WCW Great American Bash 2000

From Baltimore, Maryland; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, and Mark Madden.

Opening WCW Cruiserweight Title Match: Lieutenant Loco v Disqo: So, basically, Chavo Guerrero Jr versus Disco Inferno, for this who don't speak 2000-WCW. Loco controls with a bodypress early, but takes a stungun when he charges. Disqo hammers him, but a headscissors knocks him out to the floor - where the Misfits in Action abuse him. Inside, Loco hits an Olympic slam for two, and a side suplex for two. Disqo gets tossed, and Loco follows with a flying bodypress, but gets jumped by the Filthy Animals out there. Inside, Disqo hits a bodyslam, and the 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop gets two. Out wanders Pops (our designated dirty old man for this contest) to try and hit on the various valets at ringside, but he ends up getting knocked out by Konnan. That distracts the referee long enough for the Misfits to take Disqo out, and Loco retains via pinfall at 4:59. Geez, did a five minute opener really need THAT MUCH overbooking? For fucks sake... ¼*

#1 Contender's Match: The Mamalukes v KroniK: Brawl to start, with KroniK cleaning house. The dust settles on Johnny the Bull and Bryan Clarke to start, and Clarke hammers him in the corner before hitting a uranage. Diving shoulderblock knocks Johnny out of the ring, and Clarke follows for a weak Russian legsweep against the rail. Inside, Johnny catches him with a dropkick, and tags Big Vito for a double-team. Vito is actually still wearing his WCW Hardcore Title belt as he battles Clarke - which kind of sums up the amount of effort and attention they're giving this match. Tag to Bryan Adams, and he hits Johnny with a full-nelson slam. Back to Clarke with a running powerslam two, and Adams with a nice press-gutbuster for two. Cheap shot from Vito allows Johnny a DDT, and he tags. Vito works him over with as much as his title belt caused limited mobility allows him to, but he misses a charge in the corner, and takes a double-team backdrop. Adams with a nasty death valley DDT for two, but Vito hits the mafia kick, and tags. Johnny with a powerslam on Clarke, but a springboard bodypress misses, and KroniK finish him with High Times at 9:21. Energetic, and some nice spots from both KroniK members, but it completely lacked flow. *

Ambulance Match: Diamond Dallas Page v Mike Awesome: First man to stuff his opponent into an ambulance wins. They both decide to take out the referee right away - which is kind of cruel, considering there are no disqualifications anyway. They take advantage of the referee-free situation by brawling to the outside, and then inside with the referee recovered, they trade chairshots - further underscoring how stupid it was to bother taking him out. Awesome with a flying frogsplash, and he adds a second for good measure. Third one, but Page rolls out of the way, so Kimberly bounces down to whack him with a pipe. That draws Miss Hancock out (Stacy Keibler) to brawl with Kim, and Mike tries to powerbomb Dallas off the top rope, but ends up getting Diamond Cut down. That's enough to get Awesome onto the stretcher, but before Page can load him into the ambulance, Kanyon (whose honor DDP is defending here, after Awesome threw him off of the triple cage at Slamboree) attacks Page to turn on him, and Awesome loads him into the ambulance at 9:36. This match was like a shitty movie with lots of stunt cameos to try and make it look more interesting than it was. ¼*

Boot Camp Match: Shawn Stasiak v GI Bro: Basically a Last Man Standing match - first man unable to answer the ten count loses. Stasiak attacks Bro (Booker T) in the aisle, but inside, Bro clotheslines him, and hits a bodyslam. Another clothesline buts Shawn on the outside, and do the usual brawl around ringside punch-kick-whip bullshit. Bro with a flying axehandle on the way back in for an eight count, and he adds a ten-punch in the corner. Outside again, Shawn suplexes him onto a piece of the entrance set, but Bro beats the count. Stasiak with a flying clothesline on the way back in, but Bro beats the count at nine. Vertical suplex is reversed by Bro, and both guys are down - both beating the count. Shawn tosses him to the floor again for more aimless brawling - likely because he didn't think it was obvious enough to everyone watching that he has no clue how to structure a match. Inside, Stasiak hits a gutwrench powerbomb, but Bro beats the count, so Shawn tries a sleeper. Bro escapes with an Olympic slam, and adds the Harlem sidekick. Uranage, but Shawn beats the count at seven. Missile dropkick draws Chuck Palumbo out to stop the count, and they beat Bro down - only for Bro to whack them both with a barbell for the win at 13:57. Terribly boring. You'd think a match that's booked as a brawl until one man can't continue would HAVE to be at least a little interesting, right? You'd be wrong. ¼*

Best of Five Tables Match: Shane Douglas v The Wall: Shane tries attacking before the bell, but Wall shrugs him off, and press slams him. Shane tries a neckbreaker, but gets shrugged off again, so he throws a high knee. That doesn't do much either, so Douglas rakes the eyes, and manages a forward-falling suplex. He hits a vicious looking inverted somersault necksnap (perfectly safe, but visually impressive), then clotheslines Wall out of the ring. He tries for a table, but Wall blocks, and chokeslams him through one instead. Wall quickly slams him through another table, and Shane tries to evade him before he can make it three. Wall chases him over to the entrance set, and they end up climbing a random ladder set up next to a stack of tables - Wall falling off, and through a triple stack of tables at 8:12. Well, he technically only broke through two, but if it means this match is over, and that I never, EVER have to watch it again, I'm fine with pretending - just like I pretended that the ending wasn't a terribly convoluted piece of shit. DUD

Handicap Asylum Match: Scott Steiner v Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott: Scott starts with Tank, and quickly overhead suplexes him. Belly-to-belly suplex follows, but Rick breaks it up. He and Tank hammer Scott, and work to stay at the exact center of the ring, so as not to get crushed by the descending mini 'asylum' cell. The cell closes (a circular mess cage, that cuts the ring into about a third), and they continue to unload on Scott. Tank grabs a chain, but Rick protests, and Scott ends up getting it for a knockout - finishing Abbott with the Recliner at 3:47. Not really sure what they were going for, but it wasn't good, whatever it was. -*

Hollywood Hulk Hogan v Billy Kidman: Wow, less than a year, and he's already back to the black and white Hollywood look again - complete with beard. If Hogan loses, he must retire. And his nephew, Horace, is the special referee. Listening to the announcers try to convince us that Hogan is in any way in jeopardy is worth the price of admission alone. He towers Kidman by a foot, and already squashed him before! And it's not like they work to build any drama in the ring, either, as Hogan just destroys him at the bell (Kidman overselling everything like a champ), and hits the big boot to knock him out to the floor. Inside, Hulk chokes him, so Kidman rakes the eyes, and does some choking of his own. Hogan quickly shrugs him off and unloads with the weight belt (really laying into him, too) until poor Kidman bails. Hulk gets a chair, but Kidman dropkicks it into his face, and whacks him with it a couple of times. Hulk shrugs that off and whips him into the rail, but Kidman blocks a bodyslam on the way back in with a DDT on a chair for two. Flying splash gets two, and that's apparently all Hogan wants to give him, because HULK UP!! Fists of Fury! Ten Punch Count! Cross Corner Clothesline! Hiptoss Through The Announce Table! Torrie Wilson joins us to pass Hogan a set of brass knux, but Kidman gets them, and smacks Hulk with them for two. He knocks out Horace with them next, but here's Torrie to blow him low, and Hogan uses the knux for the pin at 11:40. Literally the only good thing about this overbooked squash was Kidman's selling. Better than Slamboree, at least. ¼*

Ric Flair v David Flair: If Ric loses, he must retire. He's also finally switched back to actual wrestling gear for this, so no loafers and slacks tonight. They actually fight over an overhead wristlock early, and Ric controls through a reversal sequence. David with some chops, but Ric botches the flip in the corner, and has to slide out of the ring in embarrassment. David follows for a whip into the rail, and rolls him in for a hanging vertical suplex. Sleeper, but Ric side suplexes his way out, and wrecks his son with chops in the corner. David manages to clothesline him out, and Vince Russo dives on him with a baseball bat, then handcuffs Flair before rolling him back in for David to finish. Young Flair with chops, and he locks on the Figure Four. The referee forces a break for using the ropes, however - which seems kinda silly considering Ric is handcuffed. Reid Flair pops out of the crowd to blow Russo low and steal the keys to the cuffs, and Ashley Flair (Charlotte) attacks Russo on the floor to make sure he stays out of things. Inside, Ric hits a backdrop, and David gets his chance at botching the Flair Flip as well before Ric finishes with the Figure Four at 10:16. Overbooked, of course, but entertaining. I'd have liked to see just a standard match (as in, without all the loads of overbooking), because the portions of it that we saw were actually going along pretty well. ¾*

Human Torch Match: Sting v Vampiro: First guy to set the other on fire wins, with the literal torch placed at the top of the gigantic entrance set. No, really. Because three retirement matches on one show would be overkill, I guess. Vampiro attacks at the bell, and hits a spinheel kick, but takes a powerslam when Sting reverses a cross corner whip. Bulldog, but Vampiro manages to block the Stinger Splash with a boot. Sting gives it another try, so Vampiro simply sidesteps, and then covers him with gasoline as he's left slumped over the ropes. They fight over to the entrance area as Tony Schiavone declares that he 'wishes you could be here in the Baltimore Arena, because it's deathly silent.' Well, there's one way to sell tickets. Just have people bring their copies of Have a Nice Day, and offer them a quiet, relaxing place to read. That'll put butts in seats. He then follows it up with 'I don't think anyone wants to see this,' which is just too spot on to even make fun of properly. Anyway, Sting and Vampiro climb the entrance set, and Sting gets knocked off from about halfway up, and onto a padded landing. He shrugs that off and climbs again, and both guys make it to the top - way up there. They slug it out up there, but suddenly, the lights start flickering on and off, and Sting switches places with a stuntman - Vampiro lighting 'Sting' on fire, and throwing him off the entrance set at 7:23. Of course, Jesus then brought Sting back to life, before banishing him to hell ('TNA') later. Speaking of hell, this needlessly dangerous, total stunt show of a match has got to be pretty close to the real thing. -**

Main Event: WCW World Title Match: Jeff Jarrett v Kevin Nash: Ernest Miller is the outside enforcer for this, since nothing strikes fear in the heart of baddies like a bad James Brown impersonator in ruby red slippers and a cravat. Nash dominates in the corner early, and a clothesline knocks Jarrett out of the ring. Kevin follows to ram him into the post, but Jeff reverses, and they fight into the crowd. Back to ringside, The Filthy Animals attack Nash to damage the knee, and inside the ring, Jarrett works on it. Figure four, but Nash blocks, so Jarrett tries a half crab instead. Nash makes the ropes, so Jarrett goes back to the figure four - successfully this time. Kevin still makes the ropes, so Konnan pops him with the ring bell for give Jeff two. Nash powers up with a sidewalk slam for two, and a shot with the title belt for two, but the Animals pounce again, and the referee ends up getting taken out. Jarrett covers the fallen Nash for a Miller-counted nearfall, so the Animals pounce again to finish the job. Nash fights them all off, but the distraction allows Jarrett to hit the Stroke - only getting two. He goes for his trusty guitar, but Nash blocks with a chokeslam - Miller refusing to count by faking an eye injury. Nash Powerbombs him, and adds a big boot for Jarrett, and a Powerbomb of his own, but now Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott run in to stop the count. Everyone gangs up on Nash for a Royal Rumble '94 style beat down (which is somewhat ironic), but now Goldberg shows up in a fucking monster truck - which seems a tad contrived, considering it slows him down in trying to make any sort of save. Oh, but he's here to spear Nash instead, and Jeff pins him at 17:22. Yeah, 'cause that's what the world was waiting for: a Goldberg heel turn. God, they deserved to go out of business. There were parts of this that were awesome. Unfortunately, they took place solely in my mind, and involved nuclear warheads wiping WCW off the face of the earth nine months early. –¼*

BUExperience: For those of you keeping track, WCW hasn’t put on a good pay per view (or even, anything higher than a ‘DUD’) since Spring Stampede in April of 1999 – over a year. And, unfortunately, this gimmick overload of a Bash does not break the streak.

DUD