HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1989

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1989. I was going to do the latest ECW DVD “The Best of Cactus Jack,” but that one will just have to wait a while, because 80s WWF COMES FIRST, damn it!

- Trivia buffs: This is the first Royal Rumble on PPV. There was one on TV the year before, but this is the first BIG one.

- Oh, by the way, I’m totally digging the nWo angle in the WWF right now! (That puts us in early 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Houston, Texas.

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, and Jesse Ventura.

- Opening Six Man Tag Team 2 Out of 3 Falls Match: Dino Bravo & The Rougeau Brothers vs. Jim Duggan & The Hart Foundation: Big pop for the Harts, and Jim Duggan. Neidhart starts with Bravo, and they do a power vs. power showdown. Jesse claims Bravo can bench press over 700 pounds, and if that is indeed true, my hats off to Bravo. As someone who works out a lot, let me attest to you that that is a MASSIVE amount weight. Anyway, the Anvil wins their little match, and tags Duggan, which prompts Dino to tag Raymond. That doesn’t go well for the French-Canadian, and Duggan tags in Bret to keep the hurt on. Inside cradle gets Hart two, and a sunset flip gets two. Bodypress for two, and Hart is on fire! (I think that was a reference to the old NBA-Jam game, and if it wasn’t, I’m retroactively making it one because that game was AWESOME!) Tag to Jacques draws boos, for breaking up the good little mini-match that was going on there. Clothesline by the Hitman, and he beats him into the corner, so Ray runs in. That fails, so EVERYONE runs in, and the faces beat up the heels in the corner, cleaning house. Crowd likes that. Back to Jacques/Hart, and Bret gets dumped over the top, because Ray pulled down the ropes. Sidewalk slam by Bravo, and he tags the Rougeaus to hit their butt bomb spot to win the first fall at 4:30.

- Bret and Jacques start the second fall, and Jacques hooks a Sid-style chinlock. Okay, big logic gap there. Why not just hit a move, and pin the injured Hart for the win? They redeem it somewhat, however, with the Rougeaus doing the blind switches behind the refs back. Jacques with a Boston crab now, as the second fall is not going well to start, with Bret playing Ricky Morton, and not much excitement going on. Bret makes a blind tag to Neidhart, with Ray distracting the ref, as this becomes more of a tag team match with Bravo and Duggan as non-factors. They’ll probably play a part in the ending, however. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Less Duggan/Bravo is a good thing. Partner assisted abdominal stretch keeps Bret in his place, and a superkick by Ray gets two. Slam, but Bret topples him for two, so he gets put in the corner for some abuse. He blocks a monkey flip, however, and Hart hits an atomic drop. Crowd likes that. Hot tag to Duggan, who cleans house on all three heels, leading to the faces coming in, and in the confusion, Duggan pins Raymond at 10:10.

- Bret, bless his heart, is still selling the beating he took on the outside, as Duggan hammers Ray. Today, the beating would have been forgotten five seconds after it happened, and Bret would be back in going to work. (Eh, he was in there with Dino Bravo, he may have just been legitimately injured) That’s why, today, no one is even NEAR the level of Bret Hart. The heels works Duggan over for a while, using every cheap trick in the book (which I can appreciate) to do it. Hot tag to Bret, who has had enough time to recover from the beating (hey, it wasn’t a hellacious beating, or anything), and kicks Bravo’s ass. Backbreaker, and he goes for he 2nd rope elbow, but Ray knocks him off. That brings the Anvil in, and in the confusion, Duggan whacks Bravo with the 2x4, and Bret pins him at 14:54 to win the match. Was Neidhart even needed here? I’m not sure I can really appreciate the fact that this was 2/3 falls, but it still was an energetic opener, that’s for sure. *. (Though I usually tended to overrate things in the HITMAN383 days, this one was definitely short-changed)

- Backstage, Ted DiBiase draws his number, and gets very angry, so he brings Slick in, and makes some kind of deal with him. The Bushwhakers also draw, but don’t seem to know how to count. Honky Tonk Man looks very angry with his, as does Bad News Brown. Wait, no, Bad News was happy. Hard to tell, sometimes. (Just ask Andre) The Demos aren’t too happy with their pick, and Jake seems too drunk to know how to draw. But, all cheap shots aside, Roberts was actually really cool at this point.

- Super Posedown: This is basically Rick Rude and The Ultimate Warrior coming out and posing, and whoever gets the better fan response wins. Obviously, Warrior wins. Why? Because he’s foked! (That actually has its own Urban Dictionary page now)  My votes go this way: Warrior wins biceps, Rude wins abs, and Rude wins most muscular, despite Warrior being bigger. Rude gets pissed, since Warrior’s body was built all by steroids, and whacks him with his exercise bar. This, of course, sets up WrestleMania V. A little long (and gay) for what it was, but I can appreciate the set up for WrestleMania.

- WWF Womens Title Match: Rockin’ Robin vs. Judy Martin: Yawn already! I mean, at least today you have some hot ass to look at. Here, it’s ugly, butch ass. Like if Undertaker was a girl. (Now there’s an angle just waiting to happen) Robin screws up an attack right away, and gets clotheslined for a two count. The crowd is dead. Five seconds into the match. And Vince is STILL trying to push the Women’s division TODAY! (And TODAY!)  Poorly done DDT by Robin gets two, as I wonder if Jake gave her some of his “special brew” before the match, or something? Brothers and sisters DO share a lot, after all. Then again, this is JAKE’S family we’re talking about, and they’re not exactly what you’d call “tight knit.” (From what I understand, Jake’s dad did quite a bit of sharing) The girls tire the poor ref with a bunch of “near falls,” which force him to keep jumping down for the count, but none of the spots are worthy of a pop, or a note. Robin eventually wins with a bodypress at 2:41, to give this match a much needed mercy kill. DUD, but at least it was quick. (Heavily clipped… the full version is pretty decent)

- Main Event: The Royal Rumble Match: Looks like we’re cutting Race vs. Haku off the tape, in order to keep the tape under two hours. (Yep) Two minute intervals here, thankfully. Anyway, Ax draws #1, and Smash gets #2, establishing the “every man for himself” theme of the match. Slugfest to start, and they have a weak little “power” match for a little while. Somehow now, I’m glad these two never had a feud together. Oddly, in something that would never really happen again, the intervals are actually LONGER than the promised two minutes, at about 2:15, until Andre the Giant comes down at #3. (Andre was probably cracking up the timekeeper backstage) The Demos attack, of course, and wake up the crowd by going to work on the Giant. #4 is Mr. Perfect, still in the “speedo” tights period. He wasn’t a big star … yet. Proving he’s not perfect, he makes enemies out of everyone, which pisses Andre off enough that he dumps Smash. Hennig and Ax make an alliance (but not an un-holy one) and work over the Giant, until Ax turns on him, and Perfect oversells. Andre wakes up, and headbutts Curt into next week. OVERSELL! Ron Garvin gets #5, and hits Andre so hard he actually gets tangled in the ropes. Why? He’s RUGGED! All three guys try to dump him, but fail, and Andre kicks ALL their asses. Greg Valentine is #6, and helps the now un-holy alliance against the Giant. He’s a CEREBRAL ASSASIN, I tells ya! Garvin gets dumped by the original Big Show, which leads to Valentine working him over, so Andre responds by choking him. Hennig oversells some more offense for anyone who wants, and it’s painfully obvious how MUCH he wants a spot in the WWF, flying around like a PINBALL for the other guys. I guess it worked, too, since it’s 2002, and he’s STILL there, even main eventing RAW a couple weeks ago. Jake Roberts draws #7, and a pop, and goes right for Andre. He gets wasted (well, not literally), until Andre tosses him. #8 is Ron Bass, who does nothing of note. Shawn Michaels (still a Rocker) draws a big pop, and #9, as he goes for the Outlaw. Meanwhile, Hennig dumps Ax, who sets the first “longevity record” with 14:30 minutes. Michaels tries his hand at fighting Hennig, and dropkicks him half out, but he manages to come back in through the ropes. #10 is Butch, of the Bushwhackers. Meanwhile, after going to the back and having a couple of drinks, Jake returns with the snake, and uses it as a penis while hitting on the entire front row, disgusting the old-school Andre enough for him to eliminate himself. It’s Heroes of Wrestling all over again. Honky Tonk Man pulls #11, and does nothing. Too much deadweight here, especially considering that Michaels and Hennig didn’t mean shit at this point, which leaves Honky as the biggest name in this match right now. And that’s not a good thing. Tito Santana draws #12, and gets Curt to oversell some stuff for him. That’s about all he does, spending the rest of the period in a familiar position: getting beat on by Greg Valentine. Bad News Brown draws lucky #13, and goes right for Ron Bass. Meanwhile, Butch and Tito dump Honky, therefore leaving Bad News as the top star in the match. Marty Jannetty gets #14, and runs right into Ron Bass. Shawn helps out, and some double team offense occurs, ridding us of the Outlaw. It should be noted how PUMPED the crowd is to see the Rockers. WWF Champion Randy Savage draws a MASSIVE pop, and #15, and kills Bad News Brown right away. Damn, is he OVER as a face! (And got even MORE over as a heel before they neutered him)  He gets caught in the corner, however, and Valentine works him over. He fights Hennig next, in a dream match anywhere in the world at this point, then switches to Michaels. #16 is Arn Anderson, just as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn go, so Savage gets involved, and teams with Arn to dump the future WWF champ. Foreshadowing the heel turn, maybe? Marty kicks Arn’s ass, in revenge. Tully Blanchard gets #17, as I wish Shawn was still out there. They compensate by allowing the ‘Busters to just KILL Jannetty, and then eliminate him. Hulk Hogan pulls #18, and quickly tosses Hennig. The crowd just LOVES this guy. (Well, that’s why everybody was making boatloads of money in 1989) Tito goes via the ‘Busters, as I await a Mega Powers vs. Brian Busters mini-match. The rest of the guys are just fodder anyway, so just toss ‘em! Hogan teases an elimination, giving the crowd a massive heart attack, and Savage doesn’t bother to help him out, instead fighting Butch. Luke of the Bushwhackers gets #19, just as Butch gets dumped. Hogan nearly kills Tully with a press slam on the top rope, so Blanchard responds by tackling him, and punching the hell out of him. I love the Horsemen! #20 is Koko B. Ware, as Savage teases elimination. Hulk quickly dispatches of the Bird Man, and then dumps Luke in a 2 for 1 special. The ‘Busters go to town on Hogan, as Brown takes on Savage, and in comes Warlord at #21. Hogan tosses both ‘Busters, and then Warlord. Savage and Bad News fight by the ropes, meanwhile, and Hogan runs up and tosses both men out! Savage snaps, of course, and comes back in to go for Hogan. They have a verbal confrontation, which quickly turns physical, so Liz runs out to try to settle them down. The crowd doesn’t quite know what to make of this, but pops big when they eventually make up. #22 is the Big Bossman, in what was a pretty hefty match at the time. Mr. Hogan goes to town, and hits a slam. Bossman comes back with a great piledriver, which Gorilla compensates for by claiming Hogan’s been out there for “a half an hour.” Yeah, more like EIGHT MINUTES! Geez, what’s with the revisionist history of things that happened TWO MINUTES AGO here? (Oh, that’s nothing compared to some of the loads they’ve tried to slip past the audience in the years since) Akeem draws #23, and gets beat on to start, but Hogan eventually gets overpowered, and destroyed. They actually manages to toss him, something that highly surprises me, and then the crybaby pulls Bossman out, and beats him out on the floor. What a punk! I mean, I love(d) Hogan as much as the next guy, but no need to be a baby out there! Especially when you preach fair play. #24 is Brutus Beefcake, who gets pounded on, until Hogan pulls down the top rope, and Bossman falls over the top to the floor. What a freakin’ BABY! And, another thing, Monsoon is SUCH a hypocrite. Always crying when something happens to the faces, and getting all upset when the heels have the same things done to them. Or, when the face cheats, it’s okay with him. I mean, I love him a lot, but that’s just wrong. That’s the kind of roll usually reserved for the color commentators, and Hillary Clinton. Terry Taylor draws #25, and does nothing. The Barbarian gets #26, as this match just dies down. Big mistake by the booking committee here, by blowing their entire Mega Powers load so early in this thing. First, they have them come out too close together (instead of drawing it out), and then they have them leave WAY too early, with like nine to eleven minutes each. If anything, they should have gotten dumped around when the 28th or 30th guy are coming out. (It worked, but yeah, they hadn’t mastered the concept of these things yet) #27 is Big John Studd, who fights with Akeem. Yawn. Hercules draws #28, which doesn’t mean shit. Someone clear the deadweight out, and fast! I mean, who needs Taylor, Beefcake, Barbie or Herc in their anymore? Studd and Akeem I can understand. And, MAYBE, Barbarian, just ‘cause he’s big. Crowd is dead, too. I mean, G-D, did Rockin’ Robin come back out, or something? Rick Martel draws #29, not helping the deadweight situation any. And, finally, Ted DiBiase enters (but doesn’t draw) #30. Likely (in the angle), his spot was either 22 or 23, which really isn’t too bad, all things considered. (Ha, not for the Million Dollar Man)

- DiBiase goes straight for Hercules (his “slave” at the time), which doesn’t go anywhere, so he has a cute series with Taylor, then dumps his chicken ass. Back to Herc. Crowd is gone, with people walking around all over the place. And rightly so. DiBiase manages to dump Herc and Beefcake in one swoop, as Barbarian kills Martel with his entire offense. He misses a charge, however, and Martel pushes him out. Down to Akeem, Studd, DiBiase and Martel. Akeem dumps Martel within seconds, and teams up with DiBiase (who likely bought HIS spot) to work over Studd. As interesting as it sounds. Heel miscommunication allows Studd to dumps Akeem (to a good sized pop), and start after Ted. Studd kills him, obviously, actually busting out a butterfly suplex and a gutwrench suplex in the process! You go Big John! After that, the elimination is academic, and John Studd wins the first PPV Royal Rumble at 63:20. The match sucked before the Mega Powers entered, was pretty good during their period, and sucked afterwards. ** ¼, which is like the bottom of the barrel in Royal Rumbles, since they’re like each automatically ** anyway.

- Backstage, Randy Savage goes over his situation with Hulk Hogan, quoting Jack Woltz from Francis Coppola’s The Godfather along the way.

- Bottom Line: History (first Rumble, dissention in the ranks of the Mega Powers), but other than that, not much. A decent opener, a terrible Womens title match, and a 15-minute flex session. Plus, a pretty crappy Royal Rumble to end the thing. No real reason to see this, which is a shame, since they really had potential to have a good card here, is maybe the Rumble was booked differently.

- Recommendation to Avoid.