HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1997

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1997. Yes, I know, it’s not on the poll, but it’s too close to call that poll right now, so I’ll give you a while longer to decide, and in the meantime do this rant. (This one was originally written in early 2002)

- For those who were lucky enough not to be watching back then, this was during the WWF’s REALLY bad period, with Sid on top, and everyone watching WCW.

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from San Antonio, Texas (with over 60,000 people in the Alamodome … a largely papered, and therefore dead, crowd).

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

- Cool little add for IYH: Final Four. Apparently, it was originally supposed to be Bret vs. Austin vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Sid. Huh.

- Opening WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Triple H vs. Goldust: This feud just seemed to go on, and on, and ON in 1997. It started over Hunter’s wanting Terri, and advanced (at IYH) into revenge for Chyna’s attack. Sort of odd how Goldust, his wife, and HHH are all still in the WWF, albeit in very different roles. (Even weirder that Goldust is STILL there, twelve years later, and still on the active roster) Except Goldust … five years later he’s doing the exact same thing. Goldust attacks him in the aisle during his entrance to start, then tosses him in. He pounds him in the corner, and tosses him to the floor. Into the rail, and inside, the 10-punch count, but HHH atomic drops him after four. Pedigree, but it’s way to early, so Goldust slingshots him over the top to the floor. Outside, Goldust throws the steps on his back. Ouch. He tries to drag the champ back in, but Hunter snaps his neck on the ropes, as Vince delivers (in a serious, “Brian Pillman just died” tone of voice), that George and Adam (two teenage guys who “desperately tried to come to the event”) have been thrown out by security for having too much fun on a 1997 WWF card. Yes, and you, the owner, couldn’t get them back in? Whatever. Anyway, Hunter tosses the challenger into the post, but gets kicked in the ribs, and Goldust uses the stairs. Inside, Goldust beats him up, and stuff. It’s the “and stuff” portion that’s really lacking, however. Mostly boring knee working. Figure four gets Dustin a couple two counts, and he uses the ropes, despite being a face. Hunter bails, so Goldust follows, and clips the knee out. Kneebreaker into the stairs, and inside he misses a bodypress, knocking him to the floor (please note, that all these things you read are coming about two minutes apart, and are EXTREMELY boring to sit through. Please don’t think this is a good match). Outside, Hunter tosses him into the rail and steps, while selling the knee injury. Good job, Hunter. It’ll pay off for you later, big guy. He grabs Terri’s director chair, but the ref takes it away from him, so he rams him into the rail. Meanwhile, Todd Petingill is in the audience with some country singer, and we cut away to watch Todd interview him. Man, you KNOW you’re in trouble when they cut away from your match to interview some no-name singer. (And during the opening match, no less) Inside, Goldust with a jumping clothesline, and a backdrop. Upstairs, he gets crotched, so Hunter tries a superplex, but gets tossed. Goldust tries a flying elbow, but misses, and Hunter snags the IC belt. Terri complains about it, so Hunter steals a kiss, allowing Goldust to whack him with the belt. Cover, but Mr. Hughes (HHH’s 2nd) pulls him out. Goldust goes after him, so Hunter nails him from behind (eww!), and hits the pedigree to retain at 17:06. Damn it, that was a BORING opening match. Who the hell’s idea was that? And SEVENTEEN MINUTES?!? DUD.

- Pre-Royal Rumble comments: Bret Hart, Mankind give their thoughts.

- Ahmed Johnson vs. Faarooq: This started in June of 1996, when Faarooq debuted (along with his bluehelmet), and ruptured Ahmed’s kidney’s. And NOW they have the blow off, seven months later, due to an injury on Johnson’s part. Still, a hot feud. (I was really into this feud as a kid, but even I was getting tired of it by the time they got around to having actual matches between the two) Ahmed, for those who weren’t around during this time period, Ahmed was massively over in the WWF, despite no one really understanding half a word he said. It was kind of the Bill Goldberg effect … being an unstoppable monster made him over. (That, and his epic wedgies) This is also the battle of the ass, to see which one of these two has the bulkier, fatter ass. It’s a tight (or should a say flabby?) race to be sure. Ahmed spears him to start, and hammers away. He beats him into the corner, knocking Faarooq to the floor, where Johnson posts him. The big Johnson (pun intended) rolls him back in, and then PUNts Faarooq in the kidneys. Faarooq comes back with some kidney shots of his own, and takes off his belt, but Ahmed hits a flying shoulder block. Ahmed gets the belt, and whips Faarooq with it, knocking him to the floor. Outside, Faarooq eats stairs. Okay, we saw enough with the steps in the last match, believe me, we don’t need any more. Faarooq uses plan “b” to fight back, and throws a random ring attendant at Ahmed, then lariats him out there. Kidney shot, and a he slams him (kidney first) on the corner of a chair. Ouch. Faarooq smacks the big Johnson around for a while, then rolls him in to finish the load, hitting some sharp, quick shots. He lays him out on the ropes, and kicks a field goal in the kidney area. Man, the Texans are pretty pissed with Faarooq. I’m not so sure San Antonio is the best place to bring this “Black Panthers” gimmick, really. Sid-style chinlock applied (maybe he felt that if Sid is the WWF champ, than he can advance to the gold with this hold too?), as J.R. makes me sick by actually calling the move a “camel clutch.” (‘Makes me sick’? Really?) Ahmed fights out with a dangerous looking victory bomb (I make myself sick, since that was an electric chair) (with ZERO support), and a powerslam. Man, this is the first time the crowd has been alive all night! Pearl River Plunge (tiger bomb), but Faarooq hits a spinebuster slam, hushing the crowd. He yells at the Texans, however, which allows Ahmed a spinebuster of his own. Plunge, but in runs the Nation, casing a DQ at 8:48. Great. Faarooq bails, of course, so Ahmed beats up the Nation, and puts a member through the French announce table with the Plunge in a neat spot. ½*. The feud would FINALLY be settled at WrestleMania, seven months after it should have been.

- Backstage the Nation (along with a fat, non-wrestler D-lo Brown) swear to get Ahmed Johnson.

- No Disqualification Match: Vader vs. The Undertaker: Question: What happened to Vader’s heat on that plane ride from Atlanta to Connecticut in 1995? Did it buzz at the gate, and get confiscated? Slugfest to start, actually won by Undertaker, and he chokes away. Vader tries a lariat to comeback, but he’s introduced to the Undertaker’s no-sell policy. That pisses him off, so he lariats him a couple times more, but more no selling, so Vader bails out. UT follows, and hits an axehandle off the apron. Into the ring, Vader hits a stunner. The crowd is dead. UT with a nice rocker dropper, and a very casual slam. Man, even Hogan sold having a hard time with that spot. Leg drop gets two, but he gets crotched on the ropewalk forearm. What a dumb spot that is, really. I mean, it delivers not much more damage than a forearm shot, but runs ALL that risk to deliver it. Plus, after a year of seeing it, it lost it’s special touch. Low blow by Vader, and they get the “this sucks” treatment, as we cut into the crowd where Todd is with some Shawn Michaels stalker who travels to every show Shawn Michaels is at, and saved up her money for two years to come to this. See, if it were anyone but Vince McMahon’s company, they’d give the kid the money for the ticket. Of course, it’s VINCE MCMAHONS COMPANY! Splash by Vader, and a chinlock. UT comes back with punches, and a side suplex. Big elbow drop misses, however, and Vader goes downstairs. 2nd rope, and he leaps, but gets powerslammed by the dead weight man. Vader stall manages a powerbomb for two, and UT starts no selling, and hits the jumping clothesline. Ropewalk forearm, and out comes the UT’s former manager, Paul Bearer. Meanwhile, UT chokeslams Vader, and clotheslines him to the floor. UT spots Bearer, however, and goes out to deck him. Inside, UT hooks him in a choke, but in comes Vader. UT still clotheslines him to the floor, however, and follows for some brawling. Odd moment: The French announcers have their table back now. UT tries a flying clothesline outside, but hits the rail, and Vader runs back in. Bearer takes the opportunity to nail UT with the urn, and inside, the Vaderbomb finishes at 13:19. Afterwards, UT beats up the poor ref. That is notable only because during the assault, the camera strays, and we see that ¼ of this building is EMPTY, in order to make it look full if the camera is kept on certain sides. Match sucked, but wasn’t an atrocity, or anything. ½*.

- Steve Austin, and Davey Boy Smith give their Royal Rumble thoughts. Well, that was bizarre.

- Six-Man Tag Team Match: Three Mexican Guys vs. Three Other Mexican Guys: I can’t be bothered with this garbage, and no one cares anyway. This came about when the WWF tried to spice up their product (like WCW’s Cruiserweight division) by hiring a bunch of guys from south of the boarder to wrestle. It failed miserably, of course. And this match is an example why: dead crowd (well, that’s not entirely THEIR fault), and flippy-floppy, no point matches. The crowd goes to the snack bar (which you can literally SEE them doing), as I fast forward. That’s just SAD. And I usually NEVER fast forward, because it’s against my ranters code, but this is an exception. Hey, I sat through a 16-minute, -**** ¾ star Jim Neidhart vs. Warlord match without fast forwarding, AND a tape with THREE, LONG Bushwhackers matches without using the old “FF” key, but this is worse in many ways. Anyway, after about 10:00, one Mexican guy pins another Mexican guy, with a botched move off the top rope. And that’s all YOU NEED TO KNOW. Man, they even screwed up the finisher … what a bunch of rejects! Ross, as they exit, says it’s “great to see some fresh talent in the World Wrestling Federation!” Uh, Jim, I appreciate the thought, but most of those six look about SIXTY! (In case that wasn’t abundantly clear, I really hated this at the time)

- Royal Rumble Match: 90 Second intervals this year, which is livable. Crush draws #1, and Ahmed Johnson #2, but the crowd seems to have stopped caring. Crush dominates to start, with nothing more inspired than punches, so Ahmed hits some punches of his own to up the workrate. Schoolyard slugfest won by the jailbird, and he tries to toss him, which from an angle, looks like anal rape. Well, he WAS in prison (…). This is one of the worst opening sequences ever. The Fake Razor Ramon is #3 (20 seconds late, too), and nearly gets booed out of the building. Ahmed, hearing the call, dumps him in about 6 seconds, to a big ovation. This was one of the last appearances of “Razor,” but his partner “Diesel” would stick around (albeit in another capacity) as the man you today know as Kane. (It really shows how much they’ve dropped off as a promotion in terms of creating stars, when again I’m impressed that Kane is still around  five years later (which seemed like an eternity back then, for character shelf-life), when today a mere five years is nothing in terms of a characters shelf-life. Think back to 2009… was the card really that much different than 2014?) Faarooq makes his way out (but not as an entrant), so Ahmed eliminates himself, and goes after him. Why not just go THROUGH the ropes, you dumb ass? Phienneas Godwinn draws #4, and does ZERO in a slugfest with Crush. Yawn. Steve Austin is #5, to no crowd reaction whatsoever. Man, the clock is WAY off, with NO ONE coming in on time anymore. I guess they knew how bad this match would be, and were speeding it up backstage. Crush gets dumped by Godwinn, so Austin stuns him, then dumps him to a pop. I think the pop was because Godwinn was tossed, not for Steve. Bart Gunn gets #6, and hits a terrible fameasser. He then screws up getting dumped, so Steve lariats him to do the job. Man, he sucks. If Billy Gunn was the better of the to, imagine what I’m going through here. #7 is Jake Roberts, but the thrill is gone. The crowd still calls for the DDT, but instead, Jake hooks a wristlock. He’s also DISGUSTINGLY fat at this point. Lousy drunk. Austin dumps him, and Davey Boy Smith comes out at #8. He had an issue with Austin at this point, BTW, so it gets a big pop. Running powerslam hits, and some Mexican dude is #9. Great, them again. Bulldog, sensing my pain, kills him quickly, but he’s a fiery little fellow, and lariats Smith. Austin takes offense, and teams with his nemesis to beat up this fuck. But he STILL fights back. Man, today, that could be he entire resume: Career Highlight: Beat up Steve Austin for 14 seconds. The Sultan (Rikishi) draws #10, and works over our “lucha” friend, as Austin and Bulldog do stuff. Mil Mascaras (who looks VERY old) draws #11 (Was in his mid-50s at the time), and hits a flying forearm on Sultan. That’s all he does, however. Triple H gets #12, and goes for Bulldog. Yawn. As I take that yawn, Davey dumps Sultan, as an afterthought. Steve tries to toss HHH, but he hangs on, so Steve murders him for being a smart-ass. Owen Hart draws lucky #13, and goes for Austin. BREAK HIS NECK! Davey joins that fight, and tries to dump Austin, but Owen comes from behind, and pushes Smith out! See, they were tag partners (and champions) at this point, but were sort of feuding through all late 1996-early 1997, teasing a break up (see Big Show/Kane), but the issue was dropped when the Hart Foundation was formed a few months later. Shame, too. Goldust gets #14, and goes for Hunter. #15 is another loser Mexican guy, and goes for the OTHER old loser Mexican guy. Yawn. Marc Mero is #16, as two Mexican’s are dumped by the third Mexican, but he gets confused, and dives out after them, eliminating him too. Dumb ass. Meanwhile, Goldust tosses Triple H as a measure of revenge. It’s Goldust, Mero, Owen and Austin right now, BTW. That’s a great field, but the Latin Lover has to come in and ruin it as #17. He beats up Owen Hart, and Owen is good enough to let him. Hart gets to dump Goldust as a reward. Faarooq draws #18, immediately backdrops the Lover out, and then gets into a slugfest with Steve Austin, drawing Ahmed Johnson out. NOW the crowd is on fire. He eliminates Faarooq with a 2x4, as Austin dumps Owen, and Mero, off camera. Savio Vega gets #19, and has a mini-match with Stone Cold, which he loses, as Austin dumps him. He’s starting to gauge a pretty good reaction, too. Jesse James gets to be the next victim at #20, and indeed, Austin easily dumps his country music ass. Steve takes a much needed rest, until the fun begins, and Bret Hart draws #21. Austin, of course, provides terrific facial expressions, of fear and toughness all at once, and the crowd goes NUTS. Slugfest won by Hart, and an atomic drop hits. He beats the hell out of Austin, and lariats him. Sharpshooter, and Jerry Lawler (on commentary) gets #22. He steps through the ropes, and is met by Bret Hart, who immediately decks him over the top, and right back into commentary. See, Jerry goes “it takes a king…” then steps in the ring, gets decked out, and lands in his chair to finish the sentence with, “to know a king.” Cute. (This Rumble sucked, but stuff like that still stands among my favorite Rumble moments) Hart gets back to beating up Austin, as Lawler cries. “Diesel” gets #23, and doesn’t really do much. Terry Funk draws #24, and wants a piece of Stone Cold. Bret saves the old man from elimination, so Funk kicks his ass. Ungrateful bastard. (Did you expect anything else? This is the guy who’s, like, best friends with Mick Foley, and their favorite activity is hitting each other with barbed wire) Rocky Miavia comes in at #25, and kills Austin/”Diesel.” No one in the crowd cared, mind you. #26 is Mankind, as Terry Funk gets excited. Mick, of course, goes right for him. (See?) Bret sleepers Austin, meanwhile, but gets stunnered, as Flash Funk enters at #27. Bret piledrives Austin, back when you still could, then drops a leg. #28 is Vader, and if this was 1993 that might mean something. He goes for the Hitman, then uses his gut on Stone Cold. Henry Godwinn joins us at #29, which leaves the Undertaker as the final entrant, I guess. And, indeed, the Undertaker is #30, drawing an ovation.
- UT goes right for Vader, and Mankind of course. Chokeslam for Austin! Chokeslam for Vader! Flash gets tossed by Vader, in an awesome spot, as Vader blockbuster slams him over the top, to the floor. Whoa. It now gets REALLY slow, as everyone just plods around, trying to lengthen the elapsed time. Crowd just doesn’t make a peep, until Undertaker choketosses Godwinn out. Mankind tosses Rocky, and then Terry Funk, so UT sneaks up, and kicks (literally) Mankind out. That makes Mick brawl with Funk, which distracts the floor refs, while Bret dumps Austin (to a nice pop). Final four: Bret, Undertaker, Vader, and “Diesel.” However, since the refs didn’t see Austin’s elimination, he runs back in, and dumps UT/Vader in one shot, as Bret dumps “Diesel.” So, Steve sneaks up, and throws out the Hitman to win the 1997 Royal Rumble at 50:42. This, of course, would lead to “Final Four.” Any Rumble is pretty much an automatic **, and this one wasn’t much above that. ** ½. Afterwards, Bret complains again, continuing to build a “crybaby” name for himself.

- Buildup video for Shawn vs. Sid. See, Sid won the WWF title at Survivor Series, beating up Shawn’s 60+ year old mentor in the process, all leading up to this match. On the way, Shawn started a heel turn, but he never really went full heel because the fans just refused to except it. Man, even in 1997 they had more sense than today. I mean, today, we didn’t except Austin as a heel, but they crammed it down out throats anyway.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: Sid vs. Shawn Michaels: Shawn had the flu, I believe, which means Sid has to carry the match. And that’s not a good sign. The crowd, which has been dead all night (save for a few mediocre pops for the major stars) now suddenly goes into a wild frenzy, cheering their hometown challenger, which leads to him getting a pretty long entrance. Sid nearly gets booed out of Texas. Well, no one could say this feud didn’t have heat, that’s a certainty. It actually would have been a good WrestleMania main event, too, especially over what we ended up getting. (Yeah, but they wanted to get to Bret/Shawn II, so this had to happen) And I bet if it was set to be that match, with HBK winning the gold, his smile would have stayed fully in tact. (Yep) Staredown to start, and Sid nearly shoves Shawn Michaels out of the state. Shawn just keeps coming back, however, so Sid starts kicking him, and a criss cross allows the challenger a bodypress, popping the crowd. Mini-superkick knocks Sid to the outside, as I sit in SHOCK that this is the same crowd we’ve seen all night. I mean, G-D, did they put speed in the sodas before this one, or something. Shawn follows out, and the champ eats rail, so he tries to press slam Shawn out there, but he rakes the eyes. Inside, Shawn with a flying bodypress, but he gets powerslammed for two. Sid hooks his version of the chinlock (after TWO MINUTES?!?) (Yes, but does it MAKE ME SICK?!?), but the crowd refuses to sleep, and wildly cheers on Shawn Michaels. Did they switch arenas, or something? Shawn escapes the chinlock, and hammers away, but takes a Flair flip all the way to the floor. Sid follows, and rams Shawn’s back into the post a couple of times. Sid’s pretty strong, I’ll give him that much. Inside, that gets two, and it disappoints him so much he hooks a knee-to-neck chinlock. Shawn, ever the feisty one, fights out, so Sid lariats him. Man, this crowd wants to KILL this guy right now, and Sid likes to play it out, taunting them. He throws Shawn’s back into the corner a few times, and then hooks a bearhug. Okay, this time, It’s acceptable, since it fits the context of the lower back work. The crowd chants for Shawn until he breaks out, and we get a look at Michaels’ parents. His mom looks like Helen Hart, really. She also looks concerned, because this large man is hugging her son, and thrusting his crotch at him. Shawn atomic drops out, and tries something off the 2nd rope, but gets caught in the hold again. Now, for the first time this match, the crowd quiets down. Not dying, mind you, just SLIGHTLY quieting down. Legdrop by the world champion for two, and it’s chinlock time again. Slam, but Shawn slips away, and hits his own, popping the crowd. Criss cross allows Michaels a flying forearm, and the flying elbow drop. Superkick, but Sid catches the foot, and backdrops Shawn over the top. That same bump (with the addition of a casket) would end up costing him his career a year later. (This was written before the big comeback later that same year) On the floor, he powerbombs him, so Shawn’s mentor objects, leading to Sid choking him. That causes the guys son to jump the rail, but Sid chokes him down too. Inside, the ref gets bumped, but Sid still chokeslams him. Cover, no ref. Another one runs out, and counts two. He hammers away, and the 2nd ref objects, so Sid nails him. That allows Shawn to snag a camera (like Sid used on him at Survivor Series), and whack him with it. He covers, as the crowd goes CRAZY anticipating a win, but it only gets a dramatic slow two count from ref one! One thing left to do: SUPERKICK! It hits, and gets another dramatic slow count from the injured ref, but this time gets three, and Shawn wins WWF title #2 at 13:49. The crowd just goes nuts in celebration after that one. Not a great match, to be sure, but still an okay match … helped by the pumped up crowd. **, technically, but it felt much better, and more epic.

- Bottom Line: A poor show, to be sure. The best match of the card, the Royal Rumble, is one of the worst versions ever done, and the rest of the card (save the main event) is bad wrestling, and a dead crowd. It’s just not worth the time to track down, just to see Shawn vs. Sid, or Austin’s first Rumble win.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.