HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1993

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1993. Well, I finally got through all those old Coliseum tapes, so it’s back to business as usual, I guess. (FF to 2014, and I’m going through a bunch of Coliseum tapes again – this time starting with WF001 and working my way through everything I can get my hands on)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Live from Sacramento, California.

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.

- Opening Match: The Steiner Brothers vs. The Beverly Brothers: This is the Steiners’ WWF debut. Scott starts with Beau, and plays mind games with him, by going for the technical approach. Scott hits a hip toss, as the Beverly’s continue to stall. The worst stall fest I EVER saw was the Bevs. and the Bushwhackers wrestling eachother. Just picture that one in your mind, and feel my pain. (God, re-reading all of these HITMAN383 Rants I’ve noticed that I’ve referenced that match, like, six times in other reviews. It was horrible, yes, but I didn’t realize just how traumatizing it was for my high school self before sitting down and re-reading all of these) Anyway, Steiner hits a gutwrench suplex, and Beau bails out. Oh COME ON, put them over nicely in their damn DEBUT match, will you?! Rick tags in, and has a go with Blake. Blake kicks him down low, and hits a powerslam. A criss cross allows Rick to hit a slam of his own, and he tags Scott. Scott hits a belly to belly right away, but gets caught in a double team clothesline by the heels. Blake hits a backbreaker, and tags Beau to continue to abuse on the back. Backbreaker for two, and he tags Blake back. Anyway, the point of this is that they work the back, and do some cheating whenever the ref. looks the other way. You fill in the blanks. Blake tries a suplex, but Scott Morton reverses, only to be stopped when he tries to make the hot tag. Beau does some more hammering, but gets caught in a butterfly suplex to hurt him. Both guys tag, and Rick kills both of them with suplexes. Everyone brawls now, and the Bevs. try a doomsday device on Scott, but he hits a victory roll for two. Blake is a dead man, however, as Scott hits the rana to get the pin at 10:44. Damn, the crowd loved that! Decent enough match, but it wasn’t like it was good, or anything. *.

- Sherri teases who’s corner she’ll be in for the IC title match. It’s no SummerSlam ’92, Flair/Savage/Warrior, I’ll tell ya that!

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty: After a YEAR since the breakup, we get the blow off. Okay. Sherri comes out first to stand in a neutral corner (I’m SO excited to see who’s corner she’ll be in. The tension is killing me)! Marty’s next, and is drunk as hell. Shawn follows with his beautiful blue leather Intercontinental title. I’ve always liked that version of it. Shawn taunts him to start, to Marty decks him, and chases him around the ring. Inside, he hits a faceslam, and an atomic drop. A high knee sends Shawn out to the floor, a slingshot sends him back in, and a clothesline sends him right back out! Marty follows out with the Bret Hart dive, and then drops in from the top rope with a punch. Gee, Shawn is taking quite the ass kicking, eh? He goes up to try again, but Michaels decks him on the way down. He rams him shoulder first into the post while they’re out there (when in Rome…), and then does it again. Back inside, Shawn hits a shoulderbreaker, and then just hammers on it like a shark. Marty bails out, so Shawn slams him out there, and leaves him for dead. He crawls back in, where Shawn continues to work the bad shoulder. He rams it into the turnbuckle, and then drops a double ax from the top onto it. He goes into the arm bar (which is fine in context), and Marty fights his way out, but gets caught in the DDT to give Shawn two. He continues to work the arm, and then slams him on his shoulder. He goes to the 2nd rope, but hits boot on the way down! Shawn still throws him into the corner, however, but misses a charge and cracks HIS shoulder on the post. Slugfest won by Jannetty, but Shawn dumps him when Marty charges. Gee, drunk or not, this is one HELL of a match. Shawn tries to suplex him back in, but Marty reverses, and drops Shawn to the concrete. Sherri takes the time to slap him while he’s out there, and Marty side suplexes him in for two. Criss cross leads to a Jannetty powerslam, and he heads up, but misses a move, only to still land on his feet, and DDT Shawn for two! Shawn tries a superkick, but it’s ducked, and Jannetty hits his own for two. He tries a backdrop, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for two, and after a reversal sequence, Marty hits a slingshot for two. Shawn bumps the ref., so Marty holds HBK for Sherri to hit with her shoe, but she misses, and nails Jannetty! Shawn superkicks him, just for the hell of it, and gets the pin at 14:19. Great match. ****. They’d have an even BETTER one on RAW in the summer, which would win 1993’s Match of the Year award. (Yeah, I downgraded this pretty significantly in the BUExperience)

- Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Big Bossman: The Bossman was pretty much on his way out at this point. Bam Bam jumps him to start, and quickly hits an avalanche. He pounds away on the back, and drops him to the floor. Back in, Bossman catches him with a clothesline, and does the ten-punch count. He tries a headlock, but Bam Bam side suplexes him, only to miss a headbutt. Bossman hits a faceslam, but gets backdropped to the floor off of a charge. Damn, that was a pretty cool spot. The problem is, Bam Bam ruins it, by bringing him back in and doing nothing by punches to the back. You SUCK, Bigelow. He hits a nice stun gun for two, however, and then goes right back to the punches. He tries a suplex, but it’s blocked, and Bossman hits a crappy suplex on him. It hurt him too, however, so Bam Bam drops a head to the back. Bossman catches him with a backdrop, and the Nash rope choke spot, but hits foot off of a corner charge. Bam Bam hits a lariat, and goes to the top for the flying headbutt to get the pin at 10:09. A couple nice spots, but overall junk. ½*.

- WWF Title Match: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon: Razor was already starting to get some face pops, some 6 months before his official turn. Bret gets a MONSTER face pop (as big as any Hogan was pulling in his heyday), which continues to prove how dumb it was to take the title off of him at WrestleMania IX. Razor throws his toothpick at the kid Bret gave his shades to, so a slugfest develops right off the bat. Razor wins that, and throws Bret into the corner. He misses a knee to the corner, however, so Hart goes right to it. I know Bret doesn’t really like to work the leg, as he usually goes for the arm, but I guess he opted otherwise here. He hooks a figure four, but Ramon makes the ropes, so he breaks, and keeps hammering on the knee. I guess he figured that the crowd already saw a long arm working period in the IC title match, and as not to be repetitive in spots, he works the leg. I could be off (and I probably am), but I’m sticking with it anyway! Of course, later in his career, Bret worked the leg all the time. Maybe this is when the change was starting. Anyway, Razor throws him from in the ring, under the bottom rope, and right into the post. That was just a cool spot! Ramon hits a series of backbreakers on the floor, and then rams the champ into the post. Inside, he drops a series of elbows to the back/rib area. Fallaway slam hits, as Helen Hart covers her eyes. That gets Montana two, and Bret takes his sternum first bump to the corner for another two. Ramon hooks an abdominal stretch (which is fine in context), but is too far away to use the ropes. Too bad, too. Bret reverses (to a big pop), but Razor hip tosses his way out. A shoulderblock gets two, and he continues to work the ribs. A criss cross allows Bret a cross body for two, and he tries a sunset flip, but Ramon sits down for two. Hart reverses, however, and finishes the spot for two. Ramon is still in control though, and hooks a bear hug. Context…context. Hart bites his way out, and backdrops Ramon to the floor, in a cool spot. He dives out after him, and rams the bad guy into the steps. Back in, he does the ten-punch count, and beats Ramon from post to post. Atomic drop and a diving clothesline get two. Backbreaker and a 2nd rope clothesline get another two. Bulldog for two. Russian leg sweep (always called a “neckbreaker” by Monsoon) for two, and he tries for the Sharpshooter. Ramon bails into the ropes, but Hart drags him back, and tries again. He can’t turn him over, however, so Ramon goes right back to the ribs. He tries for the top-rope side suplex, but Bret rolls off, and side suplexes Razor! You have to see that one to appreciate it. He goes for the 2nd rope elbow, but hits boot instead. He tries for the Razor’s Edge, and gets him up, but Bret slips down, and backslides him for two. Razor keeps control, however, and throws him into the corner with authority. He gets him down on the mat in a double overhead wristlock, but Bret does a REALLY cool sequence to roll Razor into a pining combination, which gets him two. Again, you’ve got to see it to appreciate it. From down on the mat, the Hitman rolls it into the Sharpshooter, and Razor gives up at 17:48. Good match, but not great. ***. (Liked this a LOT better on the BUExperience)

- Bobby Heenan goes to the entrance area, next to a big platform with a curtain around it, and introduces us to “The Narcissist Lex Luger.” Lex poses … a lot … in front of some mirrors, in a segment that goes on and on and on. Heenan nearly has an orgasm calling all this, yelling about how great Luger’s body is. The segment even ends with Bobby on his knees next to Luger. This is just odd, and the crowd is dead. Let’s move on, okay?

- Caesar and Cleopatra come out to officially start the WrestleMania IX hype. They also shill their hotel like crazy. See, this was the first Rumble where the winner gets a title shot at ‘Mania, so they come out to officially open the competition for a title shot at Caesars. In previous years, the winner was just … well ... the winner. No WWF title shot, or anything like that.

- Main Event: 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Two minute intervals this year. Definitely a good sign. Ric Flair gets #1 (without Heenan having his usual heart attack, because Flair isn’t what he used to be in the WWF by 1993. Luger’s his new boy). Bob Backlund gets #2, and wants a handshake with the Nature Boy. No dice, however, as Flair just “whoo’s” at him. Bob out moves him to start, and takes it to him, dropping him on the back of his head a few times. Heenan then starts making big comments about how weird it would be to see BACKLUND in a WWF title match, at his age. Yeah, well wait ‘till next year, buddy. Papa Shango (The Goodfather) draws #3, but Flair quickly dumps him. He goes back to work on Backlund with chops, but Bobby won’t quit, and starts chopping Ric! #4 is Ted DiBiase (just about when that stopped meaning ANYTHING), and helps Ric work on Backlund. You know, Heenan keeps teasing Backlund about his age, but Flair’s gotta be just about the same age. (They’re actually exactly the same age – Backlund even a good six months younger) I mean, when Backlund was the WWF champion, Flair was the NWA champion, and they pretty much LOOK the same age as well. They keep trying to get him out, but he just won’t go. Nasty Boy Knobs draws #5, and beats down both heels. He nearly tosses Flair, but Slick Ric hangs on. This is a pretty bad Rumble, so far. I’m almost wishing for shorter intervals, just to get this over with. #6 is Virgil, who goes right for DiBiase. He catches him with an atomic drop, and kicks his ass along with Knobs’ help. Brian gets dumped by DiBiase for his troubles, however, so Virgil’s gotta fight him alone, and doesn’t fair too well. #7 is Jerry Lawler (VERY early into his WWF deal), and goes right to Ric Flair. They slug it out, until Flair bails (under the ropes), so he comes right back in. Gee, the King used to wear some goofy tights, huh? He’s also wrestling this like a face, helping Virgil fight Flair all the time. Max Moon draws #8, and dropkicks Lawler, and then backdrops Flair. Gee, he’s kinda going in WAY over his head, isn’t he? He gets dumped by Lawler, just for being a show off. Tenryu draws #9, and heads right for Flair. Okay, does everyone in there think it’s 1992, or something? Gorilla comments that it’s “deafening in here,” all though the crowd is pretty dead for this. He also says Flair and Backlund have been in for “20 minutes,” but we’re only 16 minutes into this. Man, he’s on a lying steak, eh? (Oh, shut up. It’s not like he said ‘twenty minutes’ after five. Close enough) Mr. Perfect draws #10 (and NOW the crowd gets loud), and he goes right for (you guessed it) Ric Flair. This was a big feud at the time, and Hennig would beat Ric in a “Loser Leaves the WWF” match the next night on RAW, ending Flair’s WWF career. Wow, one of those stips. that actually LAST! That’s an oddity in wrestling. (This was originally written in early/mid 2001) Anyway, the crowd cares a lot for Hennig/Flair, but no one else is sparking any interest from them. #11 is Skinner, and he does nothing of note. Perfect dumps Flair (to a big pop), and Ric/Heenan throw a fit as a result. #12 is Koko B. Ware (to a good pop), and he also does nothing of note. Royal Rumble ’93: The Return to Boredom. Now THERE’S an add campaign! Hennig drops Skinner out, and fights Lawler some. Headshrinker Samu draws #13, and just joins the dead weight, like everyone else. Gee, where’s the Undertaker, or Hulk Hogan, or the Ultimate Warrior … or SOMEONE, to clear all this dead weight? I'll even settle for Hennig to do it! Just SOMONE do it! Berzerker gets #14, and that doesn’t help anything any. Lawler gets backdropped out by Hennig, so everyone gangs up (including Lawler!) to dump Hennig. Okay, when I said “dead weight,” I didn’t mean the INTERESTING guys. I meant, Tenryu, Koko, Berzerker, Samu, you know, those guys. Not Lawler and Hennig! The Undertaker gets #15, so NOW I have hope. He also gets a great reaction out of the crowd. He quickly tosses Samu, and then Tenryu. Hey, I’m not complaining. Meanwhile, Berzerker puts Bob on the floor (under the ropes), and injures him with a chair, so he can rest out there for a while. Terry Taylor draws #16, and does (you guessed it) nothing of note. DiBiase dumps Taylor and Ware all at once, but gets chokeslammed by the Undertaker. He tosses Ted, and it’s down to him and Berzerker (and Backlund, but he’s hurt on the outside). UT tosses Berzerker, as The Giant Gonzalez comes on out (not an official entrant, just comes out for the hell of it), and stares down the UT. He is HUGE, and this would all lead to such classics as their WrestleMania and SummerSlam contests. Was it worth it? YOU BET! Why? Because he’s BIG! He easily tosses the ‘Taker, as the Barbarian (well, it’s not him. But it LOOKS like him, and they never say his name, so we’ll call him Barbarian II, okay?) (That would be Damien Demento, for those who care) and IRS come out, but are too scared to enter the ring. Not that I blame them. With that kind of bad workrate in there, I’d be afraid to join in too. Anyway, he finally leaves, and they get back to it. Tatanka gets #19, and doesn’t do anything. #20 is Nasty Boy Sags, who joins the sea of jobbers. Typhoon is #21, but doesn’t make waves in the sea. Some typhoon! #22 is Fatu, proving that the WWF enjoys torturing us, as Heenan and Monsoon call this match a “classic.” Yeah a classic example of what NOT to do with a Royal Rumble. They even speculate weather WWF champion Bret Hart is watching this or not. My bet is on no, since this kind of suck is beneath the Hitman. (Except on house shows) Earthquake draws #23, just for the hell of it, and attacks Typhoon, in an odd exchange. What a ***** classic THAT one is. Anyway, after SLOW, SLOW movements by the fat asses, Earthquake tosses him. #24 is Carlos Colon, as the crowd groans in unison. I feel your pain guys, I really, truly do. He fights Barbarian II, and dumps him, but the dead weight level is in the “dangerous” zone at this point. Not ONE big name in there. Not even ONE! Tito Santana is #25, which doesn’t help anything. Fatu gets tossed by Backlund, but then he nearly gets tossed by Tito. Where’s Shawn when ya need him to carry a match? A “We Want Hulk” chant starts up, and I can’t say I don’t agree with it. I mean, really, I do. Where’s Hulk when you DO need him? (If that chant had started at a basketball game, Hogan would have won the WWF Title at WrestleMania that year. Oh… wait…) Rick Martel is #26, as Earthquake dumps IRS. Sooooooo Booooring. #27 is Yokozuna, as I cheer, because NOW some dead weight is gonna move! Tatanka goes first, followed by Colon. Earthquake tries his luck (to a great crowd response), as Owen Hart comes in at #28. Earthquake takes control of the big guy, but gets belly to bellied out to the floor. Repo Man joins in at #29, but does nothing. Oh COME ON!! They all try to toss Yoko, but it fails, as he fights EVERYONE off! I’m surprised the ropes didn’t snap right there! Randy Savage joins us at #30, and gets a mammoth pop.

- Okay, now the main part. Yoko quickly dumps Tito out, and Owen stiffly dropkicks Sags out. He gets slammed out by Yoko (nearly snapping his leg in a vicious fall), as Savage tosses Repo Man. Down to: Rick Martel, Yokozuna, Randy Savage and Bob Backlund! Bob tosses Martel (to a big pop), and he senses victory. He dumbly goes for Yokozuna, and seals his own fate, as the big guy dumps him. Oooh, that REALLY pissed the crowd off! They love Backlund! They turn to Savage for hope (which would have been pretty cool, actually, had we seen Savage wrestle Bret at WM IX) (Hell yeah, it would), and he fights the monster. He gets him down after a series of top rope ax handles, but takes a superkick by the big guy. Belly to belly follows, and the big leg drop snaps Savage in half! This is just going on WAY too long. I mean, the Yoko/Savage period has been going on for about five minutes, and is just dragging itself along. Fat boy misses a charge, which allows Savage to hit the big elbow. He tries to pin (?!?), so Yoko presses him out (while in a lying down position!), to win the Royal Rumble at 66:37. (I know everyone tends to hate that spot, but I’ve actually grown to like it because even through he was a veteran, he was acting on instinct alone after being rattled by Yokozuna) Boring, boring Rumble with WAY too much dead weight, and not enough star power. **.

- Bottom Line: Well, aside from the Rumble match itself, this show is pretty good. Unfortunately the Rumble itself makes up 1/3 of the total show contents, and much like WrestleMania XII with the Iron Man, that makes or breaks the card. Shawn/Marty is really great (although they’d have better ones later that year), and Razor/Hart is pretty good, but there is NO WAY I could EVER recommend sitting through that Royal Rumble. WAY too long, and WAY too boring. Probably the worst one ever, which is saying a lot. (I’ve mellowed a lot on this one. I’d go as far as to say it’s probably the best Rumble match until 2000, actually. Especially with dogs like 1996 and 1999 in there)

- Very Mildly Recommended. If you DO pick it up, PLEASE stop after the WWF title match. PLEASE! (See, now with the WWE Network coming, you can do that and not feel like you didn’t get your monies worth, at least)