HITMAN383 Rant for WWF King of the Ring 1998

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF King of the Ring 1998. A really famous show, that has been asked for a couple of times. I’m here to serve, damnit! In all honesty, I really do like this show, so unlike WrestleWar ’91, I have no problem watching it. (This was originally written in Spring 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

- Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

- Opening Six Man Tag Team Match: The Headbangers & Taka Michinoku vs. Kaientai: Today, Taka’s part of Kaientai, but here, he’s fighting the EVIL Japanese guys. Indeeeeeed. Thrasher and Men’s Teoh start, and to be honest, I don’t give a shit about Kaientai, or their names, so if I miss spell it, that’s why. (Yeah, but both Headbangers’ names are spelled perfectly, so fuck you) Anyway, Thrasher beats him up, and tags Mosh in to do a 2nd rope dropkick. Funaki (who I DO like) tags in, but quickly gets powerbombed. Gee, the crowd is pumped, aren’t they? Especially for a Headbangers match. Taka tags in, and he and Mosh do a double Nash rope choke spot on Funaki. Trader. He follows with a missile dropkick, and Funaki bails. No dice, however, as Taka springboards out after him. Togo gets a cheap shot in, however, and then tags in officially. Taka Morton gets backdropped to the floor, and then head scissored out there. Back in, Teoh DDT’s Taka (in a move where it looks like Teoh is taking the punishment), and then tags Togo back in. Taka tries to make a comeback, but take a combo bulldog/face plant by the heels. Togo hits a crossbody/headbutt move, but a miscommunication allows Taka to hit a spin kick on Funaki. He tags both Headbangers in (?), and they clean house. Everyone brawls now, and Funaki misses an elbow, which allows Taka to hit a Headbangers assisted splash. He does the Michinoku driver for the pin at 6:43, getting a nice pop. Fine opener. ***. (It was a fine opener, but more like * ¼ fine)

- Sable (remember her?) (Yes) comes out, to introduce Vince McMahon. He comes out, with the stooges, and gets loudly booed. See, Sable was booted from the WWF because of some trickery by Marc Mero, and McMahon brought her back and made her his little pawn. Sable gets dismissed, and Patterson allows himself a little pat on the ass, so Sable slaps him. Yeah, like it MEANS anything to him anyway. Even J.R. says, “Patterson in an area he’s unfamiliar with.” You can say that again. Anyway, this is just some time filler, as Vince comes out to let us all know how Austin is gonna lose to Kane tonight, and that’s the bottom line. See he’s here to comfort us so we don’t feel too bad when Austin jobs. What a guy! Actually, the Vince character was really great at this point, and the feud with Austin ruled. He insults the crowd a bit, and this obviously doesn’t need to be on PPV. It’s like a RAW thing. But they didn’t really fill the card up, and had to push in these filler spots, plus two “bonus” matches to fill the time. Should have just done the whole tournament on PPV, instead of just the semi’s and finals, to really fill the time. (Yeah, on paper this seemed like plenty of matches, but with Russo booking everything to run five minutes, not so much. Compare this to WrestleMania XXX, which was a four hour show and had two fewer matches)

- King of the Ring Semi-Final Match: 30 Minute Time Limit: Jeff Jarrett vs. Ken Shamrock: And speaking of the tournament, Jarrett beat Marc Mero to get here, and Shamrock beat Mark Henry. Jarrett jumps him off the bat, but Ken hits a back elbow quickly. A criss cross allows Shamrock a kick into the stomach, and he beats Jarrett into the corner. A snap suplex gets him two, but Jarrett catches him with a swinging neckbreaker. He follows up with a dropkick, but takes a kick into the chest, and then gets clotheslined to the outside. Shammy beats him up out there, and then beats him up on the inside too! Tennessee Lee (Better known as WCW’s Rob Parker) (And even better known as Horsecock McGhee) distracts the nut case, which allows Jarrett to clip the leg. He works on that for a while, as Lawler makes fun of Shamrock because he doesn’t have a father. Now that’s just COLD! Ken comes back with a flying back elbow, and a spin kick to get a big pop. Powerslam gets two, and a GREAT rana sets up the ankle lock. Jeff taps out VERY quickly, and Ken advances to the finals at 5:29. Pretty good for a five and a half minute match! ** ¾. I miss Ken, and I’d like to see him back today.

- King of the Ring Semi-Final Match: 30 Minute Time Limit: The Rock vs. Dan Severn: The Rock had to beat Triple H to get here, and Dan beat Owen Hart. Hey Scott, there’s one ya missed.  KOTR winner Triple H ALSO lost in the tourney the next year, so Shamrock isn’t alone in going for two straight years. I don’t mean to sound all comic book guy-ish about it, I just wanted to make the point. (If I remember correctly, this originally was written for Scott Keith’s website, which is why I’m addressing him directly) This was back when the Rock was the IC champ, a heel, and still didn’t have much heat. He was also a member/leader of the Nation. Talk about how times change (…). Actually, he’d start becoming REALLY over after SummerSlam ’98, and his ladder match with HHH. Notice how those two are always going hand-in-hand together? The Beast goes right for the leg, and then takes Rocky down for some mat wrestling. He keeps gunning for the knee, but The Rock keeps making the ropes, which is the gist of the first few minutes. Rock comes back with a low blow, but misses a charge into the corner, so Severn hits a fireman’s carry into a submission hold, but Miavia makes the ropes. He comes back again, and suplexes him for two. Dan makes HIS comeback with low blows, but a double shoulderblock knocks both men out. Four minutes in. Talk about rushed. (We got so conditioned to this type of booking, that by 2000-ish when they started having normal length matches again, I remember a ten minute match feeling endless) Anyway, the Nation distracts the ref, which allows D-lo Brown to hit a frog splash on Dan (with his new chest protector) to get Rock into the finals at 4:24. Remember the chest protector? For that matter, remember D-lo. Yeah, those were the days. Anyway, the match is solid enough, but it’s a bit draggy. * ¼.

- Handicapped Match: Too Much vs. Al Snow: Too Much is Too Cool, when they were a couple of gay guys, and un-over. See, Snow wanted to be part of the WWF, but Vince didn’t want him around, so if he wins this, he gets a meating with McMahon. Can’t he just go on Tough Enough, or something else, instead? Anyway, after all the entrances, we hear an announcement that Jerry Lawler is the special ref, which pisses Snow off greatly. He even argues with the Head about it. Al out wrestles Scott Taylor (Scotty II Hotty) to start, so Brian Christopher (Grandmaster Sexay) gets tagged in. He doesn’t fare too well, so Lawler starts cheating like crazy for his son, and Brian takes over. He still gets slammed off the top rope, and Al does a sunset flip from the top, only to get a really, really slow two count by the King. Snow backdrops both heels to the floor, and beats on them out there, then walks away. He changes his mind, however, and charges back with a clothesline. Well that made a lot of sense. Taylor is sick of the crap, and takes Snow out, allowing Brian a missile dropkick in the ring. A double atomic drop, and a dropkick to the face get a fast two. A “boring” chant breaks out (and rightly so), so Scott hits a pumphandle slam. That’s not helping anything, believe me. Al stops him with a suplex, but has no one to tag, so Christopher bulldogs him. Snow catches both guys with a double DDT, and tags Head. Yeah, you read right. Anyway “Head takes everyone down,” and Al hits the snow plow on Brian, for the pin, but Jerry won’t count because Head is the legal man. He snow plows Taylor, too, but Lawler is busy counting another pin: Brian on the Head at 7:52. See, they stuck the shampoo bottle “head and shoulders” on the Head, and then covered it. Get it? Head and SHOULDERS? Anyway, the crowd is completely dead for the whole match, and the ending, but I can’t blame them at all. - *. (I’ve been overrating literally every match thus far, but THIS I go into negative stars for?)

- Owen Hart vs. X-Pac: Remember KOTR 1994? If only it’ll be that good. Oh … wait … it’s 1998, I forgot. Then again X-Pac was still pretty good in 1998, he wouldn’t start to really suck until mid/late 1999. X-Pac, in a brilliant move, pays Owen back for 1994’s KOTR by baseball sliding him during Owen’s entrance, just as Owen did to him! Beautiful! He rolls him back in, and hits his kick series in the corner. He misses a bronco buster, however, and Owen stomps away on him. Hart viciously throws him into the post a couple of times, and hits a backbreaker. We have a part! Actually, I’d have went for the neck, but whatever. A criss cross allows Owen a spin kick for two, as the crowd dies. I don’t really see why, this is a fine match so far. Sean comes back with a kick, and X-Pac chops him in the corner. Owen returns the favor, and hits the Hennig Plex for two. Nice one, too. Gutwrench gets two, but a kick to the nice puts the King of Harts down. He still pulls out an inside cradle for two, but takes a backdrop off of a criss cross. Sean clotheslines him out, and follows, but gets whipped into the timekeepers area in a nice spot. Owen suplexes him onto the Spanish table (hey, that’s not supposed to break until later), and then missile dropkicks him on the inside. A roll up gets two, and he hooks a sleeper for some reason. (Sleepers need a reason now?) X-Pac escapes, hooks his own sleeper, and then nails the X-Factor (but before it meant anything, so no one cares). A criss cross allows him an enzuiguri (hey, no stealing, Sean!), and he chokes him in the corner. Bronco Buster hits (remember when THAT was popular?), and a slam gets Owen down. He heads to the top, but Owen catches him for a superplex, so Owen gets shoved off, and X-Pac falls from the top to the floor. Mark Henry (Owen’s Nation buddy) splashes the little man out there, so Vader kicks Henry’s ass (okay…), while Owen puts X-Pac in the Sharpshooter. In the confusion, Chyna DDT’s Owen, and X-Pac rolls over on him to win at 8:31. Fine match, but the crowd sucked throughout, and the ending was overbooked quite a bit. *** ¼. (Yet this is exactly the same rating I came up with in the BUExperience. Trying to find a pattern to the ratings with my HITMAN383 stuff is exhausting)

- Paul Bearer comes out to tell us all how evil and mean that damn, damn Undertaker is. Wow. What a thrilling segment. I guess Vince figured that we’d start to forget how evil Mark is, so he sent Paul out to remind us. Thanks Vince, I love ya! Of course, the real reason is that we need … say it with me … more filler. No, not enough of that going around, not at all.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: The New Age Outlaws vs. The New Midnight Express: The New ME were Bob Holly and Bart Gunn in a truly dumb ass idea. They were also the NWA Tag Team champs, but that meant shit at this point, so those aren’t on the line. Hey, remember when the Outlaws were crazy over? Seems like just yesterday, doesn’t it? Now Jesse’s a bum without a WWF job, and Billy’s a loser on the WWF scale. Times change, huh?  (Indeed they do, as not only did Jesse James get a job with the WWE again, but the Outlaws actually won the tag titles in 2014, and wrestled at WrestleMania XXX) Holly opens with Road Dogg, and they do some false tie-ups. A criss cross allows Jesse some clotheslines, as Lawler tries to sum up why DX is over. The problem is he sounds like a 80 year old in his “these kids today,” spiel. Dear G-D. Anyway, Billy and Bart go, and a beautiful criss cross allows Bart a clothesline. A Billy sunset flip attempt gets wrestled around so much that it becomes a backslide, which gets two. Another good sequence … from Billy Gunn? Fameasser (before THAT meant anything) gets two, and a 360 clothesline stifles Bart. The Dogg gets tagged in, and an Owen/Yoko style double team keeps Bart on the mat. Bart tries a backdrop, which fails miserably however, so he tags Bob in. He doesn’t do shit, however, and tags Bart back in. And this is what we call the “slow portion.” They do an Owen/Yoko elbow drop combo for two, and Holly hits a top rope knee drop for two. Jesse James plays Ricky Morton, as the Midnight’s continue to work him over. Hey, remember when Ricky Morton getting pounded by the Midnight Express meant something? Bob makes the mistake of saying “suck it,” however, so Billy bulldogs him, and Jesse gets two off of it. He’s still Morton though, so Holly chinlocks him. Holly heads up top, but eats boot on the way down, and James finally makes the hot tag to Billy. He cleans up on both heels, prompting Cornette to come in and bash him in the head with his Tennis Racket. That gets two, so Jesse comes in, and everyone brawls. Billy rolls Bob up in the confusion, but the ref is distracted, so in comes Jim with the NWA Tag belt. Chyna stops THAT, however, and the Outlaws kill Holly at 9:54 to retain. Again, an overbooked Russo ending, but still a solid match. ***.

- King of the Ring Final Round Match: One Hour Time Limit: Ken Shamrock vs. The Rock: Triple H comes out first (since he won last years KOTR), and joins the commentators for this one. What I wanna know is what’s with Chyna? Does she have to come out for every freakin’ match tonight? I mean, damn. Talk about “over exposed.” These two have had about 1,000 matches (at a bunch of PPV’s and RAW’s) at this point, and I’m damn tired of seeing it, but hell, if they can pull out a good one, I’m happy. Slow, “feeling out,” process to start, as Triple H makes a bunch of sex references. You know that’s probably, knowing Vince Russo, why he got an IC title, a European title, and a big ass push around this time. (Maybe he was just fucking his daughter) Ken throws Rocky around, so Miavia bails, prompting Chyna to join the Spanish commentators. Great, over expose her to the Mexican’s too, so now she can’t get a job in some lucha promotion now that the WWF is getting rid of her. Vince thinks of EVERYTHING! It does give way to a great exchange, however.
- Ross: So, what’s she saying Triple H? Aren’t you bi-lingual?
- Triple H: There’s a lot of things I’m bi. Lingual ain’t one of them.
- (long pause)
- Triple H: Did I just mean to say that?
- Pretty funny, actually. (One of the greatest commentary flubs of all time, and one they never highlight, unfortunately) He’s carrying the match, too, despite not being in it, because so far all that’s going on is Ken stalking The Rock, and The Rock bailing out all the time. He gets in HHH’s face, so Hunter spits water at him, allowing Ken to jump him out there. He kicks his ass on the floor, and then takes him in for a suplex. That gets two, so Rocky throws him to the floor. He gets caught in the ropes on the way down, however, so Rocky has to help him down. Okay. Anyway, he kicks his ass out there, and rolls the nut case back in. A neckbreaker gets two, and a DDT gets another. He goes to the chinlock, because he hates me, but Shamrock likes me, and breaks out quickly. He tries a comeback, but a back elbow gets the Rock two. A slam hits, and the People’s Elbow (before it meant anything, which I’m writing A LOT tonight) gets another two. More chinlocking. A “Layin’ the Smackdown DDT” (Tornado DDT) gets two, and a double knock-out sequence follows. Ken gets a back elbow off of a criss cross, and hits a spin kick. A powerslam gets two, and a Hennig Plex gets two. Owen’s was better. Rocky pulls out a powerslam for two, and tries another tornado DDT, but gets belly to bellied by Ken! That gets two, so Miavia short clotheslines him for two. Ken does his own short clothesline for two, and then Jake Roberts runs out and does HIS own for two! Good for him. Rock hits a stun gun for two, and goes to pick Ken up, but Shamrock rolls through to hook the ankle lock for the King of the Ring at 14:10. Well, he may not be King of the Ring, but the Rock’s still the Scorpion King, I guess. Or is that Sting? Whatever. As for the match, it started off terribly, but got a lot better towards the end. ** ¾.

- Hell in the Cell Match: Mankind vs. The Undertaker: Yep. It’s THAT match. If you don’t know what I mean by “that match,” you are not a wrestling fan. BTW, for more on all this, please buy Mick Foley’s “Have a Nice Day,” which will explain this match to you better than I ever could. Foley comes out first, but doesn’t enter the cage, instead walking around the cage looking very nervous. I don’t think he knows weather to enter or climb. He chooses to climb, which is almost a life-death decision in this case. UT’s next, and looks pissed at the fact that he has to climb up too. He does anyway, however, and is met with a chair shot by Foley. Remember, UT had a bad ankle going in, and all this fighting on the rickety mesh can’t help anything. Some parts are even breaking through. They punch eachother a little more, and then UT throws Foley off the top through the Spanish table in a CRAZY, CRAZY bump. He looks about dead (and isn’t far off), but when I first saw it live, let me say, I was VERY shocked and impressed. Terry Funk runs out, with some officials, to check on Mick, and they do the right thing by carrying him off, as ‘Taker looks concerned on the top of the cell. After about 200 replays, it’s pretty clear how crazy that bump was. Even Vince comes out to check on Mick. I mean, another two feet to the right and Mick would have hit the rail and probably died for sure. That’s just crazy. They cart Mick off (while an “Undertaker” chant goes up), but Foley falls off the stretcher. He gets up, and climbs to the top of the cell again, because Mick Foley is a nut case. They do some scaffold match level fighting up there, and then UT chokeslams Mick on the roof of the cage, busting him through. That was un-scripted, BTW. Mick loses consciousness right there, and on the replay’s you can see how violently he hits the mat (and a chair) on the way down. ‘Taker climbs down with him, and does some weak brawling with Mick, since Foley’s out on his feet. UT gets crotched, however, and we get the famous shot of Mick “smiling” through all the blood. Of course, as his book tells us, he was trying to show us the hole in his lip. In addition, he’s got a tooth in his nose. Poor guy. He can’t even pick up the steps because he’s in such pain, so UT does it for him, and beats him with them. They continue to weakly brawl (and can you really blame them?) for a while, and then Mick piledrives Mark on a chair for two. He puts a chair on his face, and drops a leg on it for two, busting him open. Double arm DDT connects, and Mick gets a bag of tacks from under the ring. He scatters them on the mat (dear G-D), and tries to knock UT onto them, but he himself gets slammed into them. Poor, poor Mick. He then gets chokeslammed into them, and a tombstone finishes at 17:32. Well, it’s no where near the level of the Shawn/UT HITC (a ***** match), in fact it was just bad as a match. Officially, I give it a *, but it’s still a highly recommended match. If not for the wrestling, then for the bumps, for the history, and to see what poor Mick Foley went through. Just like “Schindler’s List,” it isn’t a “good ol’ time,” but it’s required viewing material. Afterwards, Mick gets carried out, while a “Foley” chant breaks out. (What a crazy, crazy, Attitude Era defining match this was)

- Main Event: First Blood WWF Title Match: Steve Austin vs. Kane: If Kane loses, he vows to set himself on fire. That’s all well and good, but how is Kane supposed to lose when his whole face and body is covered up (minus just his left hand), and Steve is wearing a freakin' Speedo? Well, no one is bringing that up, so let’s just go with it, okay? Then again, if Steve can cut his hand somehow, he’ll win. In the words of Homer Jay, “I like those odds!” Austin attacks right away, and bashes him with the title belt twice. He rips the turnbuckle off, but Kane refuses to get rammed into it, and chokes the champ. He tries the tombstone (but this is post 1997, so it ain’t gonna happen), so they brawl to the floor. Austin kicks his ass out there, as the Hell in the Cell starts lowering. Oh great, kick in the overbooking. Kane rams him into it while it’s still lowering, and tries to squash him under the cage. That plan fails, however, but Kane is still in control. He does nothing more than ramming him into the cage and steps 1,000,000 times though, so Steve takes control back. The cell raises again (???), so they brawl towards the entrance way now. Steve tries a piledriver on the floor, but no dice, as Kane backdrops him. More weak brawling follows, and Kane suplexes him on the entrance ramp. This is really starting to suck at this point, BTW. It’s like a bad hardcore match, before hardcore matches had a scale. But watching it today, you can see how poor it is. They fight back to the ring, where Steve does the Nash rope choke spot, and then they go to the floor again. Great. Steve smashes a fan in his face, so Kane rams Austin into the ref, getting rid of him. Back in, Kane hits a top rope clothesline, and pounds on the Rattlesnake. He tries a 2nd top rope clothesline, but misses, so Steve stomps. He rams Kane into that exposed turnbuckle repeatedly, as Mick Foley runs (well…) down. Oh great, let poor Mick come out again. That’s JUST what he needs. Real good, Vince. He gets in, so the cell lowers again, and Steve gives him a stunner. Kane gets one too, and UT staggers out with a chair. He accidentally bashes Steve with it (busting him open), but the ref is still out. Austin kills Kane with the chair, but Earl wakes up, sees the blood, and give the title to Kane at 14:52. Whoopee! Of course, Austin would regain it the next night on RAW, but whatever. The match really, really, really sucked for a main event, but what are ya gonna do? ½*.

- Afterwards, on a Home Video Exclusive, Foley gets in Austin’s face again, and takes yet another stunner. Enough is enough!

- Bottom Line: Well, other than the terrible excuse for a main event, almost the whole card is worth watching! Some of it is even “A” material in the undercard! Plus, of course, the infamous HITC. You can’t ask for much more, can you?

- Recommended.