HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Inside the Steel Cage

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Inside the Steel Cage. This is another Coliseum tape, this time from about 1987. It’s the first in a series of 1986-87 tapes upcoming: This, Most Unusual Matches, Best of the WWF IX and X. I hope it’s fun.

(This one was originally written in 2001)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Old 80’s WWF video opener to start. Odd, Star Wars style stuff.

- Your Hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Johnny Valiant.

- Cage Match: Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd: This is joined in progress, as Andre rams him into the mesh. This is before the “blue bar” cage, but still during the period where these two sucked. Kind of a long period, isn’t it? Some biting causes Studd to blade, but he punches Andre. He tries a slam, but Andre knees his way out. He misses a poor falling headbutt, and John goes for the door, but Andre’s on him. He gets choked, however, as I fall asleep. This whole match is these two laying on the mat, holding eachother’s ankles. Studd gets half out the door, and Andre stops him. That goes on some more with about 1/100th of the intensity the Hart Brothers did it with. Finally, Andre slams him, and then goes to the top rope for a butt splash! Holy Shit! THAT was cool. He then easily walks out the door at 10:05. Well, the butt splash was pretty damn cool, but the rest is absolutely terrible. The last spot keeps it at -***, but without it, it would be over neg. four! (There’s a clipped version of this on Best of the WWF Vol. IV that has the ending, without having to sit through this whole piece of shit match)

- Cage Match: Andre the Giant vs. Kamala: Okay, what did I do to deserve this? This is also joined in progress, thank G-D. Nerve holds by Andre. He slams him, and does another top-rope butt splash, this time with a ropewalk! Cool! He then exits to win at 2:16. Thank G-D it was clipped! ¼* for the splash, but it’s more special the first time.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Cage Match: Don Muraco vs. Jimmy Snuka: Yes it’s THAT match. The match that a young Mick Foley hitchhiked to New York to see, and inspired him to become a wrestler. Joined in progress, as Don goes for the door. Jimmy stops him, and throws him into the post and the cage. Snuka slams him, and then goes to the 2nd rope for a fist drop. Both guys are busted open by this point, BTW. Snuka, however, makes the mistake of hitting a big headbutt, which knocks Muraco over the top, and out the door to give him the win at 2:13. Snuka drags him back in, however, and suplexes him. He then goes to the top of the cage, and in the now world famous spot, does the Superfly splash on the champ! Historical value alone makes this worth my time. Match was nothing, however, ½*. Obviously, Snuka had to get his revenge, but they didn’t want to put the title on him, so we get this cop-out ending. I would have put the belt on him myself, but whatever. (If I remember correctly, they didn’t want to put the belt on Snuka because he was considered unreliable, while Muraco wasn’t)

- Cage Match: Tito Santana & Bruno Sammartino vs. Randy Savage & Adrian Adonis: The heels dominate to start, as the announcer talk about how Bruno is the weak link on the face side. Okay. The faces comeback, as this is just an all-out brawl. Savage tries to go out the door, as does Adonis, but the faces stop it. Randy then tries to climb out, but the former worlds champion stops him. Tito climbs, but Adrian makes the save. Savage takes a Flair Flip into the corner, as Adrian suplexes Tito. He tries to climb, and Savage goes for the door at the same time. Bruno crotches Adrian, and Santana pulls Macho back in, as a result. Randy drops a top rope axe handle on Santana to bust him open, and everyone continues to brawl. Kind of a hard match to call, here. Savage blades on camera (This wasn’t such an issue back then, as people wouldn’t be able to make it out on the TVs they had in the 80s, but one thing I’ve noticed with watching old stuff on the Network, on a giant flat screen, is how much more easily you can ‘see the strings’ on the older stuff) thanks to Tito tossing him into the cage, and Adrian dives off the cage on Bruno, but misses. Bad spot there. Santana brawls on top with Randy, and knocks Savage into Adonis, which allows the faces to escape at 9:58. Weird match, but still decent. *.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Cage Match: Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana: Joined in progress as Greg goes to work throwing Tito into the mesh. He goes for the door, but Tito holds the ankle. They comes back in, and Greg tries the figure four, but Tito shoves him off. Crowd is gone, BTW. He climbs, and they brawl on the top, which Tito wins, and then jumps out to win the title at 2:37. DUD, from what was shown. Afterwards, Greg abuses the IC belt worse than Steve Austin ever did. Not much loss, however, since that design sucked.

- WWF Title Cage Match: Bruno Sammartino vs. George Steele: “From the Archives.” This is joined in progress, as Steele tries to escape, but Bruno pulls him off. Good bump for a 70’s match. Plus, have you ever noticed how close the fans are to the ring? It’s like under a foot! No rail even, they’re right at the apron! (Yeah, well, this was well before guys were doing somersault planchas and moonsaults out of the ring, or people were worried about hepatitis or AIDS) Cut to later, as Steele eats the turnbuckle, which Monsoon calls his “fetish.” I did NOT need to hear that. He hammers the champ, and does some headlocking and eye raking. What a classic! Finally, Bruno starts no-selling, and kicks the crap out of the Animal. He rams him into the post, and then pops out the door at 6:01 to win. Terrible match. -***.

- Cage Match: Bruno Sammartino vs. Roddy Piper: This time the fans are like TWENTY feet from the ring! Talk about two sides of the spectrum! (Yeah, then there were those baseball stadium shows, where the first row was a good mile from the ring) Big crowd though, but they take about nine hours to bring the two guys out. Piper, master of crowd working, comes out with a “Chicago Bears” t-shirt, and posters of the Bears. See, this was in Boston, and shortly after when the Bears beat Boston in the SuperBowl. Piper then proceeds to hang the posters up on the cage, pissing the crowd off. Beautiful! The former world champ attacks Piper off the bat, and tosses him around into the cage. Pipe blades under 30 seconds in, and Bruno shoves the posters up his ass. Literally. Big face heat for that! He chokes him with his own shirt to follow, and then spits on the Hot Rod. He goes for the door, but Roddy hits a low blow. Piper looks like a two-face at this point: he’s wearing half of a crimson mask, and he’s half normal. He keeps kicking him in the balls, just to be a punk, and then kicks him in the head. Chokes with the shirt follow, and he crawls to the door, but gets caught. He throws him in the cage as punishment, and tries to go out again, but Bruno’s right on his ass. He tries to climb next, but again the “Living Legend” stops him. Slugfest won by Bruno, and he tries the door, but Roddy stops him. They fight over the door, and Piper loses his trunks, and then gets thrown into the cage. He takes over, however, and bites Bruno, which makes him bleed too. Gee, pull up your tights, Piper. No one wants to see your “Hot Rod.” He climbs, but gets low blowed, and spasms on the mat while Bruno heads for the door. He’s half out, but Piper’s on him, so he uses a chair, and escapes at 8:38 to a big pop. Decent. *. (This sounds pretty awesome, actually. Looking forward to seeing it again, when I do a BUExperience)

- WWF Title Cage Match: Bob Backlund vs. Pat Patterson: From September 1979. Bob was WWF champ here, and Pat was the IC champ. They let us know, off the bat that Pat has EXTENSIVE background in the cage, but Bob has little. Okay. They fight over escapes right away, without much fighting before hand, and Pat gets thrown into the cage a bunch of times. More boring escape attempts, as I wonder why this is on this tape. Pat chokes him for a while, and then nearly climbs out (going about ¾ over), but Bob follows. They brawl up there, and Bob falls off, but Pat gets hung-up in tree-of-woe type position up there. Bob follows up again, and they brawl again, with Pat nearly falling out. Bob pulls him back in, and tries to escape, but a low blow stops that. We cut to later, as Pat pounds the champ on the mat until he bleeds. He climbs again, but Bob tugs him down. He’s still dead, however, so Pat keeps pounding the cut. They have a slugfest on the mat, which Bob wins, and a double shoulderblock kills both men. Both guys climb, and Bob’s ahead, so Pat climbs down and pulls him off. This is actually pretty fast-paced for 1979, but slow paced for 2001. (Yeah, have you ever tried watching some of those MSG shows from the 70s they have posted on the Network? Cure for insomnia, that stuff) Bob slingshots the IC title holder into the mesh, and tries to crawl out, but he’s pretty tired. He gets ½ there, but Pat’s on his ass (eww), and they slug it out again. Bob wins, and Pat eats cage to bust HIM open. Pat gets a cheap-shot, however, and climbs, but takes an atomic drop. Hey, it’s 1979, so it’s acceptable to use 70’s offense. He climbs, but Pat follows, and tries to use knux, but Bob stops him, and knocks him off. He falls off, too, however. He tries the door, but Pat’s on him, so he kicks him in the head, and jumps out at 13:20. Decent, considering this was 1979! *.

- WWF Title Cage Match: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy: From WrestleMania II. I’ve reviewed it before, but I’ll do it again. This is joined in progress, thank G-D. Bundy ribs Hulk’s rib-tape off, and chokes the champ with it. He goes for the door, but there’s Hulk, and he rams Bundy into the cage, so we can watch him blade on camera. Even Heenan see’s it, as he tries to cover it up with his hands. No dice, however. This was a big deal bladejob, apparently, back when this took place, but I don’t really see why. (Not at all. That was a tame bladejob compared to some of the gorefests you’d see at MSG shows. Who am I? Joe Frazier?) Does it bother anyone else that King Kong freakin’ Bundy headlined a WrestleMania? It bothers me! (Still think they should have blown off Hogan/Piper once and for all on this show. You could even have all Piper’s cronies booked for the New York or Chicago shows, that way guaranteeing Piper is trapped alone with Hogan in the cage) He tries to slam the big guy, but Bundy topples onto him. He goes for the door, as guest commentator Elvira continues to prove how incredibly stupid she is. Hulk stops him, but takes an avalanche in the corner, and the big splash. He goes for the door again, but again Hulk is there. Hogan takes another avalanche, but he no-sells, and powerslams Bundy! The leg drop hits, and he climbs, but Bobby Heenan gets in the way, so Bundy follows up. Hulk knocks him off, however, and jumps to the floor at 6:56. Decent enough, but nothing special. ½*.

- Bottom Line: Well, this is some really old footage here. I mean, some of it is pretty historic (like the Muraco/Snuka match, and some other moments), but overall, I don’t see any reason to go out and get this. I mean history is all well and good, but I want some good wrestling, too!

Recommendation to Avoid.

(That Bruno/Piper cage match sounds interesting. Everything else, notsomuch)