HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XV

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XV, dead in the middle of the strongest point of the Russo-era. Live, it was the greatest show I’ve ever seen. But almost three years have passed since then, and I’m ready to give it the test of time. (This was originally written in early 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

- Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, because Jim Ross is sick.

- Boyz II Men sing a beautiful rendition of “America the Beautiful.” And we weren’t even in super-patriot mode in 1999! One of the guys looks a lot like D-Von Dudley, too. (‘Cause he’s black?)

- Another one of those awesome “legends” video package to open up. I love these SO much.

- Opening Hardcore Title Triple Threat Match: Billy Gunn vs. Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly: This was thrown together, as Billy was inserted here, and Road Dogg into the IC title match, when those scenarios should have been reversed, according to the storyline. Hey, like I said, this was in the thick of the Russo era. Billy gets jumped during his opening shtick, and goes at it with Snow. Holly saves him, and then beats Billy up himself! Snow takes over with stomps, and throws Holly into the Spanish table, but Gunn’s right there on him. He gets tossed into the steps, however. Holly suplexes Snow on the floor, and Billy comes over to stomp everyone. Well, at least he’s not using a resthold. Piledriver on Holly, but Snow saves him. Sure, ruin a cool spot. Snow snags a hockey stick, and whacks both guys with it, drawing a “Let’s go Flyers” chant. Gunn steals the stick, and breaks it on Bob, and back in we go. Billy keeps using his stick on everyone, so Al hits Gunn in his OTHER stick to stop him. Snow dominates for a while now, and hits the poetry in motion with a chair playing Matt Hardy’s roll. On the floor, Gunn press slams Holly on the rail, so Al grabs Head, and bashes both down. He grabs a table, and sets it up in the corner, only to take a lariat before he can do anything. Gunn then puts him through it, drawing a big ass pop. Fameasser on a chair gets two, when Holly stops him, and pins Snow himself at 7:06. Poor choice for an opener, as it put the crowd to sleep, and didn’t do much in terms of boosting the overall good-ness of the card. ¼*.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett vs. D-lo Brown & Test: This was LITERALY thrown together right before the show (on Sunday Night Heat), as Test and Brown were the last two in a battle royal to earn this shot. Yeah, that’s MUCH better than actually coming up with a feud, and blowing it off. On the upside, I loved the Owen Hart/Jeff Jarrett tandem then, and I love them now. The challengers attack off the bat, and dominate the champs. Both sides are heels, BTW, since Vince Russo is a GENIUS! D-lo dominates Jarrett with a bodypress, and tags Test, and Jeff tags Owen. Powerbomb by Test gets two, and a pumphandle slam fails, earning him an enzuiguri. Sharpshooter (1:30 in?) (Crash TV!!!!!!!!!!!), but D-lo saves. He tags in officially, and does his legdrop. Criss cross allows Owen his spin heel kick, and a gutwrench suplex. Tag to Jeff, and the champions hit a double clothesline, and then a wishbone. Jeff hits the Nash-rope choke spot, and tags Hart back in. They try that double clothesline again, but Brown counters, and slams them around. Heel kicks for all! Sit-down powerbomb on Jarrett for two, as Ivory and Debra go at it on the floor. D-lo tries to powerbomb Jeff, but Owen hits a missile dropkick, and Jeff rolls through to pin him at 3:57. ALL HAIL RUSSO!! This was actually getting pretty good, but didn’t have the chance to go anywhere with FOUR MINUTES! ** ¼. Afterwards, Test and D-lo have a weak brawl.

- Brawl for All Match: Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean: This is a boxing style match that came about after Bart won a summer-1998 tournament of real fighting in the WWF, and was set up to face a real boxer, big fat Butterbean. The judges are Kevin Rooney, Chuck Wepner, and Gorilla Monsoon (who looked VERY, VERY skinny and sickly at this point), who receives a great ovation. I miss Gorilla. 1999 was a sad year, was it not? And I don’t mean in wrestling-terms, I mean in who we lost. Butterbean dominates to start, and knocks Gunn down early. He’s back up, and back DOWN with a HUGE, HUGE knockout blow to kill Gunn at :39. Damn, that was quite the beating. After seeing that, Vince pretty much gave up on THAT push. (To be fair, he booked this to humiliate Gunn, so he got exactly what he was looking for) As the replays show, he nearly DID take his head off with that shot. Wow.

- The San Diego Chicken runs out to spar with the boxing ref to kill time because of how fast the BFA was.

- Backstage, Mick Foley discusses his match with the Big Show over the referee position for the main event.

- Paul Wight vs. Mankind: The winner gets to ref Rock/Austin later on. Slugfest actually won by Foley, and he follows up with a bunch of clotheslines, but eats boot. Headbutt knocks him to the floor, and he follows out. Another slugfest, again won by Mick, and he rams him into the steps. Double arm DDT attempt on the floor, but he gets tossed off into the stairs. Back inside, you see how SKINY Mick looks next to Paul! Lazy facebuster hits, and a Russian leg sweep follows. He misses a big clothesline, bumping over the top, and Mick pulls out Socko. As Paul comes back in, he applies the hold, only to get decked off a couple times. Third try finally drops him to his knees, and Mick climbs on his back to make him carry his weight, too. The arm drops twice, and he stands, then leaps backwards (with Mick on his back) in a CRUSHING fall. That looked like he really crushed him right there. Paul kicks the hell out of him to follow, knocking Mick to the floor. He grabs a chair, and whacks Mick in the mid-section with it, and then in the back. Inside, Paul sets up two chairs, and chokeslams Mick on them, earning himself a DQ at 6:53. That, of course, means MICK wins. Vince McMahon, whose none-to-happy about this, since Paul was his guy for screwing Austin in the main event comes out, and scolds Paul. Big Show takes it like a man, but McMahon makes the mistake of slapping him, so Paul decks him, getting a good face pop. The match sucked, but was moderately saved by Foley’s bumping. ¾*. (This was a horrible excuse for a match, and in fact, downgraded this into negative stars in the BUExperience)

- Backstage, Vince calls the cops on the Big Show. (Pussy)

- WWF Intercontinental Title Four Corners Match: Jesse James vs. Val Venis vs. Goldust vs. Ken Shamrock: This looks a compilation of all of Vince Russo’s most 8th grade ideas. And Ken Shamrock, who has the mind of an 8th grader. Again, Billy Gunn instead of Jesse James would have made a TON more sense, but when you deal with idiots (…). Big brawl to start, and Ken rana’s Goldust out. See, Ken’s pissed because pretty much everyone in there (except Jesse) has done his little sister, (Guess maybe even X-Pac would have made more sense that James, then) and Goldust is currently doing her. Why, I don’t know. Terri’s much hotter. Anyway, Billy Gunn also did her, but Vince Russo (GENIUS!) decided to stick him in the Hardcore title match, instead. We end up officially starting with Ken/James, and Shamrock kicks the hell out of him. Hard cross corner whip, but he takes a nice standing dropkick. Goldust tagged in for a spinebuster slam. Flying clothesline, so Ken tags out to Val Venis. Val takes the time to stomp Shamrock before turning his attention to Dustin, and takes a side suplex as a result, for two. Curtain call, but Val escapes, and spinebuster’s him for two. Backdrop fails, and he gets clotheslined for two. Goldust puts him up top, but a superplex fails, so Val bulldogs him for two. Hennig-plex (and a well done one, at that) for two, and Val drops a head into his crotch. Ken runs in to DDT Goldust, and Jesse to DDT Val, leaving both down. Goldust recovers first, and covers for two, so Jesse decks Goldust, and then goes to work on Venis. I guess we don’t need tags here. Venis with a cross corner clothesline, and he does it again, to really make his point. Overhead suplex attempt fails, and Jesse punches away. Goldust takes some two, and then Ken gets the shaky knee drop. All this extra-curricular stuff allows Venis to side suplex him for two, and he hits the pumphandle slam. Ken tags himself in, and Ankle Lock’s Val, but he makes the ropes. Ken charges him, but gets backdropped to the floor, and Venis baseball slides him (vicious one, too). He follows, and they brawl up the aisle, earning them a double count-out at 8:23. Goldust and Road Dogg go at it, as an angry Ken comes back to belly to belly both! What a sore loser! Goldust recovers first, and covers for two, as the crowd rallies behind the champ. Ryan Shamrock (the slutty little sister) trips Goldust up by accident, and Jesse rolls him up for the pin at 9:45, in the IYH II Shawn/Jarrett ending. Wow, a 1999 WWF match that lasted over 5-minutes! Whoa! The fast-pace kept it from sucking, but it wasn’t that good, overall. * ¾.

- Outside, the Big Show gets arrested.

- Triple H vs. Kane: This came about when Chyna turned to Kane, instead of DX, as her man, and Hunter’s pissed. A few weeks prior, however, Chyna had a fireball accidentally tossed in her eyes by Kane, and has been out since then. In a cute bit to start, the San Diego Chicken runs back out, and attacks Kane, then is unmasked as Pete Rose trying to get revenge for last year! He takes another tombstone, in a bit that was completely unexpected, and not played out like by XVI. Hunter comes out of the crowd to attack from behind, and low blows him. He pounds away, and does the 10-punch count, but keeps getting tossed off. Kane charges him, but gets backdropped out, only to land on his feet. Man, it’s ODD seeing Hunter in long tights, today. Into the post, and then the stairs, because HHH is PISSED. High knee knocks Kane off the apron, and into the rail, and a baseball slide sends him right back into it. Man, Kane is in OVERSELL mode, tonight. As opposed to today’s NO SELL mode (!). Inside, Kane hits the big boot, and javelins Hunter over the top, to the floor. Kane follows, but gets tossed into the rail. Triple H climbs the steps, but gets caught, and crotched onto the rail, into the lap of the Mean Street Posse (there to support Shane McMahon later on). Kane bashes him into the post a few times, as the crowd naps. Back in, Kane gets Afghanistani on his ass! Long portion of that, too, consisting mostly of chokes and punches. Legdrop gets two, and a lariat follows. He eats boot off of a corner charge, however, only to no sell it, and toss him to the floor. He follows with an over the top dive (but his “brother” does a better one, with no hands), and inside he tries a flying clothesline, but gets slammed off! He still tries a Stinger splash, but that misses, so the Game hammers away. Criss cross allows Hunter a face buster, and a high knee. At this point, Chyna shows up, because what’s a mediocre match without CHYNA? Meanwhile, Hunter tries the Pedigree, but gets countered, and elbow dropped. Chyna slides the steps in, snagged by Kane, who comes at him, but gets them kicked in his face! Hunter drop toe holds him onto the steps, and then clotheslines him to the floor. He follows, and rams him into the railing. Pedigree on the stairs, but Kane backdrops him onto the floor, in a nice bump. Inside, Kane chokeslams him, so Chyna comes in with a chair. SHE wants to bash Hunter, and as if you can’t read this from a mile away, she turns on Kane, whacking him with the chair and getting Hunter DQ’d at 11:36. He no sells that, so Hunter Pedigree’s him on the chair to really put him out. Afterwards, we get the Russo version of Savage/Liz, as they embrace to a pop. Somehow, this didn’t really grab me as engrossing, but whatever. The match was decent enough, but the lack of an actual ending hurt it somewhat. ¾*.  (This also got negative stars in the BUExperience. What a terrible WrestleMania this was)

- Backstage, Vince McMahon announces that due to Mick being in the hospital, and Wight in jail, he’ll do the honors of being the ref in the main event. What a nice guy, huh?

- WWF Women’s Title Match: Sable vs. Tori: Tori was a stalker at this point, who was rejected by Sable, so we have this match. Or something like that. I don’t really feel like reaching into that part of my memory bank right now. Anything from that period generally sucked, and the world would be better if we forget about it, okay? Tori is also wearing a Giant Gonzalez-esqe bodysuit. Sable was walking the thin line between face and heel at this point, and she tosses Tori around. Lots of stalling, until Tori tugs her out, and throws her into stuff. Tori bumps into the rail, and takes a kick to the ribs, followed by a nice bodypress off the apron by the champ. Inside, Sable keeps kicking the ribs, but takes a clothesline, and gets beaten on the mat. Cross corner clotheslines hit, but she tries a third, and fails, so Sable charges, only to get sunset flipped for two. Sable follows with a rolling cradle for two, which Tori turns into a backslide for two. Sable kicks misses, and the ref gets bumped off of a criss cross. Powerbomb gets countered (albeit badly), and she tries her own, so Nicole Bass runs in and press slams Tori. If you don’t know why Bass is, you’re lucky. Powerbomb by Sable, and this is over at 4:49. Total DUD.

- Add for the Undertaker comic book. It ended up failing, however, because UT refused to sell for the villains, and therefore they didn’t look powerful enough, and were never considered a threat to UT. If only Vince learned something from that…

- DX promises to take the European title from Shane McMahon in the next match because they’re UNITED, and have NEVER BEEN CLOSER, damn it!

- WWF European Title Match: Shane McMahon vs. X-Pac: This was back when Shane was just starting out in actual in-ring action, and everyone expected this to be a sucky little crapfest to put the title back on Sean. Shane is very tentative to start, so we have a chase scene, ending with an X-Pac kick. He beats the champ into the corner, and tries the BroncoBuster, but Test pulls him out. He tries to leave, but X-Pac’s right on him, so Test (who is the Corporate Team’s hired gun, BTW) crotches him on the post. X-Pac takes his time to get back in, and when he does, he gets the crap kicked out of him. Slam, and he mocks the People’s elbow, only to miss it. Shane, not to be kept down, hits a low blow to affirm control. He beats his challenger with Test’s weight belt, but ends up being dropped to the floor. Sean slingshots out after him, so the Posse tries to get involved, only to get decked. Test takes offense to that, and clotheslines the life out of the little guy, then rolls him back in. Shane hits a 2nd rope elbow, and goes up top, only to get crotched. Superplex by the challenger for two, when Test tugs him out. He misses a knee to the steps, however, and X-Pac snags the weight belt. Shane gets whipped for a while, and then takes a heel kick. BroncoBuster hits (when THAT still meant ANYTHING), but Test whacks him with the European title belt. Shane gets two out of that, and throws X-Pac into the corner for a BroncoBuster of his own. It misses, however, so Test comes in, AGAIN, only to get his ass kicked. Triple H & Chyna come out to back X-Pac out, as he hits the X-Factor on Shane. He covers, but Chyna is distracting the ref, and Hunter runs in to Pedigree Sean! Shane covers, and retains the title at 8:40. Overbooked, but still a solid match-up. ** ¾. It looked better in 1999, when we were expecting nothing, but today it isn’t as good looking. (So, basically, this match is Tammy Lynn Sytch?) Afterwards, the NAO run out, and the former DX brawl, with the heel side winning. Kane comes out to make the save, clearing all the heels out, as the crowd acts all deflated. Gee, do the whole reunion thing, and then break it up within 20 minutes of the same show? How Russo! (Imagine Russo booking WrestleMania VII: Savage and Liz reunite, but then later in the show, Liz gives Savage a low blow and aligns herself with Warrior, so Savage gets himself reinstated, and wins the WWF Title from Warrior (Warrior would win it from Hogan in an impromptu match after Hulk wins it from Slaughter in between) to close the show)

- Hell in the Cell Match: The Undertaker vs. The Big Bossman: Whoever came up with this match should be shot, even if the angle around it was top notch. It all went downhill, however, when the two factions (Corporation/Ministry) became one. Bossman hammers to start, but UT turns the tables, and does his own. The crowd is gone, too, since this is heel/heel. Who does a HITC match with two heels, anyway? Oh yeah, Russo. Sorry, I forgot. Bossman hits a neckbreaker for two, so UT starts punching the hell out of him. The “action” spills to the floor, where Bossman gets thrown into the mesh a bunch of times, as Michael Cole worries about someone getting a finger caught in the mesh. Lawler calls him on it, too, bringing up all that Foley went through, and Cole’s worried about a FINGER. I miss the King. (Yeah, King can go away now…) Bossman cuffs him to the cage, and beats him with the nightstick, but he hits him so hard, that the cuffs snap off. Yeah … that’s realistic. More weak brawling, and the ‘Taker juices. Really minor job, however. ‘Taker grabs a chair from under the ring, and whacks Bossman with it. Yawn. Headfirst ram into the mesh, all which is done is SUPER SLOW speed. Bossman bleeds too, as the crowd collectively sleeps. Man, why kill them before the big main event? Inside, UT hits a jumping clothesline for two, and tries the ropewalk forearm, but gets crotched. Slugfest won by Bossman, but he takes a low blow from the “phenom.” Tombstone finishes at 9:37, keeping UT’s WrestleMania record clean. The match actively sucked, and wasn’t afraid to put people to sleep. -*** ¾. Afterwards, Gangrel, Edge and Christian repel from the ceiling, and hang the Bossman from the top of the Cell. Cool image, but still, this was a waste of time. How did they do it, anyway? (For those keeping count, that’s three negative star matches thus far)

- Highlight’s of the WrestleMania Rage party the night before. Whatever.

- Michael Cole is in the ring, and he introduces Jim Ross to come out and call the Main Event. That’s a GOOD thing, trust me.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: The Rock vs. Steve Austin: Vince McMahon comes out, as promised, to ref … and flex. Can’t forget the flexing. Shawn Michaels’ music then kicks in, however, and he comes out with a real ref, to a big pop. He goes the Russo route (you know, have rules just POP OUT of nowhere at your convenience) and tells Vince only HE can appoint a ref for the title match (he was the Comish at this point) (He was Michael Chiklis?!?!?). He kicks McMahon out, and rules that the Corporation isn’t allowed at ringside, either. Okay, okay, lets just get to it already. Rocky (a heel) gets a pretty solid face pop for his entrance, but it’s completely dwarfed by Austin’s! Rocky talks trash to start, leading to a slugfest, which the champ wins. It spills out early (this was during the “brawl period” for every WWF PPV main event), where Rock chokes him. Inside, a criss cross allows Steve to hurl him over the top, to the floor, and then they fight into the crowd. The usual fare, there, which translates to nothing interesting. Maybe in 1994, or even by 1996, it would have been, but even by 1999 this was played out. Especially in Philly, where they’ve seen that shit since 1995! Over to the entrance, Rocky backdrops Steve onto a lighting rig. Ouch! More brawling over there, without much of note. Austin whips Rock into the huge WrestleMania sign, and they brawl back up the aisle. Suplex by Steve, but Rock reverses, and Austin crashes onto the floor. Brawl over to the announce area, where Austin drops an elbow on the Spanish table. It doesn’t break, however, so he does it again, this time smashing it. GET IN THE RING, ALREADY! As if he heard me, Steve rolls him in, but Rock rolls right back out. Shit! Rock posts Austin’s knee, so the challenger retaliates by throwing him into the steps! Inside, Miavia pulls out the Rock Bottom for a close two. He grabs a chair, but gets kicked in the gut, and Steve swings, but accidentally nails the ref! Rock hits a neckbreaker as a result, and a back elbow to follow. He beats Austin's braced knee with the chair, and then whacks him in the head with it. He covers, and a 2nd ref (Tim White), runs out to count two. He hooks a chinlock, which lasts for a while. Man, Rock’s sideburns were WAY too long at this point. I mean, I KNOW you’re an Elvis fan, but GEE. Criss cross allows Rocky a fallaway slam for two, as the crowd has a heart attack. Rocky argues the count with the ref, and ends up Rock Bottoming him, which allows Steve to hit the oversold Stunner. The ref is down, however, so Earl runs out to count a dramatic two! Out comes Vince (because over-booking RULZ!), as Steve grabs a chair. He winds up, but the champ catches him with a low blow. McMahon enters, and takes out poor Earl, then joins Rocky in a stomping on the challenger. Mankind stumbles out, takes out the boss, and counts two off an Austin roll up. Criss cross allows Steve the Thesz press, and he hammers him! Elbow drop, and he tries a backdrop, but takes a clothesline. Rock Bottom, and the People’s elbow follows, but ends up missing. Rock Bottom again, but Steve counters, and hits the Stunner to win the WWF title at 16:44. Afterwards, Vince cries his heart out at ringside, but the crowd could not be happier. Steve beats his ass anyway, and then shares a beer with Earl, getting a great reaction. Solid match, but NOWHERE NEAR their classic at WrestleMania XVII. ***.

- Bottom Line: This card fell in the thick of the Vince Russo era, and as a result, the show is none-to-exciting. Outside the moderately good main-event, everything is either mediocre, or just plain BAD. Nothing to really see here, as this is one of the most forgettable WrestleMania’s, ever. The test of time tore this one apart, as it really looks like a non-factor in the overall scheme of what was yet to come.

- Recommendation to Avoid.