HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XIV

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XIV. This never struck me as being a great show, but I have been known to be off on initial judgments until I actually sit down and review it. We’ll see if this fits into that category. (This was originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Boston, Massachusetts (at the Fleet Center).

- Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

- Excellent, excellent opening video package. Very, very well done.

- Opening 15-Tag Team Battle Royal: The participants: Faarooq & Kama, The Headbangers, Bob Holly & Bart Gunn, The Godwinns, Mark Henry & D-lo Brown, Savio Vega & Miguel Perez, Recon & Sniper, Chainz & Bradshaw, The Quebecers, The Rock & Roll Express, Jesus & Jose, Too Much, Steve Blackman & Flash Funk, Skull & 8-Ball and The Legion of Doom (making their return, along with Sunny). If you’re tossed, you’re partner is done, too. The Warriors get a special entrance, so you can guess whose winning already. Usual battle royal fare, and I think you can use your imagination to fill in the holes. (That’s what I do with 1998 Sunny, anyway) Savio’s team is out, and in runs Barry Windham to toss out Chainz. Revenge on Bradshaw? Gee, the Blackjacks sucked, why would you be jealous? D-lo’s team is out, and so is Sniper/Recon. R&R gets tossed, as I wonder whose dumb idea it was to open a PPV (and a WrestleMania, no less) with a battle royal. Headbangers take a hike, and the new Midnight’s toss Too Much. The match slow’s WAY down now, which is NOT a good thing. DOA is gone, but they come back in to dump the Godwinns. Down to the L.O.D. and the new Midnight’s You guess what happens. Before it can, however, the Godwinns delay the obvious, nailing the Warriors with their slop buckets. Holly and Gunn try, but it’s only so long before the faces start no-selling. Bye-bye, and goodnight, as the L.O.D. win at 8:14, to earn a tag title shot at the next In Your House. Total nothing match, DUD.

- Highlight’s of WrestleMania weekend. We start with the DX Public workout, as DX and Mike Tyson abuse Steve Austin. Steve takes his aggressions out on Regis Philbin to feel better. We also see the V.I.P. dinner, and some assorted wrestlers signing stuff. (WrestleMania Weekend was still so low-key in the late 90s, compared to today)

- WWF Light Heavyweight Title Match: TAKA Michinoku vs. Aguila: Aguila is a masked (and green) Essa Rios. Criss cross allows Taka a shoulderblock, and Aguila head scissors him. Leg lariat dumps him out, and a baseball slide follows up. Moonsault out there (whoa), and he follows by going in and strutting, proving his green-ness. Then again, the Undertaker does it all the time, and he ain’t green at all. He just sucks. Taka dropkicks him up, and then hits a springboard bodyblock onto him, popping the crowd. In, Taka controls with kicks to the head, in various fashion. Seated dropkick for two, and he charges, but gets backdropped to the floor. He still goes up top, but gets arm dragged right off. Springboard arm drag, and another knocks the champ out. Corkscrew dive, over the top, crashes onto Michinoku, as Lawler makes fun of the light heavyweight style. Inside, Taka misses a corkscrew of his own. Aguila with a moonsault for two, but he gets decked. Upstairs, a splash hits the knees. Aguila puts him up top, and ranas him off, but gets kicked in the face. Missile dropkick, and he tries the driver, but Aguila counters with a rana, countered with a powerbomb. Moonsault misses, and the Eddie-cradle gets two for the challenger. Up top, he eats dropkick on the way down, and takes the driver to end this at 5:57. Spotty, and Aguila was pretty green, but this was till a very good match-up. *** ¼. (Sorry, this was about a star less than that, and nothing they weren’t doing on Nitro every week)

- Gennifer Flowers catches up with the Intercontinental champ, The Rock. The Rock, just really getting into his new character, does a funny interview about what he’d do if he was the “ruler” of the U.S. (Today, he’s the ruler of the US!... box office)

- WWF European Title Match: Triple H vs. Owen Hart: Hunter gets played out by the DX band, and gets a face-pop. Even though DX were still heels. That would all change the next night, however, as the New Age Outlaws and X-Pac joined, Shawn was dumped, and they got WAY over. Today, it probably wouldn’t work with that line up, but back then BOY did it. Before hand, Commissioner Slaughter handcuffs himself to Chyna (who still has the same problems as the previous year, except now has a nice rack) to prevent her from getting in the way. Owen tackles him to start, and pounds away. Backdrop, and a clothesline follow, and then a corner version. 10-punch count, as Ross brings up his win over Bret four years prior. Rana gets two, but Hunter catches him with a back elbow coming out of the ropes. He bails out, and Chyna takes a swing, but the Sarge stops her. HHH dives out, but misses, and hits the rail instead. Inside, Hart tries for the Sharpshooter, but gets decked. Mule kick by Owen, and he tries a backdrop, but takes a facebuster. Clothesline by the champ, and chops to follow up. Criss cross allows Hunter a high knee for two, and a suplex connects. Knee drop, but Owen starts to fight back, only to get kicked in the face on a corner charge. DDT by the future Game for two, and he kicks at the bad ankle. We get some work on that for a while, but the fans only pop for highspots tonight, so goodluck getting anything there. Screw you, Boston, psychology is a GOOD THING! Owen bleeds from the bridge of the nose (not a blade job, but HARDWAY!), and starts a comeback, crotching Hunter on the post. Missile dropkick for two, and a belly to belly for two. Spin heel kick for two, and the enzuiguri, which hurts his ankle too. He still manages a two count, and tries a rana, but gets powerbombed for two. HHH puts him up top, but it backfires, as Hart hits a flying bodypress for two. Hunter tries for the Pedigree, but Owen counters with the Sharpshooter, which HHH counters with a toss off, which Owen counters with a falling headbutt to the crotch! Nicely done! That gets him a dramatic two, and Hunter tries another Pedigree, countered with a backdrop, countered with a sunset flip, countered into the Sharpshooter! Whoa! Chyna helps him make the ropes, however. Hart hammers away, as Chyna tosses powder in the eyes of the Commish. That distracts Owen, so she nails him low (as in, in the leg), allowing Hunter the Pedigree for the win at 11:28. Solid match, with good psychology. ** ¾.

- Mixed Tag Team Match: Marc Mero & Sable vs. Goldust & Luna: This was during the period where Mero was insanely jealous of his manager Sable (and real-life wife) because she was getting more attention than he was. Goldust was inlisted to try to help Mero with the problem, but then got jealous of Goldust trying to hold Sable back, so we have this. Goldust and Mero start, and Dustin hammers, but takes a head scissors. Crowd could care less, since all they want are the ladies. They oblige, as Goldust tags out, forcing Mero to tag out too. This was before the days of intergender matches, so it’s always guy/guy, girl/girl. The bad part about this is the logics. If it’s guy/guy, and you’re DOMINATING, then tag, you have to deal with a fresh person, instead of continue to beat on the guy in their. Luna bails, and we have a chase! The one in the French Connection was better. She tags back to Goldust, agitating the crowd. Backdrop by Marc, and the tag to Sable, who superkicks Dustin. He tags, but Luna refuses to get in, so Sable tags back out. Mero boxes him, but takes a lariat out of the corner. He drops him throat first on the top, but Mero hits a bodypress for two. He gets decked off a criss cross, as the crowd chants for Sable. Criss cross allows both to collide, and make tags. Sable takes her down, and hammers away, popping the dead crowd. Hair toss, and a clothesline knocks her to the floor. Luna quickly tags, and Dustin struts in, so Sable decks him too, before tagging hubby. Into the steps, and inside a slingshot splash hits the knees. Sable distracts him, so Mero hits a low blow, and tries the TKO, but gets DDT’d for two. Curtain call gets flipped out of, and he hits a knee lift. Upstairs, and a moonsault gets two. Into the corner, Goldust drives an elbow, and goes up, only to get crotched. Marc rana’s him off for two, and a heel miscommunication allows him to roll Goldust up for two. TKO gets two, as Luna saves. Sable makes a tag, and covers Dustin for two, as Luna tries a flying splash, but Sable moves, and she hits Dustin! Powerbomb gets two, so Luna starts choking her, and does the Nash-rope choke spot. Second one misses, and Sable TKO’s her for the pin at 9:09, as Mero gets jealous again. Okay-ish match, which was more than I was expecting from them at the time. **.

- Jeff Jarrett (still a country singer) comes out with Gennifer Flowers to do ring intros for the next match.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Rock vs. Ken Shamrock: This is a REALLY long feud, as we’ve seen it at the Royal Rumble, here, and finally it ends at June’s King of the Ring. Now THAT’S a long mid-card feud! This is also the last appearance of the old, Reggie Parks, Intercontinental title. I sorely miss the old belts, and I still don’t know a feasible reason for getting rid of them. I mean, I KNOW is was a knew era and all, but I want THOSE belts. Ken charges the ring, and beats the hell out of the Rock. Long criss cross allows him a superkick, and a clothesline to the floor. Rocky takes a hike to the locker rooms, but Shamrock stops him, and beats him up by the entrance way, and all the way back to ringside. Slugfest in the aisle, and Ken rams him into the steps. Inside, Ken pounds, as the crowd continues to be sucky. Clotheslines by the challenger, and a kick takes Rocky down, but he manages to dump Ken out. The champ throws him into the steps, and then back in. Slam, and the People’s elbow (before it was titled as such, or meant anything) to no pop for two. Criss cross allows Shamrock to toss him over the top, and then clothesline him out there. Ken snags a chair, and back in we go. The ref argues it, which allows Rock to snag it, and take a swing for two. Rock dramatically oversells a kickout from Ken, too, doing a flip. Belly to belly by Ken for two, and the ankle lock, as Rocky bleeds from the mouth, and taps at 4:51 to lose the title. The Nation runs in (minus Faarooq), but get taken out, and Shamrock re-hooks the hold. Faarooq runs out, but decides not to help, allowing Ken to keep the hold on. Refs break it up, and take belly to bellies, costing Ken the title in the process. Match was nothing, DUD.

- WWF Tag Team Title Dumpster Match: The New Age Outlaws vs. Cactus Jack & Terry Funk: The Outlaws were one night from joining DX, and at this point were just two cool heels who beat the hell out of the faces on RAW to set this up. Big brawl to start, which pretty much sums up the whole match right there. Terry takes care of Gunn, while Cactus takes care of Jesse. Jesse’s shirt? “Look Mom, No Curse.” Cute. Cactus tries to toss Jesse into the dumpster, but gets hammered, and pounded with a cooking sheet. Jack still manages to do dive off the apron (waiting FORVER for the Outlaws to get in position) but misses, smashing into the dumpster. Pretty vicious bump there. Funk gets backdropped into the dumpster, and Cactus gets Russian leg swept into the dumpster. Ouch. Terry climbs out, as the Outlaws continue to pound them. They throw Mick in, and abuse the Funker some. Terry’s in, and they close one side, but fail to close the second fast enough. Gunn has a bloody nose, BTW. Cooking sheet shot briefly stops Mick, but Funk uses one of his own on Billy. In the ring (whoodathunkit?) allows the faces some neckbreakers on the Dogg, and Cactus drops a cooking sheet-assisted elbow from the apron to the floor on Gunn. He grabs a ladder, and throws that in the ring, then sets it up. He climbs, trying to do an elbow onto Jesse, but Billy stops it, and climbs the other side. They fight, and Funk accidentally knocks them over, dropping them into the dumpster. Decent bump, but it’s been WAY over dramatized. (Road Dogg told a funny story on one of those ‘Legends of Wrestling’ docs they run on the Network, about how he was originally supposed to take that bump, but pussed out at the last second, so Billy had to do it)  They powerbomb Funk in, but Cactus is already out, so they beat him up the aisle. To the back (but minus a big screen for the crowd to see anything), and minus Terry Funk. He follows them later, however. The Outlaws beat him up backstage, but takes chairshots from the Mickster. He puts them on a forklift, and Funk drives them into a dumpster to end this at 9:59. They get the belts, but the decision is reversed the next night, since it was the wrong dumpster, or something like that. Dumb ending, and a bad match, overall. ¼*.

- The Undertaker vs. Kane: Before all the watering down, and countless face/heel turns, this was QUITE the feud (even if it DID involve “magic powers”). Before hand, Pete Rose makes his first WrestleMania appearance as the ring announcer. He takes some pretty amusing shots at Boston, pissing off the crowd, so Kane comes down and tombstones him. That starts another feud, right there. Just like WM XIII, why does the HEEL get the face roll? UT comes out next, in a cool entrance, complete with torch holders. The entrances alone took forever, but was properly done, to really build up the match. UT hammers him to start, but it seems to have no effect on his “little brother.” Kane shrugs him off, but UT won’t quit, and just keeps pounding. Kane clotheslines him, which is no-sold, so UT keeps hitting, also no-sold. Kane gets sick of this, and hooks him in a bad tree of woe, then kicks away. He drapes him over the ropes, and comes off the top with a shot, knocking UT to the floor. Inside, Kane goes to work in the corner. To the floor again, Kane drops him on the rail. The steps get to go head-on with Mark next, and then Kane tosses them onto his back. This isn’t a BAD match, so far, just slow. Paul Bearer gets his shots in, as well, and Kane suplexes him back in. More corner shots, as he WISHES he could do it like Vader. Criss cross allows Kane a chokeslam for two, as he pulls him up for a chinlock. Okay (…). I can see the heel-ish idea of pulling him up for more punishment, but for a long resthold? How menacing does THAT sound? Kane with a clothesline, and a big elbow drop leads to ANOTHER chinlock. You know, when Vince thought up the concept of “Kane,” he was probably just looking for another excuse to do Undertaker vs. Undertaker again, without getting crucified. UT crotches him to break out of the hold, and boots Kane to the floor. He does a beautiful no-hands dive, over the top, to follow up, but gets hurled through the Spanish table instead! Whoa! Inside, Kane goes up, and hits a flying clothesline for two. Slugfest won by the ‘Taker, and a criss cross allows UT the tombstone, but Kane reverses into his own! That gets two, so we get another slugfest. UT wins again, and he clotheslines him down. Chokeslam, and he calls for the tombstone! It hits nicely, but only gets him two. Big ass, awesome, legdrop by the dead man, and another tombstone for two. Upstairs, a flying clothesline hits, and it’s a beauty. Tombstone for the third time, and THAT gets the pin at 16:56. Slower, but the ending portion was pretty good, and overall it wasn’t a bad match at all. Just slow. ** ¼. Afterwards, Kane and Bearer assault the ‘Taker, leading to the Inferno Match at the next In Your House.

- At this point in 1998, I stopped watching the PPV because:
a.) I was bored, and
b.) I didn’t give half a shit about Steve Austin (or Shawn Michaels, for that matter), and his chances of winning the title, because I was still pissed off at the whole Montreal thing.

- One of the original, famous WWF Attitude promos. Excellent stuff.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Steve Austin: Mike Tyson is the special outside ref, and is in DX’s pocket. He also looks like a complete moron doing his version of the crotch chops on the way to the ring. As a note, Shawn Michaels’ back was so screwed up he could barely walk, and it’s a miracle he’s even in this thing. Big, big pop for Austin, and good heel heat for the champ. Shawn plays around to start, trying to convince himself that his back isn’t that badly hurt. Shawn with some jabs, and more dancing around. Criss cross allows Austin to deck him, and bang him into every corner. The tights get tugged down (what, as an “FU” to Rick Rude?), and he backdrops him onto HHH & Chyna. Man, Shawn is a trooper. Hunter gets pissed, and beats the hell out of Steve, getting him thrown out of the ringside area. It seems Mike Tyson has forgotten who’s side he’s on, pushing HHH out, instead of looking pissed. They brawl up the aisle, to where the music set is for the DX band, and Shawn uses instruments on him. Into the dumpster from earlier, and back to the ring. Flying axehandle attempt gets him nailed, and he takes a vicious, back first, upside down bump in the corner! Atomic drop gets two, and Steve works the arm, but gets his eyes raked. Criss cross allows Steve a version of the stun gun for two, and another criss cross leads to the Stunner, but Shawn pulls out. To the apron, Steve decks him into the announce table. Quite the bump, there. Back in, Steve drops a series of elbows for a series of two counts. Chinlock applied, and that lasts a while. I can understand why, honestly. Shawn stunners his way out, and bails to the floor, as his back is now REALLY bad, and he can barely drag Austin to the post. Brawl on the floor, as Steve beats on him, only to get backdropped into the crowd. Shawn nails him with the ringbell, and takes a break, with good reason. Back in, Shawn dominates. Nothing too impressive (especially for a Shawn Michaels match), but pretty impressive, given his condition. Shawn gives the crowd the finger, and Steve takes offense (that’s HIS gimmick), and takes Shawn down for a beating. To the outside again, Shawn bashes the bad knee into the post. In, Shawn works the knee, all while yelling about how he’s the toughest SOB. Figure four, but Austin pushes him off, and rolls him up for two. He doesn’t take control, however, as HBK keeps on the knee. Steve bails out, and Shawn baseball slides him into the announce position. Tyson proceeds to give him a wedgie, and toss him in, allowing Michaels to clip the knee. Figure four applied, and he makes sure to use the ropes. Steve reverses, but it’s only momentary, as Michaels escapes. Steve with a slingshot into the post for two, and Shawn applies a sleeper. Austin breaks, bumping the ref in the process, then stun guns Shawn into the turnbuckle. He stomps a mudhole, and then backdrops HBK. Criss cross allows Shawn a forearm shot, which under normal circumstances would be a flying version. Upstairs, a big elbow drop connects. Superkick, but Steve ducks, and tries the Stunner, but Shawn pushes him off, and tries the superkick again, but Steve catches his foot, and Stunner’s him! He covers, and in runs Tyson to count the fall at 20:01, and give Austin his first WWF Title. Afterwards, Austin celebrates to a big ovation, and Shawn gets in Mike Tyson’s face. He argues over the turn, so Tyson lays him out, and takes an “Austin 3:16” shirt from the new champ to cover the fallen body of the former champ. Quite poetic there. As for the match, it’s 5-stars for effort, but injuries really screwed it up as a MATCH. Imagine if Shawn was healthy! We’d have a real classic on our hands! ** ½, and quite a way to end Shawn Michaels’ career, although a 5-star classic would have been nice. (I’ve never understood where people got four-stars for this. It’s good, and amazing considering the health of both guys, but come on!)

- Bottom Line: Well, as Gorilla Monsoon might have said, “history has been made here, tonight!” Quite the historic show, no doubt, but people DRASTICALLY overrate it. The wrestling is not NEAR as good as most reviewers say, with only one really good match (light heavyweight title), and the rest is either okay (European title, Mixed Tag, Brother/Brother, and the Main Event), or just plain boring (IC & Tag titles). The thing that tips the scale is the history, but it’s really nothing to behold, or anything. Major gripe: The crowd sucked.

- Mildly Recommended.