HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: SuperTape I

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF SuperTape I. I’m doing this ONLY because I promised you NO HOLDS BARRED … the cage match … and I LIVE TO PLEASE, BABY!  (This was originally written in late 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your Host is Sean Mooney, since this is still early 1990. He promises the “best of the best” on here, and then brings up the Bushwhackers in the next sentence. Aww shit.

- Fan Favorite Match: Ronnie Garvin vs. Mr. Perfect: From Nashville, in what appears to be a Wrestling Challenge taping. Hennig out wrestles him to start, throwing him off his game, but not really hurting him. Just messing with him, so to speak. (Hennig loved messing with people in other ways, too. That story Jim Ross tells on one of the Legends roundtables about Hennig stuffing a tubesock down his tights to mess with Gorilla Monsoon is a riot) He decides the pain should begin, and works in the chops, but takes to hip tosses. Punches by Garvin are drastically oversold, and Perfect bails out. Inside, they trade punches, obviously won by Ronnie, as Hennig oversells again. In again, another spar session, and another victory for Garvin. Another bail out following. Inside again, Hennig calls for another spar session, but instead headlocks him. Oh, that’s MUCH more interesting. He gets sick of this shit too, and starts punching the hell out of Garvin, but he’s RUGGED, so he out slugs him. Roll up gets a close two, and a backdrop, so Hennig tries a sunset flip, but gets decked for two. Garvin stomp gets a great pop, and he tries the Sharpshooter, but Perfect kicks him off. Jumping necksnap hits, and we have ourselves a good ‘ol chopfest. Ronnie actually wins, and hooks a sleeper, but lets off and goes for the pin. It only gets two, so he resorts back to punches. Lots and lots of punches. Backdrop, and an elbow drop gets two, as the crowd gets pumped up for every nearfall. Well, that’s always a good sign. Roll up for two, and a criss cross leads to a double shoulderblock. Both recover together, so Garvin hooks a small package for two, and Curt reverses for the pin at 10:43. Not terrible, but not any good, either. ½*.

- And now, a HITMAN383 Rant Special: The top ten signs you’re in a bad neighborhood highschool:
10. Business Education class revolves around how to sell things out of the back of your car, and avoiding paying taxes.
9. Health class revolves around how to treat gunshot, and stab wounds.
8. In Gym class, you play “dodge the bullet” instead of dodge ball, and for track, you run away from faux store clerks after you have just ripped them off.
7. In English class, you read the finest selections from literary greats such as Modana. (Pretty sure I intentionally misspelled that, but if not, that’s pretty bad)
6. Chemistry class teaches you the best way to mix drugs.
5. In Math, the main topic of choice is speed: trying to know if you’ve been screwed in a drug deal in record time.
4. In Biology, you learn which bodyparts are the best to stab, if you want to severely injure, but not kill, the victim.
3. You are searched whenever entering the room for the debate team, since these are VERBAL arguments. (Of course, in many schools, they actually DO search you, so that’s not so strange these days)
2. Ebonics is offered as a second language.
And, the #1 sign that you’re in a bad location highschool:
1. Your History teacher describes the American’s as “bugging out” after Pearl Harbor. (That came from a classmate of mine actually saying that as a response to a question from a teacher about the aftermath of Pearl Harbor)

- Managers Profile: Bobby Heenan. Bob runs down all the faces on the roster, but isn’t even NEAR as funny, or witty as usual.

- Wrestler Profile: Mean Gene tracks down the Bushwhackers in the “outback,” and “funny” things happen. I believe this stuff made the Net.cop Busts, and rightly show.

- The Bushwhackers vs. The Bolsheviks: This is the ‘Whackers’ WWF debut, at a house show in MSG. (That’s not remotely true. This was December of ’89, long after they debuted)  Big brawl to start, won by the faces, of course. Man, even for a DEBUT, the crowd doesn’t give a shit. Boris officially starts, and gets beat on by the Bushwhackers’ “comedic” tactics. For those that weren’t around in this time period, their comedic level was about that of Jim Carey, so I guess you know how I feel. (I used to really hate Jim Carrey, though I’ve done a 180 on him – especially his dramatic roles) They get caught by Volkoff, however, but some well-timed biting turns the tide. The ref “bugs out” at that though, and the Russians take over again. Nothing of note, however. The match continues to drag and drag, until a heel miscommunication allows the ‘Whackers the battering ram for the pin at 9:23 (!!). Yes, nine and a half minutes of this shit. Terrible match, of course. -***. WHAT A DEBUT!

- Back to the outback, as the ‘Whackers grill some shit up.

- The Bushwhackers vs. Bad News Brown & The Brooklyn Brawler: Oh COME ON! I just sat through almost TEN MINUTES of these morons already … enough is enough. What I do for me readers … I could just fast forward to the main event, but NO … I strive through this shit FOR YOU. This is from Superstars, for anyone who cares, and the crowd actually goes wild for these fools. The ‘Whackers get wacky to control, as the Brawler is made into their bitch. Double clothesline nearly gives Schiavone (on commentary) an orgasm, but all it gives the Brawler is a tag to Brown. That goes no where, so Brawler tags back in, and gets killed. Brown has another try, and actually does well for himself, as Luke becomes Luke Morton. Brawler fucks it up, however, and Butch does his thing. Battering ram hits, and a stomach breaker finishes at 5:40. Hey, atleast it was under 6:00! Not as bad as the other one, but still a bad match, obviously. DUD. (In case you couldn’t tell, that sidetrack earlier was done specifically to delay having to sit through these matches)

- Back to the BBQ, as Gene has a hard time swallowing what the Bushwhackers spew, but take a liking to it, and starts downing it by the mouthful. (As long as it’s not Tony Atlas’ cooking, he’s down)

- The Bushwhackers vs. The Powers of Pain: This is a house show in Toronto, which is a bad sign. The T.V. tapings are usually quicker paced, and shorter matches, while these house show suckfests take eons. And consist of lots, and lots of headlocks. Anyway, as if you NEEDED a summary of this one, it consists of the ‘Whackers using headlocks and grunting a lot for the opening portion, and using some 4th grade level tactics to control the big dudes. Eventually, however, the power is just too much to handle, and the Warlord bearhugs the life out of Luke, then kicks the crap out of Butch. Butch Morton keeps getting whacked on, but they make the comeback, and hit the battering ram on both heels. Fuji gets involved, however, and we have a DQ at 9:15. Yawn, yawn, yawn. -*. (Interestingly, the match I called their ‘debut’ was actually the most recent, with both the other bouts taking place before)

- Mean Gene dresses like the ‘Whackers at the BBQ, and gets funky with them. This is just disturbing.

- Alfred Hayes joins us for the “Call of the Action,” as Hayes takes the time out to teach us the names of some complex moves. Damn, if there’s one guy you don’t want giving you commentary advice, I’d have to rank Alfred right at the top. We learn such complex holds as “headlock, “clothesline,” and Pat Patterson’s favorite, “mid-section blow.”

- Rick Rude vs. Tito Santana: This is house show action. Posefest to start. Rude has the better body, obviously, even if Santana is bigger. Test of strength won by Rude, but a timely “Tito” chant turns the tide, getting a big pop. He lets off for some stalling, then challenges Rude to another test of strength. Rude is reluctant, however, so he kicks him in the ribs instead, and hooks a headlock. Fuckin’ house show matches. Tito eventually powers out, and whips Rick to the buckle a couple times, drawing great reactions from the crowd. Sid-style chinlock applied, which lasts a good while, so Rude goes down low to bust out. Atomic drop by the Ravishing one, and he goes to work with slugs. Chinlock eats up some rest time, until Tito busts out in the corner. He tries a charge, but eats boot, as Rude’s back continues to hurt. Upstairs, a big axehandle connects, and he works him over in the corner. Irish whip, but Tito hits a faceslam to stop Rude. He tries a splash, but hits the knees, and Rude works his abs. Suplex, but Santana reverses, only he’s still too hurt to capitalize. Rick tries a slam, but fails, and gets atomic dropped. He does his usual drastic oversell, and Tito makes him his bitch in the corner. Rude tries to bail, but the tights come down (as usual … but atleast it ain’t Vince McMahon again), and he works the knee. Gee, pick a part. Figure four (after only 5 seconds of knee work), so Rude makes the ropes right away. Sunset flip by Tito, but Rick sits down (and holds the ropes, of course) for the win at 16:40. Quite the lengthy match there, but it didn’t warrant so much time. This could have easily been wrapped up in 5 minutes. ½*.

- Ted DiBiase vs. Jake Roberts: Once again house show action, this time in New York. Mind games by Teddy to start, as he out wits Roberts. Then again, how hard is that to do, really? Jake resorts to what he does when he gets a bad stash on the streets, punches, so Ted bails. He doesn’t have to lower himself to Jake’s level, by ANY means. Back in, more stalling. Test of strength (the marquee of all house show matches) won by the Million Dollar Man, but Roberts comes back, and tries the DDT, but Ted bails. He likes to bail, does he not? Back in, Jake works the arm, so Ted tries to do the same, only to get dropped on his face. DDT attempt out of a criss cross, but Ted (you guessed it), bails. He talks strategy with Virgil on the floor, but Roberts is right there, and nails him. Virgil does his job, however, and distracts Jake long enough for DiBiase to pounce. Inside, chokes. Outside, chokes. Inside again, pounding. Man, where’s Hayes to help me call all these complex holds now? 2nd rope axehandle actually hits (!!) for two, and a big clothesline follows up. Kneedrop for two, and he hooks a chinlock. Jake busts out, but a well-placed shot to the eyes allows DiBiase to keep control. Chinlock again, and again Jake fights out, but this time a knee to the abs keeps Roberts at bay. The Dream gets hooked on, and Jake fades out, but is lucky enough to fall with one foot in the ropes. Ted drags him mid-ring, and covers, getting two. Chinlock, but the Snake quickly stunners his way out, and jabs away! Short-arm clothesline, and you know what that means (and so does the crowd, who goes wild), but Virgil grabs the leg to stop it. Ted with a slam, but Roberts hangs on, pulls down the tights, and rolls him up (with his head violently hitting the mat) for the pin at 16:15. The crowd then goes absolutely WILD. Another WAY too long match here, and not very good at all! ¼*.

- Tony does a segment on the fans of the WWF, and what they like. The usual, dumb ass segment. They try to make the Warrior seem over too, with little kids reading little pre-written scripts about how big and strong he is. Oh man, this is just bad. (Well, Warrior WAS over, but yeah, the segment was terrible)

- Tugboat vs. Mike Sharpe: This is Tugboat (Typhoon)’s in ring debut off of Superstars. Sharpe tries his hardest to control, but it’s TUGBOAT, so he gets eaten for lunch, as McMahon has a good ‘ol time on commentary. Hey, don’t get Vince too excited … he’ll start making his ass do tricks for us. I wonder what he must be like at parties. (If nothing else, this Rant illustrates how traumatized I was by the whole Kiss My Ass Club) Tugboat actually manages a standing dropkick (and a rather good one, too), then an avalanche in the corner. Splash finishes at 2:26, of an un-impressive in-ring debut. ¼* for the dropkick, which WAS impressive.

- Steel Cage Match: Randy Savage & Zeus vs. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake: This is from the infamous No Holds Barred PPV. This is also the reason we are all reading this review. As the faces enter the cage, Sherri slams the door on Hogan, leaving him hurt on the floor, and Beefcake alone on the inside with the heels. She then locks the cage (obviously forgetting that it HAS NO TOP), and the heels do there thing. (She probably just figured Hogan would be too lazy to climb in) Hulk immediately recovers, of course, and then just climbs in and wrecks Savage. (Her bad) He wrecks Zeus too (who actually sells!), and Randy takes a backdrop into the cage. Zeus takes the big boot, as does Macho. Atomic drop on Randy, and they try to take out Zeus, but he rams the faces faces into the steel bars. Meanwhile, Savage climbs, and gets to the outside level, but Beefcake tugs him back in. This displeases Sherri, however, so she climbs up, onto to get rammed into Savage, knocking him off to the mat. Big, big pop for that. Sleeper on Zeus, broken by a top rope double ax from Savage. They do a number on the faces for a while, in the least inspirational manner possible, and then both try to climb out. The faces quickly stop that effort with side suplexes, as the crowd chants for Hogan. Everyone’s down, so Sherri bumps the ref, and gives Macho a chain. So, what was the point of bumping the ref? It’s no DQ anyhow (NO HOLDS BARRED)! Savage goes to the top of the cage, raps the chain on his hand, and leaps to Beefcake, but gets decked. Cool spot. Savage and Beefcake have a foot race to escape now, as Hogan hulks up on the mat, and starts no selling everything. Meanwhile, Beefcake topples Savage, and escapes, as Hogan hammers Zeus. Savage, who is now busted open very nicely, gets tugged out by Beefcake to prevent offense from him (also giving him an escape), and Hulk slams the big dude. Three legdrops, and Hulk covers to get the pin (??), and finally end this wretched feud at 9:30. Better than the SummerSlam match, for sure, since the mayhem format worked a lot better than the normal tag team format. Match of the tape, too, at *. Afterwards, Jesse Ventura and Vinny Mac discuss the possibility of Hogan/Zeus at WrestleMania VI. Oh, THANK G-D that didn’t happen!

- Bottom Line: Hell, the best match involves ZEUS, for goodness sake! Plus, THREE Bushwhackers matches? Don’t even bother! In fact, BURN ALL COPIES YOU SEE!

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.