- The HITMAN383 Re-Rant for WWF WrestleMania IX. Yes, there
IS a rant for this show already up, but I did it a long time ago, and gave the
show a good review. Since then, I’ve heard a ton of complaints that I’m nuts to
call WrestleMania IX a good show, and then some praising me for finally
appreciating the show. So I decided to go back, watch it again, and see once
and for all who was right. (This
was originally written in 2001)
- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent, **** - Great,
*** - Good, **- Okay, * - Decent, DUD - Awful.
- Live from Las
Vegas, Nevada (at the
outdoor Caesar’s Palace).
- Your Host is Gorilla Monsoon, with Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan
and Randy Savage doing commentary. This is Ross’ famous WWF debut. Also, to fit
the theme of the show, all the WWF people are wearing togas. (I
still don’t get what everyone was in such a tizzy about when Ross debuted
wearing a toga. It was the damn theme of the show. He’d have looked like an elitist
prick if he didn’t wear one)
- Just so everyone’s clear on this (like I said in the
original rant) I TOTALLY dig the Caesars
Palace deal. It’s
probably my favorite place for a wrestling show EVER, and automatically makes
me like this one more.
- Opening WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn
Michaels vs. Tatanka: The story here is that Tatanka had beat Shawn twice,
once non-title, and once in a six-man tag, but tonight it’s for the gold. Shawn
has Luna with him, while Tatanka comes out with Shawn’s ex, Sherri. You know,
last I heard, a Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Kamala match was canceled for time reasons,
and I can see why. Shawn takes like 15 minutes to get out of his pre-match
outfit, plus the long opening ceremonies. Maybe it was good that that one was
canceled, however. They have a long feeling out process here, with lots it
wristlocks and headlocks. Tatanka catches him with a delayed side suplex, but
misses a corner charge, so Shawn dives off the top, but Tatanka arm drags him
in mid air! Some chops get Michaels down on the floor, and he can’t get back in
because Tatanka keeps knocking him off. Shawn rakes the eyes to stop that, and
heads to the top with a sloppy sunset flip for two. Tatanka hits an atomic
drop, and then catches him with a DDT to take control. Tatanka then goes for
the shoulder, and works on it for a long while. Mostly he uses arm bars, but
sometimes he’ll work in a high spot like a shoulder breaker. Tatanka comes off
the top with a series of chops, but Shawn catches him with a superkick on the
third one. Don’t get excited though, he was using a side suplex as his finisher
back then. He tosses Tatanka, over the top, to the floor, and then kicks his
ass out there. I’m surprised Ross hasn’t called for a DQ for the over the top
thing. I mean, he IS coming from Watt’s land. Back in, and Shawn hits a
spinning neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick (beauty too) for two, and he
goes to the chinlock. He tries a flying head scissors (again, very sloppy), but
it backfires into just a fall. Sloppy Boys, Sloppy. Shawn then pisses me off by
re-trying the spot (oh, it was supposed to be a Victory Roll), but Tatanka
drops him and gets two. Shawn comes back quickly, and goes to work on Tatanka,
but Tatanka dances around like the Ultimate Warrior (JIGGING UP!!!) and chops
Michaels around to big pops. Cross body off the top for two, and he slingshots
Michaels to the post for two. He goes for his fallaway slam, but Shawn slips
out and rolls him up for two. He goes up, and dives, but gets caught in a
powerslam for two! Tatanka charges HBK, but Shawn moves, and Tatanka topples to
the floor. Shawn follows out to clobber Tatanka, but misses a dive and hits the
steps. Shawn heads back in, and takes down the ref. purposely, but Tatanka hits
the Fallaway Slam! He covers, but the ref. calls for the bell, and awards the
match to Tatanka by Countout in 18:12. Okay, what the hell was that? I mean, it
can’t be a countout because Tatanka rolled in right before Shawn, which breaks
the count, and it starts back at “one.” I think Shawn’s intentional knocking
down of the ref. could have worked for a DQ ending, but countout makes NO
sense. Dumb ass ref. Anyway, the match was okay (with decent psychology),
despite the bad ending, and Shawn’s dogging it. ** ¼. Afterwards, Luna kicks Sherri’s
ass.
- Gene interviews the Steiners, who are ready for the Head
Shrinkers, and are gonna make Caesar proud. Awwww.
- The Steiner Brothers vs. The Head Shrinkers: Scott
(pre Poppa-Pump) starts with Fatu (Rikishi), and arm drags the big guy down.
Scott wrestles him around to start off, but a slugfest develops, which Scott
wins, and takes him down with a 360 clothesline. The heels double team Scott,
and toss him to the floor. Both Steiners climb to the same top rope (very
impressive, I think), and dive off taking both Shrinkers down with
clotheslines. Now Rick has a go with Samu, and Samu takes it to Rick, but
Steiner hits a clothesline, and tags. Scott hits a tiger-driver, and dropkicks
Fatu off the apron. Samu then goes for a stun-gun, but it majorly screws up,
and Scott takes a VICIOUS fall to the floor, over the top. Ouch. Back in, and
the Shrinkers work over Scotty. Fatu hits a 2nd rope headbutt for two, saved by
Rick, but the Shrinkers keep Scott in the Ricky Morton position. Scott takes a fall
to the floor (near Rick), but when he crawls back in, he crawls far from his
brother. I never understood that. Why not roll in BY YOUR PARTNER so you can
tag? It’s something I’ve seen a thousand times, in a thousand matches, and it
still pisses me off. The heels hit a Demolition Decapitator for two, and go to
the nerve hold. Samu with a slam, but he misses a huge top rope headbutt, which
Savage predicts is 10,000 feet up. Both guys tag, and Rick is a house of fire,
slamming everything that moves. Rick (stupidly) rams their heads together,
which doesn’t work, and they hit a double forward Russian leg sweep. They then
REALLY impress me, as Rick sits on Samu’s shoulder’s, and Fatu dives at him for
a cross body from the top, but Rick catches him UP THERE IN MID-AIR and
powerslams him down. Shit! Scott tags in, and belly to bellies Fatu, but Samu
catches him with a superkick. Irish whip reversed by Scott, and he hits the
rana on Samu for the win at 14:21. Decent, but long. * ¾.
- We get a review of the SUPER-dumb Doink/Crush feud, where
Doink “ripped his arm out of the socket” and destroyed Crush. Those who have
seen it know how incredibly dumb this thing was.
- Crush vs. Doink The Clown: This was the cool EVIL
Doink, but this feud still sucks. Crush chases him around the ring to start,
and slams him out there, then tosses him around to the post and the rail. They
go inside, and Crush chokes away. Doink outsmarts the big guy on the floor, but
Crush (Kronic’s Brian Adams) no sells Doinks shots, and decks him. Inside,
Crush hits a good neckbreaker, and a backbreaker, but no covers are made. Doink
stuns Crush, and hits some ax handles off the top, and then a stiff piledriver.
This is a really boring match. Doink gets a foot to the face off a top rope
move, and then takes a powerslam. Crush clotheslines him to the floor, as we
get a look at Crush’s big ass gut. He hooks on the Compactor (head vice), but
the ref. gets bumped. Crush hits a kick to the gut, and hooks on the Compactor
again, and all of a sudden another Doink runs out and nails Crush with a cast.
Doink makes an easy cover after that, and gets three at 8:27. I know who Doink
is! One is Kurt Angle, and the other is Eric Angle! Bad match, with no crowd
heat and a bad ending. That’s a bad combination. – **. (It wasn’t a good match, but
certainly not negative stars)
- Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund: This isn’t crazy old
man Bob Backlund, but rather 70’s throwback Bob Backlund. Bob wants a handshake
to start, but gets a toothpick to the face instead, and big “Razor” chant
starts up for the heel Ramon. Razor slams him, then shows his moveset by doing
it again. Bob comes back with some hip tosses, and hits a double underhook
suplex. Delayed atomic drop sloppily hits, but Ramon gets a quick small package
for the win at 3:45. Basically a squash match. DUD.
- Gene is with Money Inc. and they review the feud with
Hogan and Beefcake. IRS lets us know that Hogan had a little “accident” the
night before, referring to the black eye Savage gave him, but selling it like
they did it. DiBiase also asks Hogan how he could say that he can you bankrupt
a company with unlimited money supply (referring to Money Inc.). Answer: Let
Kevin Nash be head booker.
- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Money Inc. vs. Hulk Hogan and
Brutus Beefcake: This came about when Money Inc. busted up Beefcake’s face
on RAW (Causing him to wear a goofy face mask), and prompting Hulk Hogan’s WWF
return to help Beefcake in a tag bout. Big pop for Hogan, BTW. The heels jump
the Mega Maniacs during their entrance, but Hogan’s music keeps playing which
means that they clear the heels out soon after. And indeed just that happens,
and the faces pose. (Can’t beat a guy down while his music is still playing. Stupid heels) Long
stall-fest to start, and eventually Beefcake has a go with IRS. Irwin quickly
wins that, and tags Ted, who hits a back elbow. Money Inc. casually double team
Beefcake, and Ted uses a double ax handle, but it backfires because of the
metal face mask. He tries to ram Brutus’ face to the corner, and THAT doesn’t
work, which allows the tag to Hogan. He hits the 10 punch count, and a
clothesline. More punching from Hogan. Hogan goes to the 2nd rope (!) and
catches DiBiase with a double ax, and a criss cross leads to a Hogan right
hand. IRS runs in and gets his too, and now both heels are on the floor. They
decide to bail, losing by countout, but keeping the belts. The ref. announces,
however, that if they don’t comeback they lose the titles. Money Inc. quickly
run back, and now it’s Hogan vs. DiBiase. Ted chokes the Hulkster, and then IRS
takes his turn to choke away. Hulk Hogan as Ricky Morton? After a long slew of
choking, DiBiase gets him in the Dream, and Hogan fades. The arm drops twice,
and Hogan powers up, but can’t escape, so Beefcake runs in and sleepers Ted! He
lets off, and now both guys are dead on the mat. Ted tags, and then Hogan makes
the hot tag too! Beefcake cleans house, taking DiBiase out, and hammering away
on IRS. Beefcake bounces off the ropes, however, and gets caught with a
briefcase shot to the back. Ted goes to work on him now, goes for the mask, and
gets it off! They go to work on the face of the face, mostly with punches.
Brutus comes back with a double clothesline, and gets the sleeper on IRS, but
DiBiase breaks it up causing a ref. bump. Beefcake makes the hot tag (despite
that there is no ref., and tags are useless), and Hogan takes both heels down, and
both guys cover. The ref. is still out, so Jimmy Hart reverses his jacket
around to ref. stripes and counts to three for the Maniacs at 18:16, to give
them the titles! However, another ref. comes out, and the two officials award
the official match to Money Inc. by DQ or something. I originally called this
at 3 stars, but it’s no where near that. ¾*. Afterwards, Beefcake wants to pose
but Hogan !GASP! doesn’t want to pose (!!)! It doesn’t take much convincing,
however, and Hulk goes into his pose-down. The Mega Maniacs end up finding
IRS’s briefcase, and inside they find a brick, tax forms, and MONEY! Hogan then
walks around the ring, buying off fans by giving out the money. Good for him.
- Gene is with Mr. Perfect, who messes up his interview
calling Lex Luger “Lark” and other mistakes. Drunk. (Was that ever confirmed?)
- Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect: Luger comes out with
some hot girls, who hold up his mirrors for him so he can do some Hogan-quality
posing. I guess he WAS a good choice for the next Hogan after all. They trade quick
wrist locks to start, and then Hennig gets him with a running knee. Criss cross
leads to a Perfect dropkick (in both senses), and Lex bails out. He gets back
in, and Hennig goes to the knee, and works on it. Curt hits some terrific chops
(getting “ooohs” from the crowd), but Luger tosses him to the corner a couple
times, with Hennig doing his normal overselling. It goes to the floor now,
where Luger keeps the hurt on the lower back. Back in, Luger hits a backbreaker
for two, and a roll up (with two feet on the ropes) for two. Luger powerslam
for two, and Hennig gets a nice sunset flip for two. He gets an inside cradle
for two, and then connects with a backdrop. Slingshot to the corner by Hennig,
and a punch for two. More punching for two. What the hell? Punches? DDT for
two, and he hits a missile dropkick for two. He goes for a backslide, but Luger
hooks the ropes and does his own backslide (with Hennig in the ropes) for the
pin at 10:54. Eh. In the first rant, I called this somewhere near 3 ½ stars, but
it’s more like * ¼. Afterwards, Luger knocks Perfect out with the “Loaded”
forearm, leaving him dead. He wakes up, and goes after Luger, finding him in
the back with Shawn Michaels. He attacks him, but Shawn helps Lex and kicks
Hennig’s ass setting up their feud. (Much like their eventual showdown, this was
a huge letdown)
- The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez: Great. Who’s
big idea was it to have the Giant wear a body-suit where he looks naked? Chokes
to start, by both, and Gonzalez gets a low blow. He lumbers around a bit, and
‘Taker hits the ropewalk forearm. UT charges, but Gonzalez hits a foot to the
face, and heads back into the chokes. The “action” spills to the floor, where
the UT takes a shot to the steps, and then another. Back in, Gonzalez does some
headbutts, and lumbers some more. A slow slugfest develops, and both guys take
out their opponents managers. ‘Taker goes back for the Giant, but he smothers
the ‘Taker with a “chemical soaked” rag, causing a DQ at 7:35. Oh G-D that was
bad. - *****. Yes, negative 5! No redeeming factors, and not even a clean
ending. (Normally I’d say that rating is overstating the case, but even today I’m
firm at negative four, and I wouldn’t argue too hard if someone made a good case
for negative five) After, the officials run out and take the ‘Taker
away on a stretcher, as a loud “Hogan” chant breaks out. Actually it sounds
like a “Bullshit” chant. Eh, same thing. Anyway, ‘Taker comes back out, and
kicks the Giants ass for the hell of it.
- Backstage, Mean Gene reviews Yokozuna’s path of
destruction leading to his title match with Bret Hart here today. He brings in
Hulk Hogan, who say’s that Bret Hart will keep the WWF title in the USA. The guy’s
from CANADA,
dumb ass.
- Todd talks with a few rednecks from California. What was the point of that? That
they’re hicks?
- Main Event, WWF Title Match: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna:
Bret is HEAVILY over at this point. The belt itself looks terrible here though,
like the plating has worn. A lot. (Well, Randy Savage had it before him… what
do you expect?) Bret charges out of the corner with a dropkick, and
pounds on the big guy, but Yoko’s just too damn big, and knocks Bret to the
floor. Hart trips the fat man up, and slingshots in on him, but Yoko again
takes him down. Slam by Yoko, and a big leg drop, drawing a “USA” chant.
Once again, Bret is from CANADA!
Is chanting “USA”
supposed to inspire him? How about “Let’s Go Bret?” Nerve hold by Yoko, and he
charges Bret, but eats boot. Bret hits a sloppy 2nd rope bulldog for two, which
Bobby calls “riding the Brahma Bull” like what the Rock calls himself. Yoko
quickly superkicks him, and goes back to the nerve hold. He misses another
charge, and again Bret hits a 2nd rope bulldog (nice one this time) for two.
That was the same sequence as before. 2nd rope elbow for two, and Bret hits a
flying clothesline. He goes for the 10 count punches, but Yoko pulls him off so
hard that he takes the turnbuckle pad with him! Hart rams him to the exposed
steel, and hooks the Sharpshooter on Yoko, but Fuji tosses salt in at Hart’s eyes, blinding
the champ, an Yoko hooks the leg for an easy pin at 8:55. Nothing special, ¾*.
Afterwards, Hulk Hogan runs out to help Bret, but Fuji and Yoko challenge him to a title match
then and there! Hulk quickly excepts, and we get…
- WWF Title Match: Yokozuna vs. Hulk Hogan: Yoko
quickly grabs Hogan for Fuji
to throw salt at, but Hogan ducks and Yoko eats Salt! Hogan takes out Fuji, and knocks Yoko down
for the leg drop to win his last WWF title at :21. DUD, obviously. Afterwards,
Hogan does his second pose-fest of the night, getting big pops all the while.
- Bottom Line: What the hell was I thinking? This was
a terrible show, wrestling wise! Like I said in the Bash 1991 rant, however,
sometimes if the wrestling of a show is really bad, but the atmosphere rocks,
and the angles rock it can save it. WrestleMania IX features a terrific
atmosphere and crowd, but has terrible wrestling and angles/booking. I mean,
WrestleMania is supposed to SETTLE all the feuds, but this one had all the
matches end with a “this isn’t over” feeling.
- Shawn/Tatanka wasn’t decisive, Doink/Crush had a screwy
ending, The Tag Titles ended in a DQ, Luger/Perfect wasn’t clean, with Hennig’s
feet on the ropes, ‘Taker/Gonzalez also ended in a DQ, and the Yoko/Hart match
had a screwy ending. Nothing was settled here.
- Still, the atmosphere of the show stops me from
wholeheartedly hating it, because it made me slightly enjoy it, but still… (That’s pretty much still where I’m at with
this show today)
- Recommendation to Avoid.
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