HITMAN383 Re-Rant for WWF SummerSlam 1994

- The HITMAN383 Re-Rant for WWF SummerSlam 1994. This is for no reason, really, other than I feel like watching it again. After all, it IS from my favorite period in wrestling history, so any 1994 stuff is an easy choice. If only I could find some T.V. shows from the era, or Royal Rumble 1994. (This was written in 2002, and well before everything was on YouTube. Of course, today, it’s all NETWORK, NETWORK, NETWORK for me, but back then we were still at the mercy of video stores)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Chicago, Illinois (United Center, drawing 23,000 people and a 1.3 buyrate).

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.

- Opening Match: Bam Bam Bigelow & IRS vs. The Headshrinkers: This was originally for the Headshrinkers’ tag team titles, but they lost them the night before to Shawn Michaels & Diesel at a house show. I’m sure that made everyone in this one just THAT much happier to be there. Bigelow starts off with Fatu, and over powers him with some shoulderblocks. Blind charge misses, however, and Fatu superkicks him for two. Slam, but Bam Bam topples him for two. Enzuiguri, and he heads upstairs, but misses a flying headbutt. Fatu with a 360 clothesline, and he tags Samu. Double superkick gets two, as Vince shamelessly shills pizza (Eh, still not as bad as Jim Ross in early 90s WCW, telling fans he’d much rather be at home watching with a Miller-Lite. Or Michael Cole pretty much every week these days). IRS tags in (which gets a HUGE crowd reaction, for whatever reason), but gets slammed around by Samu. Superkick gets two, but a bodypress misses. IRS tries one, but he misses too, and flies over the top to the outside. Fatu gets in with IRS now, but Bam Bam tugs the ropes down on a criss cross, and Fatu hits the floor. He does a number on him out there, and rolls him in for IRS to establish Fatu as Ricky Morton. Bigelow tags in, and he have a double knockout spot. Both men get the tag, and we have a slugfest! Samu wins with a backdrop, and then gives Bam Bam one, so he won’t feel left out. Flying headbutt on IRS gets two, when Bigelow saves, so Samu knocks him to the floor. Double headbutt for IRS, and a double forward Russian leg sweep. Assisted splash, but the referee is caught up with DiBiase. That allows Bigelow to run in, and make the save, then attack the face managers. The ‘Shrinkers are there, however, and chase them off down the aisle. The official result is a DQ win for the Million Dollar Team at 7:12. Very good match, with a hot crowd, but the ending just killed it. Still, ** ¾.

- WWF Womens Title Match: Alundra Blayze vs. Bull Nakano: This is always a good bet, quality-wise. (They had a bunch of suck-fests in WCW (both in the ring, and…) a few years later, but yeah, they were really clicking in 1994) Bull uses her formidable size advantage to control, but Alundra uses her speed to dropkick her into next week. Nakano’s response? Hair slam her like she’s her bitch. Stiff leg drop by the challenger for one, as I just WISH she were working as a trainer for other woman wrestlers in the WWF today. Or even wrestling herself. Then again, if she wrestled, she’d have to dumb it down, or else she’d expose the rest of the division. Alundra with a series of heel kicks to comeback, as I have Vietnam-style X-Pac flashbacks. Bull chokes her to stop the effort, and goes to the Boston crab, but she makes the ropes. Nakano’s response? Hook a variation of the Sharpshooter that would make Bret Hart go “damn, that was some fucked up shit.” (I’m sure Bret saw it. If he heard a girl was being tied up like a pretzel, no way he’d miss it) Alundra desperately tries to get a fluke roll up pin, but it only gets two, and Bull tries to break her arm. Alundra with some hair slams of her own for a two count, as the crowd rallies behind her. Or maybe they’re rallying FOR her behind. I don’t know which. She proves that blonde’s ARE dumb, and tries a piledriver, but gets backdropped for two. Bull with a lariat, so Alundra backslides her for two. Rana, but Bull powerbombs her for two. Slam, and she goes upstairs. Butt splash misses, however (ouch), and Blayze German suplexes her for the pin at 8:16. To say “the crowd went wild” would be an understatement. ***.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Diesel vs. Razor Ramon: Razor has Walter Payton with him tonight, to try to repel the cheating of Shawn Michaels. He looks none too happy to be there, either, but fuck him, because this was actually during the all-too-short period in 1994 when Kevin Nash and Scott Hall were pretty decent workers. (They were both decent workers right up until the jump to WCW in 1996, when they stopped actively trying to improve, and just coasted on their names for years) Razor controls with punches to start, and Diesel actually SELLS IT ALL, and bails to the outside. Shawn comforts him, of course. That gives him the strength to go in and kill Razor for a while, and feed him a big clothesline for dinner. He serves up a boot choke for dessert, so Razor tries to throw up a backdrop, but gets face slammed. Sleeper by the big man, but Ramon side suplexes out. Diesel still dumps him out, however, and Shawn manages to tease Payton, rip off the turnbuckle pad, distract the referee, AND cheap shot Razor Ramon, all in the span of 15 seconds. Shawn is the man. (Yes, but did he also stop to get me a beer in those fifteen seconds? That’s what I thought) Back in, Diesel lays in some elbows in the corner. Shawn distracts the ref again, allowing Diesel to use the un-padded corner, and hit the sidewalk slam for two. Snake eyes into the corner (the protected one), and Shawn gets some more cheap shots in, as Diesel hits the Nash-rope-choke-spot. Elbow drop gets two, so he goes to the knee-to-neck chinlock. Crowd rallies behind Ramon, and he’s a house of fire, but eats boot for a two count. I guess he still wasn’t full from the last meal Diesel served up. Abdominal stretch (making sure to use the ropes), but he gets caught, and Razor reverses it. Diesel hip tosses out, and tries the snake eyes in the exposed corner, but Razor pushes HIM into it, and gets a roll up for a CLOSE two. Crowd thought that was it, and so did I, even though I KNOW how this turns out. Razor controls now, and crotches Diesel on the post, then bulldogs him for two. Again, crowd thought that was it. Slam for two, and Shawn’s on the apron, so Razor clocks him, and he bumps into the rail. And he’s NOT EVEN IN THIS MATCH! Super side-suplex, but Diesel blocks, and tries the powerbomb, but Ramon backdrops him. He calls for the Edge, but there’s Shawn again, and Diesel nails him from behind. Flying shoulderblock (!!), and Shawn snags the IC belt, but Payton wrestles him over it. That gets the referee outside, so Diesel holds Razor for Shawn, but the superkick misses, and Michaels nails Diesel! Razor covers the fallen champion, and we have a NEW IC champion at 15:00. Now THAT was quality booking like you never see anymore, and the crowd was appropriately jacked up for it. Good match, too. ***.

- Lex Luger vs. Tatanka: The issue here is that Tatanka accused Lex of “selling out” to Ted DiBiase, but Luger says he didn’t, so they fight. They spend the opening minute yelling at eachother, as opposed to, you know, wrestling. Then they get started with the awesome action! That translates to false tie-ups out the wazoo, to establish that this is a face vs. face match-up, damn it! They trade arm bars and stuff, to further the point, and to bore everyone. Tatanka with a bodypress for two, but Luger cradles him for two. You’d think it’s the face/face crap holding them back from a good match, but I site King of the Ring 1993, where they stunk up the ring heel/face, and other matches after this one that were face/heel that all sucked. It’s like the Roberts/Rude feud for the 1990s. What I don’t get, is if you have a feud, and all the matches are sucking, why continue to have these guys wrestle? If it’s drawing millions, fine, I get it, but otherwise, I don’t. In addition, at least make it short. (I agree with all that, but to be fair, this was a very short match for pay per view) Anyway, this one is actually pretty decent, as Tatanka controls, and hits a flying axehandle for two. He misses a second, however, and Luger shoulderblocks him into tomorrow. Enter Ted DiBiase, as Luger powerslams Tatanka. He calls for the rack, as Ted takes some money out for him. That distracts Luger, however, and Tatanka rolls him up from behind for the pin at 6:01. Decent enough, and kept short. That’s all I ask. ¾*. Afterwards, Tatanka turns heel to join DiBiase (see, he sold-out all along), and they do a beatdown on Luger, finishing by stuffing a $100 bill in his mouth. Nice touch. Crowd is shocked, as was I at the time.

- Mabel vs. Jeff Jarrett: Well, you knew you had to have at least ONE filler match, so might as well have your token black rapper appearance. (Kinda like today, when John Cena makes token white rapper appearances) Double J uses his speed to avoid becoming an appetizer, but a criss cross allows Mabel to topple him. Slam, and Mabel clotheslines him over the top to the floor. Inside, Jarrett trips Mabel up, and hits a 2nd rope elbow. Series of 2nd rope axehandles attempt to knock the big man down, but fail, so he goes to the top, but gets caught. He still manages to sleeper him, however, but takes Mabel’s spin kick for two. Powerslam gets two, so Double J rakes the eyes. He gets distracted by Oscar, however, and Mabel squashes him on the post outside. In, Mabel misses a big 2nd rope splash, and Jarrett gets two off of it. Jarrett with a sunset flip, so Mabel tries to sit on him, but misses, and Jeff cradles him for the win at 5:40. Decent, well paced match, surprisingly. * ¼, which is about * more than I expected.

- We get a look at the awesome Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart feud. It all starts at Survivor Series 1993, where four Hart brothers took on Shawn Michaels and some masked Knights. The Harts easily won, but Owen took an elimination during the match (the only brother eliminated), and blamed Bret for it. He challenged Bret to a match, but Bret refused to take on his own brother. They made up over Christmas, however, and teamed up to take on the Quebecers for the tag titles at the Royal Rumble. They lost, however, when Bret hurt his knee, and Owen publicly blamed Bret, and kicked his bad knee out. Bret still managed to co-win the Royal Rumble match later that night, and would get a title shot at WrestleMania X. But, since Lex Luger also won the Rumble, he needed a title shot, too. And since he won a coin toss to face WWF Champion Yokozuna first, Bret would need “suitable competition” to busy his time, and make it fair, since the WWF champion he would face at WrestleMania X would have already wrestled a match. That competition? Owen Hart. They put on a classic, hard-fought battle there, and Owen pulled out a win. But, later that night, Bret gets the win over Yokozuna to win his second WWF title, with Owen looking on in shock. Bret goes on to defend the title against Diesel at King of the Ring, and had Jim Neidhart in his corner to help protect him from Shawn Michaels’ interference. He ends up getting Bret DQ’d (to keep his title), and then later that night, attacks Razor Ramon to allow Owen to beat Razor and win the tournament. The whole Hart family is angry, so tonight, Bret and Owen settle this inside the steel cage! Quite the feud, the likes of which they never do today. (In case that didn’t make it clear, I LOVED this feud, and it was pretty much the feud that hooked me as a fan as opposed to a kid who sometimes checked out Superstars after cartoons or American Gladiators on the weekend)

- The whole Hart family (including the returning Davey Boy Smith, and Jim Neidhart) are at ringside for this, and all want to see an ending to this feud. The sad thing is, from the whole group that would wrestle in this feud (Bret, Owen, Davey, Jim) only half are still alive, and the other two are no longer around. Makes me sad, actually, because I miss the days of Bret Hart on top, the whole family in tow.

- WWF Title Steel Cage Match: Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart: Bret draws an insane pop on the way out. Owen, of course, doesn’t care, and jumps him on the way in. He beats the hell out of him, but Bret hits an atomic drop, to try to halt the assault. It works as a quick fix, but Owen is right back on him in moments, and they slug it out. Bret hits a DDT, as the match starts to drag for whatever reason. Poor start, that’s for sure. Anyway, Bret makes an attempt to climb out, but Owen drags him back in, and hits the enzuiguri. He makes the climb, but Bret pulls him back, and side suplexes him off the top rope. The thing that really makes this match great, above anything else, is all the feasible NEAR escapes throughout the thing, all which serve to pump the crowd up like crazy. Bret tries for the door, and fails, so he bulldogs his little brother, then tries again! They play “go for the door, get pulled back, other guy tries, and repeat” for a while, but do it better than anyone else has … ever. Why? Every attempt seems like THIS ONE will be it. Bret climbs, but gets slammed off the top rope, and Owen tries his luck. He comes pretty close (getting all the way over, and half down), but the champ draws him back in, and they slug it out on the top rope. Owen wins, toppling the Hitman, and he hits a big missile dropkick. Okay. Ouch. Owen climbs again, giving the crowd a near heart attack, but Bret stops that, and they fight up there again. Both try to make it out, but both fail, and fall off, in dramatic fashion. Owen tries a piledriver, but Bret backdrops him, and they do a criss cross, leading to a double knockout. They do the escape game some more, and Owen can’t seem to get Bret down off the cage, so he violently tugs the leg, and the champ gets crotched viciously. Gee, no wonder he broke up with his wife. 2nd rope elbow misses for Bret, allowing Owen to make the climb, but Bret hits a big slam to stop him. HE climbs, and the crowd goes crazy, but Owen stops him, and Samoan drops him. Bret tries again, and you can literally SEE the audience members jumping up and down with excitement, but Owen side suplexes him off. Piledriver by Owen (which looked pretty SummerSlam ‘97-ish), and Bret’s dead. So, what does Owen do? CLIMB (!) of course! They fight up there, and Owen decks Bret off, but falls off to violently crotch himself. Double ouch. Bret nearly makes the door a couple times, but Owen is just a tenacious little monkey, and Bret just cannot escape. Owen makes his own tries, but Bret is just as tenacious, and slingshots his baby brother into the steel. Bret tries for the door, but goes to the wrong corner (good psychology, showing how dis-orienting the battle is), but Owen makes a literal leaping halt of it. Bret takes a HARD cross corner whip, and Owen tries to follow with a German suplex, but Bret just RAMS him into the steel. Bret climbs, and Owen makes an effort, but collapses with exhaustion, THEN regroups, and still gets Bret! Now THAT is quality wrestling. Doing EVERYTHING in your power to make it just THAT much more exciting, and interesting. Spinkick by the younger Hart, and he climbs, but Bret’s there too, and literally kicks Owen off, in a dramatic, solid bump. Owen is just insane, taking some of these bumps out there. Criss cross allows Owen a clothesline, and he climbs, but there’s his older brother to superplex him off the top of the cage! Once again: Owen hart is IN-SANE. Both men sell their fatigue, and bruises, by having trouble even SITTING UP, and Bret crawls for the door at about the speed Yoda was moving at throughout Episode II. Except at the end, of course. (God. Episode 2. I haven’t seen it since it was in theaters, but man do I remember people going nuts over that Yoda scene) Owen stops him, however, and hooks the Sharpshooter, but Bret reverses! Bret climbs again, but Owen’s up there in a flash, and both tumble down to the canvas. Owen musters his final strength, and climbs once more, getting over the top, but Bret follows. They both fight on the outer part of the steel, but Bret smashes Owen’s face into the steel, which causes him to fall back, and get his legs hooked in the cage. Bret then jumps down, and gets the win at 32:08 to retain the WWF title. That only serves to piss Jim Neidhart off, however, so he jumps Davey at ringside, and then he and Owen take Bret in the cage, padlock the door shut, and do an old school beatdown. Everyone from the Hart clan tries to climb in and stop it, but no one can, until Davey takes off his shirt (giving … him … superpowers?), and he chases the heels off! Awesome match, awesome ending, awesome feud! **** ¾ for the match itself, but the angle leading to it, and the angle after are 5-stars all the way.

- Main Event: The Undertaker vs. The Undertaker: Okay, I’ll tell you the story for this one, and if any of it makes ANY sense to ANYONE, e-mail me so I can give you the number of a good psychiatrist. See, at the Royal Rumble ’94 Undertaker lost to Yokozuna in a casket match (with the help of 9 other wrestlers), and the UT “died” there, and went to the heavens. Then, the WWF does a bunch of INCREDIBLY lame skits where everyday jewelers, and butchers see the ‘Taker hanging out in local places. Then, Ted DiBiase brings UT back, but Paul Bearer felt he was a fraud (it was ECW’s Prime Time Brian Lee). So, Paul says that this man is not the ‘Taker, and promises to bring HIS Undertaker to SummerSlam to fight DiBiase’s Undertaker. And here we are. The funny part is watching all this on the pre-match video package, and going “okay, WHAT?” about 10 times. Absurd is an appropriate word. Stupid is another. Interesting isn’t one, however. (To be fair, when I was nine, I totally bought it, and my I remember my younger cousin being terrified by the Undertaker dying at the Rumble and then coming back to life. And hell, we were their target audience, so…)  Of course, if you’re going to do it, it HAS to be the last match, because if it were earlier, this hot crowd would be DEAD for anything else, including the cage match. The real ‘Taker brings a casket with him, just incase, and about two inches more height than Brian Lee, just to REALLY embarrass everyone involved with this garbage. Give Lee credit, he does LOOK like Mark, but the illusion is TOTALLY blown when the two of them are standing eye-to-nose. (I don’t know if you can give a guy credit for looking like someone else (sounds like the credit is more appropriately due to someone in the office), but there you go) They run around eachother to start, hitting various moves, with no one actually selling anything. The ‘Faker does something resembling selling by falling to the floor off of a big boot, but then just goes after Paul Bearer as opposed to writhing in pain. UT suplexes UF back in, as the crowd responds to all this by just making no noise whatsoever, and looking on with indifference. I’ll tell ya, if I were in the cheap seats for this one, I would be leaving right about at this point. UT hits the ropewalk forearm, and they slug it out again. UT misses a clothesline, and falls to the floor, where UF goes to work. I can barely type fast enough to keep up with these guys! They’re like cruiserweights or something. Anyway, the match finally reaches some kind of climax, as the UnderFaker hits the tombstone, but the UnderTaker sits up, and hits three of his own to get the win at 8:39. Well, that was bad. Afterwards, UT dumps UF in the casket, luckily never to be heard of again (well, at least in THIS gimmick). The match was atrocious, of course, and the only good thing it has to its credit is that it finally rid us of this angle, and didn’t have any resting. -*. (That’s a huge bump up from the first HITMAN383 Rant. In fact, though I went negative two in the BUExperience, I think this was is where I would leave it today)

- Bottom Line: Up until the “main event,” this is a pretty incredible card! I mean, the cage title match was a classic. An absolute classic, showing the Hart brothers at the top of their game, and one of the WWF’s best feuds. All the other matches were all good, with nothing sucking, and some great angles with Ramon/Diesel, and Luger/Tatanka, and the Hart Brothers. Only the main event hurts this show. But, you know what? I’m not going to let it ruin my fun. 1994 is my favorite year for wrestling, the year I started getting into it, and for me, they can do no unforgivable wrong that year.

- Highly Recommended show. (It’s been almost twenty years since I first saw this, and I still love it. Something of an underrated show, actually, as it’s really solid top-to-bottom, has an all time classic cage match, and historical shit like Randy Savage’s last WWF pay per view appearance. But then there’s that main event…)