WWF St. Valentine's Day Massacre (February 1999)

From Memphis, Tennessee; Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Opening Match: Goldust v Bluedust: Goldust attacks before the bell, and hits a quick spinebuster, followed by an inverted sitout facebuster. Clothesline sends Bluedust running, and he stalls on the floor until Goldust drags him in by the hair. It backfires when Bluedust attacks the leg on the way in, and he takes Goldust down for a spinning-toehold. Goldust comes back by spanking his bare ass. No, really. Shattered Dreams, but Bluedust lifts his boot to block, and goes for a flying moonsault - only for that to miss as well, and Goldust to hit the Curtain Call for the pin at 3:07. This would have been rushed for a TV match. Plus, any match where a spanking is a major spot (outside of Divas matches, of course) is pretty much an automatic DUD. DUD

WWF Hardcore Title Match: Al Snow v Bob Holly: This is for the vacant title. Snow attacks him on the way in, and quickly dumps him to the floor for a chairshot. Into the crowd, they trade sprays with a fire extinguisher, and it must have worked, because the heat is gone from the crowd for this. They brawl around the backstage area, and out of the building. More shots traded, and they end up fighting down to the banks of the Mississippi River, where Holly wraps Snow up in a piece of fencing, and pins him for the title at 10:02. I'm burned out on the style, but it was still fresh at the time, so I can't really knock it. That said, these have their place, and I didn't really start hating them until almost every damn main event followed this template in 1999, on both damn channels. ¼*

Big Bossman v Mideon: Mideon works a headlock right away, but Bossman shoves him off, as Cole and Lawler review all of Mideon's past gimmicks. Thank God they didn't do that for Bossman - it's only a three hour show! Bossman hammers him in the corner, but Mideon reverses a cross corner clothesline, and out to the floor, Mideon smashes Bossman's hand into the steps. Bossman manages a snap across the top rope on the way back in, however, and he chokes Mideon on the mat for a while. Mideon with another cross corner clothesline, and he chokes away in the corner. If this is as boring to read as it is to watch, feel free to skip ahead. Bossman with a straddling ropechoke, and a full-nelson. I feel like I should just write this match as a haiku, or something, since there's no flow whatsoever, and neither guy hits more than two moves in a row. Mideon with a side suplex and mounted punches. Double-clothesline leads to a slugfest on their knees, and a Bossman Slam finishes things at 6:20. This had no place on pay per view. –¼*

WWF Tag Team Title Match: Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett v D-Lo Brown and Mark Henry: Well, at least this might not suck. Owen starts with Mark, and the two former Nation members jaw at each other. Hart slaps him across the face, but that proves to be a mistake, and Henry throws him around the ring for a bit. Tag to Brown, and he smacks Owen with a backelbow out of the ropes, but gets bulldogged when trying the Sky High, and Jarrett tags in for a dropkick. Brown powerslams him to block a follow-up maneuver, and Henry runs in to clothesline both champions. Cue Debra for a distraction, but the challengers have Ivory now, so they don't care. Good for them. Jarrett still manages to catch D-Lo in a single-arm DDT, and the champions cut the ring in half. Brown manages to counter a ten-punch from Owen with a sitout powerbomb, and that allows the tag to Mark. Henry is a house of arson to trigger a four-way brawl, but Debra runs interference again, and Owen breaks a guitar over Henry's back, allowing Jarrett the figure four to retain at 9:34. Had potential, but never really came together, unfortunately. Like, it didn't fall apart. It just never clicked to begin with. ¼*

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Ken Shamrock v Val Venis: Billy Gunn acts as the special guest referee for this (borrowing Shawn Michaels' bicycle shorts for the occasion), since you can't even say 'Intercontinental Title' without thinking of Billy Gunn. Ken charges in, but Val is ready, and hammers him in the corner, but Ken blasts him with a roundhouse kick, and unloads a series of them in the corner. Hard cross corner whip and a lariat set up more kicks from the champion, and Val ends up on the floor. This match is going nowhere fast, and the crowd is giving them nothing to boot. Back in, Ken stomps him, and hits a bodyslam to set up a kneedrop. Vertical suplex, but Venis reverses, and hits an inverted atomic drop. Backelbow for two, and a double-underhook suplex sets up a backbreaker into a backbreaker submission. Ken won't give, so Val shoves him out to the floor for a few post shots to the back, then in for a camel clutch. Ken escapes, but gets snapmarred by the challenger, and cradled for two. Bodyslam sets up a chinlock, as I long for the Bossman match again. At least that would have been over by this point. Val with a stungun, as the crowd gets restless. Seriously, someone call an audible and go home, because these guys are just dying out there. Val telegraphs a backdrop to allow Ken a DDT for the pin, but Gunn won't count. Ken gets understandably pissed, but as he argues with him about it, Venis sneaks up with a sleeper. Shamrock manages a side suplex to escape, though given Gunn's bias, he really should just roll to the floor and take a countout so he doesn't lose the belt. Why fight on? Powerslam, but again Billy is throwing slow counts. Val hits a fisherman’s suplex for two, and a Russian legsweep sets up the Money Shot, but he takes too long, and gets slammed off the top rope. Ken snaps off a leg lariat, and hits a rana - no count from Gunn. Belly-to-belly suplex sets up the Anklelock, but Ryan Shamrock (Ken's kayfabe sister, and the catalyst for this match) helps Val to the ropes. Ken is understandably pissed, but stupidly takes it out on Gunn, and Venis cradles him for the pin - fast counted by Billy at 15:52. Hey, told ya so. Really long, dull match, with both guys looking slow and burned out, as well as out of their league at this level. ¼*

Mixed Tag Team Match: Degeneration-X v The Corporation: Triple H starts with Kane, and quickly takes a short-clothesline. Kane hammers him in the corner, and hits a big boot, but misses an elbowdrop - Hunter tagging out. X-Pac comes in with lightning kicks in the corner, but Kane shrugs him off, and destroys him over there. Chyna demands to be tagged in, and she slaughters her future fuck-buddy with shoulderblocks, but gets reversed in the corner. She manages to roll out to avoid the bronco buster, and tags back to Kane. X-Pac uses his speed to take Kane down, and Hunter tags in for a flying axehandle. Cheapshot from Chyna stops that effort quickly, however, and Kane bodyslams him to set up a flying clothesline. Tag to Chyna for a suplex, but HHH reverses - only to get his eyes raked, and Chyna to bodyslam him. Tag to X-Pac, and he works her arm, but also gets his eyes raked, and Kane tags back in. DX double-up on him, but X-Pac can't keep it going solo, and gets slammed. Chyna adds a running powerslam for two - a spot I love, which we never see enough of. They cut the ring in half on X-Pac for a while, until he side suplexes his way out of a Chyna sleeper (to a great crowd reaction), and tags. HHH comes in hot for the four-way brawl sequence, but Kane stops him from Pedigreeing Chyna, and chokeslams him for her to pin at 14:45. Would have been more interested had Kane fucked her in real life, too. The crowd was into it the whole way through though, which is a first for tonight. *

WWF Title Last Man Standing Match: Mankind v The Rock: For those keeping track, yes, this is the fourth pay per view in a row headlined by these two. And that's not even counting the Halftime Heat of RAW title changes during this period. Mankind offers Rock a free shot at the bell, and the challenger wastes no time taking him up on it. He pounds the knee, but walks into a shot with the title belt, and takes an eight-count to establish the rules for the fans. They spill out for a brawl over to the entrance set, and Rock gets whipped around. Over to the WWF.com table, Mankind DDTs his challenger through it (making a great 'crunch' sound on impact), but Rock beats the count again. Behind the curtain, Mankind whips him into some bleacher seats behind the entrance set, but gets side suplexed on the concrete as they head back towards the ring. He beats the count up, so Rock kicks his ass down to ringside - only to have a whip into the steps reversed. Rock beats the count and rolls in, so Mankind bodyslams him to set up a People's Elbow - which misses. Rock knocks him out of the ring again, then suplexes him three times in a row on the floor. Rock decides to take a break and commentate on his own match, but Mankind beats the count, and attacks him - knocking him onto the table, and then diving onto him with the Cactus elbow. That's worth an eight-count, so Mankind smacks him into the steps next, and then back in, he charges with the steps - only to get them kicked back into his face. Rock grabs a chair for some shots to the knee, but one shot with that backfires at HIM, and Mankind Cactus clotheslines him out. Swinging neckbreaker out there, and back over to the announce position, Mankind tries a piledriver through the table, but gets backdropped into the timekeepers table instead - hurting his knee. He beats the count, so Rock THROWS the steps at him (and I mean, really launches the thing), but Mankind still beats the count. Back in, Rock bodyslams him to set up the Peoples Elbow, but Mankind beats the count, and slaps on the Mandible Claw! The referee gets taken out in the process, however, and by the time he returns, Rock is able to beat the count, and DDT the champion. Mankind up at seven, and hits his own DDT onto a chair, but Rock beats the count. Claw, but Rock Bottom's him to escape. That leaves both guys down for the count, but they're up at eight. Both grab chairs and simultaneously swing, however, and that knocks them both out for the count at 21:54. Given that the entire buildup for this heavily stressed that there 'must be a winner,' that earns them a hearty 'bullshit' chant from the crowd, and deservedly so. Didn't really care for it before the bullshit ending, either, with too much reliance on brawling. *

Main Event: #1 Contenders Cage Match: Steve Austin v Vince McMahon: Believe it or not, this is actually the first real meeting between them, after almost a year and a half of build. McMahon stalls like crazy, refusing to get into the cage, so Austin chases him on the floor. The chase allows Vince to climb in, and now he works to keep Austin out. He knocks Steve off the cage when he tries climbing in, and Austin hurts his knee, so Vince exits to go after him - only for Austin to reveal he was faking, and blast Vince with a clothesline. The look of pure glee on Austin's face the whole time is tremendous, too. Shot into the announce table and the side of the cage allow Stone Cold to choke him with a cable, and he dumps him into the front row for some mud hole stomping. Even the security guys seem to be enjoying this, which is the true test of whether or not something is working. Kinda like the 'car test' in Once. Vince manages to reverse another shot into the cage, but hops over the rail to taunt Austin from a safe distance in another great bit. Austin responds by jumping over the rail and chasing Vince halfway up the arena for a beating on the stairs, then back to ringside. Vince lamely tries climbing into the cage to evade Austin, and Steve toys with him before pulling him back down for more abuse. Vince climbs again, so this time Austin follows and punches him off - McMahon freefalling backwards through the announce table, in an impressive bump. EMTs rush out to cart him away, but Austin objects - knocking him off the stretcher in dramatic fashion, and then beating him with it for good measure. He forces Vince into the cage, and the match officially starts after over ten minutes of bonus beating. Inside, Austin drops a pointed elbow, and rips the neck brace the EMTs put on Vince off. 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop hits, then another - just because he can. Austin decides that's enough, and walks out, but before he touches the ground, he turns to see McMahon giving him the finger, and decides to go back and teach him a lesson. He stomps a mud hole in the corner, so Vince blows him low, and tosses him into the cage. He climbs, but Austin catches him up top, and rams him into the steel to draw blood. Austin climbs, but Vince shoots him the bird again (sobbing as he does, in a great visual), so Steve hops back down and delivers the Stunner. Okay, good enough, and Austin decides to finally escape, when suddenly a hole opens up, and Paul Wight (the Big Show) pops through it, in his WWF debut. He tosses Austin around like a child, but one big launch into the side of the cage backfires, as Austin hits so hard that the cage swings open, and he ends up on the floor for the win at 7:52. Perfect! Not a great match by any stretch of the imagination, but brilliantly booked to allow them to work an entertaining, satisfying style, a creative finish, and introducing something to build the angle further. Better than expected, and McMahon just went out there and sold like a champ - physically and emotionally getting his ass handed to him from bell to bell, and giving the fans what they want. ** ¾

BUExperience: The main event is super fun, and super entertaining, but it’s not near enough to save this show, unfortunately. I probably wouldn’t feel ripped off if I were watching this live on pay per view, because the main event was satisfying, and ended in a big surprise (no pun intended), but it’s definitely not worth a rewatch fifteen years later.

DUD