HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania 13

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XIII. Those who have read my stuff for a while know I already think this is THE worst WrestleMania yet, but I haven’t seen it in quite a while, so let’s see how it holds up today. (Aside from a match here or there, I haven’t seen any of the WrestleMania’s since XX, so that may not be true anymore)

- “Funny” Sidenote: this show is titled as “WM XIII: Heat,” although most of the matches didn’t have any! Oh, how I amuse myself.

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Chicago, Illinois.

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

- Opening Four Corners Tag Team Match: The Godwinns vs. The Headbangers vs. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs. The New Blackjacks: Everyone brawls to start, and when it’s settled, we have Bradshaw and Henry Godwinn. Criss cross allows Henry a clothesline, and he tags Thrasher. He pounds Bradshaw, but eats boot for his efforts. Pump-slam, and he tags Phienneas. Slugfest won by Thrasher, but he gets backdropped. Godwinn tags Mosh, and that means they have to fight. They goof around, instead, and then tag in LaFon to give him a tandem beating. He’s smart, however, and outwrestles Mosh. Windham tags in, and gets superkicked by Phil. Tag to Doug, who rana’s him for two. Criss cross, but Barry slams him and drops a leg. Barry tags Bradshaw, and they do a double shoulderblock. Criss cross allows Doug to dropkick him out, and he tries to suplex him back in, but gets reversed. They kind of just fall in a heap on the floor, however. The New Blackjacks and the New Brainbusters brawl out there, and the Blackjacks get DQ’d at 4:50, and the Buster’s get counted-out at 5:00. Inside, Henry slams Thrasher, and Phineas drops in for a two count. Hanging vertical suplex for two, as Mosh saves. Tag to Henry, who does some sloppy stuff for a two count. He tags out, and Thrasher starts a slugfest. He loses, and gets avalanched in the corner. Splash by Henry gets two, so Thrasher rakes the eyes. Tag to Mosh, who gets Cactus clotheslined to the floor. Cool spot. Inside, Mosh snaps his neck on the top rope, and hits a springboard clothesline onto the floor, and Henry! Thrasher follows up with a dive onto Godwinn, still on the floor. Back in, that gets two. The ‘Banger’s hit a double clothesline, and Thrasher set’s up the moonsault, but misses. Both tag out, and a slugfest ensues. Godwinn kills both Headbanger’s, and clothesline’s Thrasher out. He tries the slop drop (reverse DDT) on Mosh, but Thrasher saves, and everyone brawls now. In the “chaos,” Mosh hits a cannonball on Phineas to get the pin at 10:40. Okay match, but nothing to write your momma about. **.

- Backstage, Brian Pillman and Sunny hype the hotline.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Rocky Miavia vs. The Sultan: The Honky Tonk Man comes out before hand, since he was still scouting a protégé, which ended up being Billy Gunn at the next In Your House. (Which I was in attendance for. All my friends and I were convinced it was going to be Rick Rude, and BOY where we let down) Oh, don’t even ASK about that one! It’s time’s like these I wish WrestleCrap was still around. (It’s back now) Anyway, this “Miavia” kid, you know, the one with no heat? Yeah, he ended up becoming the Rock. Whood’a thunk it? Sultan, of course, would find great success in 2000 as Rikishi, but right now has faded away as a one-note character. He’s managed by Bob Backlund and the Iron Sheik, BTW. Maybe, with what’s happening in the world today, a character like this should come back. (This was originally written in late 2001)  Sheik even has a flag with Bin Laden, or the Ayatollah on it. I can’t tell from the distance, but I’d guess it’s the Ayatollah. (Dumb ass)  Rocky dominates with dropkicks to start, knocking Fatu to the floor. Onto the floor, Miavia hammers, but misses a shot, and hits his hand on the post. Inside, Sultan controls. Nothing too interesting, however. Clothesline gets two, and G-D knows THAT was tough to do, so he hooks a nerve hold because he’s so worn out. Criss cross allows Sultan a knee to the gut, and a backbreaker. Upstairs, flying headbutt, with pinpoint accuracy. Damn, that was a good spot. It gets two, since he only covers with a hand to the chest. Either he’s lazy or arrogant. Or both. My money’s on both. Belly to belly gets two, and he chinlocks him. For a LONG time. Rocky escapes, and a criss cross leads to a double clothesline, killing both. It gets the champ two, and Sultan starts to hammer, but Rocky makes the Tatanka comeback! Dropkicks abound. Belly to belly gets two, and the Layin’ the Smackdown DDT connects. Up top, flying bodypress hits, but the Sheik distracts the ref, cutting the count. That allows Sultan a superkick for a close two, and a piledriver for another close two. He tries something else, but Miavia rolls him up for the pin at 9:45. Decent match, but overall it was nothing. *. Afterwards, Sultan and his band beat the hell out of Rocky, so his dad, Rocky Johnson comes out of the crowd to make the save.

- Backstage, guest ref for the Submission match Ken Shamrock pledge’s that he won’t be intimidated by either Austin or Hart. The best part? Footage of Billy Gunn getting his ass kicked.

- Over to Triple H (along with a BUTCH Chyna, who has no breasts, and gigantic jaw, and arms like HHH has TODAY!) who vows to beat Goldust tonight. Oh, and here I am thinking he’s vowing on losing, but now that he’s made that clear, I can rest at night.

- Triple H vs. Goldust: Crowd isn’t particularly PUMPED for this one, although Goldust gets a nice pop. Hunter isn’t quite huge yet, either. I mean, he has a decent cut, but GEE, what a difference. Goldust kicks ass to start, and does the 10-punch count in the corner. Atomic drop, and a clothesline dumps Triple H to the floor. Hunter gets tied up in the ropes, and Goldust gets his shots in, amusing the crowd. Goldust smacks him around in the corner, and tries a backdrop, but takes a facebuster. Ah, the knee days. Powerslam by Goldust, and he goes to the top. HHH stops him, and tries a superplex, which fails, so Hunter just throws him off to the floor, and he hits the apron on the way down! Ouch. Inside, HHH goes up and drops in with a shot, which gets two. Chops in the corner, as he preps himself to be the future Ric Flair. Cross corner whip, and a neckbreaker for two. Abdominal stretch applied, but since he hasn’t been working that part, it IS NOT okay in the context. He uses the ropes to justify it a little, but doesn’t even bother to try to hide it from the ref. Now that’s just careless. Flying knee gets two, and it’s resthold time! They justify it, however, as they go for pins constantly out of it. Goldust with a low blow, but Hunter suplexes him anyway, and drops a knee for two. Slugfest won by Dustin, but he gets DDT’d coming out of the ropes. Man, that’s like the second time he’s made that mistake! He still manages a backslide for two, and a small package for two. Lariat by Hunter, so Dustin tries a slam, but gets toppled for two. Dustin with a bodypress for two, and a criss cross leads to a double shoulderblock, knocking both down. HHH up top, and leaps, but eats ass on the way down. No, really. Goldust countered with his ass. Hunter charges Goldust, but hits the corner instead, and then fists. Backdrop by the Golden one, and a bulldog for two. Curtain call set up, which Hunter turns into the pedigree, which Goldust turns into the curtain call again! He’s about to do it, when he notices that Chyna is stalking Terri on the outside. He lifts Terri up, away from Chyna, but Hunter knocks her back off, and right into her massive arms! She shakes Terri like a rag-doll (which was how she made her WWF debut), and Hunter pedigree’s Goldust for the pin at 14:27. Decent little match, but another match that wasn’t special. * ¾.

- Marc Mero & Sable pimp the merchandise. Whatever.

- Shawn Michaels tries to use the internet, but problems occur. Cute bit.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Owen Hart & Davey Boy Smith vs. Mankind & Vader: Originally, the challenger’s were supposed to take the gold, but Bret got it changed so that the Hart Foundation angle would be all the stronger. What I want to know, is why in the hell would you do heel/heel title match at a WrestleMania? Owen starts with Vader, which can’t be bad. Vader in control with corner shots, looking pretty stiff, maybe in retaliation to the ending switch (?). (Or maybe ‘cause Vader works pretty stiff?)  Criss cross allows Owen a clothesline, but Vader doesn’t move. Another criss cross, and a spin heel kick gets him down! Bodypress, but Vader slams him. Powerbomb, but Bulldog stops the Vaderbomb, leading to everyone brawling. The heels (okay, the challengers) dominate, but Davey clothesline’s both down, and Owen dropkicks them down. Okay, the champs have taken the face roll tonight. Once the dust settles, it’s Davey/Mankind, and Davey hits his vertical suplex. One for Vader, dumping him out. Chinlock on Mick for a bit. Criss cross, and Davey falls to the floor, when Vader tugs down the ropes. Mick comes at him with the urn, but Davey trips him up, so Vader whacks him with it instead. He rolls back in, and right into a Vader suplex for two. Vader with the corner shots, and an avalanche in the corner. To the 2nd rope, a big splash gets two. Tag to Mick, who hammers away. Running knee into the corner, and a legdrop across the bottom rope. Backdrop, and Vader tags back in. He uses his gut to take Bulldog down, and goes to the 2nd rope again, only to get powerslammed off. Awesome spot. Tag to Owen, he hits a missile dropkick. Sunset flip, countered with a butt splash, countered by Owen moving in a nice sequence. Upstairs, bodypress gets two. Criss cross, and Vader just smothers him, knocking him over. To the floor, Vader sets up Owen for Mick to hit the Demolition Decapitator. Mick tries a suplex back in, but Owen keeps trying to reverse, so Mick just snaps his neck on the ropes. They keep beating Owen on the floor, as Stu & Helen look unconcerned. Back in, Mick hooks a resthold, so Owen turns it into a DDT. Splash hits the knees, getting Mick two. Spin heel kick by Owen for two, but Vader gets in and stiffly kills him. Owen manages the spin heel, but he’s too hurt to follow up, so Vader elbow drops him for two. Tag back to Mick, who dumps Owen out. He charges out there, but takes a belly to belly. Every time the camera pans over to Stu, he kind of JUMPS up, like he’s scared. He should pull a Sonny Corleone and smash the camera, then throw the dollar bills at him. (That would have been fucking awesome)  Inside, Hart hits the enzuiguri, and makes the hot tag. Davey’s a house of fire, and Mick eats post. Running Powerslam, but Mick turns it into the claw, while Vader restrains Owen. Davey and Mick tumble out, but Mick keeps the hold on, and we have a double count-out at 16:06. This had potential to be a **** ½ match, considering who was in it, but as is, it still was a good match. ***. (As has been the case for all the matches so far, my rating was lower in the BUExperience, but I still maintain that this could have been a classic, and it was a huge letdown)

- Video package about the Bret Hart/Steve Austin Submission Match. Excellent build-up, and scary parallel to real life.

- Submission Match, with special referee Ken Shamrock: Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin: This is it! The match that changed everything, making Bret a heel (forever changing his career), and Austin a face (forever changing the WWF). Austin attacks as Bret enters the ring, and they brawl on the mat. It spills to the floor, where they have a slugfest of epic proportions. No one really wins that, as neither quits, but Hart ends it, ramming Steve into the post. Austin crotches him on the rail, and knocks him into the crowd, right by his parents. Brawl through the crowd, which wasn’t commonplace in 1997 like it is today. Bret backdrops Austin on the steps (about halfway up the building), and they fight back down! Notable sign in the crowd: one for RF Video. To ringside, he hits an axehandle off the rail (and it wasn’t a thick rail like today, either, making it a cooler spot). (I miss old school guardrails, and I’m glad they didn’t miss that detail when doing Old School RAW a couple weeks back. They still use them at house shows, though)  Steve tosses him hard into the steps, and then dives off the apron with a clothesline. He lifts the steps, but Hart kicks it away from him, so Austin throws him into the post! Inside, Steve takes a great swinging neckbreaker. 2nd rope elbow to the back of the neck (back when you could still work on Steve Austin’s neck) as Vince rants about Bret being a crybaby, and always complaining about being screwed. Note: We’re still 8 months away from Montreal, and Survivor Series. Now THAT’S foresight. Bret works the knee for a while, but takes a stunner to buy Austin time. Hart, the shark, kicks right at the knee to take over again, and hooks the ringpost figure four. No submission, however. Bret grabs the ring bell, and a chair, bringing both in. Big pops for that one. He tries to do what Austin did to Pillman to Austin (think “Pillmanize”), but Steve nails him with the chair to a monster pop. Another chair shot, as the crowd rallies behind Steve, but not yet against Bret. Cross corner whip hits hard, and a snap suplex follows. 2nd rope elbow for a big pop, as Ross goes off on WCW. (I always hated when the announcers would go off on the competition. Plus, sometimes it could backfire. Ask Tony Schiavone) Austin kicks him in the balls, as Bret’s daughter covers her eyes. Russian leg sweep, and Steve hooks on a submission hold, making a pretzel out of the Hitman. No quitting, however. Boston Crab applied, but Bret makes the ropes. Austin follows up with the Sharpshooter, so Hart rakes the eyes. You NEVER saw that from face Bret. Vince, while all this happens, contemplates what it would be like to see Bret submit to the Sharpshooter. “Hey, it could happen.” Again, we’re still 8 months from Survivor Series. They fight to the floor, and Austin gets thrown into the timekeepers area. Punches to the head, and Steve is busted open. It’s a gusher, and I think we all know how it ends up looking. Into the rail, as Bret continues to beat the living hell out of Stone Cold. Inside, Hart is a shark, but completely forgets about the knee, concentrating on the cut. The fans still are popping for him, however. Backbreaker and a 2nd rope elbow hit. He works the knee with the chair (thank you), drawing great face heat. Sharpshooter, but Austin rakes the eyes. Hey, it worked for Bret earlier. Bret keeps control, pounding him into the corner, but Steve kicks him in the nuts to stop him. Well, that’s one counter. Bret takes his sternum first cross corner bump, and Steve stomps a mudhole, drawing massive face heat. He puts him up top, and manages to superplex him off, all while bleeding all over the ring. Vince apologizes for the blood, since it’s still 1997. (Today they’d actually stop the match for a dramatic cut like that) Steve gets a mic cord, and chokes the life out of the Hitman, so Bret bashes him with the bell to escape. Whatever works for him. Back to the knee, Sharpshooter applied. Big pop for that, as Steve tries to press out, giving us the famous “blood spraying all over the place” visual. He manages to escape, getting as big a pop as Hart, but Bret gets it right back on! He tries his damnedest to fight back, but passes out (never saying “I quit,” mind you) to give Hart the win at 22:06.
 - Okay, now the interesting part. Bret celebrates his win to a nice ovation, and then makes the decision to go back to Austin, kicking the hell out of his knee. Bret receives some boos as a result. Shamrock stops him with a takedown, getting a massive pop, and drawing Bret big, big heel heat as he walks off. Refs comes out to try to assist the injured Austin, but stunners result, as Steve WANTS no help, and manages to walk off on his OWN. Big pop for that, and an “Austin” chant. Again, this match started the change of the wrestling landscape forever, and historically speaking is definitely worth watching, and the best part? A great, great match to go along with the history! **** ¾. Excellent, historic stuff.

- Backstage, the Nation threatens Ahmed Johnson and the Road Warriors. I always liked the Nation around this period. I didn’t like the gang wars, but the concept of the Nation was pretty neat, if you ask me.

- Six-Man Street Fight: Faarooq, Crush & Savio Vega vs. Ahmed Johnson & The Road Warriors: The faces bring the kitchen sink with them, which is a cute piece of attention to detail. This was a very smart match, from a booking standpoint, since a normal match would definitely be boring, but a hectic street fight would be just the opposite. Everyone brawls to start, as expected, but the questionable piece is why the faces take off their shoulder spikes in a street fight. Savio and Crush team up on Hawk, so Ahmed saves, while Simmons beats on Animal. Into the crowd, Ahmed senton’s onto Crush. Cool, cool spot. At ringside, Animal uses a trash can on Faarooq, and then lets Ahmed uses it on Crush. Inside Hawk dominates Vega, and he bails out when Hawk grabs a 2x4. Onto the French announce table (yes, they once had three) (And then later they were, like, ‘HAHAHA, fuck you, France!’ and went back to two), where Animal piledrives Faarooq. It doesn’t break, however, which makes it look all the more painful. He sprays him with a fire extinguisher next, and inside Savio kills Ahmed and Hawk. Hawk gets tossed into a street sign, as the action is just too much to call all at once. Ahmed whacks Faarooq with the can, and slams him through the French table, in a cool spot. Savio chokes Johnson out with a pipe to retaliate, so Animal attacks with a trash can. More blasts with the fire extinguisher for Ahmed, and plunder gets thrown inside. Everyone’s in now, and the Nation ties a rope around Ahmed’s neck, and hang him. Hawk stops it with some clotheslines, so Crush decks him. D-lo Brown (a heavy looking Nation enforcer, who would find fame later on) gets his shots in on Ahmed, which allows Savio to dump him into the crowd. In the meantime, Faarooq hangs Hawk, as the Nation flunkies beat the shit out of Johnson. Hawk slams Faarooq from the second rope to the floor, in a great bump, and gets the rope tied around HIS neck. Ahmed hangs him. Inside, Johnson spinebusters Faarooq, and goes for the Pearlriver Plunge, so everyone runs in. Faarooq bails, and D-lo goes off on Ahmed, while the LOD hit the Doomsday Device on Crush. Ahmed dumps Brown, and one 2x4 shot later, Animal pins Crush at 10:46. Ahmed should have pinned Faarooq there. Afterwards, the Nation attacks, so D-lo and PG-13 (a lackey tag group, that were rappers) get THEIR asses kicked, too. Look, six bad wrestlers all gotten rid of in one match (as opposed to LOD vs. Crush/Vega, and Ahmed vs. Faarooq in slow, boring matches) in one past paced, high-octane match-up. Works for me. ***.

- Shawn Michaels (you know the jackass who screwed us out of the return job to Bret at this show) comes out (“limp” and all) to do commentary on the main event. I love Shawn, but I hate him just as much. The crowd loves him, however. He even flashes the nWo sign during his entrance.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: Sid vs. The Undertaker: Oooh, goodie. What a screwed up main event this one is. I would have went with Bret/Austin for the title myself, but whatever. UT comes out in his original black outfit, with gray gloves, since this is a WWF title match at a WrestleMania, and all. It’s still the same guy, unfortunately. Cute sign in the crowd: It’s shaped like a pair of scissors, with “Sid” on one blade, and “Arn” on the other. (Heh)  Staredown to start, but out comes Bret Hart, as Shawn takes cheap shots. Just 10 seconds after saying how stupid it is when guest announcers do that. Man, I think he’s just broken his own record for hypocrisy. He runs down Shawn, and his “smile” problems, as Vince tries to calm Shawn down. Man, they look like they just wanna KILL eachother here, and McMahon is none to happy about it. I mean, damn. He then runs down the ‘Taker and Sid, so Sid powerbombs him, drawing a face pop. They should have had UT do it, because Sid is supposed to be the monster heel they’ve been building up, but whatever. Sid goes off on a rant on Hart, so UT jumps him, and hammers away. Stinger splash, as Shawn talks about how UT’s a team player, and never complains backstage. Ropewalk forearm, and another Stinger splash, so the champ bearhugs him. Gee, we’re like UNDER FOUR MINUTES IN, do you really need a rest? I guess he needed to take a dump, or something. Shawn then goes off on Lawler, saying he takes more moves than Lawler, since the King is too scared. Man, Shawn is such an asshole. The bearhug continues, however, and the only thing that keeps this the least bit interesting is the burns Shawn is providing. Big boot knocks UT out, and into the Spanish table. “I never want to sit at that table,” comments Shawn. He drops UT on the rail out there, and he slams him on the table, still not breaking it. We then hear that this is a no DQ match from Vince. Yeah, thanks for letting us know, eight minutes in. Into the post, and inside it gets two. The Sid-chinlock applied, as I praise him for working a part, but I fault him for sucking so much. Flying axe handle, and UT comes back with punches. Irish whip, but Sid powerslams him for a series of two counts. Legdrop (and, admittedly, Sid does a HELL of a legdrop) gets a series of twos, and some hair pulls follow it up. Criss cross allows UT a big jumping clothesline, but Sid keeps control, pounding him in the corner. UT fights back, and dumps Sid to the concrete, then into the crowd. Gee, ENOUGH of that spot tonight! (It was like a shiny new toy that everyone wanted to play with)  Slugfest out there, which ends up pretty evenly. UT tosses him into the steps, and then rolls him back in. Elbow drop misses, and Sid hooks another chinlock, as Shawn claims to be an objective commentator. Sure (…). UT punches his way out, and nicely powerslams him for two. Nerve hold, since we haven’t had enough rest yet. Whose bright idea was it to put in two big guys, who blow up, and need to rest so much in a WrestleMania main event? (I believe that was Vince McMahon)  No wonder the buyrate was so lousy. Double big boot puts both men down, and Sid recovers first, getting a two count out of it. 2nd rope axehandle hits, and a 2nd rope clothesline follows for two. Up to the 2nd rope again, for the axehandle, but UT nails him on the way down. Sid still slams him, and goes upstairs. He gets caught, however, and slammed off. UT goes upstairs, and a flying clothesline gets two. Tombstone gets called for, but Sid reverses, connects, and gets two! To the floor, Sid hammers. ‘Taker comes back with a choke, and HERE’S BRET! Chair shots for Sid, which allows ‘Taker to bash the champ to the post. Inside, chokeslam finds it’s mark for two. Criss cross, and Taker tries the jumping clothesline, but misses. Sid with the powerbomb, but out comes Hart again! That distracts Sid, and allows the Undertaker to tombstone him for the pin, and the title, at 23:52. Dear G-D, who booked a 25-minute match for these two? It had it’s decent moments, and as an eight-minute mid-card match, I wouldn’t really complain at all. But as a 25-minute main event of a WrestleMania, I think I have a right to bitch JUST A LITTLE BIT. ¾*.

- Bottom Line: Terrible excuse for a main event aside, this isn’t quite as bad as I remembered it to be. Back then, I missed the old days, and this “prelude to Attitude” show wasn’t something I wanted to see. But today, accustomed to the new style, it isn’t AS bad. The Hart/Austin match is a classic, the street fight and tag title matches are good, and the rest is decent, albeit unspectacular. Still, this show rubs me the wrong way, in a lot of instances.

- Mildly Recommended.