HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Home Video: Mick Foley, Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Home Video’s “Mick Foley: Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops” DVD. I picked this one up recently, so why not give it a go? (Originally written in the summer of 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your Host is Mick Foley.

- Content wise, this is nothing really special. Just essentially a rundown of some of Foley’s antics on WWF TV, and such. Nothing that really should send you scurrying to buy the DVD. However, it also has a “knocks” section, which is five of Mick’s favorite matches, and that alone made me put the money down for it. So, that’s what I’m really going to review, since the rest is not something worth my time anyway.

- WWF Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mankind: This is the very famous match from In Your House, “Mind Games,” in September 1996, and one I have never actually seen. Mick also considers it the best match of his career, so that alone already gets me pumped up to see it. Criss cross off the bat allows Mankind to blast him with a back elbow, and hammer away on the WWF champion. Backdrop, and the Cactus clothesline floors both. Shawn takes a bump into the rail, but comes back with a dropkick right away. Upstairs, he drops a bodypress onto Mick, and then rams his head into the exposed concrete. Inside, Shawn hits a flying axehandle. Punches stager Mick, and a clothesline drops him. Slam, and Shawn goes up again. Flying elbowdrop hits, and it’s superkick time. Foley has it well scouted, however, and bails out like he’s being shot at. Slugfest back inside goes Michaels’ way, but Mick avoids a bodypress. That pisses Shawn off, and he tackles Mick with punches, in a spot done to throw off those that thought that Shawn might throw another temper tantrum (ala SummerSlam the month before) if Mick was out of position for a spot. Foley comes back with a clothesline, and he dumps the champion. He moves the Spanish announce table around a bit, but all of a sudden Shawn flies in to stop him. He suplexes him onto the steps (in a vicious spot) taking out the knee. Inside, Shawn chop blocks the knee, and then rams it into the casket that Foley brought with him to the ring. Another slugfest won by Mick, but the knee injury stops him from going to work. Shawn responds with a corkscrew legsweep, and the figure four. Mick escapes, however, so Shawn dropkicks the knee, and hooks a half crab. Foley makes the ropes pretty quickly, so Shawn goes into a sunset flip for two. Rana, but Mick turns it around into a stun gun to kill Shawn. He grabs a spike from Paul Bearer, but not to use on Shawn, rather to stab his own bad leg in frustration. When that fails, he rams Shawn with the bad knee, trying to jumpstart it. A couple of faceslams put Michaels down, but he comes back with a nice side suplex. Criss cross allows Shawn to trip him up, but Foley catches him with a big cross corner whip. Shawn takes the Flair flip, of course, and ends up getting caught in the tree of woe for some abuse. Good set up to the tree of woe spot, there. Mankind kicks Shawn out of the ring, and tries a running knee into the steps, but ends up just nailing steel instead of flesh. Shawn with a drop toe hold on to the steps, and they brawl up to the apron. Foley tries a charge there, but hits the post instead of Shawn, and is down. Shawn brings him in, and hits a powerslam for two. Backdrop fails, so he throws Mick into the ropes for the eat-cutter spot. Foley manages to fall to the floor from there, so Shawn follows out, throwing Mick into the rail. Mick tries a punch to comeback, but hits a chair instead, one which Shawn then takes out Mick’s knee with, and whacks the mandible claw hand. Inside, Shawn actually works the hand, and takes off Mick’s finger device. He charges at the challenger with a big shoulderblock, but ends up getting backdropped to the floor instead, in a great looking spot. Mick follows out with a big elbowdrop from the apron, and a neckbreaker on the floor. In the ring, Mankind hits the double arm DDT for two, and a piledriver gets another two. They play the multiple covers game, just because they know how much I like it, and when Mick can’t get the pin, he goes into convulsions. He starts throwing chairs into the ring, which isn’t so smart to do so close to the ECW arena. Mankind puts him in the casket, but Shawn fights out, and hits a diving clothesline for two. He kicks the shit out of Mick, and slams him. Up top, a flying bodypress gets two. Up again, but this time Mick crotches him. He follows up, and tries a side suplex off, but Shawn turns it around into a bodypress through the Spanish announce table. That doesn’t stop Mankind, however, who stalks Michaels in the ring with a chair. He goes up top with it, but there’s Shawn to dropkick it into his face. That gets two, when Vader runs in, and causes a DQ letting Shawn keep his WWF title at 26:21. Terrific match, marred by a bad ending. Still, **** ½. (Bumped this up to **** ¾ on the BUExperience. Brilliant match)

- Mankind vs. Steve Austin: From RAW, the night after Survivor Series 1996. (Oh yeah, I remember this. It was billed as a ‘toughman’ match) They have a massive brawl on the floor to start, before the bell even sounds, and once they finally get in the ring, both men are already pretty well battered. Austin takes over, and beats Mick from corner to corner, and hits a diving clothesline. Punch floors Foley, so he takes the opportunity to snag a steel chair. Austin’s right there, however, and kicks it away from him, then tosses him into the rail. Back inside, Mick hooks the claw, but Austin kicks him in the balls to break. Backdrop, but Mick counters with a neckbreaker. Lariat grounds Steve-o, but a piledriver fails. Mick changes gears, and hits a stunner instead, then goes up top. Austin meets him with a flurry of punches, however, and slams him off. 2nd rope elbow gets two, but the Executioner runs out to assault Austin at 7:08 for the DQ. The match certainly wasn’t BORING, but that doesn’t mean it was any good, either. ¼*.

- Empty Arena WWF Title Match: The Rock vs. Mankind: From “Halftime Heat” a show held during halftime of the 1999 Superbowl. The concept is that the arena is empty (yet they still come out to their videos, and play to the non-existent crowd), and they can do anything they want. Slugfest to start, won by Mick, and he hits a back elbow for two. Double arm DDT gets two, and Mick pulls Mr. Socko. He hooks the claw on early, but Rock falls through the ropes to escape. Mankind follows, and hits a neckbreaker out there for two. Into the announce table, where Evil Vince is doing solo commentary, as if this was 1994 again. Rock throws Mick through the rail, into the, uh, crowd (??), where he throws Mick into the rows and rows of empty chairs. He stops to commentate on his own match, ala Jerry Lawler (Referencing Lawler seems appropriate here), but Mick jumps him with the claw. Rock uses a low blow to stop THAT effort, and they start to fight up the stairs of the arena. Rock is a bit quicker, however, and meets Mick at the top with a garbage can shot. He then kicks Mick down the stairs (quite literally, too), in an impressive spot, and continues the beating at the bottom. They fight to the back, and end up in the kitchen, where Rocky throws Mick into a big thing of cotton candy. He tries to pit him in an oven, but that fails, so he whacks him with a cookie sheet. Well, atleast for once, the cookie sheet is applicable. A shot with a loaf of bread (yes, a loaf of bread) gets two (It could be stale!), so Rock downs a little wine to relax. Mick throws him into some dishes, and grabs a big bag of popcorn to beat him with. Hey, I used to work at a theater, and let me tell you those motherfuckers are heavy. Into the buffet area, a food fight ensues, and Rock throws some tomato sauce in the eyes. Hey, goombah style! Backdrop on the floor, and the champ beats him with fruit. Low blow gets Mick two, so Rock uses a punch bowl on him. He pours a Pepsi on him, and we go to some office in the arena. Rock beats him up there, using props like phones to do it. They fight through the hallways a bit, where Mankind takes control, and they get to the loading dock. Mankind gets the claw on again, and then pins Rock under a palate (using a crane to do it) in a really contrived, stupid looking spot at 17:17. Match was nothing special, but like nothing else you’ve ever seen, that’s for sure. ¼*. (Not that this review is bad, but I really need to re-watch this match and do a BUExperience on it. Post it, Network idiots!)

- WWF Title Match: Steve Austin vs. Dude Love: From Over the Edge, in May 1998. This is the angle that delivered the WWF’s dethroning of WCW as ratings king on Monday nights for the first time in something like 82 weeks. Mick is clean shaven, has capped teeth, and is wearing a sport jacket to really drive home the corporate stooge gimmick. Vince McMahon is also the referee for this, with Pat Patterson acting as the ring announcer, and Gerald Brisco as the timekeeper. Austin is also wildly over. Before we even get underway, however, the Undertaker comes out appoint himself the special enforcer for this match. Austin and Love scuffle around to start, with Dude keeping the upperhand, but Steve hits him so hard he knocks his capped teeth out. Thesz press draws a thunderous ovation, and he clotheslines his challenger to the floor. Austin follows, but Dude introduces him to the steel steps rather quickly. Inside, Dude with a Russian leg sweep for two, and a cross corner clothesline gets two. The crowd valiantly cheers on the Rattlesnake, and he comes back with a neckbreaker. He keeps pounding away, but Dude hooks the claw on, which prompts Austin to hook him in the “ear cutter” rope spot. Into the Spanish announce position they go (even then it was already getting a little old), as Patterson reminds us that this match is no DQ. That allows Mick to choke Steve with a mic chord, but Steve must be one to believe that turnaround is fair play, because he follows that up by dropping Mick right on his head in the crowd. That was a vicious bump, let me tell you. Inside, Steve misses the Nash rope choke spot, so Mick baseball slides him out of the ring. Neckbreaker hits in the aisle, which Vince decides was a good spot, so Patterson reminds us that in this match falls count anywhere. Mick gets two, and a backslide gets another two. Austin comes back with a lariat, and charges Foley, but Mick backdrops him onto the hood of an old car (part of the set) for two. Again, turnaround is fair play, because Steve stun guns Mick onto another car for two. Steve tries a stunner on the hood of a car, but Foley pushes him off, and then sunset flips him for two. Another nice spot, right on the concrete. Dude forces Steve to eat hood again, busting him open, and then backdrops him on the floor for two. Dude with a suplex, and he climbs the car for a big flying Cactus elbow, but it misses. Steve literally kicks him back down to ringside, and feeds him a hearty helping of steps. Inside, Patterson trips Austin up, and Mick clotheslines him to takeover again. The turnbuckle pad disappears, and Steve meets the steel. Running knee hits, and he goes to the chinlock. Mick borrows a chair from Patterson (I wonder if he ever returned it?), which he gives to Austin’s lower back as a gift. Double arm DDT onto said chair gets two, but Austin doesn’t want Mick’s head to feel left out, and kicks the thing in his face. He follows up with a baseball bat type swing with it, but Vince refuses to count. As they argue, Mick comes back with the chair, but Austin ducks, and it hits Vince. Stunner on Foley, but Vince is out, so another ref runs out. Patterson stops that, however, and Foley hooks the claw again. Patterson counts himself, but the Undertaker stops that, and chokeslams both he and Brisco through separate tables. Stunner again, and Steve literally forces Vince’s hand to count the fall at 22:16, as the crowd counts along. Terrific match, establishing a whole new WWF style, and providing a great mix of sports entertainment and wrestling. ****. (I actually just did the BUExperience on this one last month. Downgraded it to *** ½, but it’s still a hell of a match, and worth inclusion)

- Kennel in a Cell Match: Al Snow vs. The Big Bossman: This is a match where a steel cage (blue bar style) was erected, and a hell in the cell cage around it. In between we have a pack of “angry” dogs to “kill” the participants. This is from Unforgiven ’99, ending one of the worst angles of all time, and was considered the worst matches of the year. Why is this here then? Mick Foley and Kevin Kelly overdub the original commentary of this match, mocking how incredibly stupid is obviously is. Snow jumps him right away, and locks him out of the blue cage, right as the dogs are being led in. They let them in, but as opposed to being vicious at the Bossman, they spend their time pissing on the mat, and wagging their tails. Bossman still runs up the cage us if they are evil, however. Bossman suplexes Snow off the top of the cage to the mat (in a only half-decent bump), and then goes to work with a cookie sheet. Bossman opens up a roof patch of the cell, and tries to escape, but Snow stops him. Bossman grabs some powder to stop that, but he gets it kicked in his face, and somehow that busts him open. Meanwhile, the dogs fuck, as Kelly and Foley speculate that maybe they are trying to reproduce MORE killing machines. This is just hilarious, but what is sad is that the WWF actually tried to sell this as serious business in 1999. Bossman then cuffs Snow to the rope, and climbs, but Snow breaks out, and crotches the Bossman. Snow grabs Head, and nails Bossman with it, and escapes to the floor at 11:24. The hilarious commentary makes this match interesting enough, and boosts up the rating to -**, which would otherwise be a lot lower.

- Bottom Line: Well, everything serves its purpose here. Kennel in a Cell provides some comedy, the Empty Arena Match is something innovative and interesting, and the two WWF title matches are both excellent classics. The only lowlight is the first Austin vs. Foley match, but 4 out of 5 ain’t half bad. Combine that with the material on the DVD, and you’ve got a winner.

- Recommended.