HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Smack 'Em, Whack 'Em

- Over my vacation I stopped by a little mom and pop shop and picked up a couple of good looking Coliseum tapes: WWF’s Smack ‘Em, Whack ‘Em, Best of the WWF Volume VI, Best of the WWF Volume XVIII, and Wham Bam Bodyslam. Hey, they all look okay, and were cheap, so what the hell? Let’s start with “Smack ‘Em, Whack ‘Em” which looks very promising. (This one was originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system: ***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Your Host is Alfred Hayes. Oh, this is gonna be fun. The theme is that they are building a house, or something. Of course, it’s the Bushwhackers who are building the house, so you KNOW it’s gonna get ZANY! (What an overdose of my three least favorite personalities growing up. As an adult, Hayes is kinda funny in a ‘so bad, he’s good’ sorta way. But still…)

- Crush vs. The Berzerker: I’m not sure which is worse: the Bushwhackers opening skit, or this match. This is 1993, so it’s still face Crush, and he gets a big pop. They have a shove fest to start, and Crush hits a belly to belly. Old Huss wants a Test of Strength, and he kicks at Crush, but he no sells with such force, that the Berzerker hits the floor. Criss cross leads to Crush shoulderblocking him out, but he comes back in to Russian leg sweep the Hawaiian. Criss cross allows Berzerker to hit a big boot, and he follows with a flying shoulderblock. Very dangerous looking piledriver (with Crush’s head really hitting the mat hard) gets Berzerker two, but he misses a knee. Crush takes his time (and rightly so) to get to his feet, but once he does, he gets tied up in the ropes. Huss kicks away, but Crush no sells, and hits a weak looking atomic drop. He clotheslines him over, and hits a backbreaker. Leg drop gets two, and he calls for the Compactor. He hooks it on, and gets the win at 6:17. DUD, but it could have been worse.

- More fun with the Bushwhackers. They even have Triple H’s sledgehammer, which is probably why they are out of wrestling’s main stream now. You just DO NOT steal from The Game.

- Repo Man vs. Earthquake: Oh great. Both these guys were actually at WrestleMania XVII, which I would have NEVER guessed back in 1993. Earthquake throws him around to start, and hits an avalanche in the corner. Repo takes over with punches, and hits a 2nd rope clothesline. A leg drop gets him two, and he hooks a head vice. Earthquake powers out, as the announcers fall asleep, along with the crowd. ‘Quake misses an elbow, so Repo chokes him. He tries a top rope move, but gets powerslammed, and ass splashed to finish at 4:23. Another DUD.

- More Bushwhackers.

- Cooking. With Yokozuna. You guess how this one goes! (And if you can’t, I’m going to describe it for you!) Gene is with the tub, and they start off with hot towels. Afterwards, we learn about chopsticks, and then eat some sushi. Yoko looks so embarrassed the whole time, and I don’t blame him. Next, “Lou” cooks some food for them at the table. Yoko eats a lot of steak, which I THINK is the point of this. He then eats a load of shrimp and rice. This was mildly amusing, in an odd way, but it was stupid in a bigger way.

- Monsoon is with Bret Hart at Caesars Palace, right before WrestleMania IX. Bret is the champ, and Gorilla goes thorough a lot of questions (mostly about Shawn Michaels) because this tape has a Bret Hart profile. That’s one of the reasons I picked this tape up.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Ladder Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels: Oh yeah! I’ve reviewed this one before, but I’ll be glad to do it again! They wrestle around to start, and Hart clotheslines Shawn off a criss cross. Backdrop by Bret, and he throws Shawn into the corner. He continues to punish the challenger, and tries to head up the isle, but Michaels clips the knee. He pounds the Hitman, and catches him with a knee to the gut off the ropes, as the announcers discuss Sherri’s chest. Eww. (To be fair, she had some nice titties. Look no further than that early episode of RAW where she gets into a catfight with Luna, and WHOA are those some big titties coming out to play) Shawn gets the ladder, but Hart clocks him, and throws him back in. He drops an elbow, and tries to bring the ladder in, but Sherri distracts him. Shawn uses this time to climb, but Bret makes the save. He tries to climb (getting the crowd excited), but Shawn stops it. He rams Bret with the ladder a few times, but Hart kicks him in the head. A cross corner whip reversal has Bret taking his usual sternum first bump, but hitting the ladder instead of the turnbuckle. Ouch. Shawn climbs, but Bret tugs him off, and the ladder falls on HBK. Bret climbs, but gets tossed off by Michaels. Shawn stomps, and climbs, but Bret pulls him off. They scuffle into the corner, and Michaels tosses him into the ladder. He misses a charge, however, so Bret hits a 2nd rope clothesline. Bret slingshots Shawn into the steel, and hits a backbreaker. Bret goes up, but Shawn pulls him down quickly. A criss cross leads to a double shoulderblock, leaving both men down. Shawn gets up first, and makes the climb, but Hart climbs the other side. Both end up falling off in the end, so Shawn rakes the eyes. Bret gets tripped up by Sherri, which allows Shawn a superkick (before it meant much), and then he hits a side suplex (which DID mean something). (That was one of the cool things about squash matches, as when they needed to build up a finisher, you’d just have the guy go out and kill a bunch of jobbers with it, and BOOM) He makes the climb, and nearly snags the title belt, but Bret dropkicks him off. That knocks Shawn to the floor (but not before getting crotched), and Hart grabs the title at 13:46. Very good match, *** ½.

- Bret talks about how he always will take on all challenges that come his way. What I don’t get is why they couldn’t get a nicer belt than that one? The design is very nice (my favorite of all time), but the plating has worn off, and it looks pretty bad. (Basically, they just didn’t give a shit in those days. It was worn, and one of the eagle wings was even cracked off while Savage still had it in 1992. And they didn’t get around to replacing it until late 1993)

- WWF Title Match: Bret Hart vs. Kamala: Yeah, Kamala is a big contender to the title. Big pop for Hart though. Bret out moves Kamala to start (yeah, but how hard is THAT to do?), only to get caught. Kamala misses a corner charge, so Hart hooks on an arm bar. Kamala slams his way out, but gets dropkicked, and wrist locked. Kamala wants a Test of Strength, but Bret smartly refuses. The dumb ass announcers question why Kim Chee won’t remove his mask, and what he has to hide. Well would YOU want the whole world to know that YOU double as the Brooklyn Brawler? He finally does except the Test of Strength, but kicks his way out quickly. He tries to shoulderblock Kamala down, but the big guy uses his fat to stop him. Bear hug gets hooked in, and then Kamala hits a spin kick. Nerve hold applied (you guess by whom), but Hart hits a Russian leg sweep for two. Bret does the ten-punch count in the corner, and 2nd rope clotheslines the big guy for two. Monkey flip hits, and Bret does his 2nd rope elbow. He tries the Sharpshooter, but Kim Chee gets involved to stop him. It fails, however, as a heel miscommunication allows Bret to roll him up for the pin at 8:01. One of the worst Bret Hart matches I’ve ever seen. DUD.

- Bret discusses the title match with Ric Flair. That match is basically THE reason I bought this tape, and I hope it’s worth it.

- WWF Title Match: Ric Flair vs. Bret Hart: They lock up to start, which no one wins. Flair hooks a side headlock in, and wrestles Hart on the mat with it. Bret turns it into a wristlock, and Flair bails into the ropes. They keep things slow, and Ric chops Hart in the corner. Suplex gets blocked, and Hart hits one of his own for two. Backdrop connects, as the crowd goes into frenzy over Bret. He kicks him down low, and the champ bails out. He comes back in, and they fight over a wristlock. Hart wins that, and continues to work the arm. Ric lures Hart into the corner, boots him in the gut, and chops away. Flair tosses him over the top to the floor, but Hart sunset flips back in, only to get decked by the champion. Bret bails out, and then tires another sunset flip (tugging Ric’s tights down in the process this time) for two. Hayes compliments Flair’s ass as a “heavenly body.” Mr. Hayes, you ARE a sick man! Backdrop connects, and Bret hits a series of clotheslines to put Flair out. Back in, a headbutt gets two, so Ric rakes the eyes. Bret takes the sternum first bump into the corner, and then does it again. You go, Bret! Flair kicks the left knee, and then hits a knee breaker. He works the challenger over in the corner, but misses a knee drop. Hart tries the figure four, but Flair doesn’t like gimmick infringement, and kicks Bret away. Bret hits a knee breaker to respond, and works on the right knee. Figure four applied by Bret, as Hayes wants to know if a submission indicates a title change. What do YOU think, dumb ass? This guy is obviously a “friend” of Pat Patterson’s, because he does NOT deserve this job. (I don’t think that’s true. Though, I’d like ti think that it was) Flair makes the ropes, but Hart gets a backslide for two. Flair pokes the eyes, as Hayes starts to go on a rant about the greatness of “camera man #5.” The guy is a nutcase, I swear to G-D. Flair hits a side suplex, and a small package gets two. Butterfly suplex gets two, so he hooks the leg to get another two. Knee drop hits, but it hurts Ric’s bad knee too, in a great moment of psychology. Chop gets two, so Ric argues with the ref., and Hart rolls him up for two. Flair wins a small slugfest, and hits another knee breaker. Figure four hooked on by the champion, but Hart reverses, only for Flair to make the ropes. Flair continues to work the left knee, and tries another figure four, but Bret gets an inside cradle for two. Slugfest in the corner is won by Hart, but he eats boot off a corner charge. Ric heads up, only to get slammed off (duh!), and backdropped. Elbow drop gets two, and a Russian leg sweep gets two. Backbreaker and the 2nd rope elbow get two. He’s forgotten the knee injury, however, which is a bad thing. Suplex gets two, so Flair starts chopping. Bret no sells (AND drops the straps down), then superplexes the champ! Sharpshooter time! He hooks it in, and Flair submits at 26:30 to win his first of five WWF titles. The place goes absolutely NUTS in celebration, proving how great the Hitman really was. Good match, but not as good as what I’ve heard. *** ½. I have their Iron Man on tape too, but I’ve never bothered to watch it. I will soon, however, and see if it’s better than this one. (Never got around to watching that fan-cam Iron Man in full, but I kinda want to watch this again just to listen to Hayes’ batshit insane commentary)

- Bret promises to always be the People’s Champion. Hey, where’s the Rock to yell at him for stealing his lines? (Probably getting laid in his dorm room)

- The Bushwhackers continue to … well … whack.

- Razor Ramon vs. The Undertaker: Razor is still a heel at this point, and the ‘Taker is a face. Hayes, again, comments how good-looking Ramon is. I swear, Hayes gets fruitier by the segment. Razor pisses the ‘Taker off to start, and pays the price, as UT no sells EVERYTHING he does. ‘Taker hooks a choke, and kicks Ramon in the chops. The ropewalk forearm hits, and the purple-wearing Ramon sells it in classic Hennig style. Criss cross allows Razor a knee shot, but it’s no sold, and UT slams him. He misses an elbow (but no sells THAT TOO), so Razor clotheslines him out. That’s no sold as well, and he hits a stunner. Short clothesline hits, but he misses a charge, and Razor bulldogs him. No sold, however. Razor grabs a chair, and bashes him in the back, then puts him to the rail and the steps to force him to sell. Back inside, Ramon slams him, but UT sits up. Clothesline no sold, as is a sidewalk slam. A series of 1,000 elbows kills the ‘Taker (get the pun?), but he sits up. Razor clobbers him with the urn, however, and puts him down. That gets two, and ‘Taker chokeslams him to the mat. Ramon bails out, and takes the count out at 7:30. Well THAT ending killed the crowd. DUD, duh.

- More of those damn, damn Bushwhackers. This time they hook up a T.V. and show poor Alfred some Coliseum videos. Make him watch THIS one, if you don’t like him. (The fuck are you bitching about? The Hart/Flair title switch and the Hart/Michaels ladder match alone make this one of the better Coliseum releases)

- A Bret Hart/Yokozuna match was advertised on the box, but never materialized. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

- Bottom Line: Well, any tape that features Hart/Michaels and Hart/Flair can’t be all bad, now can it? It can’t be all-good, either, unfortunately. Those two matches are very good ones, but the rest of the tape is so filled with DUD’s, that it ruins it for me. Plus Hart/Michaels is available (in better matches) elsewhere, and if you REALLY want the Ladder Match it’s on the “WWF’s Most Unusual Matches, Ever!” tape, which isn’t bad at all.

- Mild Recommendation to avoid. (Are you fucking insane?! I haven’t even gotten around to doing a BUExperience on this one yet, and I can already tell you this would be a must-have for any Coliseum Collection. Dummy)