HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XII

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XII. When it came out, it was my favorite WrestleMania, since I was such a big HBK fan. Of course, time has passed since those mark days. Lets see if time has been kind to this one.  (This was originally written in early 2001, with five years of perspective)

- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent, **** - Great, *** - Good, **- Okay, * - Decent, DUD - Awful.

- Cool video package about the main event. Now THAT’S a good package.

- Live from Anaheim, California.

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry “The King” Lawler.

- I don’t have the Free For All show, but if you want to know how that epic Huckster/Nacho Man classic turned out, see my Netcop Busts rant. Also in the pre-game, The Bodydonnas won the tag team titles in a match with the Godwinns. Sure, put the title changes on the PRE-GAME and not on the PPV. How smart!

- Opening Six Man Tag Team Match: Vader, Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith vs. Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson and Jake Roberts: Man, one side has talent. The other … well … it’s a fat fuck, a no-selling big man, and a drunk. Figure out which side is which. Then again, today, either side could work. (Look Yoko’s no shocker, but if you would have told me in 1996 that Jake would outlive both Davey Boy and Owen…) The deal here is that if the faces win, Yokozuna gets five minutes alone with Jim Cornette. This was originally Vader/Yokozuna one on one, but common sense got in the way, and we get a six-man. Anyway, the faces clean house, and Ahmed dives out on Vader to do the first cool spot of the night. We get the epic Yoko/Vader showdown, and Vader kills him, then tags Owen. The former tag champions go at it, and the fat man easily dominates. Kind of erie today, all things considered. Vader tagged back in, who does nothing but distract the ref. while Owen chokes Yoko. This is NOT the Vader I know and love. He does his classic corner shots, taking the big mans head off, as Mr. Fuji waves an American Flag. Shit, that’s weird to see. And on a related note, why can’t he be a face with a Japanese flag? (‘Cause racism, duh) So the brothers (The ‘brother’? Really?) proud of his heritage, does he have to wave old glory around to get a babyface reaction? Gee, wrestling fans disgust me sometimes. Yoko hits a Rock Bottom, and tags Ahmed, who kills everyone. Ahmed was REALLY over in his WWF stint, despite sucking, and would win the IC title a little while after this. Vader takes over on him, back makes the mistake of tagging Davey, who gets slammed. He goes for the Pearl River Plunge (tiger driver), but Owen hits a missile dropkick to stop it. He hits an enzuiguri next, and tags “the monster Vader.” Vader controls by using his gut (literally), and tags the King of Harts back in. He goes through some clotheslines, but Ahmed channels Animal and no sells. He and Owen botch a lariat spot, and Ahmed tags the drunk. Jake takes out Owen, and gets a great reaction from the crowd. Stop encouraging him, damn it! He eats boot off a corner charge, however, and Bulldog hammers him. Vader hits some bodyshots, knocking the liquor out of Jake, and tags Owen in for a big top rope elbow. That gets two, and the crowd is completely gone. (Well I did just tell them to stop encouraging him…) Davey gets his licks in (It’s funny because he’s the ‘bulldog,’ see?), as the fans sit on their hands. Running Powerslam gets two, and Vader gets in. Splash gets two, as all the vodka has made Jake impervious to pain! Davey misses an elbow, and tags Yoko. He and Vader go, and Yoko eats him for diner. He hits an avalanche, so the heels run in, but he eats them for desert. Fallaway slam nearly destroys Bulldog, and we have a six-man brawl! Jake catches Owen with a DDT, but the ref. is distracted, so Vader stops the cover. He hits the Vaderbomb on him to end it at 13:09. Yeah, sure, rob the fans of the whole point of this match. I mean, sure, it sucked. But if the premise of Yoko finally getting his hands on Cornette would have happened, it would have been somewhat redeeming. Lousy WWF! (Yeah, that was fucked up) * ½.

- Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Roddy Piper vs. Goldust: Simple concept: Goldust hits on ultra-macho Piper … Piper kicks his ass … they fight at WrestleMania. Originally, it was supposed to be Razor getting an Intercontinental Title re-match here, but drug problems stopped that one. But after the crap they showed at Royal Rumble 1996, I can’t say I was too disappointed. Actually, back in my 11 year old mark days, I was SHOCKED that Razor would do drugs! I mean, he’s a ROLE MODEL FOR THE KIDS! Ahh, the days before I found the internet … how sweet they were. Anyway, too the match, it takes place in a backlot (as the title says), and they fight. Piper waits in the alley with a ball bat, and Goldust pulls up in a Gold Caddy. That scares Piper, so he sprays the car with a hose (and THAT stops Goldy, because G-D knows water will stop ANY car!), and then smashes the car with the bat. He pulls Dustin out, and destroys him with some stiff shots. Man, Dustin is BUMPING today! He gets him on the hood of the car, and does an ultra-weak slam. He follows with an elbow, and hits one of the stiffest punches I’ve EVER seen in wrestling on him. A low blow turns the tide, and Piper goes headfirst into a dumpster. Goldust gets the caddy, and rams Piper’s stunt guy with it (think Survivor Series 1999 here), and then drives away. With all those people RIGHT THERE, it must have looked really stupid when the two guys switched. Piper comes back (after BEING HIT WITH A CAR!), jumps into his Ford Bronco, and speeds away to end the first portion at 4:39. We’ll see more later. (This was at least a cool tribute to They Live, if nothing else)

- We’re now back to the live building, but the crowd is DEAD after having to watch stuff on the screens for that whole portion, and no live action.

- Savio Vega vs. Steve Austin: Austin was in his 2nd WWF period here. He’d dropped the name “Ringmaster” for “Stone Cold Steve Austin,” but still had the Million Dollar Man, the Million Dollar Belt, and the Million Dollar Dream. No Stunner, middle fingers, or beer cans yet. He’d drop DiBiase and all the other “Million Dollar” stuff at the “Beware of Dog” PPV a couple months later, and be a bad ass on his own. Then, in June, the 3:16 phase begins, and I think we all know where THAT leads. Anyway, these two had a typical 1996 WWF feud going on here, so we start off with a big brawl. Savio wins (Austin … losing a brawl?), and hits a sidewalk slam. They brawl to the floor, and Vega chops away on him. You go, Caribbean Legend! Back in, Austin kicks him in the gut, but fails to follow up with a stunner. Instead he rams his shoulder to the post, and then goes to work on it. Great, arm bars. Savio flips out of it, and hits a superkick, as Piper calls the commentators on a cell phone. He rambles on and on about fruitcake, or something, while these two continue to bore me with arm work. I mean, yeah, psychology, great! But it’s REALLY boring. Steve hits the Bret Hart elbow for two, but Savio wins a criss cross with a cross body for two. Steve Thesz Presses him for two, and then they go through a Flair/Steamboat-like pinning combo to impress me. They continue to fight, as we get “outside footage” of Piper chasing Goldust on the freeway. Get it? Piper has a WHITE FORD BRONCO. Oh wait, maybe that was a little too long ago for some. Either way, they recycled the footage of the O.J. Simpson car chase, and showed it here. HA, HA, HA … how funny. Slugfest ensues, and Savio takes Steve down with a big chop (earning “oohs” from the crowd), and then backdrops him. He misses a spin kick, however, knocking the ref. down, so DiBiase slips the Million Dollar belt in. Steve lays him out with it (to a DEAD crowd), hooks the Million Dollar Dream on, and the submission is a mere formality, as Savio is already out. Anyway, Austin wins at 10:08, to NO crowd reaction. See, had the WWF given up on him, and just let him go, where would they be today? I mean, the guy was getting LESS than ZERO heat. And this is THE man who would eventually bring the WWF back to prominence! Anyway, the match sucked, and I wasn’t particularly interested in it. * ½.

- Diesel and Mr. Perfect review the Undertaker/Diesel feud (one I particularly liked), and get their jabs in on Vince. How classy.

- Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. The Ultimate Warrior: The future Triple H brings out Sable as his “valet for the evening,” and she would eventually become one of the biggest names in 1998 WWF, during their big re-building. Do I really have to get into the Warrior too? I mean, he came back, he did some stuff, and he left 3 months later. You don’t need to know any more. (Really, you don’t) He gets a big pop, however. He falls under the “WCW-like mistakes” category, as the WWF tried to bring back the OLD stars, instead of making new ones, and failed. Sure, big pop the first night, but he can’t carry a whole promotion. Ask WCW about that one, because they tried the some things. “Oh yeah, lets signs Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Jim Duggan, Honky Tonk Man, and Brutus Beefcake instead of building Steve Austin, Cactus Jack, Vader and Sting into our biggest stars!” Triple H jumps him, and hits some punches, but that’s all the offense he’s getting today, son! Pedigree hits 20 seconds in, but it’s no sold, and Warrior clotheslines the hell out of him. Warrior-line connects, and the press slam/splash combo finishes at 1:37. This happening to “The Game” and the future WWF Champion. This felt like a squash that would take place on Superstars in the early 90’s, and I think we know how business started tanking around then! The fact that they thought they could re-build by signing him was a REAL dumb ass idea. DUD. (This one, of course, people tend to remember)

- Backstage, we are introduced to “Wildman” Marc Mero, the former Johnny B. Badd. Triple H comes backstage, and yells at him (but due to WrestleMania XI like sound problems, we can’t hear a word they’re saying), and then they fight. (God, they used to have SO MANY glitches like that back in the day. Remember the Spanish announce team cross feeds on, like, every other pay per view?) This angle would lead to Sable becoming a big star. Was it worth it? YOU be the judge!

- Diesel vs. The Undertaker: This not only came out of a very well done feud, but WWF fans really wanted to see this one for a long, long time. Good combination. This was Nash’s 2nd to last PPV event (The April IYH would be the last). With that, and the Undertaker’s WM record all considered, who do YOU think is winning? (To be fair, the Streak wasn’t even really a thing yet. He was only 4-0 going into this)  Diesel is playing it TOTALLY cool here, beyond belief, not the way a good heel should. He’s always MUCH more over that way, however, than when he tries to be a babyface, or a total heel. The “cool heel” is definitely his area of expertise. Slugfest to start, won by Diesel, and the clotheslines the ‘Taker into the corner. He follows up with elbows (without the frame, unfortunately), which offends UT, so he decks him. It spills outside, where ‘Taker rams him to the steps. Back in, Diesel takes control, but a criss cross leads to a Dead Man cross body for two. He works the arm, and hits the ropewalk forearm. He misses a flying clothesline (in a terrific fall), but hits the stunner on Diesel to stop any offense from him. He punches the big guy to the outside, and rams him into the ringpost. He tries to kill him with a chair, but misses, and Diesel throws him to the railing. He rams him to the post to follow, and stalks Paul Bearer. UT takes an hour to get back in, and when he finally does, Diesel hits a foot to the face. He calmly hammers the Undertaker, and taunts him along the way, pissing the crowd off further. Sidewalk slam gets two, and he follows up with the snake eyes, then the rope choke spot. He works ‘Taker over in the corner, and a slugfest develops, so both men hit the big boot at the same time, both going down! Bearer shrieks “The Power of the Urn!” in UT’s ear, and instead of busting out in laughter, he sits up. I don’t know how they all kept a straight face. Diesel hooks a bear hug (great!), which goes on WAY too long, before he powers out. He hooks a side headlock next, so UT side suplexes his way out. Elbow drop follows, and he goes to the top! Flying clothesline takes Nash down (in a cool spot) for two, but Diesel hits the Jackknife almost immediately after! He struts around the ring in confidence, but UT sits up! Nash calmly pounds him, however, and powerbombs him again! He continues to calmly strut, and finally goes for the cover, but UT shoots up with a choke! Nash fights him off, but UT shoots another choke onto him! This is REALLY cool, for whatever reason. I mean, you just CAN’T kill the ‘Taker! Diesel side suplexes him, but he pops back up, and pounds the hell out of the truck. Criss cross leads to a UT flying clothesline, and a chokeslam. Tombstone follows, and you may as well write off his WWF career, because the pin happens at 16:45. One more classic with Shawn, and he’s gone. ** ½, which is ** more than everyone expected. Match of the Night, so far, which is a VERY bad sign, all things considered. The next night the ‘Taker would be introduced to the man who would change his career forever: MANKIND!

- In the parking lot, Goldust and Piper pull in. Piper, the great driver, accidentally hits Goldust’s driver side, while Dustin’s still in it. Smart. Anyway, Dustin runs for his life, and Piper follows. Yeah, but was he REALLY afraid, that’s the question. I would be, Piper’s a nutcase! They head into the arena, and Part II begins! A big slugfest goes down in the ring, which Goldust dominates, and he fondles Piper’s ass. Ewww. He tears his clothes off next, and chokes him with his own shirt. More fondling. He goes to the top, but Piper crotches him, so Goldust kisses him to make up for it. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, as Piper goes NUTS on him, and tries to kill him. He hooks a ball claw on, and hits about 10 crotch shots, and then spanks him. Come on now! He then tears Goldust’s clothes off (revealing women’s S&M dressings), and then kisses him. I’m sure Dusty is proud. He continues to kill him, and one crotch shot later, Goldust bails to forfeit this at 5:35 of part II. Damn, Dustin has BALLS to go through with all of that. I mean, two kisses, the S&M stuff, the fondling, the spanking. That takes GUTS! I don’t know how to really call it, but it wasn’t boring, that’s for sure. **.

- Another amazing video package about the main event. This was SUCH a great package, showing both men’s dreams about being the champ. I mean, it was such a different time, where they were selling this whole thing on wrestling.

- Main Event, WWF Title 60-minute Iron Man Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: Shawn’s music kicks up first, but Shawn doesn’t come out. Instead, it’s his manager/trainer Jose. He comes in, and points to the ceiling, signaling Shawn’s now-famous entrance from the top of the building on a pulley system. This was MAJORLY cool at the time, and is still pretty cool today. Before the match, they go the boxing route, and read the rules off to both men, thus building anticipation in the fans. Smartly done, actually. Shawn seems REALLY nervous, too. REALLY nervous. Bell sounds, and they start off slow, as is expected. They fight over a waist lock, and then over a headlock. Shawn works the arm, but Bret locks in a solid side headlock. Shawn tries to shove his way out, but Bret drops him right back into the headlock. Crowd is silent, too, because of the slow nature of this match. They try to keep it interesting, to their credit, by having Shawn roll through the headlock every now and then for two counts. Shawn escapes, hip tosses Bret over, and a wrestling sequence leads us right back to the side headlock. It’s like Flair/Steamboat from 1994 all over again. Spot session, headlock, spot session, wristlock, etc… Bret takes it into a front facelock, as the announcers looks for things to say. Back to the headlock. A big criss cross leads to a series of arm drags from Shawn, and he goes to the arm bar (drawing boos). He works the arm pretty well, keeping Bret grounded, but the crowd is slipping. We even get a shot of Stu Hart, and Freddie Blassie sitting together. They’re probably REALLY enjoying this match, as it’s right up their alley with all the old school style. Bret finally escapes the arm bar, and works Shawn over in the corner, but Shawn turns the tables with a flying head scissors. Bret is definitely playing the heel here, too, which he isn’t used to, but can do on occasion. Like at SummerSlam 1992, when he was a major babyface, he played the heel against Davey in London.
- Ten Minutes In. After some scuffling, Bret hooks a chinlock, but Shawn escapes and hooks a vicious arm bar. Criss cross allows Bret a spinebuster slam, and he tries the Sharpshooter! Shawn desperately jumps to the ropes before Bret can hook it in, so Hart clotheslines him to the outside, earning boos. He follows out to attack, but gets tossed into the time keeper’s lap. Shawn tries the superkick, but Hart moves, and Shawn knocks the time keeper out, further making Hart the heel. Back in, Bret goes back to the chinlock. Shawn clotheslines his way out, but Bret lariats him into tomorrow, and chinlocks him again. Pretty good sequence there. Except for the chinlock part of it. Wrestling sequence allows Shawn to dropkick the Hitman, and hook an arm bar in.
- Twenty Minutes In. More arm work from Shawn. Bret goes the Hogan-route of escaping from the arm bar, but Michaels keeps it hooked in. Bret gets desperate, and does a REALLY cool escape sequence to headlock Shawn, but Michaels quickly turns it into a mat based wristlock. Another cool sequence, but now we have to sit through a wristlock for 15 minutes. Bret escapes it with a distinctly heel-like elbow, and then uppercuts him like a mofo. He tries a cross corner whip, but Shawn turns it around, and rams Hart’s shoulder to the post. He follows by doing it again, in a heel-like moment for him. Well, as Monsoon would say, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!” Shoulderbreaker hits, and he nails an axehandle off the 2nd rope on the now-bad shoulder. He slams him on his shoulder, and then rams it into the corner repeatedly. Damn, that’s some tight psychology. He goes into an arm bar, and Bret nearly kills him with punches to escape. Oooh, stiff! Shawn gets pissed at that, and hits a single arm DDT to get Hart down. Another arm bar hooked on the mat now. Bret escapes, and they fight in the corner, where Michaels bashes him with elbow smashes, and then hooks a reverse arm bar. Bret, again, uses stiff punches to escape, but HBK won’t break, so Bret stun guns him. He follows with a slingshot to the corner for two, but gets rammed to the post several times by the challenger. He misses a dive, however, and is straddled on the top rope, so Hart kicks him off, and clotheslines him down for two. Bulldog hits … hard. He goes to the top, but gets caught, only to fight Michaels off, and then drop him head first to the mat!
- Thirty Minutes In. Shawn hits a powerslam for two, but takes a piledriver to give Hart two. Bret goes up again, and this time Michaels successfully slams him off! Rana hits, and Shawn uses some Dusty Rhodes-like elbow smashes on him. Backbreaker gets two, and he tries the superkick, but Hart bails. Shawn doesn’t like that, however, and dives off the top with a clothesline onto him. Nice spot there, and one of the more famous ones from this match. Back inside, Shawn cross bodies him off the top, but Bret rolls through for two. They fight over a backside, but Shawn flips out, and small packages him for two. Hennig-plex for two, and he hooks a sleeper. Bret breaks out, but Shawn goes RIGHT BACK to it. Man, that last eight minutes or so were just NON-STOP action! Bret tries to side suplex out, but Shawn flips away, and mule kicks him. He posts Hart, and charges, but Bret backdrops him over the top onto the floor (taking a camera guy out with him!) in a really sick bump for Shawn. It, somehow, doesn’t get a count-out though, as neither man wants to job first. Shawn gets back in, and Bret kills his back with everything he has. 2nd rope elbow into the lower back, as the announcers spell doom for the challenger. Backbreaker connects, and a leg drop follows.
- Forty Minutes In. Man, a pin REALLY should be happening on Michaels now. He’s taken a LOT of abuse. Bret side suplexes him off the top rope in a nice spot, and gets a two count off of it. Camel Clutch gets applied, as we see a double feature of the side suplex spot and see Shawn’s head BOUNCE off the mat. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Shawn with a sunset flip for two, but Bret kills his back to follow. He puts Shawn up top, but Michaels rakes the eyes and tries a double ax, but Bret nails him on the way down. Russian leg sweep for two, and Shawn does the Flair Flip to the outside, taking Jose out with him! Bret follows, and throws Michaels into Jose yet again! Man, he’s going all out heel here. I think his character never recovered from it either, and that’s why the whole Austin angle worked out so nicely. Belly to belly suplex for two, and they have a slugfest. Bret easily wins, but Shawn is like Rocky Balboa, and won’t stay down. Suplex attempt countered by Shawn, and he school boy’s Bret up for two. Hart powers away, and dumps Shawn to the floor, then follows by diving out onto him! I love Bret Hart! Again, Shawn stays out there for some three minutes, but a countout won’t happen because he won’t job first! They fight over a waistlock, which Hart wins, and a German suplex gets two. Slugfest again, and Balboa just keeps asking for more to the point where Apollo Creed doesn’t know what to make of it anymore!
- Fifty Minutes In. Bret hooks a Sid-style chinlock, which eventually turns into a sleeper, and the crowd comes alive with support for Shawn. Michaels escapes with elbows, and a criss cross leads to a double clothesline. Slugfest won by Shawn, but Hart kicks him downstairs to stop it. He puts HBK on the top, and superplexes him off to kill him dead. Sharpshooter time! He tries for it, but Michaels fights his way away from the hold, so Bret locks a half-crab in. Shawn makes the ropes, but Bret won’t let go, drawing more boos. Backbreaker connects, with five minutes left. 2nd rope elbow hits boot, and Shawn dropkicks him into the corner. Cross corner whip takes Hart out, with four minutes to go! Criss cross leads to a Michaels flying forearm, and he gets a second wind! Flying reverse back elbow hits, and a slam leads to a double ax from the top! All that gets two, with under three minutes left! Suplex hits, and a huge elbow from the top gets two. Two minutes left, as Shawn hits a gutwrench powerbomb, and then moonsaults Hart for two. This is SUCH a great match. Rana from the top for two, and a slam hits with only a minute left. The crowd is just going NUTS with support now! He goes to the top, and leaps, but Hart catches him, and gets him in the Sharpshooter. Big pop for that one, actually, with 30 seconds left. Shawn fights the hold, and the time limit expires at 60:00 minutes, still 0-0. Bret takes the title, and retains by default, which actually gets a very big pop. President Monsoon orders Bret back in (with half the building cheering, and half booing), for OVERTIME!
- Overtime. Bret hammers the hell out of Shawn’s back, and backdrops him to the mat. Backbreaker hits, but a wrestling sequence leads to a Michaels superkick! Hart half no-sells it, but then takes another one, and Shawn pins him at 1:52 to win his first WWF World Title! Big pop for that. Afterwards, Shawn cries with emotion (okay, where’s Kurt Angle?), and poses with the WWF title in what was one of my biggest markout moments EVER at the time. I think EVERYONE marked out for that one. Anyway, the match, while it started out slow, still kicked 100 types of ass and is worth **** ¾ easy. Minus ¼ for the slower stuff in the first 25 minutes or so, but still amazing. (I’m closer to **** these days. It’s still a great match, but you really have to be in the right mood to sit through it, and it’s quite slow at points. That said, I thought it was the best match of all time when I saw it live, and even by 2001 I was still pretty high on it)

- Bottom Line: Aside from the kick ass WWF Title match, this show is about as close to “bottom of the barrel” as it gets. But, looking at it another way, it’s a three hour show, right? 1/3 of the show is taken up by the almost-***** Main Event, and the other 2/3 are the crappier portions. Any way you slice it, however, it’s clear that this is a one match show.

- Small side note: Isn't it odd that the WHOLE SHOW has one title match? (They really should have done the tag titles on pay per view – especially since they didn’t even release the Free For All on home video (including the Anthology))

- Very, very, very Mildly Recommended.