for historical value alone.

- Recommended.