Those who have been following me for years and years likely
remember that I used to post wrestling reviews on an Angelfire site called
‘HITMAN383’s Rant Center’ back in the late 1990s and early 2000s – mostly to
entertain by school pals. When I started up BUExperience, I thought about
copying and pasting some of those reviews, but ten years had passed since the
last one I did (fall 2002), and so much had changed (both in terms of the world
of wrestling, and for me personally) that it almost felt like reading someone
else’s work entirely. It was raggedy, to say the least.
Now that we’re over a year into this new project, I thought
it would be fun to put up some of the old stuff, unedited, warts and all. I
warn you: these were done when I was still in high school – they are not what I
consider my best work. But, in many ways, it was more ‘balls to the wall’ fun
than some of my newer stuff.
To spice things up, I will also be going along and adding
thoughts to the review. These thoughts can be found edited into the review in
italicized bold.
Let’s get started!
- Starting my next piece, I'm going thru ALL the
WrestleMania's I-XV and XVI if I can get a copy from my friend. (That would place this in 2000)
- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent **** - Very Good
*** - Good **- Okay * - Decent DUD - Awful.
- Live from New
York, New York, in
the very dark MSG.
- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, Mean
Gene.
- A SO 80's opening package to start. I mean SO 80's. Vince
basically just tells all the matches, with a graphic behind it. Whoa.
- Gene sings the National Anthem. As good as you could
expect. Whoa, Finkel with HAIR. As I go thru all the Mania's, we'll track his
hair loss development.
- Opening Match: Tito Santana vs. The Executioner:
Wow, someone announced with "parts unknown, weight unknown." Gotta
miss that. Tito gets a good pop, and Rose is damn skinny. They start off fast
and Tito dumps him to the floor. Damn those ropes are LOOSE. (Mick
Foley: don’t touch them!) Santana then slows it down, with a side
headlock, and does that for a few minutes. He liked that at WM VIII with HBK
too. Rose breaks out, but Tito keeps working him over. Executioner cheats to
win, and hits a big knee. IT'S TRIPLE H! (Man, even then making fun of Triple H was
en vogue. Some things really never change) Sorry, got carried away
there. He works the leg, but it backfires, and Santana hammers him. Backdrop
turns the tide, and Executioner goes up top, but gets slammed off. IT'S RIC
FLAIR! Again got carried away, sorry. Santana with the flying forearm, and the
figure four, for the win. Well, it was energetic, that's for sure. * 3/4. (I used to be a lot more liberal with the
star ratings, a trend you’ll continue to see)
- King Kong Bundy vs. SD Jones: Bundy squashes him
with an avalanche and a splash in like 10 seconds DUD.
- Matt Borne vs. Ricky Steamboat: STEAMBOAT BABY! He
isn't "The Dragon" yet, just "Ricky Steamboat." They start
with a lock up, and go with that for a bit, and Steamer chops him down after a
good criss cross. Ricky controls with speed and, HEADLOCKS! Only in the 80's
could you do THAT many headlocks. Borne gains control with an atomic drop, and
works him over. Ricky with a flying chop, and some grounded ones. After a long
headlock portion, Borne hits a belly to belly, and a snap suplex for two. They
trade chops and punches, which Ricky wins, and hits a big side suplex. He
controls with a lot of energy, and gets 2 after a flying knee. Eye rake turns
the tide, but a flying shoulder gets Matt down. Flying bodypress gives Ricky the
win. Not Bad. ** 1/4.
- Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino: Dave has
Bruno, who gets a BIG pop, and Beefcake has Johnny V. They take a LONG time to
get started, a REALLY long time. Once they get started, it goes slow, as Brutus
controls with strength. More stalling by Beefcake. David then comes back with
speed and outsmarting him. They do a slow wrestling sequence which Dave wins,
and Brutus bails. This is NOT MOVING! So much BORING mat stuff. Crowd is gone
too. Sammartino works the arm, but Brutus gets the first offensive move with a
slam, which David cradles and keeps working the arm. This has been going FIVE
minutes, and almost NOTHING has happened. This is like watching high school
wrestling: they do a mat move, let off, tie up, and repeat the same thing. Dave
does a sucky leg lock, which takes another 5 minutes. Eye poke breaks, and
Beefcake controls with some weak offense. Lots of punches and corner working
here, with a few body slams, and arm drags. Dave comes back with a big
backdrop, and works him over. Big suplex gets two, and I realize these two use
the same moves over and over the whole match. It spills outside, and Bruno
beats up Johnny AND Beefcake, and both the faces kick ass, drawing HUGE pops.
Bruno was REALLY over. Result was a double DQ. 1/4 *, really bad. (I
liked this better in the BUExperience – a pretty rare case where I upgraded
anything)
- WWF Intercontinental Title: Greg Valentine vs. Junk
Yard Dog: Man that belt sucks. (I’ve come to have an appreciation for the
old Mulkovich belts since, but yeah, he was no Reggie Parks) Atleast
we'll get a new one by WM II. (… which Randy Savage would promptly destroy
by using Brasso polish on the plates…) Anyone else notice in all the
backstage bits before every match, so-called "hated enemy's" share
the same locker room, right by eachother? Big pop for JYD who is the first
wrestler tonight to have music. Dog plays the crowd to start, and then goes to
work on the arm. Crowd is just *IN TO* JYD. Greg tries to come back, but Dog
hammers him away. Headbutts by JYD gets the crowd excited, and Valentine tries
to bail. He comes back in, and works JYD's arm, then takes him down to work the
legs (setting up the figure four, his finisher.) Good psychology, but it's
pretty boring to sit thru. They work to keep the crowd in it, during the leg
working, and do a good job. Figure Four blocked by the Challenger, and Dog
comes back with rights. Big headbutts by JYD kills Greg, and Jimmy Hart gets
involved, which backfires, and JYD goes to work, with the crowd in a frenzy. He
rolls him up (which legs on the 2nd rope) to retain. JYD should have won the
title right there. Tito runs out, and tells the ref. what happened, so he
orders Greg to get back in, but he won't so JYD wins by count-out, so no belt.
Well, he won, but he should have taken the belt. * 1/2.
- WWF Tag Team Titles: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo
vs. Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik: Mike is of course, IRS. (Less
relevant now, but yeah, he still is) The heels try to sing the Soviet National
Anthem, and the crowd nearly riots, and toss crap in the ring. U.S. Express
also gets music and a big pop. The tag titles look like the NWA World title
around 1995. (That’s an oddly specific reference, considering the ‘Ten Pounds of
Gold’ was used many times before and after 1995) Sheik starts with Mike, and headlocks a go-go.
Big criss cross and a big hip toss by Mike. He controls with some fast stuff,
and then they go to the mat for a bit. Back up, and Barry tagged in, and hits a
fist from the top. Heel miscommunication spot pops the Garden, but Barry
doesn't capitalize, and Nick tags in. Mike takes it to him, and gets two off an
elbow. Quick tags by the US Express keeps this match fast moving, as they work
Nick's arm. Volkoff cheats to win, and tags Sheik, who takes it to him with
some quick paced stuff. Gutwrench suplex gets two, and Mike blocks a vertical
suplex, and hits his own. He's too hurt to do anything, and Volkoff tagged in.
He beat the hell out of him, but Mike wrestles his way out, and a sunset flip
gets two. Big knee by Nick turns the tide, and Sheik back in. They double team,
and then hook on an abdominal stretch. Mike breaks, and both tag out. Windham a house of fire
taking Volkoff to school. Big bulldog gets two, as Sheik breaks it up. Big
brawl ensues, with USA
winning, but Sheik hits Barry with a cane, and Nick pins him in short order.
Crowd is NOT pleased, but the match was fun. ***. US Express would get the
titles back shortly.
- $15,000 Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd vs. Andre
the Giant: If Andre slams Studd, he wins the cash, if he can't he retires.
Stephanie McMahon said *THIS* is her favorite match in WM history. Odd
statement. (Stephanie says a lot of things…) The only signs in the crowd are for Andre. G-D
he was HUGE.... HUGE at 7 foot 5 inches. The ref. looks like a midget next to
these two. Studd attacks early on, but Giant chops to take control, and John
bails. Heenan encourages him, but he's reluctant to re-enter. (Jerry
Lawler never has that problem) When he does return, Giant chokes the
life out of him, to the delight of the crowd, then hammers him. Boring
"Andre controls" portion, as he bearhugs, and butt bumps a lot. That
takes a LONG time BTW. Then, out of no where, he slams him to a big pop. He
gets the cash, and tosses it to the fans, but Heenan steels the bag and runs.
Well, this was TOTAL crap, but the crowd loved it. DUD. You can tell Giant is
such a nice guy... after the match, he shakes the ref's hand, Finkel's hand,
and slaps everyones hands on the way back. Man I miss him.
- WWF Women's Title, Leilani Kai vs. Wendi Richter:
Kai has Moolah, and Wendi has Cyndi Lauper. I hate women's wrestling as a rule,
so I'm NOT looking forward to this. Wendi has music, and a big entourage, along
with a giant pop. Jesse "Wendi doin' a lot of bouncing out there..."
okay. They take a LONG time to start, and when they do we go hair pulling.
Wendi takes her down, and they wrestle around. Kai takes over, and they trade
arm holds, which Wendi wins. She controls for a while, but some hair pulling
turns the tide. They are fast paced that's for sure, but it's not like it's
GOOD wrestling. Wendi with a leg scissors to come back, and then gets some
quick two counts off "sort of" suplexes. By that I mean, they were
SUPPOSED to be suplexes, but they kind of weren't. Moolah pulls some hair, and
Lauper attack her. Kai controls with a big boot, but Richter with punches to
come back. Crowd eating it up. Kai with a backbreaker for two, and she controls
for a while. Up top she goes, and hits a flying bodypress, but Wendi reverses
for 3, and a big ovation. It got good towards the end. ** 1/2. (I
must have been giving out ½* per botched spot here, because that’s just an
insane rating) BTW who is David Wolfe?
- Main Event: Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper
& Paul Orndorff: Billy Martin is the ring announcer (with a big pop),
Pat Patterson in the ref, Liberace is the time keeper, and Muhammad Ali is the
outside ref. Man they really went all out with celebs, eh? Loud "Ali"
chant too. Piper and Paul are played down by a line of Bagpipe players, and get
booed out of MSG. Talk about building to a match. Piper wears an "Eye of
the Tiger" shirt, I think to mock Hogan and T's appearance in Rocky III.
They also have Bob Orton with them. Crowd starts getting psyched, and here comes
Hogan and Mr. T to an earth shattering pop. They have Jimmy Snuka, and come out
to "Eye of the Tiger." Hogan starts with Paul, but he refuses to
fight Hogan, and tags Piper. T wants Piper, so Hogan tags him in, and NOW we
start. They trade slaps, and Roddy wrestles him down, but T escapes, shocking
Hot Rod. They stall a bit, but T gets him up in a firemen's carry and slams
him. A big brawl breaks out with all 4, and ALI breaks it up. Whoa, he swings
at Piper and Orton. The heels walk out, and Pat tries to count, but Hulk won't
let him. He wants a fight. They come back, and ANOTHER 4 man brawl breaks out,
which the faces win. Hogan takes it to Piper, and hits a big atomic drop. The
crowd LOVES Hulk. He and Roddy scuffle a bit, then Hogan and T hit a double
clothesline. T takes it to both men, and isn't too bad in there. Hogan tagged
back in, and he and Roddy trade fists, and the big boot puts Piper on the
floor. Cheap shot by Paul dumps Hogan, and Piper nails him with a chair. Rowdy
goes to work, with a bunch of double teaming, as they cut the ring in half. Man
SO many people are at ringside. Mr. T comes in, which allows a double atomic
drop on Hulk. Orndorff works over Hogan, along with a big suplex. Piper in, and
the crowd is really into this match. He hammers Hogan, and gets him down for 2.
Mr. Wonderful back in with an elbow to the neck from up top. It gets two, BTW. (In
case you were wondering) He goes
to work on Hogan, but misses a knee from the top rope. T tagged in, and he
holds off both the heels, but a quick double team puts him down. He and Paul
trade mat wrestling, and then Rowdy tags in, and works on T. It gets slow for
the first time in the match, for a little while, but a tag to Hogan gets the
pace back, and he beats up the heels. Paul with a side suplex, and Orton comes
in, but Snuka hammers him out, and another big brawl breaks out. But a
miscommunication spot allows Hulk to pin Paul to a HUGE ovation. This was VERY
fast paced, and was almost always moving. *** 1/4.
- Bottom Line: Well, it's the first WrestleMania EVER.
Definitely a spectacle and the wrestling wasn't bad, albeit slow at times.
Still, for history and just a fun show, I like this one. Recommended.
- Next: WrestleMania II!
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