HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Best of the WWF Volume VI

- The HITMAN383 Rant for Best of the WWF Volume VI. This has a Star Wars type theme, and came out in about 1985. Let’s see how it holds up to the test of time! (This one was originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Your Host is Gorilla Monsoon.

- Terry Funk vs. Lanny Poffo: This is from MSG. Poffo is Randy Savage’s brother, and would later become known as “The Genius.” Funk is, as usual, playing a madman here. He even assaults the ring attendant for touching his hat. (That was an awesome piece of business) They have a couple of false tie-ups to start, but Terry takes over with elbows to the head. A criss cross has Terry bailing when Lanny tries a punch, so Poffo does a flip to show off. Terry gets confused, so he hits some VICIOUS, VICIOUS Flair/Steamboat-esqe chops. Ouch. He falls out of the ring, however, and spits on the fans. Back in, Lanny gets a standing arm stretch. Funk pulls back, and both guys fall over the top rope to the floor. Funk abuses him on the way back in, but gets atomic dropped by Poffo. That puts him on the floor, where he holds his ass in pain. What a great view for us at home. I mean, gee, I JUST ATE! (Of course, later, when Poffo played ‘The Genius,’ he was also frequently seen holding his ass in pain, but for very different reasons) Back in, Lanny grabs a front facelock, but Funk does some more crazy chops. He tries the spinning toehold, but Poffo kicks him off. Lanny with a superkick to the chest (before a superkick meant anything), and he hammers the Funker. Funk catches him with a shoulderblock off of a criss cross, however, but falls to the outside. Man, was he drunk or something. That’s like the fourth time he’s just randomly dropped out of the ring this match. Poffo tries to suplex him back in, but Funk reverses, and suplexes him to the bare floor. However, Terry drops him half way, and Poffo crashes to the concrete. He then sells it by making THE goofiest face I’ve EVER seen. I mean, that was just ODD. Funk tornado suplexes him back in for two (The first pin attempt of the match, I believe, some 9:30 minutes in). A vicious neckbreaker gets two, and Poffo hits a sunset flip for two. The dumb ass timekeeper rings the bell anyway, but the ref. calls that off, because the match isn’t over yet. Lousy timekeeper. Poffo kills him in the corner, and Funk does a Flair Flip to the apron. Snapmare back in, and a moonsault (in 1985!) gets two. They have a slugfest on the mat (won by Funk), but Poffo hits a rana (in 1985!!) for two. Funk kicks him in the ribs, however, and gets the sleeper on for the victory at 13:00. Decent match, with some cool spots (like the crazy chops, the moonsault, the rana) but overall nothing special. **.

- WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage: Another MSG match, and it could be a good one! Savage tries to out-pose Hogan to start, getting the crowd all pumped up. Hogan shoves him across the ring in response, and blows kisses at Liz, causing Savage to get PISSED. Hogan takes him down with a shoulderblock off the ropes, so Macho bails out. He plays mind games with Hogan, and when he comes back in, he rakes the eyes to get control. He drops a knee on the throat, but misses the Nash rope-choke spot. Hogan clotheslines him into the corner, and atomic drops him to the outside. Hogan follows, and goes to deck him, but Savage puts Liz in front of him. Savage gets caught in a top rope bodypress attempt, and Hulk hits a backbreaker to put him on the floor again. Savage hides behind Liz once more, but Hogan outsmarts him, and rolls him in. Savage catches him on the way back in, however, and hits a double ax handle for two. He tosses Hogan out, and hits another double ax out there. Hulk crawls back in, so Savage elbows him down for two. He starts jabbing away at Hogan, but he no sells, and clotheslines him out of the ropes. Big boot hits, and Macho falls to the concrete. Hogan follows, moves Liz out of the way, and beats on the Macho Man! Back in, Savage catches him with a kick to the face, and he hits the big flying elbow drop for two! Hogan tries a diving clothesline, so Savage moves, and the ref. gets bumped. Hogan gets dumped out, so Savage grabs the title belt, then drops onto Hogan with it, busting him open. Macho picks the ref. up, and manually moves his hands for the count-out, actually winning the match that way at 10:00! He takes the WWF belt, and puts it on, but when the ref. tells him he has to give it back, Macho decks him! He leaves with the title anyway, but Hogan stops him, and kills him in the ring. He hits a clothesline, and tries to whack him with the belt, but Macho bails and runs to the back. Fun match. I mean, not a classic or anything, but fun. ** ¾.

- Jesse “The Body” Ventura is on T.N.T. (the WWF talk-show style show), and he takes questions from the audience. Why the hell did Alfred Hayes have his own show anyway? I mean, GEE! Anyway, Jesse makes fun of the fans, and that’s the whole point of this.

- Midget Match: The Haiti Kid vs. Butch Cassidy: From MSG. Haiti chases the Big Show (see, Butch is REALLY tall for a midget), and arm drags him a lot. A criss cross allows Haiti a slam, and more arm drags. He goes into an arm bar, and then hits some backdrops and dropkicks. You go Haiti! He rolls him up for two (with the ref. WAY out of position), and then does the old three stooges nose smack on him for two. The midgets start fighting the ref. (because this IS a comedy match), but they get back to eachother. Oooh, a test of strength … how Benoit. Butch wins that, but gets slingshot onto the mat (since he can’t reach the top turnbuckle) for two. The “coco punch” gets two, and he bites Cassidy’s wrist. Butch rams him to the 2nd turnbuckle in response, but the Kid channels Hogan and starts no selling. Dropkick gets two, as the commentators talk about elevation in the wrestling ranks, and how politics plays in it. No really, they actually do! Backdrop gets two, and a faceslam gets one. Butch catches him with a neckbreaker, and hits a nice dropkick. Snap suplex gets two, and a gutwrench gets another two. Shoulderbreaker (solid one, too) hits, and a big criss cross allows Haiti to do an airplane spin. He then does an Eddie Guerrero style roll up out of the ropes to get the pin at 10:27. Actually, not a bad match at all. *. (I just recently did a BUExperience on this one, and was pleased to find that this was actually a very decent little match – no pun intended)

- The Early Years: Johnny Valiant vs. Ivan Putski: This is from MSG in the mid-70’s. (June 1975) Putski looks like he eats steroids for every meal here, but he still has a HUGE gut. Valiant jumps him to start, and does nothing more inspired than punches. POLISH POWER surges through his body, however, and Ivan starts no selling. He knocks Valiant to the apron, and dumbly turns his back, which allows Johnny to take over again. Great, more punches. Gee, being a wrestler in the 70’s was easy, wasn’t it? Punch, punch, punch, kick, headlock, kick, slam, pin. More POLISH POWER (roid rage) surges, however, and Putski starts to do some punches of his own. Valiant begs off, but gets punched anyway, and then hip tossed. Backdrop hits (and that was like a big thing to see, I guess, judging by the crowd response), and Ivan is so overwhelmed that he has to rap up! Therefore, a clothesline and a butt splash finish for the steroid pumper at 4:32. Bad match, but the crowd loved it. Still, a definite DUD.

- More from the T.N.T. show, as Vince and Alfred Hayes have an “Advice for the Lovelorn” sketch. Cute sketch, but nothing that needs more mention than this.

- Ricky Steamboat vs. Bob Orton: I would have personally went with the Hogan/Savage match to close the tape, but whatever. Orton avoids Steamboat by stalling to start, complaining about Steamboat’s lack of boots. Ricky gets him in an arm bar off of a criss cross, and works Bob’s bad arm (see, he had an Owen Hart-cast on it at the time). (More like Owen had an ‘Orton-cast’ on at the time, and not the other way around, but whatever. Also, Randy still sucks) That lasts a good while, too. Eventually, they have a criss cross, and Ricky hits a big chop. He goes right back to the arm bar, however. Still, the crowd is PUMPED! The Cowboy slams his way out of the arm bar, but Steamboat retaliates with his own slam. He hits a deep arm drag (a Steamboat favorite), and hooks the arm bar again. Orton hip tosses his way out (with a solid one, too), and then hits a flying head scissors. He throws some soda from the crowd into Steamboat’s eyes, and abuses him for a while. An elbow drop gets two, but he misses a shot with the cast, giving Steamboat control. Ricky tries to slam him, but his knee gives out, and Orton topples on top of him for two. Ricky blocks a forearm shot, and they have a slug/chop fest. Ricky wins that, and backdrops Orton to the mat. He heads to the top, and hits a flying bodypress for two. Big chops gets Orton down, and an elbow drop gets Steamboat two. He tries a slam, but the Cowboy hits an atomic drop to counter. He throws him to the floor, but the Dragon skins the cat, and dropkicks Orton out to the floor. The butch female ref. gets in Steamboat’s way, however, which allows Orton a suplex attempt. He reverses, however, and the Dragon suplexes ORTON back in. A splash hits the knees though, and Bob preps the cast to whack Steamboat. He climbs to the top, and smashes the cast into Steamboat’s head, which earns him a DQ at 14:04. Okay match, with a good pace, but the slow start sort of hurt it a bit. ** ¼.

- Bottom Line: Hey, it’s 1985 WWF. What did you expect? ***** classics? Well, it ain’t gonna happen! Still, in all seriousness, nothing was too bad here (the worst match was really short, and everything else was okay), but there wasn’t anything that would make you look twice.

- Very Mildly Recommended. Don’t run out and get it, but you don’t have to avoid it, either.