HITMAN383 Rant for WWF No Mercy 1999

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF No Mercy 1999. Good ol’ General J.D. of PCW fame has hooked me up with a couple tapes (this, and Fully Loaded 1998), and as long as he’s kind enough to continue doing so, expect a bunch of 1996-1998 WWF/WCW rants.  (This is one I actually haven’t done a BUExperience on yet, but it is coming. This version was originally written in early 2002)

- This show comes in the era RIGHT after Vince Russo left the WWF for WCW, and many people were claiming the WWF would fall without Russo. Hey, hindsight is 20/20 and all, but forget the nWo, the real poison to your promotion is Vince Russo! … and Stephanie McMahon, of course.


- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Cleveland, Ohio (Gund Arena, drawing 18,742)

- Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

- Show’s buyrate: 0.84

- Opening Match: The Godfather vs. Mideon: This show looks like an edition of RAW, even taking the entrance area from RAW, so we might as well start with a RAW-caliber match-up. They slug it out to start, and Godfather hits a powerslam. Crowd doesn’t seem to care, however, since both guys are death. Heel kick by Godfather (take lessons from Jackal, man!), but he gets distracted when Viscera starts hitting on the Hoes. He goes out to attend to this, so Mideon follows, and slams him out there. Viscera gets his licks in, and inside Mideon hits a jaw breaker. Back elbow for two, as the crowd just completely dies off. I mean, this is just SAD for a pay-per-view opener. Godfather gets a sunset flip for two, but the Ho train hits boot. Lariat gets Mideon two, but he misses a 2nd rope elbow. Godfather with a series of clotheslines, and a slam. Legdrop gets him two, but a poor-looking Vaderbomb hits the knees. Just GET THIS OVER WITH, already. Anyway, a heel miscommunication spot allows Godfather to hit the elusive Ho train, and get the win at 7:30. Well, that was a waste of my time. DUD.

- Triple H arrives, and tries to give a heel interview, but still doesn’t quite know how.

- WWF Womens Title Match: Ivory vs. The Fabulous Moolah: Don’t ask. Just PLEASE don’t ask. Ivory with a dropkick to start, getting two, and a legdrop gets two. Elbow drop gets two, as I think we’ve moved back to 1976. Ivory misses a splash (when she went for it, Moolah wasn’t even there, and the whole thing was a terrible bush-league spot) (I’d love to see someone open a women’s wrestling promotion, and call it Bush League, actually) so Moolah misses a splash too. Ivory dumps her out, and then takes out Mae Young, too. Ivory with a dive to the floor, but Moolah takes it wrong, and it looks terrible. You know, Ivory’s cute little ass is completely ruined for me by having to look at Moolah in a small, tight outfit. Anyway, Ivory gets distracted by Young’s ugliness, and Moolah rolls her up for the title at 3:01. An abortion, but at least it was short enough. DUD.

- The New Age Outlaws vs. Bob Holly & Crash Holly: This was originally for the tag titles, but Rock/Mankind won them on Smackdown the week before. Big brawl to start, with the NAO controlling. Crash and Billy officially start us off, and Gunn dominates. Slam gets two, and the tag to Jesse. Criss cross allows him to do the dancing punches, and the dancing knee drop gets two. Another criss cross, and Crash dumps him over the top, where Bob gets his shots in. He tags in officially, and slams the Road Dogg. Holly with a hanging vertical suplex (where he kept Jesse up for a LONG, LONG time) gets two, as I sit impressed. Chinlock now, but he doesn’t bother to use the ropes. Tag to Crash, who goes to the chinlock, too. Crowd is gone, but at least Crash has the smarts to use the ropes. Bob tags back in, but a move off the top rope hits the boot. The Holly’s prevent a tag, however, and work over the Dogg for a long while. After an eternity, Jesse superplexes Bob, and both men tag. Billy’s a house of fire, and Stinger splashes everyone. Jackhammer on Crash, but the ref is distracted, and can’t count. That allows Bob to throw a chair in, and Gunn fameassers Crash on it, which gets him DQ’d at 10:28. Yawn. ½*, for a couple nice spots.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Good Housekeeping Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Chyna: “Good Housekeeping” essentially means that a bunch of typical household items are scattered around the ring, and can be used as weapons. It was also widely known at this point that Jarrett was headed to WCW, so the drama was really non-existent for this match. Although the lengthy video that preceded it tried to make you believe otherwise. Brawl on the floor to start, and inside, Chyna clotheslines him. Atomic drop, and a suplex hit, then she blasts him with a trash can a couple of times. To the floor again, Jarrett gets crowned with a toilet seat. Hey, give Jeff his props, he’s essentially agreeing to make himself look like a total idiot on his way out, and that’s class. Chyna misses an elbow, going through a table, which gets Jeff two on the floor. Oh, so I guess its falls count anywhere now, too. Jeff uses the trash can a couple times, and then in the ring, an ironing board. Yeah, just like the legendary Ric Flair used to do it. What a wrestling match. Jeff mixes eggs and milk into a bowel, and tries to dump it on Chyna, but gets it kicked in her face. (I’m assumed I meant ‘bowl,’ but given the booking in 1999, it may well have been bowel)  Chyna gets caught up with Miss Kitty, however, and Jeff puts her in the figure four. Chyna makes the ropes, however. Wait, so blenders, and brooms are legal, but making the ropes forces a break? Chyna grabs a pair of tongs, and picks herself up a hotdog, and two potatoes. Kitchen sink puts Jarrett down, but it only gets two, so she tries a pedigree, but gets slingshot into the referee, bumping him. Kitty hands Jarrett the title belt, and he nails Chyna with it for the pin at 8:19 (???). However, poetic justice plays out, and the referee tells Jeff that the IC belt isn’t a “household item,” so the match must continue. This is coming off the last PPV, when Chyna defeated Jarrett, but the decision was reversed. The match kicks off again, and Chyna quickly uses the guitar to get the pin at 8:33. Not much of a match, and I think Jeff Jarrett has proven once and for all, he has class. ¼*.

- The Rock vs. Davey Boy Smith: Bulldog has quit wearing tights at this point, instead opting for tight jeans. Anyone know why? (It was probably too painful for him to change. I’m kidding, of course, but the guy really was suffering a lot during this period)  Slugfest to start, won by Rocky, and he dumps Bulldog. To the floor, Bulldog meets the timekeepers table. But, ever the good host, he introduces Rock to his date, the steel chair. Rocky then presents his son, the steel steps, and Davey shows Rock his bastard child, the announce table. Well, now that the formalities are over with, we go in so Davey can take a breath taking somersault bump in the corner. Yeah, I’m sure THAT was great for his bad back. Neckbreaker gets Rocky two, so Davey hits the hanging suplex for two. Crowd is dead, a fact that isn’t assisted at all by Davey going to the chinlock all the time. I think he thinks this is still 1996, and this is some newcomer named Rocky Miavia, who should be treated like a jobber. He also probably thinks he is still holding two titles, and teaming with Owen Hart, and when he chinlocks, he’s probably looking around the ring, wondering where Jim Cornette went off to. Davey misses a big boot, crotching himself in the ropes, and Rocky DDT’s him for two. Bulldog hits the running powerslam (with the “run” being reduced to a three-step jog), but Rock’s in the ropes. He tries again, but Rock escapes, and Davey hits Rock Bottom. People’s elbow, and Rocky wins at 7:18. Well, that was a big old piece of dog (Bulldog?) shit. ¼*.

- Ladder Match: Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz: The prize to climb for is a sack of cash ($100,000), and the winners get the managerial services of Terri. Both teams have no heat (the Hardyz are actually heels at this point, and have Gangrel in their corner), and this match was essentially where both teams “made their bones,” and got over for the first time. E&C dominate to start, throwing the Boyz around, but keep getting jumped every time they go for the ladders. The Hardyz take over, but Gangrel gets ejected from the arena, and that allows Edge to backdrop Jeff over the top. Ouch. Trainwreck on the floor, with Christian coming out on top. He climbs for the big, but Jeff pulls him off. He climbs, but Edge pull him off, and climbs. Matt responds by pushing him off, and toppling the ladder. Christian dropkicks the ladder at Jeff, and E&C try to Stinger Splash Matt, but he moves, and Edge eats ladder. Christian reverse DDT’s Jeff off the ladder to prevent an ascent, then climbs himself, but gets side suplexed off my Matt. Matt climbs, but gets powerbombed by Edge, and now HE climbs. Jeff stops it with a missile dropkick, and hits the senton on him. The Hardyz control, and abuse Christian with the ladder a bit. Jeff goes to the top rope, and then leapfrogs over the ladder to drop a leg on Christian! That earns him his first ever pop. Matt with a moonsault on the ladder (which was on Christian), and Edge joins us again. He takes the Hardyz out with a second ladder, and then climbs for the prize. Matt stops it, however, by throwing a ladder at him. E&C abuse Matt’s crotch with the ladder, in some “I hope he’s wearing a cup” type spots, and then sandwich Jeff in a ladder, and beat the shit out of him. Jeff with a Diamond cutter on Christian, and he and Edge fight up two separate ladders. Edge wins that with a falling chin crusher off of it. Edge climbs again, but Matt neckbreakers him off! Jeff and Christian climb opposite sides of the same ladder, and Christian slams Jeff off! Jeff then uses the two ladders as a see-saw, taking out both Edge AND Matt. Everyone climbs the two ladders now, but they all tip, and everyone hits the ropes in different ways. They crowd is just giving a standing ovation to these guys at this point, and rightly so. Everyone climbs again, and in a creative series of spots that has to be seen to believed, Jeff switches ladders in mid-air, and snags the bag at 16:28, then takes one more massive bump back to the mat. At the time, this was heralded as a classic, and understandably so. It was 1999, wrestling was shit pretty much that entire year, and the world was yet to see all the TLC’s, and stuff. Anything even resembling a good match was called a “classic.” Today, it’s still a pretty good bump/spot fest, but its effect has definitely been numbed by all the TLC’s, and all the other ladder matches these guys have been involved in since. ** ½. (This is definitely one I am eager to do a BUExperience on, as it’s been overshadowed by the TLC stuff (even as early as 2002), but I think it might have been better than I’m letting on here)

- The Rock comes out to challenge the winner of the WWF title match for a later match. That draws WWF Champion Triple H out to assault him with a sledgehammer. This would lead to Survivor Series, of course.

- Val Venis vs. Mankind: I don’t know why they didn’t just do Venis/Bulldog vs. Rock/Mankind for the tag titles that Rock & Sock were holding at this point, anyway. Brawl on the floor to start (which seems to be in the unwritten rules for every match at this show), which Mick wins. In, Foley hammers away on Val. Mankind was a shell of his former-self at this point, and his wrestling was really suffering. But just when you thought he was done, he goes out and does two classic matches with Triple H at Royal Rumble and No Way Out 2000. Mankind gets him down, and pulls a sock out of his tights, which pisses Val off enough to kick his ass. To the floor again, Foley hits a clothesline. He uses a chair to his advantage, but Venis side suplexes him onto said chair (which was standing up) in a vicious bump. Mick takes a couple shots into the post, and inside, Val Russian leg sweeps him on the chair for two. Val with a bunch of power moves to get some two counts, mostly focusing on the back of Foley’s head. Cross corner clothesline, and a bulldog hit, leading Val to hit a second rope elbow to the back of the head. Upstairs, the money shot (Superfly splash) misses, and Mankind hits the double arm DDT for two. Both guys get socks on their hands, with Mick clawing in the mouth, and Venis in the nuts. Val Venis wins THAT particular contest, and falls on Mankind for the pin at 10:15. Well, that was a weird ending. Okay-ish match, but nothing that warranted a pay-per-view feud. **.

- Four Corners Match: Faarooq vs. Bradshaw vs. X-Pac vs. Kane: This match falls right around the end of X-Pac’s usefulness in the WWF. During the entrances, we learn that The Rock has refused to go to the hospital. In wrestling-speak, that translates to “Rock’s going to interfere in the main event.” Kane/X-Pac and Bradshaw/Faarooq all work together to start (remember, they’re teams), and the Acolytes dominate. I don’t see why they don’t just do a tag match here, since that’s probably how it’s gonna play for the most part, anyway. And, indeed it does, as the APA tag in and out to abuse Kane. Kane with the enzuiguri to Faarooq, who tags X-Pac, and he has a showdown with the Big Red Retard. X-Pac’s speed gives him an early advantage, but he gets clotheslined. The APA end up having to face off next, and Faarooq hits a flying shoulderblock, and tags X-Pac. Bradshaw lariats him for one, when Kane breaks it up. The heat is just non-existent in this one. The APA re-team again, to make X-Pac their bitch, and that goes on for a while. A long, long while. Finally, X-Pac tornado DDT’s Bradshaw, and tags in Kane. Kane beats up both APA guys, and eliminates Bradshaw with a chokeslam at 8:28. That draws X-Pac in to hits a flying leg lariat from the top to eliminate Kane at 8:36. Kane’s pissed, obviously, but no blows are exchanged, and he leaves quietly. Faarooq kills the little guy, of course, but gets X-factored, and pinned at 10:16. Yawn. That felt like an eternity, I’ll tell ya. -*.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: Triple H vs. Steve Austin: This was in the period where people still couldn’t believe that HHH was actually the WWF Champion, and were mad at AUSTIN for holding TRIPLE H back. Yeah, I know, it’s like some kind of alternate universe. People in shock that HHH is the WWF champ, and upset that he’s being held back under the glass ceiling. We start with a brawl in the aisle, with both guys slipping and sliding all over the basketball court, which isn’t covered up near the entrance area. This was during the period (which went on WAY too long) where all WWF title main events had a brawl by the entrance area and/or in the crowd, and they all went exactly the same way. (‘Way too long’ would be a gross understatement. That trend should have ended with 1998, and then been saved only for special occasions)  Brawl, brawl, elbow drop off the rail, use something from the entrance set as a weapon, then do a poor “hair pull” transition back to the ring. In this case, all these trademarks are used, including the brawl through the crowd. They finally enter the ring for the first time at 7:30, and Austin hits the stunner, but the referee is out from an earlier bump, and no one can count. Austin drags him back to the ring, and tries the stunner again, but Triple H counters, and pedigrees him, but the referee got bumped again during the reversal sequence. Another referee runs out to count two, and then gets into a shoving match with the champ. That allows Austin to hit the Thesz press (drawing one of the first sustained pops of the evening, from anyone), and then dumps Triple H to the floor. Over to the announce table (another necessity in the main event, which lasts even today), where they fight. You know why going through the announce table, and brawling through the crowd got over? Because it was something SPECIAL. It happened only once in a while, and when it did, it was a big deal. I remember how pumped up a was to see WrestleMania X, when Savage and Crush fought through the crowd, since I’d never seen anything like that before. Or how exciting it was when Diesel put Bret Hart through the announce table at Survivor Series 1995. When you oversaturate it, and do it in EVERY DAMN MATCH, it isn’t special and/or entertaining anymore. It’s cliché. And boring. In the ring, Austin wins a slugfest, but gets his knee taken out by the Game. Hunter works on THAT for a while, as I wonder why they didn’t think of that FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO, and make this into a psychological battle, instead of a long brawl, into a psychological battle. Too little, too late, if you ask me. Austin with a superplex to comeback, getting two, and he goes medieval on Hunter with a chair. That draws Rock out, hammer in hand, fulfilling my prediction from earlier (I’ve never seen this before, mind you), but he misses, and hits Austin. Hunter then pedigrees Rock, and pins Austin at 21:51 to retain the WWF title. Well that was an underwhelming main event. Maybe only eight minutes of it were actually spent in the ring, too. These two guys would have some terrific wars in the future, but this was before Triple H was really any good, and this match wasn’t what it could have been. ½*.

- Bottom Line: Pretty nothing PPV here, without anything really sticking out as good, and only one match that anyone even REMEMBERS today (the ladder match), so I can’t really see any reason to see this. At least if it was solid throughout, I could mildly recommend it, but this wasn't even that. This was a waste of time, and money (if you ordered the PPV or bought/rented the tape), so don’t bother.

- Recommendation to Avoid. (Sorry I didn’t have more to add here, as I haven’t seen this show since doing this review twelve years ago. This is actually a pretty decent review though, but a BUExperience is coming sooner than later, don’t fear!)