HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: The Best of the WWF, Volume X

- The HITMAN383 Rant for the Best of the WWF, Volume X. Continuing the series, here is this one. To note, I wish the WWF was still coming out with the “Best of the WWF” series. It lasted until like, 1991, I think. And then that was it. Damn shame. (Originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- That damn, damn Star Wars opener to … well … open.

- Your Host is Mean Gene.

- Six Man Tag Team Match: Jimmy Jack Funk, Hoss Funk & Jimmy Hart vs. Ricky Steamboat, The Junkyard Dog & The Haiti Kid: From the Boston Garden. Steamboat starts with Jimmy Jack, but gets caught in the wrong part of town. He’s a house of fire, however, to comeback. He slams both Funk’s around, to loud ring noises, as it sounds like a freakin’ garbage can here. (I remember when I went to my first house show, at nine years old in December 1994, that was my first impression – being surprised how damn loud the ring was) That clears the ring, as the faces high-five eachother. Jack and Ricky again, and he chops him down. JYD tagged in, and he tosses Haiti onto Jimmy Jack for a two count. The crowd is pumped for this one, but I can’t really see why. Hoss gets is now, and gets bitten in the ass by the midget. Yep, it’s a full-blown comedy match, now. Steamer comes in and chops, but Dory doesn’t seem to know HOW to sell it. Dropkicks for everyone by the Dragon, and we cut to him dominating Jimmy Jack. Funk gets a clothesline in, however, and drops some fists. Hoss is in, and dominates with uppercuts. European style! That gets two, and he tries a piledriver, but takes a backdrop. Suplex by the Dragon, and a small package for two. Jimmy Jack tags in, and topples Steamboat for a two count. High knee, and a fist drop for two. Hoss with more uppercuts, but Ricky comes back with chops. Hot tag to the Dog, who dominates Jimmy Jack. Falling headbutt for two, when Hart saves. Russian leg sweep by Dog, which ends up hurting Dog too, since he isn’t used to workrate. He still manages a two count. Big lariat (nice one, too) for two, as Hart saves again. Jimmy Jack catches him with a knee, and tags Hart. He actually goes to work, but JYD no-sells it, and atomic drops him. Haiti tags in, and controls, using a karate chop for two. A six-man brawl breaks out, won by the faces, but Hoss uses a mega-phone to allow Hart an easy pin on Haiti at 11:02. Nothing match. ½*.

- Bob Orton vs. Tito Santana: Again, from the Boston Garden, probably at the same show as the above match. Orton is at 245 pounds, and Tito at 244. How the hell? Orton’s got a good deal more size. Long feeling out process to start off, and then Bob takes over. Tito pulls out clothesline for two, and an armdrag into an armbar. Orton bails out, drawing big boos. Gee, calm down! We cut to later, as Bob rams him into the corner. Hip toss out, and a flying headscissors. Cut to later, while Tito is still in the headscissors, meaning it was probably a VERY long hold. He breaks, and tries another, but misses, getting crotched. Punch knocks Orton over the top, and over the rail, knocking the whole rail over. Man, it was weakly built, wasn’t it? It just TOPPLED. (Someone should do a GIF on the evolution of wrestling guardrails – from a thin rope to the giant barricades of today) Inside, Tito rolls him up for two, and locks an armbar. Cut to later, still in the armbar. Slugfest won by Bobby, to big boos. Man, he had BIG heel heat, huh? He gets caught in a backslide for two, and into an armbar again. Bob atomic drops out, but he misses a corner charge. Santana works the arm-shoulder some more, but gets his eyes raked. Bob dumps him to the floor (unpadded, BTW), and into the rail again, again knocking it over. Boy, the security guards are gonna get PISSED, because they keep have to setting it up. Oddly, the fans don’t charge the wrestlers like today (even without the security watching them), and just hang back. Not like today, I’ll tell ya. Inside, Orton drops him on the top rope. Chinlock, and we cut to later in the chinlock. Tito atomic drops out, but gets put right back in. Enthralling. Santana escapes, and works the leg, completely forgetting about the arm. So why did you spend AN HOUR working on it? Figure four, but Ace makes the ropes. Leglock now, by Tito. Orton goes to work now, and they have a slugfest. Tito wins, for those who care, but the bell sounds at 16:54. Huh? They keep fighting, and Tito dumps him, as we hear that it was a time-limit draw. I guess it was about 20 - 30 minutes, without the cutting. Boring, boring match, which I call at a DUD.

- King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd vs. The Machines: Once again, in the Boston Garden. The Machines (Blackjack Mulligan as “Big,” and Demolition Ax as “Super”) dominate both heels to start, and actually slam Studd. Long stallfest, after that. And I mean LONG. Damn, that must have been a crappy house show. And the ring is GIGANTIC here, too. Bundy beats up a Machine, and tags Studd who does the same. He gets knocked over with a clothesline, however, and pounded. Both tag out, and stall some more. Oh, goodie. Bundy misses an avalanche, and takes a back elbow. He does one of his own, and tags Studd. Slugfest won by the Machine, and the other Machine tags in. Stuff happens, none of which really matters. A heel miscommunication spot, and the heels tease a fight. Big pop for that, but Heenan breaks things up. Bundy tries to make the faces have the same miscommunication, but they outsmart him. The heels outsmart HIM, however, nailing him during a slow criss cross. They control the Machine, and try to unmask him. To no avail, however. Bundy misses an elbow, and Machine makes the tag. He’s a house of fire! Four-man brawl won by the Machines, and a flying back elbow hits, but Heenan runs in to break up the count at two, causing the heels to be DQ’d at 9:06. Great. Slow, boring match. DUD.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Dream Team vs. Dan Spivey & Mike Rotondo: The Boston Garden, again. Gee, if I wanted to see a crappy house show, MECW is RIGHT THERE! I guess, since that show drew a good-sized crowd, they’d show 100 matches from it. I’m assuming Spivey became Mike’s partner after Windham since, well, they look alike. A lot. (Spivey looks like so many people. Austin. Hogan. Windham. He’s a chameleon!) Basic wrestling to start with Mike and Brutus. The faces work the arm, with nothing more inspired than armbars. Greg catches Dan with a back elbow, and the ref. actually doesn’t see a heel tag (which WAS made), and calls them on it. Man, I’ve never seen THAT before. Mike’s a house of fire on Greg, and he dropkicks him out (poorly, however), as we get a shot of Monsoon, wearing the UGLIEST blue suit, EVER! Think Jim, in American Pie (the first one). (He’s got nothing on classic Vinnie Mac, and his canary-yellow ensembles, though) Inside, Mike becomes Ricky Morton. For a LONG time, with nothing special happening. Boooooring. Sleeper by Beefcake, but Mike breaks by dumping him into the corner. Brutus tags, but Mike can’t make it, so he gets beat up some more. Whoopee! He reverses a suplex, and makes the warm tag to Spivey. The usual goes down. Mike’s back in (why? He was just in for SOOO long) for an airplane spin for two, as Beefcake saves. Brutus tags in, and so does Dan. The heels cheat to get him down, but Brutus’s cover only gets two. Some shenanigans with this dumb ass ref. leads to Beefcake rolling up Dan for the pin at 11:28. Yawn. DUD.

- Billy Jack Haynes vs. Brutus Beefcake: I already yawn. This is from MSG. Valiant distracts Billy Jack to start (and like an idiot, he looks over) which allows Beefcake to Pearl Harbor him. (Gorilla was starting to take over my brain here, apparently) Can’t say he didn’t have THAT coming. He goes to work, but gets thrown into the corner. He keeps control, however, only to miss a 2nd rope fist drop. Sunset flip by Haynes for two, but Brutus rams him into the corner. Suplex reversed, but he STILL can’t take control, and Brutus keeps the upper hand. Side suplex for two, and a headvice. He tries a slam, but Billy topples him for two. Still, the jobber can’t get the upper hand. Beefcake with a clothesline for two, but he gets rammed into the turnbuckle pad. Haynes with a clothesline of his own, and NOW he dominates. He tries his damnedest to rile the crowd, but to no avail. Poor guy. Slam and a leg drop by Haynes. 2nd rope knee drop for two, but Valiant trips him up, causing a DQ at 6:28. Nothing match, up at least it wasn’t too long. ¼*.

- Jimmy Jack Funk & Mr. X vs. Haku & Tama: From the Boston Garden, at a different card than the other matches. Obviously, too, since the building is DARK for this one, and bright lit for the other. Between Volume IX, and this, he’s become Haku. Oddly, a female ref. for this match, which isn’t very common. Tama does the usual feeling out shit with Mr. X for a LONG time, which is a big sign, meaning this may take a while. Criss cross lets Tama chop him, and tag Funk. For those still wondering, it’s Terry. (Um, no. It’s not) Tama dominates with dropkicks, and tags Haku. Haku clotheslines him to the floor, and just off the bump you have to know it’s Terry, in case their was any doubt. I mean he’s wearing a freakin’ ZORRO mask! It’s just his freakin’ eyes covered! (Well, apparently it was good enough, because it fooled you, young-me) The Islanders dominate Mr. X with some tandem stuff. Backbreaker by Haku for two, and Tama backdrops him. X tags Funk, who doesn’t have much luck. Tama rolls him up for three, but it was off cue, so the match continues. Tama gets nailed off of a criss cross, and becomes Ricky Morton. Backbreaker by Jimmy Jack for two, saved by Haku. Chinlock by X now. Funk with a shoulderbreaker, and a 2nd rope fist drop for two. Tama manages a sunset flip, but only for one. Neckbreaker by Terry for two. He tries again, but gets suplexed. He makes the tag, but the ref. misses it, of course. Double clothesline for Funk and Tama, and both tag. Back elbow (called a “flying elbow” by Monsoon, for some reason), and a slam for two. Suplex, and Tama hits a GREAT Superfly splash for the win at 11:41. Decent, but WAY too long. They could have packed that one into about five minutes, easy *.

- Roddy Piper vs. A.J. Petrucci: This is from Superstars (in a tiny, 1995-ish RAW building), during Piper’s return to the WWF as a face. Big pop for him. A.J. makes the dumb mistake of slapping Piper, so Roddy puts one hand behind his back, and beats the holy hell out him that way! For the whole match, as the crowd chants “Roddy” non-stop! This is just an absolute ass-kicking. He takes one hand out for the final spot (an axe handle smash) for the pin at 2:25. Total DUD, but cute.

- Monsoon (in an ugly, Vince McMahon-esque, blue WWF suit) and Heenan explain the happenings of the Piper/Adrian Adonis Pit vs. Flower Shop feud. First, we see Piper get beaten up in the pit by Adonis and his thugs. Cut to later, as Piper destroys the flower shop with a ball bat to huge pops. Famous, famous stuff. Then, Piper was abusing Jimmy Hart on the Pit, so Adrian attacks, and puts him in the sleeper. Later, Piper attacks him during a Superstars squash, and beats the holy hell out of him, in a locker room clearing brawl. Most of this is available on WrestleMania III, which is a better tape, overall. (Awesome feud! I love vintage Piper)

- Roddy Piper vs. Don Muraco: From the Boston Garden, from the same card as the first few matches. Muraco was one of Adonis’ thugs, so you can guess how this cam about. Piper kills him to start, popping the crowd, and starting a “Roddy” chant. The ref. interferes, so Piper threatens to deck HIM, too! He busts out a dropkick on Muraco (who’s sporting a beard here), and dumps him to the floor. He uses a chair on “The Rock,” and then climbs in to break the count. Don gets back in, and punched around some more. Bulldog by Piper, as Muraco humps the mat. Huh? Just then, my tape cuts at 3:30, I guess for degenerate-ish-ness by Muraco. Realistically, it’s Blockbuster! I’m gonna go down there RIGHT NOW! (I believe that’s now a Verizon outlet store, so good luck with that) From what I saw, about ½*.

- That was the end of the tape, anyhow.

- Bottom Line: Despite missing a few minutes of the final match, I’m confident it wasn’t looking to be a ***** classic to save the tape. I can pretty assuringly say that this is a terrible tape, with a bunch of BAD house show matches, and nothing standing out as good.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.