HITMAN383 Re-Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1992

- The HITMAN383 Re-Rant for Royal Rumble 1992. I figured, hey, I feel like watching this one again for, like, the last three weeks, and since the original rant is pretty old anyway, why not? (This was written in October 2002, and is one of the last few shows I reviewed in the HITMAN383 days)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Albany, New York (Knickerbocker Arena, drawing 17,000 people, and a 1.8 buyrate).

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, and Bobby Heenan, doing one of the best commentary jobs in history.

- Opening Match: Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart vs. The Orient Express: Owen and Kato start, and they play around with the reversal sequences for a while, in some neat spots. Jim tags in to throw Kato around a bit, so he tags Tanaka to try his luck. He has none, however, as Jim hits the slingshot slam, and Owen hits a 2nd rope elbow for two. Backbreaker gets two, as Owen takes over for the face team. Big backdrop and the enzuiguri kill poor Tanaka, and Jim tags in to hit the blind charge. One of the few times I’ve actually seen that spot work. The Orients realize cheating is the only way, so Kato runs in to try to help, but gets his ass beat, too. Owen runs in to help his brother-in-law, and when the dust settles, it’s Owen vs. Kato. Owen snap suplex gets two, so Tanaka nails him from behind, and lets Mr. Fuji get his cane shot in. That allows the heels to takeover, and pound Owen Morton. Kato with a superkick for two, and a jumping back elbow for two. Tanaka with a HARD cross corner whip for two, as it’s obvious that we’re now in the “face gets beat-up” section of the bout. Owen with a crucifix for two, but he can’t keep control, as the Orients go right back on the assault. G-D, how many superkicks are these fuckers gonna hit, anyway? False tag to Neidhart (a spot we too seldom see today) allows the Orients to use Fuji’s cane again, scoring a near-fall, and continuing the beating. Big criss cross allows Owen to hit an awesome belly-to-belly for two, but Kato saves. Again, Owen can’t gain control. Assisted Nash-rope-choke spot gets two, so Owen dropkicks both guys. Tag to Neidhart, and the slingshot shoulderblock brings him in. He’s a house of fire on both, and the Rocket Launcher finishes at 17:18, to a BIG pop. Good, solid formula match. ***.

- We get a look at Bret Hart jobbing the Intercontinental title to The Mountie at a house show two days prior. The story was that Bret had a “104 degree fever,” and couldn’t win. Anyway, post match, Mountie beats him up, so Piper makes the save.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Mountie vs. Roddy Piper: Pre-match, Piper tells Mountie that he’s been “dreaming about victory, and I bet it’s all wet, too.” And this is 1992! Gorilla and Bobby keep talking about how Piper has the chance to win two titles here tonight, and how no one has ever had that opportunity before. Um, it was called WrestleMania VI. Piper beats the shit out of him to start, so Mountie tries a criss cross to takeover, but Piper just drops a fist on him. Bulldog gets two, and Piper wins a slugfest, only to miss a dropkick. That gives the champion two, and a jumping back elbow gets two. Piper with a sunset flip for two, and a backdrop follows. Atomic drop hits, and the sleeper finishes this one at 5:21. Match was like ¾*, but is Piper’s only title win in the WWF, and is worth seeing just for that. It’s hard imagining that it took Piper EIGHT YEARS to win a title in the WWF, despite being one of the most crucial players in the companies history. And people complain about the “glass ceiling” today! (If Piper had debuted in 2000, he’d have been a multi-time world champion, for sure)

- The Bushwhackers vs. The Beverly Brothers: I remember this one being a REAL dog in my original review, and the only reason I plan to sit through this again is to get to the main event. Mammoth stalling to start, as the ‘Whackers decide now is an opportune time to walk around and wave to the crowd. What I don’t get is why they even BOTHERED with these guys. They never drew a DIME, they sucked in the ring, and they bored you enough at times you would change the channel during a PAY-PER-VIEW! I really don’t get the logic behind all their big event shots. (Simply put, they were pretty over, so that’s why. Still hated them since I was nine years old, but they sold merchandise, so it wasn’t completely ridiculous to put them on TV) We wait a legitimate three minutes for the first point of contact (a shove), and then some stomping. Oh, well that was definitely worth the wait. Ass biting turns the tide (no, really), and the Bushwhackers clean house, allowing more stalling to go on. To give you a hint of what I’m putting up with, Butch spends almost two minutes asking the crowd whether or not he should shake Blake’s hand. And, no, I’m not kidding. The verdict: never reached, as Blake jumps him from behind. More stalling. Finally, after eight minutes total wasted, the match gets going, and the Beverly’s make Luke their bitch. Well, “get going” is really a relative term in this match, since they aren’t actually doing anything remotely interesting, but it’s much better than the FIRST eight minutes. Since his team is in control, the Genius decides to take the opportunity to slap Jameson (the Bushwhackers’ Urkel inspired second), who cries over it. This is cruel and unusual punishment, I swear. “Hot Tag” to Butch, who goes to work, but gets nailed with a double ax, and pinned at 14:58. Well, that ending was out of no where. The match was, of course, atrocious, and a total waste of fifteen minutes of PPV time. If this is their idea of comedy, someone get them a Charlie Chaplin tape, and fast. -***. (I like how my rating went from negative four in the original review to negative three here to negate two in the BUExperience. Maybe in another ten years this will actually make it into positive stars) Afterwards, Jameson gets a measure of revenge on the Genius, kicking him in the shin.

- Well, that match officially nullified the opener, which leaves our total at about ¾* right now.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Legion of Doom vs. The Natural Disasters: Damn, how many tag team matches am I going to have to sit through tonight? Hawk and Typhoon get the honors, and they play the false lock-ups and shoulderblocks game, to prove that they’re both big and strong. Earthquake tags in to try his luck at the same game, so Hawk hits a gorgeous standing dropkick. It doesn’t work, however, and Earthquake tries the same, but Hawk sidesteps him. Tag to Animal, and the testosterone contest continues, developing into a slugfest. Double clothesline settles that dispute, so Animal tries a slam, but gets toppled by his challenger. Typhoon hits an avalanche, but a second misses, since (as Gorilla would say) he “went to the well once too often.” Actually, not as he would say, but as he said, since he works it in right after a type it. Anyway, Hawk becomes the Disasters’ bitch, since this is still 1992, and G-D forbid we stray from the formula. (Hey, it’s a formula because it works!) Then again, it’s the formula because it WORKS. (Told ya) ‘Quake misses an avalanche of his own, and a flying forearm drops the big man. Hot tag to Animal, and a jumping shoulderblock drops ‘Quake again. In comes Typhoon, however, and they try a double team, but eat clothesline. It spills to the outside, where the Disasters kill them, and win by count-out at 9:23. Yeah, but only Typhoon made it back in, despite that Earthquake was the legal man, so it really should be a double count-out, but that’s a moot point anyhow. Nothing match, and a bad ending to top it. ½*. Thinking back, the ending was pretty obvious from the start, since Gorilla and Bobby had a whole conversation about only winning titles by pin or submission during the entrances.

- It’s time for PRE-ROYAL RUMBLE SOUNDBYTES! You know the drill: RODDY PIPER, SHAWN MICHAELS, RIC FLAIR, RANDY SAVAGE, SID, DAVEY BOY SMITH, JAKE ROBERTS, THE UNDERTAKER, and HULK HOGAN!

- Main Event: WWF Title Royal Rumble Match: Two-minute intervals here, which is the best. This one came about after the Survivor Series/Tuesday in Texas fiasco, where Hogan and the Undertaker traded the title, with aid of Ric Flair, and led to it being vacated. Anyway, Davey Boy draws #1, and Ted DiBiase gets #2. Slugfest to start, easily won by Davey, but he runs into DiBiase’s elbow. Snap Suplex, and then a gutwrench hit, followed by a regular suplex. Ted tries to dump him, but fails, so Davey comes from behind to clothesline him out. Ric Flair comes in at #3 (about 10 seconds too early to boot), as Gorilla rubs it in. Smith overpowers him, of course, and press slams him. Heenan is just having a heart attack. Criss cross goes Davey’s way with a clothesline, and Jerry Sags joins us at #4. He helps Flair out, and they double-team the Bulldog. That doesn’t really work for them, however, as Davey dropkicks Sags out, driving the crowd wild. Davey is pretty massively over here in Albany. Powerslam, and Haku runs down at #5. He guns right for Smith, of course, but then changes his mind and beats on Flair, too. The crowd is just SO into seeing Flair get beat up at this point. Goodbye Haku, via Davey, as Shawn Michaels draws #6. He slugs it out with Ric (winning, too), and hits a backdrop. Superkick, but there’s Davey to hits the press slam. Series of clotheslines nearly dump HBK, but he superkicks him for his efforts. Seeing an opportunity, Flair pounces Michaels, and they fight again. #7 is Tito Santana, and he gets his shots in on Flair, following the old tradition. Shawn saves him, ironically, and sets up his WrestleMania VIII match at the same time. Welcome the Barbarian in at #8, and he goes for Davey. Everyone kind of switches on and off against each other, with Flair popping in sporadically to nail this guy or that. Texas Tornado is #9, and you can guess who he guns for. Hint: Ric F. No, that’s too obvious. R. Flair. Tornado wins THAT particular contest, so Tito attacks the injured Flair. #10 is Repo Man, as we are 1/3 of the way in. Meanwhile, Tito hits Barbarian with a bodypress, and tries for the pin. Uh, Tito, I don’t know how this match works down in Mexico, but up here you have to throw the other guys over the ropes, not pin them. #11 is Greg Valentine, as I wonder if the countdown we hear is piped in, or real. It sounds the same way every year. Anyway, Greg goes for Flair, obviously, and we have a chop contest. All you need is Ricky Steamboat in there, and EVERYONE’S chest would be bright red. Nikolai Volkoff gets #12, but the crowd seems to have forgotten that he turned face, because they don’t give a shit. Oh, wait, that’s just ‘cause it’s NIKOLAI VOLKOFF! Hammer and Flair are STILL chopping each other, and Greg manages to slap the figure four on Flair. I always wondered why these guys never got twenty minutes against each other on Superstars or something. Volkoff goes back to Moscow, courtesy of Repo, and in comes the Big Bossman at lucky #13. Bye-bye Valentine. You know, I hope Koko B. Ware will be in this match so I can work in the “bye-bye Birdie” reference. Repo’s gone via Smith, and Flair dumps Bulldog (after over 23:00) to earn the top spot for this match. Shawn and Tito both bow out, and Hercules comes in for #14. Flair and Barbie decide to team up, but Flair quickly tuns on him, and gets press slammed. Meanwhile, Hercules looks old and bald. (I guess that’s why they put him under a mask in WCW) He also eliminates Barbarian, but then walks right into Bossman’s clothesline to get dumped, too. Down to Bossman and Flair, and Bossman tears him a new one, only to miss a bodypress, and tumble out. Flair’s alone, but only for a moment, as Roddy Piper gets #15. The crowd just goes ape-shit, and Piper goes insane on Ric beating him from pillar to post. Atomic drop ceases to phase Roddy, and he gets the airplane spin. Sleeper, which is dumb, since dead weight is much harder to carry later on. Jake Roberts draws #16, and just sits in the corner as Piper works the sleeper. He makes the mistake of turning his back (which is way out of character for Piper), and gets nailed. Flair tries to make nice with Jake (getting a “trust me” in response), but he gets decked. DDT, but Piper saves, allowing Ric to hook the figure four on the snake. A three-way brawl quickly develops, and Jim Duggan comes in at #17 to boost the workrate. Flair and Piper have a chopfest, as I try to remember about that cage match they had sometime in 1992, and want on tape. Anyone know about this one? #18 is IRS, who plays the old “Flair” card. The crowd is just BEGGING for Randy Savage at this point, and hoping Jake doesn’t get dumped before he gets in there. Jimmy Snuka gets #19, and goes for Jim Duggan. Oh wait, no he doesn’t. That’s Ric Flair. Got a little confused there. #20 is The Undertaker, and we are now 2/3 of the way through. Goodbye Snuka, and he chokes the shit out of Ric Flair (probably in response for Tuesday in Texas), but Hacksaw stops the effort. #21 is Randy Savage, and the crowd nearly loses it. He goes right for Roberts, but he’s no where to be found, as he bailed (under the bottom rope) before Macho got in. UT beats him up, and THEN Jake slithers back in to work him over. Macho’s WAY too pissed, however, and dumps him seconds later. He eliminates himself, to continue killing Jake, but the Undertaker keeps stopping him. Apparently, however, Savage is still in the match, a rule which seems to change every year, since Andre eliminated himself in ’89, and that counted. (At least he didn’t try to pin anyone this year, though) He gets beat up by Flair in there, as everyone wishes Savage/Roberts got a better conclusion. Honestly, WrestleMania should have been Flair vs. Hogan and Savage vs. Roberts, and I STILL don’t know why they didn’t pull the trigger there. That would have done the biggest buyrate ever. The Berzerker draws #22, and does shit. ‘Taker, Flair and Piper participate in a three-way choke out, as Virgil joins us at #23, about 22 numbers too late for Teddy. He goes after IRS instead, which is as good, I guess. #24 is the Iron Sheik, still doing the Iraqi sympathizer gimmick over a year too late (or 11 years too early, if you will), and Duggan beats him up as a result. #25 is Rick Martel, who is the current record holder for longevity. Naturally, he tries to get rid of Flair to save the record, but Ric is just too slick. Hulk Hogan gets #26 (along with a big ovation), and he takes both Flair and ‘Taker down. Meanwhile, Virgil dumps Martel, in record time for him. Hogan clotheslines ‘Taker out, and then backdrops Berzerker out, but Martel is back in. I guess he was Hogan fodder, and got dumped too early. Virgil’s gone, and Skinner enters at #27. Hogan almost dumps Flair, but IRS makes the save. Sgt. Slaughter gets #28, and Martel dumps Skinner. Slaughter goes right to work on Flair (as Piper and Hogan trade blows) right as Flair breaks the longevity record, at 55:00. Meanwhile, Heenan makes deals with G-D to let Flair win the title tonight. Heenan and Monsoon are just an INSANE team in this match, doing as awesome job in every respect. #29 is Sid (still a face at this point), who doesn’t even clean house. Dude, if you’re going to be that big, at least clean house in these situations! Warlord is #30 (as Heenan gloats that he guessed who it would be).

- Sid dumps Slaughter (via the cross corner bump, or course), and Piper dumps IRS via his tie. Warlord is done via the Hogan/Sid tandem, as Piper hover around 35:00. That doesn’t last, however, as Sid dumps him and Martel in one swoop. Down to Sid, Savage, Flair and Hogan. Great field, of the four main eventers for WrestleMania. Randy goes first, via Flair/Sid, and Hogan guns for Ric. Sid comes from behind, however, and cleanly dumps Hogan out. That pisses Hulk off, so he grabs onto Sid’s arm to pull HIM out, allowing Ric to sneak up from behind, and win his first WWF title at 1:01:58, or 61:58, if that is more optically appealing to you. Afterwards, Hogan and Sid get in each other’s faces, drawing about 10 officials out to break it up, and the crowd actually backs Sid. Honestly, Hogan WAS wrong here, since he was cleanly eliminated, then ended up costing Sid HIS chance at the title. The match was great, and easily the best Royal Rumble ever, followed by 1990. *****.

- Backstage, Flair is awarded with the WWF Title, which he claims is the “only title that matters.”

- Bottom Line: Before the main event this show is pretty much nothing (save for the Piper moment), but what really matters outside the Rumble match itself. Over and hour of the best one ever, and Flair’s crowning moment in the WWF. That alone makes this show a recommendation, but it isn’t one of the best shows ever or anything. Still,

- Recommended.