HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: Grudges, Gripes, and Grunts

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WWF/Coliseum Video Grudges, Gripes, and Grunts. It looks like your will is this, so be it. This tape came out in late 1993, and judging from the box, it seems like your average Coliseum tape. (This was originally written in early 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Your Host is Randy Savage in a WWF control room. I swear, the man’s a nutcase.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Jim Duggan: This is from RAW, in the summer of 1993, in the TINY Manhattan center that RAW used to be taped from every week. It is just a sad, ballroom, ECW-type building, that looks like it’s used for showing plays when the WWF isn’t holding RAW. (Don’t know if I’d describe it as ‘sad’… the Manhattan Center made for great atmosphere during the early RAWs) Shawn bails at every turn to start, as Duggan leads a “U.S.A.” chant, and we stall. For a LONG time. Finally, they start, and Jim catches him with a series of lariats, so Shawn bails out again. Great. He tries to grab the 2x4, but gets stopped, and continues his stall session. Inside again, Shawn oversells a punch, falling to the floor. That means more stalling, of course. Duggan, surprisingly, doesn’t seem to really care, and just keeps leading the “U.S.A.” chant. Shawn gets sick of this, and tries to run to the locker room, but Duggan drags him back. His response? Bail again. He manages to snap Jim’s neck on the ropes, then choke him out for a stint, and hit the Nash ropechoke spot. He hits a series of weak, non-connecting, knee drops, as I wonder who this shmock is, and what he’s done with Shawn Michaels. Oddly, this guy would have the MATCH OF THE YEAR in that same period, but hasn’t done two moves in the six minutes this match has been dragging on. (To be fair, that match (the Jannetty match) is grossly overrated, and is not close to MOTY for 1993)  Chinlock, so Duggan powers out, only to eat boot. Series of elbow drops gets the champion two, so he chinlocks him again. Yawn. Hacksaw powers out again, but eats knee this time. Shawn dumps him to the floor, and hits an axehandle out there. He goes in to relax, but Duggan ruins his rest, and comes in anyway. Shawn hammers away, and hooks yet ANOTHER chinlock. Guess what happens next. Yep, Jim powers out, and hits him with his fists. This is essentially the whole match. Duggan with a slam, and the football clothesline, which knocks Shawn to the floor. He walks, but gets stopped again, and they fight out there, where Duggan knocks him into the crowd. He goes back in, but Shawn just keeps walking, and gets counted out at 11:19. Okay, what the HELL was wrong with Shawn Michaels. The real Shawn Michaels would have done every move in his arsenal to try to beat Duggan, fail, and eventually get counted out due to frustration. Not this half-ass crap. (Shawn didn’t get really good until 1994/1995… 1993 Shawn was a chinlocky mess a lot of the time)  DUD. Afterwards, Duggan demands a re-match. Yeah, THAT’S what I want to see.

- Ric Flair vs. Tatanka: This looks to be off of Wrestling Challenge in late 1992/early 1993, towards the end of Ric’s first WWF run. (November 1992, to be exact)  Tatanka almost immediately goes into a mat-based headlock, but luckily it’s RIC FLAIR in there, and he rolls it over for two counts. He hooks his own submission, an overhead wristlock, but Tatanka powers out, and hooks an armbar. Flair makes the ropes, so Tatanka lets off, then hooks it again, so Flair goes low, then chops away. Snapmare, and a kneedrop hits. Tatanka comes back with chops of his own, and a backdrop, making Flair beg off. No dice, however, as Tatanka chops away, allowing Ric to flop. 10-punch count gets cut off at six, and Flair hits an atomic drop. He tosses Tatanka over the top, then drags him in, just to be a jerk. Snapmare gets two, and he armbars him. Tatanka fights out, but then Flair realizes, “HEY, I’m Ric Flair, damn it, only Hulk Hogan fights out of my moves” (YAPPAPI!) and tugs him right back into the hold. He goes right to the ropes, when the ref isn’t looking, of course. He gets caught, eventually, so he just casually dumps Tatanka out. Tatanka sunset flips back in for two, and then chops on the Nature Boy. He gets poked in the eyes, however, but still applies a sleeper to Flair. Ric side suplexes his way out, and they have a chopfest. Flair wins with a kneebreaker, and hooks the figure four. He gets a few two counts out of it, but Tatanka won’t quit, so Flair literally slaps him around. Tatanka reverses, however, so Flair makes the ropes, and bails out. In, chop gets two. Upstairs, but he gets caught, and slammed off. Well, duh. Chops, and he takes the Flip, then gets chopped again. Man, the crowd REALLY liked Tatanka. More chops, and he goes up top, but gets nailed on the big chop. Bodypress knocks both men to the floor, and get counted out at 12:49. Since Flair was on his way out, and Tatanka was undefeated, he probably should have jobbed to the Indian. Afterwards, he figure four’s Tatanka anyway, so Mr. Perfect comes out, and breaks it up. Nothing match, since I don’t think Flair felt like trying. ¼*.

- The Mega Maniacs vs. The Beverly Brothers: The Maniacs are the team of Hulk Hogan, and Brutus Beefcake, for those that don’t know. This looks like it’s off of a Wrestling Challenge taping around early 1993, leading up to WrestleMania IX. Pretty big pop for Hogan, but he has a hard time ripping his shirt off. No, really. It’s also before the eye injury for Hogan, and the mask-period for Brutus, so WM IX wasn’t actually Hulk’s in-ring return, this was, since it’s a video exclusive and the T.V. audience wouldn’t have seen it before WrestleMania. Still, wouldn’t Beefcake need the mask anyway, since that incident was what brought Hogan back to begin with? Whatever, I can’t rationalize the storylines. Beefcake starts with Beau, but the crowd wants Hogan, so he tags in. The usual heel miscommunication goes on, and Hogan dominates. Beefcake tags in, and gets beat up, but Blake misses some elbow drops, as this degenerates into a comedy match/rust remover for Hulk very quickly. Eventually the Beverly’s take over, working the face (yes, the FACE), which places this after the injury. So … where’s the mask? Hot tag to Hogan, who wastes no time to grab the megaphone, and whack Blake with it for the pin at 6:52. Oh come on. You’re telling me the immortal Hulk Hogan … a four time (then) world titlist needed to cheat to beat BLAKE BEVERLY?!? That’s just sad. As was this match. DUD. It also seemed to have a real identity crisis, going from a formula tag match to a comedy match, and back again a few times. After the match, they do the WrestleMania IX routine where Hogan wants to leave, but Brutus convinces him to pose, although he doesn’t want to. I guess they wanted to test the response, and it was pretty good, that’s for sure. He really worked the crowd into a cheering frenzy. Also notable: Jim Ross actually mentions several times this match how Hogan has lost a lot of size (muscle) since 1992, which I am quite surprised to hear considering how Hogan was usually pretty well protected around this period (I mean you couldn’t even mention his HAIR LINE for G-D’s sake!) (They might have well just put a graphic up with ‘STEROID FREE’ in giant letters every time he was onscreen for their subtlety)

- Mr. Perfect vs. Papa Shango: From early 1993, most likely. (March 1993)  Papa (The Godfather, today) jumps him from behind, and goes to work. Who would have thought, then, that both would still be in the WWF nine years later? Not me, that’s for sure. Hennig comes back with his truly perfect dropkick (to a big pop), knocking Shango to the outside. Perfect rams him into the steps, and chops away. Inside, he hammers away, but gets thrown into the corner (which he oversells, of course). Backbreaker, as he continues to focus on the lower back, which is excellent psychology, considering Curt’s injury. The only problem is that 99% of his offense is punches. Slam, and a slow series of elbow drops get two. Yawn. Chinlock by Shango. Double Yawn. That goes on for a while, but the hold is mildly compensated for with some good old-fashioned rope usage. At least he’s trying. The crowd isn’t trying, however, so Perfect clotheslines him, and hits his rolling necksnap. Slam, and he’s nice enough to sell the back injury throughout. (No surprise that Hennig could milk a back injury…)  Perfect-plex, and we’re done at 7:54. Boring match. DUD.

- The Repo Man vs. The Undertaker: Oh this is shaping up to be a real classic tape here. This is off of Prime Time Wrestling, in late 1992/early 1993, most likely. (June 1992)  Bobby suggests that Repo take the Undertaker’s urn, and melt it down into a chain. Someone must have been listening, too, since about two-years later, they did just that at WrestleMania XI. Undertaker kills him to start, with the usual offense that 1993 Undertaker was pulling off. For those that weren’t watching, it’s essentially the same offense 2002 Undertaker pulls off, only slower, and more “dead-man” gimmick oriented. Still, it’s all slam, punch, punch, kick, slam, legdrop. Repo comes back with punches of his own, but gets choked down for stealing the Undertaker’s moveset. Man, I don’t think this guy had ONE good match until 1996, when Shawn, Foley and Bret started carrying him around. And only then did it start working. Up until then, it was all these squashes on jobbers, and plod-fests with big fat guys trying to steal the urn, or something. Anyway, the tombstone finishes at 4:22. DUD, obviously.

- Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Beverly Brothers & Little Louie vs. The Bushwhackers & Tiger Jackson: This is Superstars in like 1992/1993. (March 1993. Stop guessing)  It doesn’t really matter which, does it? Also, why does every Coliseum tape I do, produced after 1988, have to feature the Bushwhackers? It’s a damn, damn shame. Tiger and Louie are midgets, BTW. The Bushwhackers are not midgets in size, but ARE mental midgets, make no mistake. Tiger, looks a LOT like Mini-Me from the 2nd Austin Powers film, too. A LOT like him. (I was actually just thinking that while watching him as Dink during the 1994 RAW reviews I’ve been doing)  Stalling to start, as usual. Once it gets going, it’s the very obvious comedy match, however. Ass-biting, and licking, comes plentifully, of course. The midgets go, which basically consists of them circling one another, until Jackson punches him for a two count, so he does a “comedy” bit with the ref: ECW’s Fonzie. He’s a midget in his own right. Tag to Butch and Beau, and they do nothing of note. They even go as low as to work in the armbar spot, where the midgets chase eachother, and the heel midget walks over the heel big-guys stomach. This is like a poor-man’s version of Survivor Series 1994. At least then, Lawler made it work, to some level. Luke Morton gets beat up for a while now, with the Beverly Idiots not doing any offense of particular note and/or interest. Even Jim Ross seems bored. Now here’s my question: I can understand keeping a lug like Hulk Hogan or Sid Justice around as long as they draw, but why in the HELL were these Bushwhacker’s kept around the WWF for something like EIGHT YEARS? I mean, they never had a big run as tag champs (or even contenders), and probably never made a penny for the WWF, not to mention having some of the worst wrestling matches EVER. I mean, did ANYONE, EVER buy a WWF ticket because the Bushwhackers’ name was on the program? NEVER. And that’s a guarantee. I mean, for example, the Giant Gonzallez sucked, make no mistake. But he was in a program with the Undertaker, which had the POTENTIAL to draw money. So even if the matches were TERRIBLE, at least there was an upside. I can’t find one with the Bushwhackers, quite frankly. As for the match, Jackson pins Louie at 9:55, which felt like 11-hours, and actually draws a pop. Miserable match, to be sure. -** ½.

- WWF Intercontinental Title Lumber Jack Match (I misspelled here, but it reminds me how surprised I am that we made it through the entire 1980s and 1990s without having to endure a character named Lumber Jack): Shawn Michaels vs. Jim Duggan: This is at the same show as the first match, since Duggan wouldn’t leave the ring until granted a re-match, so it was decided to have one later in the night. (It was actually the next week, but whatever)  The crowd is pumped. I am not. Shawn, ever the heel, comes out on crutches, claiming he got hurt in the first match, and can’t fight again now. Mr. Perfect doesn’t buy it, however, and decks him, forcing him to prove he’s not hurt. In the ring, Duggan hits an atomic drop, and slams him around the ring a couple times for a two count. Shawn oversells a massive punch, as Perfect rates him on his performance down on the floor. Suplex, and the Flair Flip in the corner sends Ross into a fit of hyperbole. Clothesline, as JR calls Shawn a “handsome young champion.” Uh, okay. Notable: All the lumberjacks are wearing flannel shirts, except for Yokozuna, who can’t fit in one. Aww, poor tubby. Bearhug by the challenger (one thing Jim Duggan should not be doing is wrestling twice in one night, that’s for sure), and a slam gets two. Slugfest easily won by Duggan, and he hooks a front facelock. Why? He deliberately tosses him over the top to the floor (in a great bump), and he tries to run away again, but Bob Backlund and Mr. Perfect carry him back. Heenan on Backlund: Hey, it’s OPIE! They go to commercial, so the tape cuts to them back in the ring, where Shawn nails him with his cowboy boot (see, he’s in street clothes because he tried to feign an injury), then dumps him to the wolves a couple times, just to be a jerk. Faceslam by the Hacksaw, but he eats cowboy boot on a cross corner charge. That gets the champ two, and he hooks a chinlock. Duggan powers out, and lariats him, then hits a BIG backdrop. Where’s Vince on commentary when you NEED him? BACKBODY DROP! Duggan with a slam, as the fans do the Braves’ Indian chop chant at lumberjack Tatanka. New York crowds rule the most! Duggan dumps HBK out, and they go to commercial once again. Cut to Shawn missing the Stinger Splash, but lumberjack Bam Bam Bigelow distracts Duggan (and the ref) long enough for Shawn to dump him, and WWF champion Yokozuna to hit a legdrop. He’s done. He rolls Jimmy back in, and Shawn covers with one foot, and gets two, when Mr. Perfect runs in to cause a DQ at 12:41. Better than the first match, but still not a good match. ½*.

- The Steiner Brothers give wrestling lessons, and talk about their wrestling backgrounds. It is SO weird to see Scott Steiner CALMLY sit there and talk about amateur sports, with a much deeper voice, and long black hair. He’s still massively roided, however. I just have a hard time believing it’s the same guy. Scott finishes with “the key to sports is having fun, kids.” Okay, this is NOT Big Poppa Pump. No way.

- WWF Tag Team Title Match: Money Inc. vs. The Natural Disasters: This is from July 1992, where the fat men win the tag belts they’ve been chasing Money Inc for for five months. The heels immediately run away, but get stopped, and dragged back in, where the fat boys beat them up as a unit. Earthquake misses a bodypress (!), however, and topples to the floor. The champs kick his fat ass out there, then roll him in for IRS to abuse, as DiBiase sticks the tag rope in his tights. He tags in, then chokes the ‘Quake with it. I miss tag ropes. They were so perfect in the context of heel tag team psychology, and I was saddened when they started disappearing around 1994/1995. Earthquake eventually whacks DiBiase, but can’t make a tag, so IRS hits a quick, slick series of elbow drop for a two count. Chinlock, and the heels switch off without tagging, and use one another for leverage, as Bobby slaps his hands together, to convince the home audience of a tag. That pisses JR off, who gets upset like a little kid might, and threatens to tell. What a baby. For those who don’t know, Money Inc were THE masters of tag team cheating, and Bobby Heenan was the master of helping their cause on commentary. Ted hooks a front facelock, and they do the spot where Earthquake inches his way to a tag (which Bobby gives the concession stands’ smell credit for), and makes a false tag. The real one comes a moment later, and the faces double team, as the crowd sounds loud. It’s all fake, however, as you can see they really aren’t going wild. Heel miscommunication see’s IRS bop Ted with the briefcase, and Earthquake drops an elbow for the pin at 9:46. And NOW the crowd goes wild. Pretty decent match, but nothing special. *.

- Randy Savage and Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair: WHOA! Now THIS is what I paid to see. This is from mid-1992, as Bret is the Intercontinental champion, and Savage is the WWF champion. EVERYONE is massively over, too. The commentary, however, is from 1993, so Ross calls Bret a former WWF champion, despite the fact that he hasn’t won that title yet. Bret and Shawn start. It means shit who starts, really. Any combination here rules it. Shawn tosses the IC champion around, pissing off Randy Savage, so they do a reversal sequence ending an Bret atomic dropping him, and Macho running in to clothesline both Shawn and Flair. Randy and Ric go, which again is a terrific combination, and Naitch plays mind games with the pee-brain. Shovefest allows the world titlist to slap him, then hit a shoulderblock. Slap to the face again, just to PISS FLAIR OFF, and the crowd loves every second of it. Flair, sick of his attitude, lays in the chops, and tags Shawn in for some double teaming, but Macho takes them both out. Shawn misses a charge to the post, and Bret tags in, and works the shoulder he just hurt. Flair wants a piece of Bret, but Shawn is in no position to tag, so Hart tags instead, and Macho hits an axehandle on the shoulder. Armbar, and a lariat allows Savage to tag out. Bret works the shoulder/arm some more, so Shawn just slams him, and tags Flair. He misses an elbow, so goes to plan B (eye rake), then works Hart over in the corner. Whoo! It’s chop time! Bret comes back with a backdrop, and tags Savage, so Flair tries to bail. It fails, however, and Randy beats him up with a series of jabs. 10-punch count is cut off at four with an atomic drop, and tries the figure four, but Randy kicks him off. Repeat. Michaels runs in, superkicks Savage to the floor, then gets out, while Hennig pisses Bret off in the corner. That causes Bret to chase him, which distracts the ref, and allows Hennig to deck Savage! What a unit! Tag to Shawn, who hits a flying forearm, and does some classic tag team cheating with Ric on Randy Morton. Flair in with a SOLID kneedrop, and he distracts the ref, so Shawn chokes him out with the tag rope. Chop gets two. Michaels flying axehandle hit, and he tries a backdrop, but gets kicked in the head. He still tags Flair, who cuts off the hot tag. Snapmare gets a series of two counts, even with two feet on the ropes. The fans call him on it, so he tells them to shut up. See, when Flair does it, it works. When Billy Gunn does it, it doesn’t Flair counters a backslide sequence, and tags Shawn, who gets cradled, so Flair pushes it over, and gets two on Macho. Side suplex hits for two, and he hooks a chinlock … the first rest spot. You know, Flair’s RIGHT THERE, and I KNOW he can go sixty-minutes without breaking a sweat at this point in his career. Actually, I bet he could STILL go sixty-minutes TODAY, since he’s RIC FLAIR, DAMN IT! Tag to Flair, who nearly KILLS him with a chop, so Savage pops up with a lariat. Flair goes up top, but gets slammed off, of course. Hot tag to Bret, who backdrops Flair, and decks Michaels. Both take the Flair flip, and Bret suplexes Flair. Backbreaker gets two, and Randy runs in to roll Shawn up for two. That failed, so Macho throws him into Sherri, and rolls him up again, this time for the pin at 16:21. Quite the match, but not a classic, or anything. *** ½. (It was a good match, but there was no way it wouldn’t be disappointing)

- Bottom Line: The final tag match was very good, and the rest is crap. Two Shawn Michaels matches … and the combined value is ¼*? The Bushwhackers? Midgets? The same match?!? A Ric Flair match at ¼*? This is a weird tape! And (efforts of Flair, Michaels, Hart and Savage aside) there is no way I could recommend it.

- Someone should really do a Coliseum compilation tape, with only the worthwhile matches, because it’s a PAIN IN THE ASS to do it this way. I mean, these tapes have some hidden treasures between guys who never got a PPV run against eachother, but you have to sit through SO much crap to get there, that it’s almost not worth it sometimes. Like this tape, for example. (Now, with YouTube and WWE Network (though, they haven’t gotten around to putting up these Coliseum tapes yet), you can cherry pick exactly the matches you want to see without even having to get off your ass)

- Recommendation to Avoid.