HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XI

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF WrestleMania XI. This is the “special” “Encore Plus” version of the PPV (the one the WWF sells on home video, and which was the encore PPV for this show) which has Roddy popping in now and then for stupid “insight.” Talk about making a painful experience worse… (This was originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent, **** - Great, *** - Good, **- Okay, * - Decent, DUD - Awful.

- Live from Hartford, Connecticut.

- Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.

- Video package highlighting all the past celebs for WrestleMania. Then, one highlighting this years celebs. No wonder 1995 was so bad for them. They’re advertising their biggest show of the year on CELEBS, and not the WRESTLERS.

- Vince starts by thanking all the “loyal WWF fans for sticking with us, and ordering WrestleMania XI.” Damn. Talk about getting desperate.

- Opening Match: Lex Luger and Davey Boy Smith vs. The Blu Brothers: The Blu’s would end up being “Creative Control” and the “Harris Twins” in WCW. You can send the sympathy cards now. I guess Vince figured “Hey, 50 years after D-Day, might as well make a team with the British guy, and the American guy!” How much money did the WWF lose in 1995 again? (Hey, it wasn’t the worst idea, and neither guy was doing much else anyway) Brawl to start, won by the faces, who hit stereo powerslams, and clothesline the Blu’s out. Davey starts officially with one of the Blus. Does it really matter which one? He hits a hanging vertical suplex, but shows off, so it gets two. The Blu’s tag, but Davey uses EXTRA STEROID POWER to knock them both down. Criss cross leads to cheep shot by the Harris’, and they hammer Davey Boy Morton. Davey gets a small package, but the ref. is tied up with Luger, so there was no count. Backbreaker gets two on Davey, and they hit a double big boot. This is so exciting. Davey comes back with some punches, but takes an elbow for two. Another misses, and Luger gets the hot tag. He kills the Blu’s, and powerslams everything in sight. Clothesline gets him two, and the ref. gets caught up with Davey, allowing the Blu’s to switch out. The illegal Blu tries a powerbomb, but Davey jumps in with a sunset flip to get the win at 6:35. Illegal man pins the illegal man? Whatever, as long as it’s over. Not a good match. At all. DUD. Afterwards the Allies pose.

- What a way to kick off WrestleMania! Anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation! Oh. Sorry. Slipped into that Vinny Mac propaganda-mode again.

- Vince and Jerry see a “King Kong Dumbo” sign at ringside, and Jerry says that security should snatch it from that guy. Vince replies that the WWF doesn’t do that sort of thing. Yeah. Uh Huh. How many times have I seen THAT happen at WWF TV tapings? Have you ever been able to witness this? It’s vicious. The security bum runs up, and nearly kills the 150 pound kid with the sign to get it away from him. If you’re ever at a TV taping, watch for it, it’s pretty odd.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon: Oh man, these two seem to have feuded FOREVER in 1995. Where’s Double J’s music? He just comes out without any, like mid-80’s wrestling. Well, that makes sense. I mean 1995 WWF and 1985 WWF aren’t THAT MUCH different. (Uh…) Razor gets music, however. Razor wants to charge the ring, but there’s about 1,000 press people around the ring, so he runs, but has to spend two minutes plowing through them. Man, what were they all doing there? LT isn’t for like another two hours! Did they think this is boxing, and there’s only one fight? Either way. Razor finally DOES makes it to the ring, and kicks the champs ass, then does his posing. Good for him. At least he learned from the Rumble, and brought the 123 Kid to watch his back tonight. However, the Kid is wearing THE weirdest outfit I’ve ever seen here. (Cocaine’s a hell of a drug…) Early criss cross leads to a Razor punch for two, and another leads to another punch for two. Yeah, you’re gonna put away the IC champ with a punch 10 seconds into the match. What a dumb ass. Jarrett, the unselfish soul, sells it by bailing out for 5 minutes. He tries a sunset flip, but Razor punches him again for two. Do you realize Hall has done nothing but punch during this match? Another punch leads to a roll up for two, and he tries the Edge. He gets him up, but the Roadie pulls Jeff out. Jarrett tries to walk out, but the Kid stops him. Back in, Ramon rolls him up for two, but gets rammed into the corner. Jeff misses the Nash rope choke spot, and Roadie takes a shot too, before Hall tosses Jeff to the floor. Wow, isn’t the champ getting a good deal of offense in this one? Jeff comes in with a series of dropkicks, and HITS the Nash rope choke spot. Jeff struts a little, while Vince questions weather he’s wasting time, or using brilliant strategy. Yeah. The mark of all the great tactical wrestlers. Strutting. He misses an enzuiguri, but keeps control with a chinlock. Criss cross leads to a Ramon backslide for two, but Jeff hits a diving clothesline for two. Slugfest won by Razor, and a criss cross leads to a Jarrett sleeper. Jeff lets off, and drops Razor on his head with a neck snap. Goodnight Nurse, but it only gets two. Speaking of “Nurse,” can you believe all the acclaim the movie “Nurse Betty” is getting? That thing sucked SO much. Who the hell likes that? It wasn’t even funny! I thought “Almost Famous” was the Best Picture of 2000. (Agreed with my younger self here. I’ve never gotten Nurse Betty, and Almost Famous remains one of my favorite movies. The extended BluRay that came out a couple of years back is pretty awesome too, and worth picking up for fans. And speaking of the Oscars, Wolf of Wallstreet is the movie to beat for me this year. I know it won’t win, but damned if that’s not one of the best new films I’ve seen in at least three years, or so. Scorsese remains the most exciting and visionary film maker alive) Getting back to the match (Feel free to segue, this match kinda sucked), Jeff goes to another chinlock. Razor comes out of it with a side suplex, but can’t capitalize. They both go down off a shoulderblock, and rest on the mat for a ten count. Not exactly the high drama of the Hogan/Warrior double knockout, but whatever. Razor pounds away with punches, and hits fallaway slam for two. Razor misses a 2nd rope bulldog, and Jeff works the knee with a knee buster. He gets the figure four, but Razor reverses in another “high drama” moment. Razor hits the 2nd rope side suplex spot, and, as usual, that sets up the Edge. He gets him up, but the Roadie comes in to clip the knee, causing a DQ at 12:31. Afterwards, the Kid kicks everyone’s ass, but gets killed by the heels in return. Man, a crappy match AND a bad ending. G-D bless the clique. They couldn’t even put over the IC champ cleanly ONCE? I mean, at the Rumble he needed help to win, and now he loses by DQ. What a weak champion! *. (Not sure what happened here, because the Rumble match was pretty good, but yeah, this was disjointed junk)

- Backstage Jenny McCarthy is uninterested in everyone, except Shawn Michaels. Did she know he was supposed to be a heel? I mean, damn.

- Merchandise shill. Why did they use such BUTT UGLY models at this point? I mean, shit. Who are these doggy women? Did they just find them outside when they were papering the crowd? (sigh.)

- King Kong Bundy vs. The Undertaker: This came about when Bundy (and the other Million Dollar Corporation members) stole the ‘Taker’s urn. And just like all the other angles just like it, it drew MILLIONS of dollars. That, my friends, was sarcasm. Big pop for the ‘Taker, however. Some baseball umpire is reffing this, for whatever reason. UT takes control early, and does his ropewalk spot. OLD SCHOOL, BABY! It doesn’t knock the tub over, however, but three clotheslines do. Bundy knocks ‘Taker out, so he steals the urn back from DiBiase, and returns it to Paul Bearer. How enthralling. He spends two minutes kneeling to the urn, but Bundy doesn’t capitalize, he just stands in the ring looking fat. Ted calls Kama (the Goodfather) out, and he re-steals the urn, so we can continue this awesome angle for another six months. Bundy takes control, with some tight shit offense. Benoit should learn from this fat tub! I mean, using your BOOT to CHOKE a guy! (Ugh. Sorry) How innovative, and not 1986-ish. Chinlock to keep the action hot, but for some reason the crowd dies! Dumb ass Hartford fans! Not popping for a 6-minute chinlock? Who do they think they are, anyway? Bundy finally lets off, and hits an avalanche, but ‘Taker no sells and slams him. He ruins the cool, slow flow by hitting a flying clothesline (a brisk 10 seconds later) to win at 6:39. Dear G-D that sucked. -***. (I was way too cavalier with negative stars back then, because this was no worse than a ‘DUD’)

- Three matches in, and nothing over a *. What a PPV!

- LT’s all pro-team give a stupid interview. The gist? “We’re here … uh, nothing else. We just figured we’d let you know.”

- Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays chess with Bob Backlund, and when Bob loses he snaps, and starts ranting about America’s youth. He then asks some “hard” trivia questions to the kid, but he knows all the answers! Actually pretty funny, and a better moment than anything ELSE going on at this show.

- Add for the first In Your House. The whole idea is that they’d give away a house. Instead of giving away houses in Orlando, shouldn’t they have been spending that money on improving their crappy company?

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Smoking Gunns vs. Owen Hart and Yokozuna: Finally, another match! Then again, with this show, that may not be a good thing. Yoko was Owen’s “big” (get it?) mystery partner for this one. Before hand, the Gunns give an interview, and for two guys wearing the tag team titles, they can’t interview worth a dime. Big stallfest to start, and Owen and Billy finally start. Criss cross leads to a Gunn punch, and he tags Bart in. They work Owen’s arm, but Hart escapes, and tags the big man. Yoko slams him, but misses an elbow. Bart tries to take over, but no luck, as Yoko tags Owen. He works the arm, and a criss cross leads to a Bart hip toss, and an arm drag. Billy tagged in, and they hit a double Russian leg sweep, and then a double dropkick on Yoko! Both heels bail, so Billy slingshots Owen back in. Bart hooks Owen up in side suplex position, and Billy runs in with a diamond cutter for two. Impressive spot. Bart gets in, and they hit a sidewinder (only with Billy doing a vertical jump, not coming off the top) for two. Another impressive spot! Yoko tags in to drop a leg, and Billy bails out. Owen kills him out there, and rolls him back in to the big man. Yoko ruins the pace with his usual offense, including the nerve hold. Great. Why not just TAG OWEN who’s about three inches from you? Huh? I hate Yokozuna. He finally does, but Owen misses a missile dropkick, and hits Yoko. Billy makes the semi-hot tag, and Bart press slams Owen. He snaps Yoko to the mat, and tags Billy, who quickly gets belly-to-bellied by the fat man. Ass splash looks to finish, but Bart stops the count, so Yoko backdrops him out. Owen runs in, and simply covers Billy to win the titles at 9:41. Big pop for that from the fans. Huh? This isn’t even Philadelphia. Why are the heels getting such a big pop? Match was pretty okay, actually. ** ¼. Match of the Night, so far.

- Bam Bam gives an interview. Who’s idea was it to put BAM BAM FREAKIN’ BIGELOW in the MAIN EVENT of WrestleMania? Not the mid-card. Not the 2nd to last match. The G-D damned main event! Once again, how much did the WWF lose in 1995?

- I Quit Match, with referee Roddy Piper: Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund: What’s with Piper and special refereeing? Here, WrestleMania X … is he bored or something? I always liked Backlund’s gimmick, just to be clear. Big pop for Bret. Yet, did he get the WWF title? Hell no. The un-over Diesel gets it. All bow to the greatness of the clique! Bret goes right at him, and kills the former champ with punches in the corner. He goes for the Sharpshooter early on, but Backlund easily blocks. He keeps the assault on, and keeps pounding. Choke doesn’t get an I Quit, and they seem lost out there. Vince, ever the genius, is asked by Lawler “who did Bret beat at WrestleMania VIII to win the IC title?” Vince’s response (in an angry voice): THE BRITISH BULLDOG! Lawler just sits there silently after that, and then corrects his dumb ass boss. (That’s still one of my favorite moments. Especially for the angry and annoyed tone Vince shouted ‘THE BRITISH BULLDOG!!’ in) Gee, Vince sure does have a bad memory, eh? (Not when it comes to grudges) He tries the Sharpshooter again, but Bob escapes again. Figure four gets hooked in, but Bob won’t submit. Bob reverses, but Bret refuses a submission. He makes the ropes, and then keeps working the old man’s knee. Not Piper’s, Bob’s. Bob gets Bret off, and works the shoulder, to soften him up for the Crossface Chickenwing. He goes for it, but Bret breaks away, but takes a bump into the corner. He goes for the Chickenwing again, but Bret escapes, so Bob keeps working the arm with a wristlock on the mat. Arm bar follows. Bret powers out with a slam, and hits a backbreaker. 2nd rope elbow follows, and he goes for the Sharpshooter. He almost makes it, but Bob rolls into the ropes. Bret misses a corner charge, and hits the post, re-injuring his shoulder. Bob gets the chickenwing in, and the crowd is in shock. Bret reverses, to keep everyone happy, and Bob finally gives in at 9:33, although the “yes” was very muttered. Considering the Survivor Series match got around 40-minutes, this was pretty rushed for these two, and it shows. They didn’t get everything they probably wanted to in there, and it generally felt subpar to their previous PPV match, and their match on Superstars. *. (Yet another match on this show that comes off as a disappointing rematch from a previous pay per view)

- WWF Title Match: Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels: Jonathan Taylor Thomas is the timekeeper, and Nick Turturro is the ring announcer. Shawn is supposed to have Pam Anderson with him, but she “ran away” so he comes out with Jenny McCarthy instead. (I think he actually got the better end of that, but the penises in control of these things back in 1995 obviously disagree) “Shockingly,” Diesel comes out with her. Wow, what a huge shocker THAT was! Big, big pop for the heel Shawn Michaels. Diesel gets half that pop, just to prove what a great champion he was. Shawn attacks Diesel right off the bat, so Diesel simply backdrops him to the floor, so he can do his pre-match pose. Shawn takes it to the big man to start, but a long criss cross leads to a Diesel clothesline. Shawn retaliates by working on the arm, but Nash tosses him around to stop that. Big, Rick Rude-like bodydrop follows, and Shawn takes a Flair-flip to the floor. Unfortunately, he lands on one of those press guys, so he tosses him down the isle as a result. Good for him. Back in, Shawn avoids a shot, and outsmarts Diesel, to allow himself some punches. Suplex attempt reversed, and Shawn crashes to the mat. He continues the beating, but Shawn rakes the eyes. He slides in for some punches, and tries a sunset flip, but Nash drops him on the top rope as a result. He ducks a big boot, however, and Cactus Clotheslines Nash out (to a pop). He goes up stairs, and hits a forearm onto the floor. That would be a lasting image of Shawn that is played in every highlight package, along with the splash from WM X, and the elbow drop spot later in this one. (Not so much anymore, but the elbowdrop still gets played sometimes, and the splash at WrestleMania X always) Baseball slide hits, and the girls seem non-to-interested. Diesel misses an elbow, hitting the post thanks to a press member. Shawn hits a splash off the apron onto him, and a massive “Sid” chant breaks out. Diesel finally slides in, where Shawn works on the ribs and the knee. He hits a 2nd rope bulldog for two, and a flying back elbow gets another two. He works the back next, proving he doesn’t know what the hell to do. He then hits the next highlight reel spot, nailing a big elbow off the top into Nash’s back. Damn cool spot. They toggle around for a bit, and Shawn hooks a sleeper in. The big guy fades, but hulks-up after two drops. Suddenly the fans come alive with Diesel support, and he rams Shawn into the corner. He kills Shawn with some corner clotheslines, and hits the snake eyes. Nash rope choke spot connects, and Shawn Flair-flips out off a cross corner whip. Nash punches the lights out of the challenger, and Shawn bails. Diesel follows, and we have a slugfest on the floor! Diesel wins that, but Sid bumps the ref. in the process. Back in, Shawn hits a fluke superkick, and has a 20-count, but the ref. is hurt. Sid rolls Earl back in, and Shawn gets a dramatic two count. Ooh, crowd doesn’t like that! This would all lead to Shawn dumping Sid the next night on RAW, and turning him completely face. Sid removes the corner pad, but Diesel side suplexes Shawn. He’s too hurt to capitalize, however, so Shawn covers for a dramatic two. Again, the crowd is WAY into Shawn winning this. He tries another bulldog off the 2nd rope, but Diesel catches him with a sidewalk slam! Diesel slingshots Michaels into the corner, but they start to far back, and Shawn hits the 2nd buckle instead of the exposed top turnbuckle. Diesel hulks-up, and hits the big boot. He calls for the Jackknife, and hits a VERY screwed up version of it for the pin at 20:08. This won MOTY for 1995, and while it is a good match, it was no where NEAR MOTY for 1995. (I still don’t get that. I can think of five better matches from the WWF alone right off the top of my head) Still, *** ¼. Afterwards, Diesel celebrates with all the celebs. Yeah, take the overness while you can, big guy.

- Piper hypes Diesel/Sid for the inaugural In Your House. Do we really need this in the middle of the PPV? Anyway, we see Sid attack Shawn the night after WrestleMania. Man, they used to wrestle in TINY buildings, didn’t they? I mean, ECW played in bigger buildings then they were in at this point. Oh well.

- Main Event: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Lawrence Taylor: To understand how this all started, check out my Royal Rumble 1995 rant. Anyway, we have a football player, and a mid carder in the main event of the biggest show of the year. Salt-N-Peppa (when they were a big deal) play L.T. out. Where’s Mabel and Oscar when you need them? Vince introduces the individual members of the Million-Dollar Team (even Nikolai Volkoff) out, then does the same for L.T.’s “all pro team.” Taylor seems none-to-happy to be there, however. Taylor jumps him, and tosses him around the ring to start. Clothesline puts Bigelow on the floor, and the Corporation comforts him. Bam Bam tries to attack from behind, but misses, and takes a bulldog for two. He kills Bigelow with forearms, and a hip toss makes Bigelow bail again. They brawl on the floor, but the respective teams get involved and they fight. How enthralling. Back in, Bam Bam works the ribs, as Vince speculates the L.T. has never experienced anything like this. Yeah, because we all know the ribs never get sore in football. He misses a falling headbutt, however, and L.T. forearms him down. Bam Bam overpowers him, however, and chokes him on the ropes. He hooks a Boston Crap (spelled as such because Bam Bam sucks at it), and then falls into a half-assed half-crab. He then half-asses that, and falls into an ankle lock. L.T. makes the ropes (albeit, he wasn’t in a great deal of pain), so Bam Bam gets an STF on, without the “F.” Again, football boy makes the ropes. Lawrence side suplexes the big guy, but takes a series of falling headbutts from the Beast from the East. Bam Bam moonsaults him (but hurts his knee in the process), and can barely cover. When he does, it gets two, and the crowd is TOTALLY gone. I mean, finishing move hits, celeb kicks out, fans sit on hands. L.T. hits a screwed up powerbomb (That’s two tonight. Nash and L.T.) for two, but takes an enzuiguri. He hits some more headbutts, and heads to the top. Flying headbutt hits, and L.T. kicks out, but the fans are STILL dead. What’s up with that? Taylor starts no-selling (oh, so the Undertaker trained him), and hits 100 forearms to knock Bam Bam down. He goes to the 2nd rope (barely), and hits a forearm from there to win at 11:40. Really good showing for a celeb, but not that great in general. **, and no pop. Damn, are the fans not NY Giant’s fans or something? Afterwards DiBiase chews Bigelow out, yelling “I’ve never been this embarrassed in all my life!” Was he referring to Bam Bam loosing, or having to be a part of this WrestleMania?

- Bottom Line: Ugh. The title match is good, but the rest is pretty sucky. I mean, nothing really over ** other than the title bout, and the only other match over ** was the tag title match. Not a good sign. Especially for a WrestleMania. And to top it all off, BAM BAM FREAKIN’ BIGELOW and a FOOTBALL PLAYER get to headline? How do YOU think I liked it?

- Mild Recommendation to Avoid.