HITMAN383 Rant for WWF SummerSlam 1991

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF SummerSlam 1991. I’m in the mood for this one, so why the hell not, eh? It’s a pretty interesting show, anyway. that’s for sure.

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.


- Live from New York, New York (Madison Square Garden, drawing 20,000 people, and a 2.7 buyrate).

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan and Roddy Piper.

- Opening Six Man Tag Team Match: Ricky Steamboat, Kerry Von Erich & Davey Boy Smith vs. The Warlord, Paul Roma & Hercules: Hercules looks like a DEAD-ON Jake Roberts here, for whatever reason. Steamboat starts with Roma, and Paul actually dominates, slamming the Dragon around. Dropkick, but Steamboat goes to the armdrags, and armbars. I guess gimmicks can’t change a wrestler, no matter WHAT you try. (Why would you try to change Ricky Steamboat?) Hercules gets the tag, and joins the armdrag contention. Kerry gets in, and hammers away. Warlord and Smith get in, and do the old “no one moves” spots. Bulldog wins with a big lariat, and the hanging suplex gets two. Tag to Ricky, who hits a flying chop. They do a neat reversal sequence (completely carried by Steamboat, who is essentially wrestling himself), and Roma gets in to hit a big clothesline. Dragon rolls him up for two, which draws the entire heel faction in to beat the shit out of him. Neat sequence, there. Roma with a gorgeous snap suplex for two, and follows up with a series of backbreakers. Hercules gets in to press slam the Dragon, trying to finish what his afro started at WrestleMania II, and hits a big stun gun. The heels work together to keep the hurt on the Dragon. That goes on for a while, until Warlord misses something off the 2nd rope, and Von Erich gets the hot tag. Everyone feels the wrath of the Tornado, and Davey gets tagged in to hit a bodypress for two. Roma runs in, but immediately takes the running powerslam for two, so Steamboat hits the flying bodypress on him to finish at 10:42. Six mans are good at hiding weaknesses, and this was perfectly decent, albeit unspectacular. *.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Mr. Perfect vs. Bret Hart: This is a very famous match, where Bret wins his first singles title, and Curt is forced out of wrestling because of his back. Bret controls to start, and hooks a crucifix for two. Bret goes to the mat-based headlock, but they show their genius by always keeping the hold interesting by either rolling through for two counts, or pulling at the hair, or doing SOMETHING to keep it interesting. Hennig breaks out with a knee, but Hart hits a bodypress for two. Sunset flip gets two, and Bret goes back to the headlock. That earns him a big chop, and Curt tries a kick, but gets tripped up, and kicked in the nuts. Bret with a series of slams, and a clothesline puts the champ on the outside. Perfect tries to bail to the showers, so Bret literally rips him apart (rips off the tights), and drags him back for some more ass kicking. It backfires, however, as Curt goes back to the chops, and leaves the challenger for dead on the floor. Bret tries to get back in, but Bret debuts a spot he would make famous, getting knocked off the apron into something. In this case, it’s a ring technician, and the guardrail. Inside, Hart gets a fluke roll up for two, but Curt goes right back to the chops. Bret takes his patented cross corner bump for two, and Hennig hits the rolling neck snap. Rolling cradle gets two, and a dropkick floors the Hitman. Slugfest on the outside won by Hennig, and he climbs upstairs. Hart follows, however, and they slug it out on the top rope. Curt wins, knocking Bret off, and tangling him in the ropes. That gets two, so Curt decides to educate this young punk with some slaps. Sleeper (with gusto in his application) draws a “Lets Go Bret” chant, and revives the challenger. Crucifix again, but this time Hennig counters with a Samoan drop. Hart takes the sternum first bump (which makes me, and the whole audience cringe with its force) for two, and it’s Perfect-plex time! That gets two (!), so Hennig abuses the referee. That allows Hart to recover, and hit an atomic drop. Another, and he hits a hair slam spot, sending Hennig right into the post, crotch first. Snap suplex gets two, and a small package gets two. Russian leg sweep (called a “neckbreaker” by Monsoon) gets two, and a backbreaker connects. 2nd rope elbow for two, and now HART gets pissed at the official. That allows Curt to roll him up for two, and it spills outside again. Hennig oversells a whip into the post (with a FLIP!), and we’re in again. Bret kicks the shit out of the legs (with Curt flipping and flopping around like some kind of fish), and it’s Sharpshooter time! The Coach (Hennig’s second) gets on the apron, however, so Bret decks him. That gives Hennig time to crotch him on the ropes, and then actually WORK THE PART. He tries a legdrop to the nuts, but Bret hooks it up, and rolls into the Sharpshooter to win the title at 18:02. Hennig submitted in like one second there, because his back was so bad at this point. He, of course, wouldn’t wrestle again until late 1992, and Bret had just begun his first step to becoming a legend. The match was awesome, of course, full of poetic justice, psychology, and action. ****.

- The Natural Disasters vs. The Bushwhackers: Yeah, a **** match, and now this. The ‘Whackers have Andre the Giant with them, just for the hell of it. Bushwhackers’ entrance takes FOREVER, and they follow that up by stalling forever. Well, at least they’re consistently sucky. Butch and Typhoon start, and ass biting occurs rather quickly. Heel miscommunication allows the faces to have their fun with the fat boys, and clean house. ‘Quake jumps Butch from behind, however, and rips him apart like he’s a piece of cake at a Vegas buffet line. Luckily for us, this mess seems like it’s going to be a RAW match, as all the tag formula seems to be moving along rather quickly. Good, now get to the hot tag, and lets get this shit over with! Anyway, Butch Morton gets beat up for a while, but Luke gets the warm tag. The faces double-team the Disasters to take control, but Luke ends up getting sandwiched between the two jellyrolls. Butt splash finishes at a brisk 6:30, thankfully. Hey, this could have been worse, such as around thirteen minutes, or so, like the old Coliseum tapes. THAT would have delved into “offensive,” as this was just boring. DUD. Afterwards, the heels try to take their aggression out on Andre, so the Road Warriors make the save. Okay.

- Backstage, Bobby Heenan shows up at Ric Flair’s dressing room, NWA World Title in hand. He challenges the Hulk to a match, but gets the door slammed in his face. This was pretty big at the time, considering that he’s holding the NWA/WCW title in a period when the two promotions didn’t even acknowledge eachother, let alone show up on T.V. with eachothers belts. Bobby even seems nervous to be there, and rightly so.

- Million Dollar Title Match: Ted DiBiase vs. Virgil: This is what you call a “well done feud.” One where you have it build for around four years before it comes to a head, and when you do blow it off, you don’t rush to that either, taking about eight months to do it. You just don’t see big, epic storylines like that anymore. Piper, of course, is wildly cheering him on from the commentator’s table. Virgil, that ungrateful punk, jumps DiBiase from behind, and beats him from pillar to post, knocking him to the outside. Meanwhile, Heenan returns to the broadcast table, as Gorilla comments that “his hands are green!” Nice, but still cheap, shot. Virgil tries a slingshot bodypress over the top, but misses, in a spot no one at the broadcast booth notices, since we’re all talking to Bobby about Ric Flair. Teddy beats him on the outside, and in, he hits a clothesline. Fist drop gets two, but he misses another clothesline, and Virgil slaps on the Million-Dollar Dream! DiBiase fades, but Sherri runs in, and nails Virgil with her purse for the DQ at 3:56. Man, and people complain about short matches TODAY. This is like eleven years ago! (Okay, so this was written in 2002)  Everyone’s pissed, but the referee makes a call that Sherri must return to the dressing rooms, but the match WILL continue. Well, the CROWD certainly loves that idea. Both guys stagger to their feet, and exchange blows, as Piper does an extraordinary selling job on commentary. 1991 Piper was a TERRIFIC commentator, for those who have never heard him. (One more reason I can’t wait for the WWE Network: old Piper promos!) Virgil with the ten-punch count, and he tries a cross corner whip, but DiBiase reverses, and the ref gets bumped. DiBiase with a nice snap suplex, as he taunts both Virgil and Piper. Two more suplexes, and he adds the exclamation point with a piledriver. Cover, but the referee is still dead, and we get no count. DiBiase takes this in stride, however, and exposes the turnbuckle. He goes to use it, but gets reversed, and tastes the cold steel. Both guys are out, and the ref starts the double count. Virgil manages to crawl over for the cover, and with his last breath, Virgil gets the pin at 9:39, to win the title. Truly epic booking here, great commentary, and solid wrestling from two guys who know what they’re doing. ** ½.

- Backstage, The Mountie degrades the New York police (or as he calls them, “these local hick cops(”)), who are waiting to take the loser of Mountie/Bossman to jail for a night. This is a classic series of vintages building to, and following the match, BTW. More to come later.

- Jailhouse Match: The Big Bossman vs. The Mountie: Mountie talks trash to start, so Bossman responds with a Lewis style knockout blow. Man, just call Jacques Mike Tyson, tonight. (Well, that’s what Dynamite Kid calls him, anyway)  He continues to just punch the living hell out of him, getting a two count, and he hits the Nash-rope-choke spot. He tries another, but Mountie moves, so Bossman changes his move to a baseball slide to bail out. Neat. Mountie rakes the eyes, but ends up getting caught in a great looking spinebuster slam. He gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, however, and chases him to the outside, where Mountie dumps him into the stairs. Back inside, that gets two. Slugfest won by Mountie, and a series of elbow drops gets two. Dropkick gets two, and he actually manages a piledriver. Hart distracts the ref, and Mountie tries to use the shock stick, but misses, and gets decked. Bossman slam, but it only gets two! Mountie tries another piledriver, but gets picked up, and Bossman finishes with the Alabama slam at 8:38. Slow match, but nothing terrible, or anything. ½*.

- After, the NYPD come down and handcuff the Mountie, and drag him to the car, kicking and screaming the whole way.

- And now, it’s intermission time! Time for a bunch of pointless backstage interview bits!

- DiBiase yells about the injustice of his match.

- Bret gloats about his new Intercontinental title belt.

- The Natural Disasters cry and whine about Andre the Giant.

- Bossman makes fun of the Mountie’s misfortune.

- The Mountie arrives at jail, yelling and screaming about how you can’t do this to him because HE’S THE MOUNTIE! Hilarious stuff.

- The Nasty Boys promise a successful tag title defense against the Road Warriors.

- Back to jail, it’s picture time, but Mountie refuses to look up, so a cop yells out “I heard the Bossman kicked your butt,” and he jerks his head up in anger, and they snap the shot. This stuff is just too funny.

- The Road Warriors promise to win the WWF titles from the Nasty Boys.

- To jail again, Mountie refuses to give his fingerprints. The cop demands that he “give us the finger,” which he gladly obliges in common New York City fashion. (That was pretty non-PG for 1991. I remember being shocked by it as a kid)

- Sgt. Slaughter, General Adnan and the Iron Sheik threaten Hulk Hogan and Warrior. Slaughter claims Hulk lost “about five gallons of blood” at WrestleMania VII. Yeah, five gallons.

- Sid (who is the special guest referee for the main event) promises to call it down the middle. This was during Sid’s REALLY short first WWF run. He would leave really shortly after this, and not return until early 1992, for whatever reason. (I’m pretty sure it was an injury)

- And that’s the end of one LONG intermission. Normally, I don’t bother covering this shit, but I really wanted to get those Mountie segments in there, so, you know.

- WWF Tag Team Title Street Fight: The Nasty Boys vs. The Legion of Doom: After waiting over five years to sign the guys, and letting them toil on the roster for another year, Vince finally pulls the trigger. (Man, if people wasted as much time on the Internet in 1991 as 2014 keyboards would have broken with people bitching about the delay)  Hawk with a powerbomb on Knobs early on for two, and a shoulder tackle gets two on Sags. The Boys get dirty, however, and decide to mace Hawk to take control. The commentators are too busy talking about Hulk Hogan to notice, however, and can’t seem to figure out why Hawk is rolling around in agony. (Did we accidentally time travel to 1997 and into the WCW years?) To the floor, Sags whacks him with a cooler of sodas, and delivers some early 90s style abuse. Anyway, the beating drags on, without much of note happening, until the Nasties screw up, and Animal gets the hot tag. Powerslam for Knobs gets two, as I wonder why they bother with tags, when it’s a STREET FIGHT!!! (That still bugs me, actually)  Bikers helmet gets involved, and Animal gets killed, giving Knobs a two count. The LOD steal the helmet however, and take out the Nasties in stride. Doomsday Device, and we have new champions at 7:45. Big pop for THAT one. The match actually was nothing more than a formula tag match, despite being a street fight. Total nothing match, too. ¼*.

- To the jail, Mountie is STILL bitching, this time crying “you’re hurting my arm” as he’s being dragged around. How he does this with a straight face, I’ll never know. Anyway, he gets thrown in a cell with a couple of rough looking guys, screaming the whole way.

- IRS vs. Greg Valentine: This is just kind of thrown out there for the point of putting something on, I think, since I don’t remember these two having any kind of issue. Greg with a HARD shoulderblock to start, noticeably jarring Irwin. They repeat the spot again, for whatever reason, as the announcers go over what we have already seen tonight, and what’s to come. Well, at least they aren’t taking anything away from the match in this case, since this is just filler anyway. Hammer with a sunset flip for two, and a slam. To the floor, Greg goes to work, but back inside, IRS kicks the shit out of him. Rope assisted abdominal stretch gets involved (the dude has been on offense for all of EIGHT SECONDS, and he goes to the stretch. Now you KNOW he’s dogging it), and then drops an elbow. Chinlock, but Greg gets uppity, and takes a backbreaker. Upstairs, but Valentine slams him off like his name’s Ric Flair. IRS’s knee gets banged up, and Greg hooks the figure four, just for the hell of it. He makes the ropes quickly, however, so Greg hits a knee breaker. Back to the hold, but IRS cradles him for the win at 7:07. Really lackluster match here. DUD.

- Main Event Handi-capped Match: Hulk Hogan & The Ultimate Warrior vs. Sgt. Slaughter, General Adnan, & The Iron Sheik: Sid is, of course, the referee for this one. The pop for the faces is pretty insane, as the New York crowd really backs them up. Hogan and Slaughter start, and stall, spitting at eachother for the first two minutes as opposed to making contact. Slaughter wastes no time taking his “over the top cross corner whip” bump, and then gets assaulted by Hogan and Warrior. Double clothesline leaves him down, and Warrior hits an atomic drop. Double big boot, as I wonder why the Sarge is being made to look like a complete jobber in there. Hogan gets two off the big boot spot, and a clothesline follows. Hogan/Warrior work the guy over with good tag team psychology, actually, doing frequent tags, and double team offense. The only thing they keep forgetting is to cut the ring in half, and it’s causing the crowd to refuse them heat. Finally, they go back to the formula that’s worked for the past 30 years: let the heels have control, and draw heat. In this case, the Sarge cheats to win, and tags in Adnan to do some back rakes on the Hulkster. And guess what? Right away a “Hogan” chant breaks out, since this is the stuff that DRAWS HEAT, not weak face offense in a tag match. Sheik gets in, and quickly hits the gutwrench suplex. Camel clutch, but Warrior breaks it up quickly. Slaughter with a backbreaker for two, and he works him over in the corner. Attempted ref bump by Slaughter, but Sid is too big to get knocked down, and Adnan comes back in for some biting. Man, all this guy has done tonight is rake the back, and bite people. Slaughter’s in, and goes upstairs, but Warrior pushes him off to stop the assault. Hot tag to Warrior, who goes to work, but runs into referee Sid. That allows Slaughter to jump him, and the heels do the beatdown in the corner. More back rakes by Adnan. Sheik’s in for a suplex, but Warrior reverses, and hits his own. He tries for the tag, but the Triangle of Terror is right there to stop him. Warrior comes back with a nice jumping clothesline (aided tremendously by some excellent camera work), and we do the double KO spot. It serves its purpose, too, pumping up the crowd. Warm tag to Hogan, who does a number on Slaughter, and hits the big boot. Everyone’s in to brawl now, and Warrior chases Sheik and Adnan to the locker rooms with a chair, not to be seen again on WWF TV until WrestleMania VIII. Hogan then tosses some powder in Slaughter’s eyes behind Sid’s back, and drops the leg for the pin at 12:38. Warrior’s still gone, so Hogan does his posefest with Sid instead, to a pretty good reaction. Match was a load of crap, of course, but it could have been worse, considering the parties involved. ¼*.

- Meanwhile, back at jail, one of the rough looking guys turns out to be gay, and tries to make the Mountie his bitch. This is, without any sarcasm, truly hilarious.

- And now, the wedding. See, to build up more anticipation for SummerSlam, Vince decided to have a faux marriage between Randy Savage and Elizabeth on the show. From a storyline standpoint, it actually wasn’t a very bad idea, concluding seven years (!!) worth of build up, and especially after the events of WrestleMania VII. Anyway, the ceremony defies the rules of all wrestling weddings, and actually goes off without a hitch. I, of course, laugh like crazy when they both promise to “deny all others.” Yeah, good luck with that one guys.

- Onto the reception. I’ll tell you, you haven’t LIVED until you’ve seen the Macho Man opening up presents with intense excitement and yelling “CANDLESTICKS!!” in the most jovial voice you’ve ever heard, with his eyes lighting up like a kid on Christmas. I mean, we’re talking Monica Geller here, folks. Of course, the night ends in tragedy, as one of the presents contains a cobra, which freaks out Randy and Liz. It’s from Jake Roberts, of course, so he and the Undertaker show up to personally deliver the gift. This goes on for a few minutes until Sid makes the save.

- Bottom Line: Hart/Hennig is a classic match, while other things like Bossman/Mountie, and Virgil/DiBiase are intense feuds, even if they aren’t classic matches themselves. The show itself, as a whole, is a lot of fun to sit through, and even though the star ratings may not translate it in the rant, this is by no means a bad show.

- Recommended.