HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Bret 'Hitman' Hart

- The HITMAN383 Rant for Coliseum Video’s Bret Hitman Hart. This is part of a seven video purchase I made out in Jersey this week which included a couple King of the Ring’s (’95 and ’97), a couple Survivor Series’ (’95 and ’96), and two Bret Hart tapes. Plus one In Your House (Cold Day in Hell). This one is from 1994, during his title reign. (Originally written in June 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Johnny Polo, who you know today as “Raven.” (…and today as ‘that weird guy behind 7-11’)

- Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler: This was a home video exclusive shot during a “Wrestling Challenge” taping, presumably in the fall of 1993. Lawler is all trash talk before Hart comes out, but once Bret is there, Lawler is all stalls, of course. Bret responds by dropping him on his nose with a faceslam, and the King bails. Bret starts a “Burger King” chant to goad him back in, and then kicks his ass again. You know, my girlfriend works at a Burger King, and every time I go in there today, it makes me want to start a chant, or something. (Did it once. Didn’t go over well) Anyway, Bret continues to pound him, so Lawler sticks his hand down his pants to love himself, since the crowd isn’t giving him any. Oh, wait, no. He’s pulling out a phantom foreign object! He nails Hart with it, and then goes to work on him, even taking the time to taunt the crowd in the mic while he does it. Piledriver only gets two, shocking the King, and about ¾ of the population of the city of Memphis. (Did Bret ever sell Lawler’s piledriver?) Second try, but Bret backdrops him. Backbreaker, and he hammers away, but accidentally hits the ref, too. That allows Lawler to jab him with the crown in the eye, and get the pin (with two feet on the ropes, of course) at 8:32. However, another referee comes down, and orders Lawler back in the ring, or face suspension. Bret helps Jerry make his decision by jumping him in the aisle, and hits a Russian leg sweep inside. Suplex, and the 2nd rope elbow gets two. Backdrop gets two, and an inside cradle gets the real win at 9:46. Bret’s not done, however, and wants to slap the Sharpshooter on him, but the officials break it up before he can. Match was a total DUD, as Bret’s style, and Lawler’s Memphis heel style never really clicked very well together.

- Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: From a Wrestling Challenge taping in late ’93, and Shawn is still carting around the “fake” IC belt. They feel eachother out to start, until Shawn misses a Stinger splash, and Bret works the now battered shoulder. Shawn fights his way into control, however, and Bret takes his famous cross corner bump. Snapmare goes into the knee-to-neck chinlock, but Bret quickly breaks out. Shawn tries a dropkick to slow him down, but gets caught, and slingshot into the corner. Atomic drop, and a diving clothesline get two. Russian leg sweep gets two, and a backbreaker connects. 2nd rope elbow gets two, and Bret gets frustrated. He tries a reverse roll up, but Shawn ducks through, and Bret tumbles to the outside into the waiting arms of Diesel. He takes his potshots, and rolls Bret in for more abuse. Piledriver, but Owen Hart runs in (this is pre-Survivor Series ’93), and stops the assault at 7:47 to give Shawn a DQ win. Well, that was certainly an awkward ending. I guess neither guy needed (or more like “wanted”) to job. Anyway, the match was certainly okay-ish, but nothing to add to the archives. **.

- We get a highlight reel of Bret’s biggest moments. We get a peek at his IC title win at SummerSlam ’91, the Ladder match with Shawn Michaels, and the WWF title win over Flair. Since I have all three of those particular matches in full anyway, it doesn’t really mean much to me, but it was definitely a nice touch.

- Bret Hart vs. IRS: From early 1994, at another TV taping. Bret out wrestles him to start, so IRS counters by stalling. Bret slaps on a mat-based headlock, but both guys have enough ringsmarts to know how to make the hold interesting. More stalling once IRS breaks free of the headlock. He does take the time to snag an object from under the ring to nail Bret with, however, and then works on his knee for the better part if the match. It seems that the formula for Bret vs. JTTS matches is that Bret controls to start, heel gets a cheap shot in to take control, and eventually Bret makes the comeback. (Pretty standard babyface formula, really) In this case, it comes when Hart breaks free of a chinlcok, and goes t work. Russian leg sweep hits, and an inside cradle gets two. Backbreaker, and the 2nd rope elbow get two. Now HERE’S Bret’s genius, when he does the elbow, he lands on his knees, so he SELLS the pain there, because Irwin has been working the knee. IRS takes note, and pounds the area, then dumps him out. Cue Owen Hart, now a heel, who makes fun of the knee he injured back at the Royal Rumble. He rolls Bret back in, but IRS accidentally whips Bret into Owen (who is standing on the apron), and IRS gets rolled up to give Bret the win at 13:16. Too long for what it was, but I definitely appreciated the irony play in the ending, as a nod to Survivor Series ’93 (where the family feud began). Call it ¼*.

- Bret Hart vs. Adam Bomb: From early 1994. Long feeling out process to start, until Bret gets some pepper in the ass, and knocks Bomb to the floor. Back inside, Bret works the arm, but takes a powerslam. Bomb goes to work, as I notice for the first time that Adam Bomb has a pretty big gut at this point. I don’t know why that stirs me as strange, but I just never noticed it all these years, I guess. Bret manages a sunset flip for two, but still gets beat up. Sidewalk slam gets two, and he goes to the chinlock. Ah, yes. The chinlock. Because WHAT would Coliseum Video be without it? (If you cut all the restholds out, I’m pretty sure no Coliseum Video would ever run over 20 minutes in length) Bret tries to comeback by punching him in the stomach, but the power of flab overcomes him, and Bomb keeps control on the Hitman. He runs into his boot, however and a 2nd rope bulldog gets two. Atomic drop, and a diving clothesline get two. Russian leg sweep gets two, but the 2nd rope elbow misses. Bomb hits a double chokeslam, and heads upstairs, but Bret slams him off. Sharpshooter, and we’re done at 11:27. Nothing match. ¼*.

- Bret Hart vs. Kwang: From early 1994. Feeling out process to start, and Hart goes to the arm to take control, but eats spinkick. Bret gets some mist in the eyes for good measure, and we go to the nerve hold. G-D bless rest holds, I’ll tell ya. Bret gets sick of him, and cradles him for the pin, but referee Bill Alfonso is caught up discussing heel manager tactics with Harvey Wippleman, and can’t make the count. Superkick gets two, and we go back to the nerve hold. Another spinkick misses, however, and Bret goes on the attack. Russian leg sweep gets two, and a backbreaker follows. 2nd rope elbow hits, too, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 7:48. Man, you know it’s just an extended squash for Bret when he doesn’t even bother covering after the elbow, and just runs through the big moves without even stopping. And then you know it’s a big match when he covers after every one, and adds the bulldog and suplex to it. ¼*.

- Next, Bret shows us how the WWF scales a building to make it look bigger (more full) than it is. Okay, that wasn’t the POINT of the segment, but that’s exactly what it does.

- We get a look at King of the Ring ’93, and Bret’s three wins, including Jerry Lawler’s sneak attack afterwards. This should have proceeded the Lawler match, definitely. Anyway, again, I’ve seen it all before, but if you haven’t, it certainly doesn’t hurt.

- Cage Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: From Mid ’93, in a dark match at a Superstars taping, when Shawn was still the Intercontinental champion, and these two could have a good match without wanting to kill eachother. This is non-title, however, and I believe the only meeting between the two inside a steel cage. Anyway, Shawn jumps Bret on the way in, and tosses him into the cage a couple times. Cross corner bump, and then another leave Bret dead. Shawn tries a dropkick, but gets caught, and slingshot into the cage, ala the earlier match. Bret goes to work now, hitting a backbreaker. He climbs, but Shawn tugs him back inside to ram him into the cage some more. Slugfest won by Shawn, and he rams Bret into the steel in a nasty looking bump. That allows him to try for the door, but there’s Bret to play “pull you back, I dive, repeat” just like at SummerSlam ’94. Shawn’s answer to this: slingshoot him UNDER the bottom rope to choke him out. He climbs again, and gets just about out of there, but Bret’s there again, and they fight it out up there. Bret ends up kicking him off (literally), and trying for the climb, but Shawn sweeps the legs out, and Bret crotches himself. Ouch. Shawn goes for the door, as it becomes obvious that the WWF has PUMPED in the canned heat for this one, since the crowd seems to be all of 1,000 people for this show. Bret takes a measure of justice to stop Michaels from getting out the door (crotching him), but ends up getting choked out anyhow. Superkick (before it meant all that much), and Shawn climbs, but there’s Bret to kick him off again. He climbs now, but Shawn LEAPS up the cage (impressive spot there) to tug him down by the hair. Sleeper by Shawn, but Bret rams him into the steel to break out. Both men climb now, and slug it out up there, then BOTH climb down. Shawn ends up getting knocked over (and caught upside down), allowing Bret to jump down for the win at 11:36. This was like a mini-template for the SummerSlam ’94 cage match with Owen (down to the ending being EXACTLY the same), minus all the really big spots (such as the superplex off the top). Still, Bret and Owen pretty obviously sat down and watched this before they did THAT one, since pretty much the whole match had the same spots, and flow. ***.

- WWF Title Match: Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart: From WrestleMania X. You know what? I’ll actually review this again, and not just cut and paste from my WrestleMania X rant. Anyway, Yoko jumps him on the way in, and beats the holy hell out of him for a long while. Big splash misses, however, and Bret fires away with the fists. Headbutt knocks the champ over, but takes Bret out, too. Superkick by Yoko, and a rake to the eyes for good measure. Bret still fires away, however, and drops him again for two, as Jim Cornette pulls referee Roddy Piper out. Piper kills him, of course. Yoko with a low blow, and some chokes to drive home the point. Big legdrop kills Bret dead, and he throws him over the top to really knock him out. Bret beats the fast count back in (hey, I’m sure Vince was just happy Roddy COULD count to ten at this point), (He was so proud, he gave him the main event of the next pay per view) and Yoko abuses him in the corner. Avalanche misses, however, and Bret catches him with a 2nd rope bulldog for two. Man, the WWF even pumped in canned heat for THIS match, of all matches. 2nd rope elbow gets two. Diving clothesline gets two. Flying clothesline, but Yoko catches him with a belly to belly, and flattens him. 2nd rope butt splash time, but Yoko trips off, and Bret wins his second WWF title at 10:30. ½*, but who gives a shit? The crowd goes absolutely INSANE for this, and it’s literally a huge celebration in Madison Square Garden. Vince McMahon, too, is just going nuts on commentary.

- Bottom Line: Considering your subject matter is Bret Hart, you’d think that would be a definite candidate for “best Coliseum tape ever,” but alas, it isn’t. The only two worthwhile things are the last two matches, and SummerSlam 1994 features the same cage match (albeit better, and with Owen replacing Shawn), and WrestleMania X has the title bout, so I wouldn’t really bother with this one. I guess the cage match is worth a look, however, for those interested in the template for the more famous version, for the same reason as all those Savage vs. Steamboat matches from around 1986 are sought after today. Otherwise…

- Recommendation to Avoid. (Not that you have much choice, as the lazy bastards at the Network haven’t gotten around to adding even ONE Coliseum Video yet)