HITMAN383 Rant for WWF Coliseum Video: World Tour 1991

- The HITMAN383 Rant for Coliseum Video/WWF World Tour 1991. The concept here is that they go around the world with various matches. The bad part is “international” probably means “Alfred Hayes,” and that ALREADY makes me dislike the tape a little.

- Sidenote: Family Guy is back on FOX! Rejoice! (This was originally written in the Summer of 2001, back when Family Guy returned for the first time after being cancelled. I’ve since long lost interest in the show however, and frankly, I’m surprised they’re still going)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- WBF Add. Don’t ask. This was like the XFL of 1991.

- Also, in a WWF Action Figure commercial, Randy Savage is made to job to Hogan and Warrior’s figures, as his figure gets squashed by theirs. Talk about a realistic game.

- Your host is, as I predicted, Alfred Hayes. Talk about one time when I’d LOVE to have been wrong!

- From London, England: The Orient Express vs. The Rockers: This could be good, as at Rumble 1991 they kicked serious ass together. Before the match, Mr. Fuji clobbers Jannetty with his cane, so the Rockers walk back to the dressing room to get a “surprise.” It ends up being Andre the Giant, who will be in the Rockers’ corner to protect them from Fuji. If he can ever CATCH anyone, that is. Shawn and Kato start, and Kato quickly hits a shoulderblock. He backs off, however, and a criss cross leads to another shoulderblock by Kato. A big criss cross allows Shawn to do his own shoulderblock, and a big brawl breaks out with all four men. The Rockers clean house, and when it’s all over it’s down to Marty and Kato. Kato dominates that, and brings Tanaka (not Tatanka, thank you) in, but he misses an elbow. Shawn tags in and hits a flying back elbow for two, as the two teams seem to not want to get into any kind of a fast pace. Odd, considering who’s wrestling. Marty and Kato both tag in, and Jannetty does an arm bar. He hits a dropkick for two, and goes back to the arm bar. Kato tags out, and a criss cross allows Marty to deck Tanaka, and hooks HIM into an arm bar. Gee, enough already. The Brits. Like fast pace too, you don’t have to arm bar for three hours. Even Andre looks a little bored. Shawn and Kato go, and a big criss cross allows Shawn to arm drag him into an arm bar. This is like an early 80’s Steamboat match. (More like a 1991 Steamboat match) Another criss cross allows Tanaka a cheap shot, and he tags in. Kato comes back, without a tag, which gets Andre all pissed. But since they’re heels, the ref. lets it slide. You’ll never see a heel do a “false tag” sequence, only faces. (I think I meant to switch ‘heel’ and ‘face’ in that sentence, but regardless, both heels and faces do it – though faces less frequently so) Tanaka goes into a long chinlock on Shawn Morton, and then switches up with Kato (again with no tag) so he can chinlock too. Oh, this is enthralling action! He illegally switches again, but Tanaka keeps the chinlock. I guess that the ref. felt that it’s gonna suck either way, so who gives a damn who’s in. That’s my logic on it. A criss cross allows Tanaka a flying clothesline for two, and Kato gets tagged in. They do a leapfrog/rope choke spot for two, and Kato goes into a Sid-style chinlock. Again, just like the “Nash rope choke spot,” I call it a “Sid-style chinlock” because I want his name to always be associated with such a sucky move. So in ten years, people will STILL know how much he sucked. Shawn escapes, and clotheslines both heels, then makes the hot tag. He cleans house, and hits a flying back elbow on Kato for two. Fuji nails Jannetty coming off the ropes, and Andre beats him up as a result. He bops Kato with the cane, too, and the Rockers do a double top rope elbow drop for the pin at 12:48 to a BIG pop. Decent outing, but not as good as their other ones. * ¼.

- From London, England: Jim Neidhart vs. The Warlord: This is from the same show as the above match, which was UK Rampage ’91, shortly after WrestleMania VII. Big, big pop for Neidhart, but he was pretty much on his way out since the Foundation was over. Big stall-fest to start, and a shove-fest follows. Great. Jim then ups the ante by hooking a side headlock, which isn’t exactly Flair/Steamboat quality stuff there. They do a shoulderblock sequence where no one moves to establish that they’re both big, and Neidhart does a flying version to knock Warlord to the floor. More entertaining stalling, and then the super-cool test of strength. Man, I can just FEEL the stars piling up. The negative stars, that is. Warlord tries to kick him during the hold, but Neidhart catches his foot, and trips him up. Man, after all those years around the Hart family, you’d think he’d pick something up. Instead it’s more headlocking by the Anvil, but Warlord knocks him to the outside. Back in, nothing more inspired than forearm shots by the Warlord. And it lasts for like five minutes, too. You know, Warlord looks like a cross between Steve Austin and Goldberg, which is obviously a good look for wrestling, but he never really went anywhere after the Powers of Pain. Maybe it’s because he does nothing but forearm shots, and bearhugs, as he’s displaying here. Jim escapes a bearhug with a sunset flip (!), but it fails, as Warlord decks him. Just put this match out of it’s misery, already! More pounding and plodding by the steroid pumper, and a chinlock follows. Great. Jim is able to do a weak faceslam to try to comeback, and a clothesline follows. He does the 10-punch count in the corner (not connecting with one of those ten), and hits a 2nd rope double ax for two. A splash hits the knees, but he still manages to roll him up for the pin at 13:46. Oh my G-D that was one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. And so damn long! -**** ¾. It really WAS that bad. I mean, do ANYTHING but watch this match with your life! (It was terrible, and it was negative stars, but not quite THAT level of bad)

- From Las Vegas, Nevada, USA: Randy Savage vs. Rick Martel: This is right after WrestleMania VII, as Savage is “fulfilling his contract duties to Coliseum Video by having one last match.” Woks for me. (I like those kind of details, too. Makes everything seem more legit, like a ‘real’ sport) Big pop for the retired Savage, and Liz, but Martel still jumps him from behind. He throws Savage into the corner, but Savage hits a backdrop and a clothesline. He follows with a top rope double ax, knocking Martel to the floor, so he tries one onto the floor, but misses. Martel pounds him out there, in a segment that goes on WAY too long. He then stalks Liz, so Savage attacks from behind, and rams him into the post. Back in, Martel quickly knees Savage right back out! Inside again, Rick slams him, and chokes away. He takes too much time posing, however, and Randy gets a small package for two. Rick keeps control, however, and chokes the Macho Man some more. Rick misses a bodypress, and Savage hits a snap suplex for two. Atomic drop connects, and he clotheslines the Model to the floor. Savage follows, and piledrives him out there. Back in, Macho quickly hits the big elbow to finish him at 6:01 to a big pop. Near-decent match, but nothing special. ¾*.

- Etiquette with Alfred Hayes. Hayes is in a restaurant with Sherri and the Brooklyn Brawler, but they sit around shooting spitballs and filing their toenails, while Hayes scolds them. Oh, this is just hilarious. Not. Actually, some of it is okay, but it’s overall stupid and a waist of time.

- From somewhere in the United States: Ted DiBiase vs. Roddy Piper: Piper is still injured from the motorcycle accident, and the WM VII beatdown. He still pounds the hell out of DiBiase to start, in his usual style. Sherri comes in to try to save Ted, so Piper kisses her, in a spot they’d lift for Survivor Series ’91. That does allow Ted to take control, however, but he gets face slammed off of a criss cross. Sherri tries to get involved again, so Piper throws Ted into her, and gets a two count off of it. He walks into a boot off of a corner charge, and DiBiase hooks him in the tree of woe. He hammers the knee, and Sherri tosses him the crutch from WM VII, which he uses to bash Hot Rod’s knee behind the refs back. He continues to work the knee for a while, for obvious reasons, but takes his somersault bump off of a 2nd rope axe handle attempt. Piper steals the crutch from Ted, and whacks DiBiase’s knee, then proceeds to work DiBiase’s knee in a piece of irony. Sherri tries to bash him with the crutch, but he steals it again, and takes both Ted and Sherri out. The ref. tries to stop him, so he whacks him too, and that gets Piper DQ’d at 6:46. Decent, with some good psychology, but nothing of real value. *.

- Back to the dining room with Hayes and the slobs. They tie him up (YES!), and make pigs of themselves, and then have a food fight. As great as it sounds.

- From somewhere in the United States: Earthquake vs. Jake Roberts: Oooh, this has potential. To suck. This is also the “blow off” to the snake burgers feud. Please don’t ask. The ‘Quake jumps him to start, but Roberts catches him with a knee to slow him down. They circle eachother for a while, hitting forearm shots here and there, without anything good really happening. Alfred (who’s on commentary with Mooney, just to annoy me) talks about how great the camera guys are because they get close ups of the wrestlers. He reminds me so much to Tony Schiavone, that it’s scary. Plus, why would you EVER want a close up of Tenta anyway? The fat man dominates this, but Jake tries a DDT, only to get squashed into the corner. Earthquake continues to work over Jake, in another terrible match for this tape. Legwork by the fat boy doesn’t help anything any, as it’s all ‘Quake sitting around, pretending to actually work. Hell, if Lou Thesz saw the kind of holds Earthquake is using on the leg he’d spin in his grave. (You know, if he was dead. He is now, but he wasn’t when I wrote this)  I mean, gee. He tries for the Earthquake splash, but unfortunately Jake rolls out to the floor. Just job already! Earthquake gets the snake instead, however, and tries to sit on THAT, but Jake trips him up. He takes the snake out, and threatens the ‘Quake with it, as the bell rings to give Earthquake the DQ win at 4 hours. I mean 7:34. Either way. -***. I’d go lower, but the psychology was fairly sound.

- From somewhere in the United States: Intercontinental Title Match: Mr. Perfect vs. Shawn Michaels: Shawn was still a Rocker at this point, and hopefully this will be better than SummerSlam ’93. They wrestle around to start, and Hennig blasts Michaels with an elbow. Shawn hits a big uppercut to allow Curt to oversell a bit, as the tiny crowd cheers. I mean, that building is MAYBE ¼ full. Hennig challenges Shawn to a boxing match, and Michaels quickly accepts, and we have Rocky/Apollo going on here. Shawn wins, and dumps Perfect to the floor, where Hennig stalls. Shawn refuses to sit by and watch that, however, so he leaps over the top onto Hennig in a breath-taking spot. He then charges the champ, but gets stun gunned onto the rail! I love HBK. Marty Jannetty runs out to check on the injured Michaels, and helps him up, but Shawn is still very groggy. (Something tells me Marty had a lot of experience dealing with Shawn when he was in that state) Marty dumps him back in anyway, and Shawn gets so pissed he throws Marty through a glass window! Okay, no, but that was pretty ass-hole-ish by Marty. Hennig kills him inside, and makes Shawn take the Flair flip right into a clothesline! Curt knees him out, so Marty can “kiss the boo-boo,” and then shoves poor Shawn back in. Inside, Hennig hits his jumping neck snap for two, but gets kicked in the head off of a criss cross. He oversells it, of course, flying five feet back. Perfect keeps control, however, and chinlocks Michaels. Gee, what’s up with that? Then again, this is a TINY audience, in a nothing match, so I wouldn’t try that hard either. Shawn escapes with a stunner, but takes a high knee from Perfect. He tries HIS hand at overselling, and does a 360 off of it. Nice. Marty decks Hennig as a result, so Bobby Heenan runs out to protest to the ref. That allows the champ to attack Marty, and THAT allows Shawn to crotch Hennig. He follows up by kicking the hell out of Perfect, and hitting an oversold series of atomic drops. A clothesline gets two, and a superkick out of a criss cross gets another two. The kick meant nothing at that point, however. Shawn catches him with a neckbreaker, and heads up top, but Heenan gets in the way. That allows Hennig to attack, and hit the Perfect-plex, but the Bossman runs out and nails Hennig for the DQ at 10:24. Eh. The ending sequence was very good, but the match could have been much better. **.

- Shopping with Ted DiBiase. He goes to a jeweler to pick up his newly polished Million-Dollar belt, and shop for rings. Oh joy. What I don’t get is, if so rich, why does he wear such a cheap suit with dollar signs on it?

- From Tokyo Japan: Jim Duggan vs. Kendo Nagasaki: Great, now Duggan’s gonna cause an International incident. The dumb ass even brings his American flag to the Japanese Egg Dome. I mean, there isn’t anything wrong with patriotism, but was he REALLY expecting a face pop? (That’s nothing. What’s worse is that he actually pointed the flag at Nagasaki like a gun, and then made big mushroom cloud explosion hand gestures) Nothing goes on for what seems like forever, as they trade punches and kicks. I bet you they couldn’t communicate because of the language bearer involved. Not that it matters, because I don’t really understand Hacksaw in English. The match ends oddly, however, as Duggan gets kicked in the gut and pinned at 2:54. A really odd ending to an odd match. DUD.

- From Las Vegas, Nevada, USA: Handi-capped Match: Hulk Hogan & The Ultimate Warrior vs. Sgt. Slaughter, General Adnan & The Undertaker: Oh, this outta be good. Good for a laugh. Or a cry, depending on your view. The crowd here STILL doesn’t know what to make of the ‘Taker, even five months after his WWF debut. Know THAT’S an aura. The faces destroy Slaughter to start, as a failed Pearl Harbor job goes down. Oddly, however, ‘Taker and the Iraqi’s don’t even stand in the same corner for the first five minutes of the match. What the hell? Hogan gets caught by the former champ, however, and ‘Taker tags in. He dominates the champ, and chokes the life out of him. Slaughter comes back in, and hammers Hogan some more, but gets thrown into the corner, and flies to the floor. Man, Slaughter is being made to look like a total jobber so far, for someone who just lost the WWF title. Hogan can’t make the tag, however, so Adnan gets in to work the Hulkster. Nothing more that chokes going on here. Slaughter comes back in, and gets clotheslined right away, in the roll Adnan SHOULD be in. Warrior comes in, to a big pop, and hammers Slaughter. He tags UT, who proceeds to choke Warrior, just like he did Hogan. Oh, this is a classic! He follows with a front facelock, which allows Warrior to make a false tag to Hogan. Like I said in the opener, that only happens to faces. (Oh, okay, I see what I was saying now. I thought I was talking about guys switching without tags behind the referees back. So, yeah, that generally only happens to faces)  The Sarge tags in, and goes to the top, but misses a big splash. Nice spot there. Hogan gets the real tag now, and clotheslines the Sgt. Jobber. He rolls him up for two, as the Undertaker saves. The Sarge takes control, and does his usual crap on the WWF titlist. He hooks the camel clutch, with UT helping out on the leverage part, but Warrior breaks it up and pounds the ‘Taker on the floor. Meanwhile, inside, Adnan and Slaughter work on Hogan, but have a heel miscommunication spot, which allows Hogan to pin Adnan at 9:43. Hey, atleast the right guy jobbed. Terrible match, continuing the trend of this tape. -**.

- Alfred Hayes wraps up. He also claims to be “in London,” but is clearly in the studio in front of a backdrop of London. (And that’s not even as bad as those 1994 RAWs when the announcers would open the show in front of a green screen with the ‘crowd’ behind them, as if they were live at ringside)

- Bottom Line: What a terrible tape! Three REALLY bad matches, and the rest is decidedly mediocre. Nothing breaking **, and nothing really catching your attention. And, of course, those three really bad matches are absolutely the bottom of the WWF barrel, and embarrass wrestling in general! Plus, most Coliseum tapes force you to watch a lot of crap, but have at least ONE good/great match. This doesn’t even have that! Gee!

- Strong, strong Recommendation to Avoid.