HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Most Unusual Matches

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF’s Most Unusual Matches. This pretty much rounds out the 86-87 Coliseum tapes, until I can find more, that is (Originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Star Wars thingy.

- Your Host is Jesse Ventura, in his usual lavish out-fit. He seems very subdued, to say the least. Was he high, or something? (50/50, could go either way there)

- WWF Intercontinental Title Lumberjack Match: Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana: From New York, at the Garden. Greg’s sporting the ugly “green belt,” here, since this is about 1985. Greg jumps him, but gets decked off the ropes. Santana dominates, so he bails, but gets pushed back in by Ricky Steamboat, who looks REALLY BIG here. Repeat the process, and Tito hits an atomic drop. Kneelift, and Valentine bails, but King Kong Bundy pushes him in. Tito works him over in the corner, but gets atomic dropped. Cut to later, as Tito tries the figure four, so Greg bails, but gets pushed in by a bunch of faces. Tito controls, so Greg tries to escape again, but the usual happens. He runs right into a knee (HARD), however, which gets Valentine two. He dumps Tito, and some heels roll him in. Again, and the same shit happens. The Rock’s dad, Rocky Johnson, helps poor Tito, along with a bunch of other faces. Man, Rocky was more built than his son! 2nd rope forearm by the champ for two, and he starts working the leg. Figure four attempt, but Tito rolls him up (popping the crowd), but only for two. He gets decked by Greg, and we cut to later, as Tito dominates. Slugfest won by the challenger, and he knocks the Hammer over. Suplex for two, and he keeps hammering the Hammer. Yes, I see the pun. He tries the figure four, but Greg bails again, but it fails … again. Figure four applied, to a BIG ovation, but Greg makes the ropes (with help from John Studd). Tito attacks John, but gets pounded by the Hammer as a result. Slugfest won by Santana, and both guys are out, but Greg falls on top of him for the pin at 10:21. BIG boos for that one. Not to worry, however, as he’d win it in a cage match later on. The match? Decent, but nothing SPECIAL. ¾*, but I’m sure in 1985 it rocked. (The big problem with this one was tons of clipping killing the flow)

- Indian Strap Match: Greg Valentine vs. Jay Strongbow: From New York, July 1979. Greg attacks before they even get the strap hooked on, and then continues doing so when they hook it on! Chokes follow, as I start predicting a **** ½ affair. Okay, no. Greg opens Jay up with the belt to the head, but he starts doing the Tatanka no-sell sequence. He comes back with punches, and belt whips, popping the crowd. Cut to later, as Greg drops an elbow. Strongbow bails, so the Hammer drags him back in, via the strap. Slugfest on the floor, won by Strongbow. He tosses Greg into the post, and in they go. Greg chokes him with the strap, and they have another slugfest. Jay kicks the ref. in the nuts to keep him out of the way (what kind of face IS he, anyway) and a bunch of faces run out to hold Greg for Jay to hit. What the hell kind of faces ARE these? The bell rings around this point, at 4:37, so Greg bails out and tries to grab a chair, but a fan tries to stop him. What does Greg do? Hits the fan! Apparently, this was a no-contest, for whatever reason. Total DUD, as if there was any doubt. Highlight: Gorilla Monsoon comes out to stop it, and looks MAMMOTH. I mean, Yokozuna size! He lost a lot of weight between ’79 and ’85, huh? Finkel announces the official time as just under 8:00 minutes, so not much was missed.

- Texas Tornado Match: Roddy Piper & Bob Orton vs. Jimmy Snuka & The Junkyard Dog: From New York. No tags in this one, just a brawl. The faces dominate to start, and the Dog hits a lariat on Orton for two, as Piper posts the Superfly. The heels work over JYD, as Snuka takes a breather on the floor. He comes back in, however, and has a slugfest with Piper, but the Cowboy saves. Jimmy rams the heel’s heads together, and then hammers Roddy. It spills out, where everyone brawls in the aisle. Back in, more of the same. Oddly, the heels both apply chinlocks, which is kind of out of place in this one. Cut to later, as the faces break out of it. At least they cut the resting. They hook sleepers next, and as Piper locks his into the Dog, he kicks away at Snuka! Now THERE’s a heel. Cut to them coming out of it, again. Man, the crowd HATES these restholds, even in 1985. More brawling, and the heels hit a double slam/suplex type move on Jimmy. Ace’s big splash hits the knees, however, so Piper chokes him. Superfly no-sells, however, and it spills out again. Roddy posts him, and trips the Dog up, allowing Orton to pin him at 6:39. DUD, as usual for these tapes. (Totally underselling this here. Wild little brawl)

- 10-Woman Battle Royal: From the late 60s, and it’s joined in progress with 8 in. Usual battle royal fare, but it’s not over-the-top, you are eliminated by pin. The winner faces Women’s champ, Moolah. How long did she have that freakin’ belt, anyway? (A looooong time) Cut to later, with 6-in. I don’t know any of them, however, and they don’t say. Plus the camera view is too far back for me to really recognize anyone. Later, 5-left. Some masked girl gets pinned (with TWO girls on top of her), and we cut to later, as a double slingshot hits twice. Double monkey flip (twice), and cut later again. One of the girls gets pinned, and it’s down to three. They do a cool slingshot-into-a-sunset-flip spot, lifted by the Rockers MUCH later on, to eliminate the heels and give Sue Green the win at 4:28. ½*, for some innovative shit, but this isn’t 2001, and there isn’t a bunch of hotties here, so don’t expect it.

- 20-Man Battle Royal: From New York, July 1984. Participants: Sika, Antonio Anoki, Butcher Vachon, Tony Garea, Jay Strongbow, Afa, Dick Murdoch, Bob Orton, Adrian Adonis, The Iron Sheik, Tito Santana (with a big pop), Paul Orndorff, Sgt. Slaughter, Steve Lombardi, Ron Shaw, Rene Goulet, and 4 other jobbers whose names I didn’t get, but aren’t really important. Usual battle royal fare, all which usually end up at about **, and I don’t see this as being any different. Cut to later, with a number of guys gone already. Adonis becomes a Soprano (not as in TONY, but as in getting crotched on the top rope), and then tossed out. Whats-a-matta you? (Man, even THEN I was referencing The Sopranos a lot) Slaughter (who looks particularly thin) gets dumped, along with Murdoch. Tito’s out, as Anoki goes nuts, karate style. You know, Bob Orton looks a SHITLOAD like Terry Funk at this point. He still gets enzuiguri’d out by Anoki. Garea’s out. Down to Shaw, Goulet and Anoki. The Japanese star wins at 6:19. Boring. DUD.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Cage Match: Don Muraco vs. Jimmy Snuka: This is the famous “Foley Match” from New York in October 1983. The version on “Inside the Steel Cage” was badly cut, so I’ll review this version too, since I’m fair. I even see Mick at ringside, which is cool. Super hot crowd for this one, and they start with a slugfest. Snuka wins that with a headbutt, so Muraco tries to bail out, but gets caught, and beat on some more. Pretty slow match, so far. Jimmy takes a low blow, and then a slingshot into the cage, busting him over. Muraco dominates, but eats foot on a corner charge. Jimmy climbs, but gets stopped, and they have a slugfest up there. Jimmy wins, knocking him to the mat, but he’s too hurt to escape. Don slams him off, and he goes for the door. The Superfly stops him, however, but takes a low blow. Jimmy still throws him to the cage, and chops away, busting HIM open. Slam by the Superfly, and a 2nd rope fist drop. He hammers away, and ends up flying headbutting him, knocking Muraco over the top, out the door, and to the floor, to let the “Rock” retain at 6:39. The fans are not satisfied with THAT, however, so Snuka brings him back in, and hits the Superfly Splash off the top of the cage to a massive pop, which STILL looks good today, even after all we’ve seen since. History aside, the match isn’t much, but is worth having, since it’s the full version, and very collectable. ½*. (I’d say the significance of this one has lessened somewhat in the thirteen years since I did this review, though it still has some value in that sense)

- Don Muraco & Lou Albano vs. Jimmy Snuka & Arnold Skouland: No Idea how to spell that last one. (Not like that) This is from December 1983 in New York, and is a rematch from the cage experience. Muraco dominates Arnie to start, but misses a corner charge, and gets tossed around. Cut to later, as Arnold decks Albano, and cradles Muraco for two. He tags Snuka, who stalls. Yawn. Headlock by The Rock, and a criss cross allows Snuka his big chop. Chinlock now, because they HATE me. The Captain tags in, and gloats, but doesn’t fare well with the Superfly. Low blow turns the tide, and Albano dominates. Don comes in while the refs back in turned, and drives a knee from the top into his head, to let Lou keep control. Muraco legally tags in, as Snuka becomes Ricky Morton. Don’t tell me they’re going to let Arnie be the house of fire! Slugfest won by Snuka (with a headbutt), but he gets pre-occupied with the Captain, so Teniel dropkicks him. A heel miscommunication allows the hot tag, and Arnold is indeed the house of fire, and Jimmy hits a flying bodypress of the Rock to end things at 8:15 (really 10:07), in a finish I could have called from 100 miles away. Match was nothing. DUD.

- Six Man Tag Team Match: Haystacks Calhoun, Peter Miavia & Larry Zbyszko vs. Butcher Vachon, Moose Monroe & Some other guy: This is from the Mid-70s. We’re just watching this to see some fat tub named Haystacks Calhoun, who was really fat. Not as fat as Yokozuna (even at 601 pounds), but still fat. And he’s teaming with The Rock’s grandpa, so I guess SOMEONE might care. (Nope, no one) Even if this tape came out before “The Rock” meant anything more than a dye-tied steroid freak. And no, I don’t mean Billy Graham. Anyway, the fat man uses a full nelson on Moose, and then a bearhug. Oh, this is fun. Larry tags in, and has a slugfest with the Monroe, and wins. Miavia tags in, and hits a gutbuster, then tags Haystacks, who splashes him for the pin at 2:01. Thank G-D they didn’t show much. DUD.

- 3/5 Falls 10-Man Tag Team Match: Mr. Fuji, Ray Stevens, Don Muraco, Buddy Rose & Billy Graham vs. Rocky Johnson, Pedro Morales, Jimmy Snuka, Andre the Giant & Slavatore Balombo (?): This looks pretty old, maybe early 80s, and is in Philli. Rocky beats up Fuji to start, but doesn’t raise the People’s Eyebrow at all. Damn shame. Rose tags in, but gets arm dragged around by Rocky Sr. Stevens takes the same, and we cut to later, as Snuka dominates Muraco. The problem with this one is that they dub Monsoon’s commentary over the match, and therefore kill ALL ring noise and/or crowd noise. Lousy WWF! Pedro beats up Muraco too, and I’ll assume the crowd liked it. Andre tags, and you can SEE the crowd pop! He kicks Muraco out (literally), as the crowd goes nuts. A criss cross leads to Don performing anal-rape on the big man, but his ass is too big, and knocks Muraco into a tag to Stevens. All I have just typed is true, and I have the video to prove it RIGHT HERE! (Kinda reminds me of that Eddie Murphy bit about Mr. T threatening to break guys’ dicks off with his ass cheeks, if he were gay. That’s about how I’d imagine someone trying to rape Andre going) Cut forward, as Muraco dominates Salvatore, and tags Rose, who airplane spins him. The whole team kills the poor guy, making him the Morton of this team. Snuka tags in, and has it out with Stevens. That doesn’t go well for the heel, so he tags Don. He has no luck, either, and the faces take turns beating on him. Andre headbutts him over the top, but he gets his head caught in the ropes, ala Mick Foley in 1994. Must have been retaliation for the rape. Cut to Fuji belly to bellying Salvatore, and pinning him, at 6:12. Cut further in, as Fuji continues to dominate him, but Snuka sends some help in via a flying dropkick to pin Fuji at 6:53. Rose and Snuka go, and Jimmy nails a sunset flip for the pin at 7:57. More Snuka vs. Rose, Buddy BLOWs him AWAY with a headlock. I know, it’s cheap, but I had to work it in. Andre and Fuji both tag in, and you can guess who’s scarred of who. Fuji actually does well for himself, and tags Muraco in, and the whole heel side cheats on the big man. Andre ends up slamming Don off the top however (Don is doing all the work this whole match!), and tags Rose. Andre uses Snuka’s head (literally) to knock Rose out, and then sits on Buddy to end it all at 10:14. No classic, but not a bad match. *. Was Graham injured or something?

- Bottom Line: What? Are you kidding me? Some interesting, historic stuff, but nothing to make you stop and look twice.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid