HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: The Best of the WWF Volume IX

- The HITMAN383 Rant for The Best of the WWF: Volume IX. As promised we get back to the late 80s collection of Coliseum tapes. (Originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- The usual Star Wars type opening. As a note to some who have asked: No, I don’t like Star Wars. I happen to be a big movie buff, but those four films have never greatly appealed to me. As I’ve said before, the Godfather films are my favorites, as well as Goodfellas, Rain Man & One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Honorable Mentions: Pulp Fiction & The Graduate. (Yeah, still don’t really care for Star Wars. Have seen them all, and I have nothing ‘against’ them, but just never got into them the way most people tend to. Would today consider Godfather Part II and Apocalypse Now Redux the best films ever made)

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Johnny Valiant.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat: HELL YEAH! This is joined in progress from Toronto, as Steamboat works the arm. A criss cross allows us to see a glimpse of the “arm-Dragon,” as he stays on the arm of the champ. This is obviously one of the “practice” house show matches leading to the classic at WrestleMania III. A shoulderblock gets two for Steamboat, and he does back to the arm-drags and armbars. See, that’s what they do. They do a cool practice sequence for WM III, and then go back to the armbars. Then, at the big show, they do all the big spots, with a lot less of the “in betweens.” Steamboat busts out a victory roll for two, and goes to the armbar. Odd spot, as Savage gets to the ropes to break, but the ref. kicks his hand off. What the hell? That’s perfectly legal! You make the ropes to escape a hold! Damn ref. Savage breaks out the hardway, with punches, and then kicks him in the head, right on target. Ouch. We cut to later, as Steamboat hits a hip-toss, and then a DEEP arm-drag. He gets shot into the corner, however, and dumped to the concrete by the champ. Back in, Savage controls, and hits the axe handle for two. He goes up again, but gets nailed on the way down, and then beat all the way to the floor. He throws him into the crowd, and then into the post, busting Macho open! While they’re on the floor, and fighting by the apron, we see how HIGH the ring was for this show. I mean, it’s a good two feet more than normal, for whatever reason. (Might have been a platform? Haven’t seen this in a while, and don’t remember. Still higher > those super low WCW rings from Worldwide in the mid-90s) Back in, Steamboat hits the top rope chop for two, as the crowd goes wild. A reverse knife-edge gets another two, but Savage throws the Steamer right into the ref! That starts a “Steamboat” chant, which Macho responds to by suplexing the Dragon. He tries to slam, but Steamboat hooks a small package, which looks the finish, but the ref. is hurt, and the delayed count only gets two. Backslide attempt by Steamboat gets another close two, as Savage takes some foreign object out of his tights. He uses it on the challenger, who’s blinded by whatever it was, but still managed to blindly backdrop Macho to the floor. And it’s a LONG way down with this particular ring, and no mats on the floor. Gotta love 80s Macho Man! Savage drags him out, too, and throws Steamboat to the announce table. They slug it out on the floor, won by Savage, but they both fall in a heap off of a Macho slam attempt, and race to get back in. Steamboat gets back in first, and wins by count-out at 15:17. Why? When Steamboat comes back in, that should break the count, but it didn’t. I love how they make up the rules as they go along in wrestling. The match was by NO means a classic, but is worth watching in order to see some of the “practice” for the classic it led to. **.

- The Hart Foundation vs. The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff: From Boston, with the old “guard-rails 20 feet from the ring.” Nikolai sings the Soviet anthem to start off, a gimmick Bret would steal some ten years later. And, much like WrestleMania VI, the Harts jump the heels during the singing. Unlike WM VI, they don’t squash them in 26 seconds, however. This was right around the Hart’s face turn, as they weren’t OFFICIALLY faces yet, but were getting face reactions already. Bret dominates Nikolai with a dropkick, so he tags out to the Sheik. He misses a punch, and flies over the top to the floor off of it. Nice spot there. Inside, a heel miscommunication goes down, and the Harts continue to dominate. Bret backbreakers him, and tries the 2nd rope elbow, but Volkoff stops THAT. That causes a brawl between all the participants, and the heels to get control. Sheik nails him with some clotheslines, all while drawing big heel heat. Nikolai gets tagged in, and pounds Bret Morton. Bret manages a gorgeous sunset flip, but the ref. is distracted by the heels’ manager, Slick, and doesn’t count. Sheik comes back in for an abdominal stretch, and then hits his gutwrench suplex. He applies the Camel clutch, but the Anvil breaks it up to avoid a fall. The heels try to keep control, but Bret suplexes the Sheik (great one, too), and tags Jim in for the first time. He cleans house, and dropkicks Volkoff for two. A back elbow gets two, and all four men go at it now. The Harts dominate that, but some well-timed heel cheating allows Nikolai to splash Jim for the fall at 7:40. Bret was really impressive here, and this wasn’t bad at all. * ½.

- Boot Camp Match: Corporal Kirchner vs. Nikolai Volkoff: From Toronto, at the same show as the above Steamboat/Savage match. No DQ’s or count-outs are the stips here. Volkoff bails out right away, and a foot race pisses the crowd off. The corp. wins that, and beats the crap out of the Russian. A low blow stops THAT, however. Nikolai dominates for a while, not doing anything too inspired. He misses a corner splash, and Kirchner does some 80s face offense. That translates to “punches,” BTW. He misses a 2nd rope knee drop, and gets hung up in the tree of woe. Kneeing occurs. The corporal gets dumped to the rampway, and slammed out there. Inside, I get bored. Back outside, I get further bored. Some weak chair shots help absolutely nothing. Even blood on the part of Kirchner (albeit, very badly done) can’t help this crap. Inside, Nikolai takes his belt off, which causes his pants to start to fall off. Oh, COME ON! He uses the belt in the usual manner, all while trying to keep his pants on. A sunset flip by Mr. Air force gets two, and a low blow follows. Another follows, as Nikolai’s blue “fruit of the looms” are now visible to everyone. Kirchner misses a corner charge, flying to the floor, in the old Sgt. Slaughter bump. The corp. takes his boot off, and whacks Volkoff with it to get the win at 11:21. Oh my G-D that sucked. -****. (I’d have liked Nikolai better if he had anal-backwards as his manager)

- Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Junkyard Dog, Jimmy Snuka & Andre The Giant vs. Ken Patera, Big John Studd & Jesse Ventura: From March of 1985, prior to WrestleMania I, at the Garden. The Dog beats up Patera to start, and then brings Andre in to further the beating. A big boot kills him, and the JYD comes in for some of his headbutts, which puts Ken on the floor for some stalling. Lots of stalling. Finally, a big brawl breaks out, with Andre cleaning house. That doesn’t help the Dog, however, as he’s still getting the crap kicked out of him. Ventura pounds away, but when he hits him in the head, he sells the hurt it puts his hand in, due to the thick skull. Snuka tags in, and dominates the Governor. 2nd rope first drop connects, but a thumb to the eye turns the tide. Jimmy gets caught in the wrong part of town (the heel corner, for those unfamiliar with “Gorilla speak”), and choked. Studd tags in, and slams the Superfly for two. Bearhug applied, as I start to dose off. Andre breaks it up pretty quickly, thankfully, but Snuka can’t make the tag, so Ken comes in and does what? A bearhug. Dumb fuck. Jesse comes back in, and does what? You guessed it! A bearhug! Oh, I hate this match right now! Three damn bearhugs IN A ROW! Studd tags in again, and bearhugs the Superfly again. Dear G-D (…). Andre FINALLY gets tagged in, to hopefully end this, and he annihilates Studd. Smart booking says Studd pins Andre, preferably with a slam. None of that happens, however, as Jesse tags back in, and takes the Superfly splash to end this at 10:17. Oh, you bet this sucked. -**. (Ugh. This sounds God awful)

- King Tonga and Sivi Afi vs. King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd: From New York. This better be a two-minute squash, or I’ll be pissed. Studd dominates Tonga (a young Haku/Meng), but Tonga fights back, and nearly slams John a couple of times. Damn, they barely let ANDRE do that, but freakin’ HAKU gets to? TWICE? Studd takes control, however, and slams Tonga around for a bit, as we’ve already gotten to the three-minute mark. Tonga comes back with superkicks and chops, all of which Studd sells. Now if only the Undertaker would sell like that for guys half his size! Tonga easily slams him (!!), and tries again, but this time it fails. Sivi (A Jimmy Snuka look-alike) gets tagged in, and dumbly tries a slam, but it fails miserably. Bundy tags in, and does the usual. A high crossbody gets Sivi two, and he pounds King Kong. Damn, Bundy looks so YOUNG here. I just did Survivor Series 1994, and the difference over those ten-years is astounding. (Yeah, the wrestling business is not exactly a fountain of youth) Studd tags, and dominates Afi. Finally, Sivi escapes the big guys’ grasp, and Tonga gets the hot-tag. He does nothing, however, as King Kong drops a knee for two, and then the bell rings at 8:35. What? The ref. says it’s a pin, but I’m in confusion here as Tonga clearly kicked out at two. Even the wrestlers look confused, so I assume it was a screw up by the ref. Good one, however, as it ended the damn match! As for the match? Well, it could have been worse. It also could have been better. DUD.

- Midget Match: Cowboy Lang vs. Lord Littlebrook: (Littlebrooks name reminds me of that gag from The Sopranos, where Christopher refers to Jackie Jr as ‘Little lord fuckpants,’ leaving the FBI guys scrambling to figure out whose nickname that is) From New York. Littlebrook dominates to start, and then Lang dominates. You want a better description? Go buy the tape like I did! We eventually cut to later in the match, as Littlebrook holds an overhead wristlock, and then an armbar. This is like the outtakes from the Wizard of Oz, or something. As usual, the ref. gets bitten in the ass at some point, since this IS a midget match. More wristlocking, and annoyances to the poor referee. You know, I’ve never seen that ref. after this. I guess he quit wrestling after this crap. I don’t blame him. Eventually, Lang gets the win after a rollup at 6:15. DUD. I’d say negative stars, but they’re midgets, so I’d feel bad. I mean, it’s like making fun of the handicapped.

- $50,000 22-Man Battle Royal Match: From New York. The participants: Junkyard Dog, Harley Race, Billy Jack Haynes, King Kong Bundy, Sivi Afi, Brutus Beefcake, Bobby Heenan, Pedro Morales, Lanny Poffo, Mike Sharpe, Spot Moondog, Jimmy Hart, King Tonga, Big John Studd, The Dynamite Kid, Davey Boy Smith, Greg Valentine, Johnny Valiant, S.D. Jones, Tony Garea, Rex Moondog & Tony Atlas. We start with the usual fare, as Heenan and Valiant hide out. Everyone gangs up to eliminate Studd and Bundy right away, and then Heenan gets dumped. So much for Bobby’s faction. Everyone continues to go at it, with Jones getting tossed, and then we get a shot of Jimmy Hart hiding out under the ring. Well THERE’s a good strategy. Jerry Lawler would try it at the 1996 Royal Rumble, but it failed for him there via Shawn Michaels. Sharpe’s done for the night, as is Atlas. Johnny V.’s out, as Hart continues to hideout. Garea gets dumped by Tonga, as Dynamite unloads on Valentine. King Race goes home to collect his check, as does Sivi Afi. Dynamite does an AMAZING dropkick to get rid of the Moondog’s (BOTH of them), in a really cool spot. Good night Dynamite via Beefcake, as Jimmy continues to hide. Pedro’s next, thanks to the Hammer, and Brutus is next. Everyone left is a face (except Valentine), so they all gang up on him! He manages to dump Billy Jack, Tonga, Davey Boy and Poffo, however. Quite the showing there. Down to Greg, JYD & Hart (who’s still under the ring). JYD spots Jimmy, however, and drags him in the ring, but contends with Greg instead of Hart. That proves to be a mistake, however, as they end up eliminating EACHOTHER at the same time, and Jimmy Hart wins the thing at 12:53. He literally jumps with joy, dancing around the ring, as the MSG crowd starts up a LOUD “bullshit” chant. I don’t blame them, really. Cuteness of the ending aside, this was your usual fare. ½*.

- Bottom Line: Well, this started off well enough, with the first two matches being right on target, but boy did it go downhill from there. After the Hart Foundation’s tag match there is literally NOTHING to see here. Nothing. Avoid this tape.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.

- Question: Where’s Hulk on this tape? It’s not like them to leave him off for an entire 30-minutes, let alone an ENTIRE TAPE!