HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1992

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1992. No real reason for this one, other than I feel like it. Up next, however: SuperTape I … featuring the promised Hogan/Beefcake vs. Savage/Zeus cage match! (How I ever got more requests for freaking SuperTape than Survivor Series 1992, I’ll never know)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Richfield, Ohio.

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan.

- Opening Match: Koko B. Ware & Owen Hart vs. The Headshrinkers: Owen starts with Samu, and gets overpowered, as he ponders what in the blue hell he is wearing. Double shoulderblock knocks Owen over, but a criss cross ends in Samu misses a bodypress so Hart hits his own for two. Dropkick, and he tags Ware in … who hits a dropkick! He goes to work on both heels, but gets whacked by Afa’s cane, and hammered by Fatu. In 1992, who’d have EVER thought that Fatu would be the only one even mildly associated with the WWF today? (Written in 2001) Anyway, hindsight aside, Fatu turns Koko into Ricky Morton with his usual array of clotheslines and punches. Tag to Samu, who does more of the same, including the always-present NERVE HOLD! Can’t leave that one out! Damn, the ‘Shrinkers have HUGE, Faarooq-like asses, don’t they? (Uh, yeah they do. Kinda the basis for Fatu’s entire gimmick only a few years later, in fact) Superkick by Fatu hits, and Samu chops him away. I’m tempted to call it “Island Violence,” but then everyone at the Smarks Forum would call me a “Keith Clone” again. (Inside jokes aside, as I’ve said many times before, Scott Keith has been a huge influence on my writing, and one of the nicest guys you could come across) Samu eventually misses a Stinger Splash, and Koko makes the hot tag. Dropkicks for everyone! Backdrop on Samu, and a flying bodypress gets two, when Fatu saves. He takes a spinkick, for his troubles, so Samu powerslams Hart. Goodnight, as the big splash finishes at 7:39. Decent, but totally formula. *.

- Backstage, Alfred Hayes speaks with the Big Bossman about his upcoming match with Nailz. My question: why is the guy with the freakin’ CONFEDERATE FLAG on his uniform the face?

- Backstage, Sean Mooney warns us about the violence in the next match, in case you’re squeamish. Seeing this show for the first time, at 9 years old, I was getting worried that it might be scary. I ended up being right, but not in the sense I initially thought.

- Nailz promises to kill the Bossman, and disgusts me while he does it.

- Bossman gives yet ANOTHER interview, again promising a win. Why does he deserve TWO, almost back to back? He isn’t so special on the stick!

- Nightstick Match: The Big Bossman vs. Nailz: Nailz tries to climb while Bossman makes his entrance, but gets stopped, which he counters by choking. Meanwhile, Vince cringes at ringside. Did they come up with this after seeing Halloween Havoc ’92, or something? Bossman kicks him in the head, and tries to climb the super high pole, only to get slammed off. Backbreaker, and more choking by Nailz. He hooks a “chinlock,” which looks more like he’s pinching his cheeks, so Bossman elbows his way out. He misses a bodypress, however, and Nailz climbs. He gets crotched pretty quickly, and both guys crawl around like they’ve been out there for 45 minutes. Bossman catches him with a clothesline coming out of the ropes, and gets the stick. He whacks Nailz, popping the crowd huge, but loses the stick, and gets beaten on some. Nailz, however, is a dumb shit, and gets Bossman slammed (and pinned) at 5:43 to a big pop. ½*, but the crowd loved the ending.

- Backstage Sean tries to talk to Nailz, but gets choked out like he’s Vince McMahon, or something. But, seriously, Nailz was pretty good at cutting promos. I honestly think that if he had wrestling ability (ANY wrestling ability) he could have actually made it in the big two.

- Backstage, Tatanka (called Ta-TANK-a by Hayes), promises revenge on Rick Martel for, literally, ruffling his feathers.

- Still Backstage, Gene is with Razor Ramon and Ric Flair. They go over the way the tag match tonight came about (Flair, Ramon vs. Savage, Hennig) which was that the Ultimate Warrior (Savage’s original partner) bailed out on the WWF, so he asked Perfect to be his partner 9 days before the show. Initially, Hennig balked, but eventually agreed, sending Bobby Heenan into a fit, and causing an altercation between the two, which ended in Bobby getting water dumped on him. Flair then cuts a good promo on what an ungrateful punk Hennig is, and Razor threatens vengeance on both. Great, great stuff in this angle.

- Rick Martel vs. Tatanka: They wrestle for position to start, which Rick wins with a slap, so he takes some chops in retribution. Backdrop, and a series of dropkicks knock Martel to the outside. Rick, obviously upset at Tatanka’s gall, comes in with shoves, but gets atomic dropped, and clotheslined right back out! Back in, he tries a new approach: rake the eyes, and kick him in the head. Stun gun hits, and he chokes away, as Heenan rants on McMahon not knowing anything about wrestling. Front facelock by the Model lasts a while, so Tatanka suplexes out, only to get hooked right back in. At this point evil Doink makes his way out to tease small children in the crowd, which probably explains the long facelock sequence. That, or the fact that it’s TATANKA! Neckbreaker for two by Rick, and another front facelock. Yawn. Tatanka FINALLY clotheslines out (hopefully ending the hold FOR GOOD), and goes to work on Martel’s shoulder (which he hurt by missing a charge into the corner). Criss cross allows Tatanka a backslide for two, and a deep armdrag into an armbar. Another criss cross leads to Rick tossing him over the top to the floor, just to waste some more time. Inside, he works the back. 2nd rope axehandle misses, and Tatanka fires away with his chops, and slams. Upstairs, flying chop hits, and the fallaway slam finishes at 11:06. WAY, WAY too long, but it could have been decent at about half the-length, and without the LONG, LONG facelock parts. ¼*.

- Backstage, Savage & Perfect cut an equally impressive promo as Flair’s about the topic of the hour.

- Ric Flair & Razor Ramon vs. Randy Savage & Mr. Perfect: Why is this being tossed in less than an HOUR into the card? I guess to keep the crowd awake between the two main events. Big heel heat for the heels during the entrances, and a big pop for the faces, as it should be! Perfect (who hasn’t really wrestled since SummerSlam ’91) starts with Ramon, and they jock for position. Razor wins with a big shoulderblock, but takes a drop toe-hold off of a criss cross. They sell that as a big moral win for Perfect, who bails out to bath in the fan response. Inside, Hennig wins a slugfest, and even gets a shot in on Slick Ric. He tags in, to big heel heat, but gets his ass handed to him. Backdrop, and a dropkick set up a series of clotheslines. Chops in the corner, and the Flair flip sends him right into the Macho Man’s fist. He tags in, and hits a double ax to the shoulder to start, as the fans cheer him on. Shoulderblock hits, and we have a shovefest. Macho wins with a slap, and then jabs away, taking out Razor Ramon in the process as well! Criss cross allows Macho a clothesline, and a neckbreaker, but he gets nailed down now. Razor tags in, and goes to work, focusing on the left knee, but Savage keeps fighting back. Double handed choketoss keeps him down, and Flair tags back in. Randy Morton gets chopped into the corner, as Ramon takes every cheap shot he can sneak in. It’s a beautiful thing to watch, when two guys KNOW how to be great heels. Razor comes in and hooks an abdominal stretch, which is okay because:
a. they’ve been working the part, and
b. he uses Flair for leverage.
 - Randy powers out, but can’t mount a comeback, so Flair comes in to toss him over the top. Razor hammers him out there, and rolls him in for some two counts by the Nature Boy. Kneedrop, and the heels switch off without tagging, all behind the refs back, of course. Ramon, still somewhat green, hooks a half-crab instead of doing something useful, so Hennig starts to walk out in protest of the suckitude! I knew Savage couldn’t trust him! Midway through, however, he changes his mind and goes back to the apron. Okay (…). Flair chops away for some two counts, and tries a hip toss, but takes a backslide for two. Razor tags in to save Ric, and drops an elbow for two. Chokeslam gets two, as Flair starts strutting on the apron. He tries a suplex, but gets small packaged for two, but it’s right by the corner, so Flair tags himself in. He clotheslines his way into control, but makes the mistake of heading upstairs, and gets slammed off, of course. You’d think he’d learn by now! Both men tag, as the crowd goes nuts, and Hennig goes to work with the jumping neck snap. Atomic drop, and a high kneelift kill Ramon, and another kills Flair. Flair and Savage start brawling on the floor, which Flair wins by chairing Savage, so he goes inside. He has no luck, however, but the ref gets bumped in the process. Another one runs out, as Razor tries the Edge, but takes a backdrop instead. Perfect-plex, but the other ref is smoking crack, and takes forever to make the count. It gets two, when Ric saves. One for him too, and THAT gets two, when Ramon saves. The heels get sick of this, however, and just start double teaming the hell out of him, until the bell sounds at 16:27, giving the faces a DQ win. They hook Hennig in the figure four anyway, so Randy runs in with a chair, and saves, as the crowd wildly cheers them on. Good match, with a hot ending portion, but the DQ cheapened it somewhat. ***.

- Backstage, Flair rants and raves.

- Yokozuna vs. Virgil: This is Yoko’s WWF debut, and Virgil is obviously in big, big trouble. For reference, this is November 1992 … by April 1993 he’d be headlining WrestleMania, and winning his first WWF World title. That’s a pretty good feat, no doubt. Yoko stretches to start, and then starts tossing Virgil around. Yoko is looking positively THIN at this point, compared to what we’d see later on. Virgil manages out runs the big guy, and hits a series of dropkicks to stager him, only to eat superkick. Belly to belly follows, as Yoko rips him open like a fresh lobster. Punches stagger Yoko again, but he’s just too fat, and drops a leg to kill Virgil again. He misses a corner charge, and Virgil tries a roll-up, so Yoko SITS ON HIM, drawing “oohs” from the crowd. Avalanche draws more “oohs,” as does the Banzi drop, which finishes at 3:44. Not as bad as it could have been, that’s for sure! ½*. (This one benefitted from good booking, and a motivated newcomer Yokozuna ready to wow the crowd instead of sleepwalk through a series of nerveholds)

- Backstage, Mooney is with Hennig and Savage. They spew the usual “we won” interview, only about 20 times better than half the wrestlers in the world.

- Survivor Series Elimination Match: The Beverly Brothers & Money Inc. vs. The Natural Disasters & The Nasty Boys: Oh, this has classic written all over it, does it not? DiBiase and IRS were the champs at this point, for those who give a crap about these things. This is also a little different than most of these elimination matches, BTW … when you’re eliminated your regular tag team partner goes too. Typhoon starts with Blake Beverly, and uses his gut to control. That eats up some time, until Earthquake tags in, and immediately hooks a bearhug. Man, Ric Flair must have trained this guy. The Disasters (in both senses) dominate the Bevs some more (literally using their fat to do so), and then bring in Brian Knobs. He calls out Money Inc, but has to deal with Blake instead. He handles that pretty easily, and brings in Sags. He does more of the same, but gets dominated by Beau. He hits a pumphandle slam, however, as McMahon sits in shock that Jerry would use a (gasp) wrestling move. DiBiase tags in, and lariats him, only to get suplexed. IRS tags in, and hits a clothesline off the bat, as Sags is made into their bitch. Legdrop gets two, so Sags comes back with some hip tosses. Blake tags back in, and powerslams for two. Beau tags in to kick away, and drops a leg for two. Wrap this up already! Just let me get to Bret/Shawn! Blake with a neckbreaker for two, and a chinlock. Goodie!! We look to reach some sort of a conclusion, as Earthquake makes a hot tag, and cleans house! Everyone comes in now, and the faces dominate, ending with a butt splash to get rid of the Bevs at 9:25. Money Inc is noticeably peeved at this development, but act like troopers, and agree to wrestle the fat fucks. They actually manage to double suplex the ‘Quake, and control him, as I beg, cry and long for an ending. I get chinlocks instead. Whoopie. Bust out the decorative hats. LONG Ricky Morton portion on the fat man drags and drags, seemingly with no ending in sight, but a ray of hope shines through, as Earthquake puts his boot up when Ted leaps off the 2nd rope. Hot tag to Typhoon, and he cleans house, causing a 6-man brawl. Money Inc actually wins (!!!), and IRS pins Typhoon at 15:55. Yawn. The crowd actually CHEERS that, which leaves the champs dumbfounded, and allows Sags to roll up IRS for the winning fall at 16:04. Eh. ¼*. (Who the fuck gave this sixteen-minutes?!?)

- Alfred Hayes is with the injured Virgil backstage. He sends a strong warning to WWF champion Bret Hart to beware of this monster named Yokozuna.

- Casket Match: The Undertaker vs. Kamala: Oooh boy! The hits just KEEP ON COMING! The fans are pretty jacked up, however, popping huge for the Undertaker. Kamala isn’t much of a fan, however, bugging out when he see’s the casket. Did I just type “bugging out?” Man, I gotta get out of the ‘hood! Kamala proves what a coward he is right off the bat, bailing out, and making UT “chase” him. The quotes because “chase” is only relative … these two PLOD! UT catches the fat fuck, and quickly nails the ropewalk forearm, then works in a clothesline. What moveset! Chokes follow. Kamala comes with chops and shit, then rams ‘Taker into the steps, all while his rolls of fat jiggle. Man, I’ve heard of “jiggle T.V.” before, but this wasn’t what I was expecting! Slam inside, and another, but the dead man just keeps no selling. More slams abound. Splash (jiggle, jiggle, jiggle), and a second (give that wibble, give that wobble) kill the crowd, so Kamala’s second (Kim Chee) steals the urn. Naturally, UT gets it back, whacks Kamala, and gets the pin (???) at 5:29, then rolls him in the box at about 5:45. Yawn. -****. To add to the plodding pace, UT then proceeds to NAIL THE CASKET SHUT, nail by nail. Avoid this, please. (I upgraded this significantly in the BUExperience – though ‘upgrade’ may not be the right word since it was still a DUD. Yeah, it still sucks, but six minutes isn’t near enough to suck that hard. In wrestling.)

- Sean Mooney is with Shawn Michaels, the current Intercontinental champion. He runs down both Marty Jannetty and Bret Hart in the same segment, which are two of his favorite subjects. Good segment, as he brings up that Davey Boy Smith beat Hart for the IC gold (SummerSlam 1992), and Shawn beat Smith, so therefore Shawn can beat Hart. Normally, I’d say fine … but considering this is PRO WRESTLING, screw THAT logic. (That’s pretty basic wrestling logic and basis for many a great angle, actually)

- Backstage, Kamala’s casket gets opened, and he freaks.

- WWF Champion Bret Hart stands by with Mean Gene, and he lists what he’s thankful for.

- Main Event: WWF Title Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: Only the Hitman’s title is on the line here, pretty much giving away the ending right there. They (the belts) also look like SHIT at this point … all worn out an faded. Damn, BUY NEW ONES! By KOTR ’93 they’d have them all replaced (since all 3 looked like shit), but waited to do the world title last for some reason (see WrestleMania IX, where all the titles look new, except the WWF title). Weird. (Interesting, how they’d run the belts into the ground back then, but now, in the HD-era, they’ll have, like, six of them ready to go at any given time) Huge pop for Bret, worn belt and all, as Vince and Bobby get into a neat little argument over who the better champion was: Hart or Flair. Pretty hard call, actually, but as of this card, I’d give the edge to Flair. Slow, scientific, iron man-esqe start, as they trade mat holds, and jock for position. Bret takes control on the arm, so Shawn pulls the hair to take over, but Hart out wrestles him, all while they focus on the same part of the body. Now THAT’S quality wrestling. More arm work by the world champion, but Shawn reverses into a hammerlock, so Bret dumps him to the outside. He slingshots him back in, and hooks an overhead wristlock. Yeah, this wrestling stuff is nice, but speed it up, huh? Bodypress by Bret for two, and a sunset flip for two. Back to the arm bar, which is the rest hold of choice for the match. Boring! Criss cross allows Shawn a vicious stun gun, but he’s too winded to follow up, so Hart whips him to the corner. He misses a charge, however, and posts his shoulder. Again, Shawn is too damaged to capitalize right away, but eventually gets to it with a single arm DDT. He hammers and stomps the right shoulder, and forces the champ to take the sternum first bump for two. Chinlock, which is Shawn’s rest hold of choice, eats up some more time, but doesn’t kill the crowd. That’s how you know when you’ve got someone special. Bret fights out to keep them pumped, but it’s SHAWN MICHAELS, so he tugs at the hair to keep him in. That, of course, just makes the crowd want him to escape THAT MUCH more. It’s art I tells ya. He finally does bust out, but takes a dropkick for two from the IC champ. Backbreaker gets two, and he chinlocks him again. Enough of this “rest hold” art! Paint a fucking can of soup already! Bret suplexes his way out (to a big pop), but is out of gas, allowing Michaels to dominate some more. Front facelock applied, so Hart fights out, and bulldogs him. 2nd rope elbow misses (whenever it’s a “sailing elbow” it ALWAYS misses!) which allows Michaels a back elbow for two. Facelock again, to eat up more time, but the arm only drops twice, and Bret small packages him for two. Side suplex pops the hot crowd, and he slingshots him into the post, then revs up the engine, and beats the shit out of his challenger. Backdrop for two. Russian legsweep for two. Backbreaker and the 2nd rope elbow for two. Superplex hits (which was what Smith tried, but was toppled by Shawn to cost him the IC title, but it worked for Bret!) gets two. Atomic drop countered, and Shawn out maneuvers him, dumping him to the floor. Shawn slams him out there, and rolls him on in! Big corner whip (wow!) gets two, and a backdrop get another two. Shawn gets frustrated, so Hart rolls him up for two, so Shawn superkicks him. That meant shit at this point, however. Side suplex (his finisher), but Bret rakes the eyes and hammers, only to have HBK hit it anyway! It gets two, so Bret decks him, and tries a bodypress, only to land in the ropes. Ouch. He goes to the 2nd rope, and flies in with a dropkick, but Bret catches him in the Sharpshooter to end this at 26:40. Simply put, when they went hard this was like **** level, and when they were in-between it was like * level. I’ll call it at ***, I guess. (That’s a fancy way of saying I thought it was slow, though I liked it significantly better in the BUExperience)

- Afterwards, things get odd, as Santa (yes, Santa) comes out and celebrates with the Hitman. Okay…

- Bottom Line: The main event is good (at times, AWESOME), but the rest of the card is a total wash. Even the good tag match can’t save this one, especially considering the atrocity that was the casket match. If you’re interested in early Hart/Michaels seek this out (although they’d have better matches later on) … otherwise, don’t bother.

- Recommendation to Avoid. (I don’t know what was up my ass here, because this show is a lot of fun, and headlined by Hart and Michaels going a half-hour on pay per view for the first time)